RAINA

"I'll be your mirror - reflect what you are, in

case you don't know......"

-I'll Be Your Mirror by the Velvet Underground


It's difficult to imagine that anything can be the least bit enjoyed, or even appreciated, in the darkest moments of our lives. But for me, no matter how fleeting the feeling, music has always had the ability to bring a tear to my eye, love to my heart, and goosebumps to my arms. Even if it was a catalyst for me to give a sort of unspoken voice to the feelings I was unable to utter aloud- music was that rare escape from the seemingly inescapable, that eventually got me through . For as far back as I can remember, it has been inseparable from life itself. My mom always loved to tell the story about me (attempting) to sing along to the Oak Ridge Boys' "Elvira" from my car seat, when I was less than a year old. Music has taken my joy to unknown heights when life is treating me well, and allowed me to fully experience pain, grief, and ultimately healing, in times when it is not. So much knowledge has been gained through the beauty of song. Whether learning about the Civil War through the wonderful musical, Shenandoah, in the fifth grade, or realizing that sometimes a grown woman just needs to jump around in her underwear to some Jack White on electric guitar - music has, and continues to teach me. It also happens to be that very connection to music that sparked my friendship with Raina.

We both began working at a world famous museum here in New York at about the same time, several years ago. We must have had nearly identical schedules because every day when it came time to make my way down to the cafeteria for lunch, there was Raina, with her whimsically funky clothing and a quiet, yet curious demeanor. We never spoke. A couple years later, I switched departments and transferred to a different branch of the museum, at a completely different location. As I was led on a tour of the building on my very first day of work- lo and behold : There was Raina, working in the bookshop. We began to make small talk every now and then in the lunch line, but those encounters were few and far between. Another year or so passed, and I took a new position that had me frequently manning the admissions desk...which just so happens to be right next door to the bookshop. According to Raina, the laughter and silliness coming from that desk and echoing throughout the Main Hall were so enticing that she just couldn't resist coming out to visit and trying to get in on the fun. The more she visited, the more we got to chatting. And the more we got to chatting, the more we began to bond over our love of music. We went to a couple of concerts together, giddily shared our tales of separate concert going experiences, burned some cd's for each other, and somewhere in there, realized that we had become friends. Real friends.

Over the past year or so, we've really opened up to each other and have been there to help each other through some extremely trying times. I remember when I first began to talk with her about my past - and current- insecurities and personal struggles, Raina was shocked. To her I seemed so self-confident and self-assured. Strong and independent. Positive and happy. She never would have known about the battles going on inside if I hadn't told her. It's funny because I felt the exact same way about her. I never would've guessed that Raina had had even one insecurity in her life - or at least not in her adult life. I would normally be quick to attribute this to the fact that we both tend to be somewhat of people pleasers, who prefer sucking it up and putting on a happy face to ruffling a few feathers. But while we may do this with others from time to time, when dealing with each other, I don't believe that's the case at all. The Velvet Underground song quoted above expresses it beautifully. I believe that Raina and I have and continue to be each other's mirrors when we are blinded to the beauty within ourselves. We genuinely are self-assured, positive, and happy around each other, because that's the reflection that's bouncing back to each of us. It's like the old, "I'm rubber, you're glue." equation. All the wonderful things I see in Raina are reflected back at her when she looks at me, and vice versa. We bring out the best in each other - silliness, creativity, honesty, fun, individuality, confidence, true friendship, and love.

As I've mentioned before, my own mirror has been a bit cloudy this year, and I've often struggled to find any beauty - inward or outward - in that reflection. But when I'm able to see myself through Raina's eyes, I like what I see and am proud to be the woman I've become. In many of my darkest moments, Raina has been there, being my mirror and reflecting who I really am, until I'm strong enough to be able to see it for myself. I hope she knows that I will always be a friend, and will always be here to do the same for her. And the reflection that she sees when I do, will be absolutely beautiful.


So,the first question I want to ask you is- other than the fact that we're friends and you're interested in what I do, etc., what was it about the blog that made you want to be a part of it? I believe you came to me a while back and said that you'd like to do it.....

Yeah, I did come to you, and I remember you said that you were afraid to ask me. That's very funny. I don't know... I think it's an interesting blog that you're doing. I've always considered myself like...not your standard beauty. I always thought that....I don't know. How do I not sound...I just thought I had something to offer people that was sort of beyond just being the pretty girl. I've had so many insecurities. I still feel insecure - you've heard about them. But it's just that there's more to...I mean, there's no way to say it without cliches, but there's more to beauty than what's skin deep. I try to stay true to myself and what I think is beautiful, and I also appreciate beauty. Not everybody does. They appreciate what beauty represents, but I try to appreciate it in its myriad form. I don't know if any of that made sense.....


Totally. This isn't my interview, so I shouldn't be talking, but what you said about feeling like despite your insecurities, you knew you had something to offer -I've always gotten that from you. I've always felt you were comfortable with yourself, but I know from what you've shared with me, lately you've had more insecurities regarding your physical appearance than you had in the past. I do normally ask a question about physical hang-ups and how you're working to get over them, but I'd also be interested to know if you had any before these current issues? What was that like, and how did you get over them?

Well, what we're talking about currently is that I've been having weight issues that I don't feel great about. I realized - this is a weird thing - I realized that part of what freaks me out, especially when I see pictures of myself, is that I look like my aunt, who was always much heavier...and my father too, because that's the heavy side of the family. So, it just goes to show that your hang-ups have so nothing to do with reality. Nobody knows my aunt. Nobody thinks poorly of her. But when I have some weight in my face, I'm like, "Oh my god, I look just like them!", and I don't really get along with that side of the family, so I realized that was part of it and was like, "Alright - this is ridiculous."

Before that, I didn't have weight issues as much, although you've seen my family and my sisters. My little sister is tall and super skinny and super beautiful, and I was always convinced that I was ugly and that no one would ever love me. My teeth are really crooked, and I don't have a pretty smile. That was the main hang-up when I was younger. I broke my teeth and then I had these temporaries - it was this whole thing. My teeth have been a source of problems forever and my little sister was somehow born with beautiful, straight teeth. So, that was the main thing - my teeth. And I used to wear glasses. It sounds cheesy, but I did get a lot of confidence when I started wearing contacts. A huge part of that is because then you can wear sunglasses, and I defy you to not feel better about yourself when you're wearing sunglasses. It's like, "I'm cool. I'm wearing sunglasses." I remember being little, and all I wanted to do was wear them, and I couldn't because I had my glasses on. I had terrible glasses, and I had terrible clothes. I had bad skin for a long time too, and that was a source of angst. I didn't know what my body was and how to dress it. I had no sense of anything. In high school, there were no dates. There were no anything,cause I just didn't know! And I have crazy, curly, frizzy hair that I didn't know how to deal with. It was mostly just kind of like , I grew up and figured out how to deal with what I had. These are things that maybe a lot of people learned younger than I did. I think I just learned it later than everybody else.


I think I was pretty much in the same boat as you.

Were you? I think I told you this, but my mom never wore a bra, never tweezed her eyebrows, put make-up on -none of that stuff. So, one of my friends taught me about tweezing my eyebrows, and taught me all this girly stuff, and would buy me bras and things like that. I actually needed someone to take me by the hand and be like, " These are girly things, and this is how you do them." Some people, I think their moms do that, but not my mom. I mean, I understand why, and I would never want to push that on a daughter - but on the other hand, they're kind of things that you do have to learn. You aren't born understanding these things, and you'll feel better about yourself in the long run if you know how to make yourself feel better about yourself.


So, you talked about appreciating beauty in general...what would you say beauty is to you? How would you define it?

I think- based on our experience- it's laughter. It really is. That, I think, is my favorite thing - to make people laugh. This may sound selfish, but I love that I can always go out to the desk and tell you something, and it'll make you laugh. You have a wonderful laugh, and I'll hear it across the room...and then we'll get way giggly and silly. In my worst moments, the thing that I feared the most was that I'd lost that sense of silliness and giggliness, cause that's my favorite thing in the world. And also just people being unique. There's a humor about life and people's outlook of humor on life. I can't help but appreciate them and find them beautiful. And then, you know - David Bowie. Anything Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll and humor. I think Rock and Roll is humor, and that's maybe why I like it...cause at its heart it's sort of laughing at main stream culture and things like that.

What do you think is your most beautiful attribute? And it can physical or non-physical....or both!

Well, I said before that my favorite thing is making someone laugh, and that's what I like. So that, and physically, I've always liked my hands and my eyes. But I've grown to like my hair too. I used to hate my hair. I wanted straight, Jennifer Aniston hair, and I had crazy, curly, frizzy. And then I embraced the crazy, curly, frizzy.


What do you think made you embrace the crazy, curly, frizzy?

Because it's what I have. And I mean, I can't work a blow dryer. I can't do these girly things. I'm not gonna go and get it straightened every day. I think that's a lot of what growing older and becoming more comfortable with myself was - not fighting things. And that's with a lot of things. You can put yourself in this boat with people who don't look at all like you and don't have any of your physical characteristics, but if you sort of embrace your own physical characteristics, you'll feel a lot more confident. It took me a long time, but I started to feel better about those things.


We were talking about feeling like you might not have had the right "guidance" growing up - in terms of feeling confident about yourself. I know it's a loaded topic, but do have any thoughts about what you feel might be a healthier way to approach this with children? Any children really, but especially little girls.....

Definitely. I mean, my mom was trying to go the other way. We weren't allowed to have Barbies. She was trying to be very, "You don't have to conform yourself to this idea of beauty"....but I think there has to be a balance. I had older sisters, but they were a lot older. It was my older sister that told my mom I had to get a bra, cause I didn't want to ask. It sounds silly to say, but maybe some sort of mentoring. I think that's important. Women to take each other under their wings. I was talking about how my friend took me under her wing with that type of stuff. The worst thing to me is cattiness between women. I'm all about the solidarity, or at least I try to be. But I think that's the best way - if there's a woman that can help a younger woman. And I've thought about it a lot. If I have children, if i have girls - I hate the princess thing. It drives me crazy. I was at my friend's house - I don't even think she knows this is there. Probably someone gave it to her daughter - but there were Disney Princess books, and one of them was something like, " My Perfect Wedding". It was all about planning the perfect wedding. I was like, "In god's name, what would a three year old ...why should they care about this in any way?!" So those types of things really piss me off. I was raised with trucks and...well, I had My Little Ponies, but that's because my mom was a horse person.
I just don't think you need to raise girls with the whole princess thing. But you do need the balance. Once they hit adolescence, they're gonna need guidance because it's confusing. You're becoming a woman, you're having these wacky feelings, having things grow, and you don't know what to do with it. And my mom was kind of there for me in that, but not really. And I think adolescence is probably where most issues arise or take place.


Something that I found out about you fairly recently, is that you like to paint. Actually, you're quite good at painting. You also know more about music than just about anyone I know. I have friends who are musicians, or were music majors, or just obsessed with music their whole lives -but no one seems to be as knowledgeable about music across the board, as you are. Do you think that this affinity for beauty in creative or artistic things has allowed you to be more confident in yourself, because perhaps you see a more well rounded aspect of beauty?

That's totally true, and I don't think it's a coincidence that I work at a museum, and that I've worked there as long as I have. Art and music and creative expression have been really important. Once you really find music...I'll talk about David Bowie a lot , but I think he's a really important person cause he really expanded ideas of sexuality, what a person looks like, what a musician looks like, what a pop star looks like. Madonna has talked about how much he influenced her. I mean, he has so much confidence because he was like, " What I'm doing is really awesome.", and all you need is that confidence and then people will believe it. People who are obsessed with a shallow idea of beauty don't usually have a very extensive interest in things beyond, "Oh, that's a nice Monet painting." I don't like narrow mindedness. With music, I don't have just one genre that I'll listen to. I'll listen to anything,and I'll give it a chance. I'll say I like anything, as long as it's good. And so with art and with everything- to me, that's the only way to appreciate beauty. Just to be open to it. It's about opening the circle instead of closing the circle. It's hard not to have pre-judgements, but I try to be open to things. I mean,tonight we're going to see a white rapper from LA...why not?!


Alright, if you could change one thing about the current standard of beauty in today's society, what would it be?

There are so many things. I mean, the weight issue is probably the biggest thing. But just coming from personal feelings, I've always felt I was very weird looking because my teeth weren't perfect, and I think that's an American thing. Oh, and this pisses me off - when you read something about Kirsten Dunst, they refer to her as the snaggle tooth actress.

I've never noticed that.

I couldn't tell you what was wrong with her teeth. I think she's absolutely gorgeous. Snaggle tooth? I mean, it's the same thing - that everything has to be conformed to this very specific, very perfect idea of beauty, and it doesn't work. All it does is just screw people up. The funny thing is, as much as I've found that I don't conform to that standard, it doesn't bother people. People still like me for me. Recently, I've had the weight thing, but it hasn't affected whether or not people find me attractive or want to be around me. So, it's all just personal. You put it on yourself. Generally, when I'm myself, people respond favorably - and I just need to relax.


Any other thoughts you'd like to share?

The one thing I wanted to say is that I know you always put a little quote with your posts, and I was thinking about this - you know the Velvet Underground song "I'll Be Your Mirror"? I was thinking about that. Thinking about how I'm feeling all heavier than I've ever been, but like, everyone except for me doesn't care. If people are responding to you, then they're responding to you, and you shouldn't second guess that. I hate it when I do that about myself. We all do that about ourselves...but just sort of trust it. Listen to Lou Reed! I just felt that if I put myself out there- you know that phrase, "warts and all"- and then people respond favorably to that, I sort of know that it's real. That they really are responding favorably. That's why I believe so much in honesty and not putting up this facade. In some ways, it's freeing that I didn't feel like the pretty girl, and that I knew people had to like me for me. That gave me a weird confidence. When you know that people like you just because they like you, you feel much more comfortable around them, and you don't question things as much. I mean, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my everything on my sleeve. It's just...it's out there. And that's that.



Shortly after this interview, I received an email from my mom regarding this amazing fifth grade chorus and their teacher from PS22 in Staten Island. They had been featured on Nightline a few evenings prior, and to quote my mom, "As a teacher, I'm inspired. As a human being...I just want to be better." My mom happens to be my fifth grade teacher - the very teacher I mentioned early on in this post, who definitely solidified for me, the power music has to touch lives. After reading the article she had attached, and watching a few of their videos in utter amazement, youtube led me to this beautiful cover of what else..."I'll Be Your Mirror". Music has, and continues to teach me, indeed.....

TOM

"The thing that is really hard - and really amazing - is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."

- Anna Quindlen

As much as I despise the word "perfection", I'll admit that despite my best efforts, I seem to have -in one way or another - been in constant pursuit of this very state for the majority of my life. Growing up, I was pretty good at almost every endeavor undertaken - sometimes even really good. But I was never the best. To me, this meant failure. As I got a little older, this trend shifted more and more towards appearance related matters, and there's no question - obsession was the name of the game. It seemed the more I primped and preened to make myself "pretty", the more I felt like I would never be pretty enough. I would never look perfect, therefore I would never amount to anything. And it's pretty clear that the almost nine year battle with my eating disorder was the inevitable collision of these two fruitless quests for something that is simply an impossible feat for any human being to achieve. The better you are at it, the sicker you get. And the sicker you get, the closer you are to death. If death was the ultimate prize, then I was closer to perfection than I had ever been.

But since embarking on my journey to recovery several years ago, and discovering (and rediscovering) all the life that had been lost to me, I have gained a much healthier perspective regarding perfection. Being the best me that I can be is far more attractive to me than some unattainable physical standard that random people decided on and immediately proclaimed to be fact. But life is not always easy, and old habits die hard. One negative thought about myself leads to another, leads to another, and before I realize what's happening, there I am, back in that same old pattern in which I will never, ever be good enough. Being able to recognize beauty in so many different aspects of people and life around me does not mean that I'm immune to the pressures of today's society that - let's face it - can overwhelm even an extremely self-confident person. Intellectually, I know better - but that feeling inside takes a lot more than a few positive affirmations to make it dissipate. For me, it takes a knock-your-socks-off wake up call. And in a recent battle with negativity, that's exactly what I got, via an email from a close friend about an encounter he had with a young woman on the subway. He immediately thought of me and my blog, and I have since been trying to determine the best way to share it with all of you. I don't think it's any small coincidence that it also happens to be so relevant to the wonderful interview that you'll soon be reading.

My friend was seated on a bench at the subway platform, waiting for the train, when an attractive young woman sat down next to him. She was probably about 25 or 26, and based on her look and manner, he felt that she must have been a model. Almost immediately after sitting down, she opened her bag and took out some very rich red lipstick, which she carefully applied. Then she did a round with some foundation and concealer - searching her compact mirror for the tiniest blemish and immediately targeting it with her pad. Next she pulled out a second lip implement, this time a gloss to go over her already bright red lips - with no apparent effect. Moments later, the train arrived and they boarded. My friend took a seat, but she instead, stood in front of the closed door and proceeded to use it as a mirror while she fussed with herself - her hat, her hair, her clothing, etc. When she finally did sit down, she once again brought out the lipstick, followed by the compact. She continued to do this for about ten minutes straight, and to his eyes, she didn't look all that different from when she first sat down on the platform bench - except for that fact that her lips were perhaps a little brighter. He said that he couldn't help but see in her procedures, a nervousness - as if she feared she would overlook some imperfections, and no matter how many minutes of every hour she spent touching up, she would never look right or feel good enough. He thought perhaps she was en route to an audition or shoot, and that was why she was making such a fuss. But maybe she couldn't help it, and that thought made him sad. So as he exited the train, he passed in front of her - where her pad was still moving feverishly about her face - and said, "Look, I'm a stranger, so I hope I'm not too forward - but you look great." She smiled and thanked him as he left the car and went on his way, hoping that maybe she would put her compact away and just enjoy the train ride to wherever she was going. Maybe his candid reassurance of her beauty would help her to put things in perspective. Maybe not.

As I finished the email, I began to cry. I may not have the physicality of a model, but in many ways, I saw myself in that young woman. Yes, I've grown by leaps and bounds when it comes to accepting and appreciating myself the way I am, but that old insecurity still found a way to rear its ugly head - and it took the recognition of it in a complete stranger to get me to realize it. I'm sure that my friend's compliment regarding her appearance did reassure her and help her to relax for a bit - but for how long? An hour? Twenty minutes? Five? We can only find true reassurance and acceptance within ourselves, and that's no easy task. But the fact that I've been able to do it - even if only temporarily - is proof that it can be done and proof to me that life is definitely more rewarding when it is. This blog, and particularly these wonderful interviews, continue to help and inspire me, and it's my hope that they'll continue to do the same for you.

This latest chat with my friend, Tom, was so honest and in depth that we talked far beyond the recording capacity of the 60 minute cassette, and the tape - unbeknownst to us - came completely off the frame and was unable to be played back. Luckily, after much trial and error, another friend was able to repair the tape, so that I can share with you the part of the interview that was recorded. It's far from easy to be truly candid in discussions like these, but Tom went above and beyond the call of duty. Perhaps the plethora of super hero knowledge he's acquired from editing comics has made "going above and beyond..." par for the course. At any rate, I was and am deeply moved and inspired by his thoughts, and I hope you will be too.

I seem to recall Tom -who also happens to be writer and comedian- jokingly remark that "pretty" people don't work in comics. Well, based on this interview, there's at least one person who's definitely adding some real beauty to that medium. And I'd venture to guess that I'm not alone in that opinion.


So, other than the fact that I strongly suggested you do an interview based on our recent conversations, what was it that drew you to this project?


I'm not entirely certain what it is that drew me to this project, because my self image is something I don't make too big a deal of in conversations with people. It's something that you really wouldn't know is such a big deal to me unless I took the time to explain how it is such a big deal to me. The fact is, I'm frequently late to work with how much I kinda fuss over my appearance in the morning - not just in an egotistical way. I'm very nervous to look so bland and put so much effort into it. It's much more than you would think. And just in general, the concept of beauty in the abstract is very intriguing to me, cause it's something I keep very quiet about to myself. But it is something I think about and obsess on a lot. It's kind of interesting to see a situation where I could finally talk about it in a freer manner than I normally do.


I realize this is difficult to do on the spur of the moment, but how would you define beauty? What is beauty, to you?


It's interesting...when you get older - that's a weird thing to say when you're in your 20's - but suddenly a simple question is no longer easy to answer. I remember the first day of this art history class, sophomore year of high school - the teacher asked us all to scream for him and none of us would...we had no idea what this nutcase was asking us. But he also asked us, "How many of you like to draw?" and half the class put their hands up. He asked those of us who didn't, "What do you mean? When you were a kid, if you wanted to draw your mom and dad, you drew a circle, some sticks for arms, and that was your mom and dad!" . Now you want to come up with a really complex answer, cause you're afraid if you say, "Ooh..a sunset!" , it's a cliche'. I'd say beauty is when something is done the right way - whatever it is. Like, you see the "master" of something - whether or not they're famous - do something that they do so well, and there's something beautiful to it. If you watch a really fantastic artist draw something, it's less the act of them drawing....or you know, a really fantastic musician playing - if you look at their eyes, it's the intensity and excitement that they get doing what they do so well, because of a devotion to it. And I guess somewhere in there you could find my definition of what beauty means to me. The easy answer is "Oh, beauty is truth", but that was already written by someone a very long time ago. But reality is a very beautiful thing to me, and I guess my definition of beauty is seeing something the way it's meant to be.


Now this is a difficult question, or at least I think it will be, based on what you've shared with me. What do you consider to be your most beautiful attribute? And it doesn't have to be physical. It can be physical, not physical, or both. Whatever you feel.


You've asked that question at a very interesting time, cause the last couple weeks I've been at the all time low of my self esteem - so that's a tough call. My most beautiful attribute.....Well, physically, I really like my hair. I think it's good hair. Right now it's kinda short, it's not where I want it to be...but I come from people with very, very good hair. Hmm. I would say, probably for me, my most beautiful attribute - without getting too full of myself....


You can get full of yourself.


Good, cause I'm gonna. Okay - it's weird to me how much I care about other people, people I barely know. As I've mentioned before in conversation with you, I guess I'm a really good listener because a lot of people feel comfortable telling me things about themselves and about problems or situations they may have. And I do find myself inexplicably drawn to, if not help out, then at least listen. So few people listen to people. So few people will take the time to sit down if you have a problem. I frequently feel like I can't really talk to anyone about my problems, so I like the fact that I'm able to listen and be there for people. And I think that if more people had someone who heard them, their lives would be a lot easier. I am proud of myself, that I'm willing to recognize and do my best - without being too obnoxious - to be there for them.



Is there something in particular that you've struggled with regarding your appearance....that you've either overcome or are working on overcoming? If so, how did you do it, or what are you currently doing to change how you feel about it?


I think the answer to that is twofold. One thing that I have not overcome and am very aggravated with myself for, is that I'm not in particularly good shape. I could stand to be in a lot better shape. A lot of my friends are excited about beach season, but I am not. I do not have a particularly in shape upper body, and I intend to work on that. It doesn't help that I've got a certain amount of body hair too, but that's something that I can easily take care of with 60 bucks and a Russian woman with wax. Painful, painful wax....

For a long time I have struggled with and am aggressively working on my posture. I slouch a lot, slump a lot. I say this as I sit incredibly inappropriately on this bench. But, you know- it's nighttime, it's different. I've noticed that it does a lot for my mood and it does a lot for how people perceive me when I stand up straight. In general, I do feel better about myself when I sit upright and balanced. Something I've told no one....I am looking into ballet classes at the recommendation of my boss, who was an actor back in the olden days. Yeah, that's right. I do not carry myself as well as I should, and I'm working on it. But I tend to kind of hide in myself, and I'm trying not to.



Do you think that it has more to do with insecurities about who you are as a person that make you carry yourself that way, which maybe in turn, makes you feel less confident about yourself physically?


Absolutely. I was an incredibly shy child. I was very, very quiet. In a lot of ways I've gotten over that, but in other ways, I am still very much a quiet person. People who know me personally, would be shocked to see me at work, where I'm very serious and very quiet. Whereas when I'm out of work, I'm very loud and - not loud - but I'm very communicative. There's a lot to that sort of, do my best to not be noticed, and I'm working on that. I'd say my fashion sense had a lot to do with that for a while. For the longest time, I had as nondescript a fashion sense as you could imagine. I was like a cartoon character. T-shirt, jeans - that's it. And in the last couple years, I really kinda pushed it to....to dress a little bit more like an adult. I still tend to dress in much darker, more autumn like colors, cause it can still be kind of camouflage, but I'm gettin' there. I'm gettin' there. I am constantly in this battle of trying to get noticed, while trying not to get noticed. I'm not sure what it is. I think I'm naturally predisposed to a more introverted kind of lifestyle, but at the same time, I feel I have a lot to offer in terms of talent, drive, and care....and I don't feel like it's the right thing to stay shy. It's like " Oh, I'm over here!/ Don't worry about it." And I'd say a lot of that does have to do with the way I carry myself, in hopes that I could just kinda physically disappear.


So, if you could change one thing about our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?


What would I like to change......it does seem increasingly equated with money. I cannot figure out for the life of me, why people think that certain wealthy celebrities are beautiful. And I wish we would stop bluffing around the term. You know that woman - what's her name - Susan Boyle? The British woman who's on that show....and everyone's so shocked that she's such a good singer - like people who aren't "pretty" can't be good singers. People can't figure out, "Why is it so exciting? Why is it so exciting?". It's like well, we're all so excited because someone who's not considered pretty was successful! I just wish we would stop bullshitting it so much and stop acting like we can't figure it out. Like, " Oh, good looking people are successful - why?!". We all know why, cause we all want to be them, and we all know why we're so excited about stories like this, because it's so "shocking" that an unattractive person would be talented at something. If that's the way it's gonna be, that's too bad. A lot of talented singers are gonna have better careers in the recording studio than they are performing, and that's too bad. But if that's the way it's gonna be- fine. I just wish we'd stop acting like it was such a shock.

I do feel in general, beauty is a term loosely thrown around. You wanna say someone's good looking- fine, but so many extreme words are just thrown around in the media and attached to everything. The word "beautiful" is ascribed to every attractive or good looking actress. I mean, there are a lot of good looking actresses who I wouldn't necessarily call beautiful. I do feel there's a standard. What I'd change about that standard - I don't know. It's such an arbitrary thing, and it's such an opinion based thing, that I don't like that it's thrown around as fact, I guess. Someone may be good looking, but that doesn't make them beautiful. And at the same time, there are a lot of beautiful people who may not be stereotypically good looking. It's just like, enough papers and enough opinions are out there that have all effectively argued the fact that our culture places such a priority on physical beauty. I wish we would stop acting like we don't know what the solution is to this kind of problem. Like, "Boy- this kind of culture of glorifying people just for their physical attributes, personal wealth, and expensive clothing has somehow led to all these negative effects - but what could we possibly do to stem it? ". You know - stop. That's it. Not do what we do every day. I used to work on the CBS Early Show as a production assistant, and we'd have models on all the time. And it was weird looking at them - same with a few anchors - when they first get there in the morning. You realize that certain people are just genetically designed in a way that the camera is good to them. I mean, I can see that they're pretty, but you eliminate that camera, and they might not be held up as this epitome of beauty.

It's kind of baffling to me that after all the discussion we've had, in this age of so much information, when so many voices can be heard and so many people have a chance - we still can't get past this. We still can't man up and say, this is incredibly wrong...the way we hold - girls really more than guys. Guys too, but much more girls - to this unfair standard that is destroying their lives and destroying how they are. The answer's there. We just have to stop pretending that we don't know how to face the problem because we realize how much money there is to be made in selling stuff with pretty people. That's the one piece of good that I hope comes out of this whole Susan Boyle thing. Maybe we'll start believing, boy- you don't have to be "pretty" to sell things! But it is ridiculous to me. Everyone's just so afraid of losing money and that they can't win the fight, that no one will step up and say we should stop doing this. There are a lot of "this's" that we know how to stop doing, but don't. And in my opinion, one big one is our society's obsession with pretty people.