"This above all : to thine own self be true."-William Shakespeare
From the moment a mutual friend relayed the message that Laura was interested in being interviewed for my blog, I was excited. Not only was this a young woman raised in a completely different culture from my own, but this was also someone I didn't really know on a personal level, and thus, had no idea what she was going to say. I knew she had an opinion about the topic in general, but as far as beauty's role in her personal life, your guess was as good as mine. I've often been told that I'm pretty perceptive when it comes to other people and what they're all about, so it wasn't shocking to me when my impression of Laura - from the few times we had spoken in passing - as self-assured, self-confident, and comfortable in her own skin, turned out to be pretty accurate. But that's where my intuition ended, and assumptions began. Assumptions that I realize, I make quite often when people appear to be content with themselves and their lives. I automatically assume that this contentment is due to something they have, something they possess. Surely she wouldn't feel so confident if she were single, or surely he wouldn't be that content if he hadn't landed that big acting gig. Significant others, the number of friends, a gorgeous apartment, a successful business - the list goes on and on, and it's fraught with seeking the approval of others. What Laura's interview helped me to realize, is that despite my firm belief that one's physical appearance cannot make someone happy, I still seem to have this silly assumption that these other "things" are equated with one's level of self-worth, so a person can't be truly self-confident unless other people give them a reason to be so. In a nutshell, this way of thinking is essentially eliminating the "self" and equating worth with approval - which is, ironically, the same issue I'm working to combat with this blog,regarding our society's ridiculous viewpoint and standard of beauty. The way we are told to view beauty could also be considered one of those "things" that if attained, will equal contentment.
But Laura doesn't fit that assumption. Her self-worth comes from herself. That's not to say that all those other factors can't add to one's happiness in life - of course they can. But I think Laura said it best when she spoke of having only herself to rely on, and realizing that if she didn't take care of that, everything else would be lost. To me, that's like saying, " How can you truly enjoy life, if you don't like the person living it?". She not only forced me into realization regarding these assumptions, but also into the realization that maybe because life hasn't been treating me very favorably recently, I, in turn, haven't been appreciating and treating myself very well either. Yes, there are times when other people and extenuating circumstances are going to have an effect on how you feel, and may make you more susceptible to a decline in self-worth. But what we have to remember is, what someone else thinks about you, your job, your talent, etc, changes nothing about who you are deep inside and how very much you are worth.
This year has been a rough one for me, and as far as hopes and dreams go, there have been so many times I've wanted to throw in the towel. Many sleepless nights are fraught with questions : Did I really go through 14 years of battling and recovering from something that almost killed me, for this?..... If I'm really capable of achieving my career goals, why am I still working the same old part time jobs?....If so many people really do care about me, why do I feel so very alone?....But although it may not have been in the literal sense, I, like Laura, have taken some time to study myself, disregard what life has been telling me, and look deep inside to see what I'm really made of. Though I've been able to feel a little better in those moments, the contentment is fleeting, and it takes a great deal of work to be able to get back to that point on a day when I'd give just about anything to swap lives with any carefree girl that passes me on the street. But I will say, the more I've succeeded in doing so, the more moments like watching the sunset over the East River, or lying on a beautiful beach with one of my best friends ,or getting a hug from someone I love, have helped me to see that yes, despite everything, this battle HAS been worth it. I've been able to take heart that while I may only be working part-time jobs right now, every little step I take towards where I'd like my career to go, is clearly taking me closer and closer to the goal I desire - I just need to practice a little more patience and be more appreciative of the progress that's already being made. And lastly, I've been able to see that those people in my life who care about me, really do love me more than I ever realized. I've simply been blind to it because I haven't been taking the time to love myself.
So in addition to thanking Laura for all her wisdom and insight about beauty, and beauty in other cultures as well, I would also like to thank her for helping me take the time to ignore all the negative noise of the outside world, and take a moment to really look inward. It's certainly no piece of cake, but I'm working to keep those blinders off, and it's my hope that all of you will do the same. Imagine the beauty we might experience, if we can first find the beauty within ourselves.
So, I think the first question I want to ask you is - you said that you've read a few of the blogs and...
I just browsed through them.
What was it about reading them, or what was it about the topic that made you want to be interviewed?
Well, you know - I think the concept of beauty is one of those things that's been profited from in this culture, and I think it's a very dangerous thing that it's being profited from. I think it's interesting to hear what other people have to say about it, without having some kind of commercial interest behind it. Like, I notice that everybody whom I meet who hasn't done some investing in their own development as a person - their concepts about what's beautiful or who they think is beautiful, are very prepackaged, very boring. And as a visual artist, I'm very interested in beauty. I always have been....but sort of my version of what's beautiful.
Okay- well, I was going to ask you this anyway, but what you just said was the perfect lead-in. It's like it was scripted! I was going to ask you - what is your version of beauty? What is beauty, to you?
I think beauty is....I would say it's that, which can be absolutely anything, that's pleasing and intriguing to the eye, but also it's stimulating to the other senses - so like, the rest of you. Beauty is the most ambiguous thing there is. To me, one of the most relieving things that I've ever read in my life was "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." To me, that was the greatest relief ever. But, you know, it's true. It's the most ambiguous concept. I hope that makes sense.
It totally makes sense. And the funny thing is, your definition of "beauty", if you look it up in the Merriam Webster's dictionary, it's almost word for word what you said. There are several definitions, but that's the first and foremost definition. I use it as part of the blog, so you really hit the nail on the head!
I haven't looked it up! See why I didn't look it up?!
I know, I know. But to me, that says you have a really healthy and wonderful perception of beauty, because I guess you understand what it really means....more than a lot of people do, I think.
Where I grew up in Santo Domingo, somebody who looks like me wouldn't be necessarily so beautiful, because beauty had a very colonialist ideal behind it. Since I was a little girl, I've always been a bit rebellious, so I always kinda felt like - okay, you're b.s.-ing me...I don't believe you. But you know - I've probably been called ugly more than most people I know, right?
Really?!
Yes, but it's because they were not looking at me. They were looking at my skin color,they were looking at my features, they were looking at the fact that I didn't straighten my hair. And that pointed out that coming from a post-colonialist environment, you have to - if you look like me, you have to sort of realize that that conception of beauty is just one conception of it. And it's just a conception that was created to make a profit, right? So to survive, to have self-esteem - you have to realize that. Luckily for me, I kind of realized that early, because otherwise, I would end up like a lot of people I know from back home who - you know - we're brown, we have brown eyes, but they were always looking for things they don't have....like contact lenses, or you have to dye your hair, straighten your hair. I always try to tell my friends, you have to embrace the way you are and find beauty in it, not the other way around. But that culture is geared towards making you do it the other way around. So, when I got here, it's not a colonialist or a post-colonialist mindset of beauty, but it's a corporate, capitalistic mindset of beauty, which is similar.
It's in a different way, but has the same effect.
Yeah. Beauty is never an inward gaze. It's the outward gaze that tells you how you have to look. That's not cool.
No, it's not....So, I don't know how long you've been here, but in terms of people calling you "ugly", or saying that they didn't think you were beautiful in your home town - I've had similar experiences with people saying things to me, for different reasons, when I was growing up. It affected my self-esteem, and some of those things, I carry with me to this day. Did that affect you permanently too? Do you still have physical hang-ups about yourself? And if you don't, what do you think it was that helped you get over them?
That's a good question. You know, I don't think I have physical hang-ups so much,because - it's strange - I always had a hard time relating to other people. I think visually, I'm left handed, all kinds of little things that make me sort of try to go the other way, naturally. And I would spend a lot of time on myself ,alone. As a child, I liked being alone. It was kinda weird for other people, but I think I overcame the whole thing of what other people thought about me because I would just spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror and - it's bizarre. Just looking at myself in the mirror and imagining things, or like really, really observing myself and trying to get rid of everything that I was being told. At first, I would see the Disney cartoons, and I would fantasize -like, "Oh, I want to be the Little Mermaid!" - that was my big thing. But then I realized - there's absolutely no way I can look like that woman. Like, no way. So, you start discovering things about yourself that you like. Like, I like my ability of drawing things that I wanted, of creating things. I guess at some point - I don't remember exactly which point - I started looking at other women of color that had asserted their blackness, the part of them that's black. That's an issue in the colonialist structure - not being black. And that just made me feel like, "Okay, I'm not crazy - they agree with it." You don't have to be white to be pretty, basically. Even though I don't have anything against how white people can be pretty too. Let's settle that now. My boyfriend is as white as it gets. But I think that I sort of overcame it by going more and more into my shell - which is pretty strange, but it didn't make me react to certain things. It made me strongly reject certain aspects of Dominion culture. It made me strongly reject certain sexist aspects of that culture even faster, because I felt that they rejected me to begin with, and I rejected Dominion religious practices very strongly. I just sort of disassociated from that environment entirely,to the point where I had like one friend. But at least I didn't end up having serious issues like everybody else had - issues with weight and what have you. But I don't know...I sort of have this weird thing of just looking at myself and being happy with how I look. It's bizarre.
It's not bizarre. I think it's really admirable. So, you never - I mean, I'm sure you have bad days too....
I mean, I've had bad times when I've had ...I've been close to having some eating problems, but I think it had more to do with brusque change of environment when I came to New York. It never got to the point where it was life threatening, I never ended up in the hospital, you know what I mean? And I realized that what I was doing was counterproductive - let's put it that way. It wasn't benefiting me. It wasn't even wanting to, it was more like, I have to stop, because at that point, I sort of only had myself to rely on, and if I messed up myself, then I really wasn't gonna have anything. My family did not live here, so when I came, it really got to the point where it....all you had is yourself, and you have to take care of that, because you don't have money, you don't have relatives. You're literally down to number one here. If you mess that up, everything is done. So, that was the Midas cure for me.
That's really interesting....Okay, so we've established that you've come to point where you generally feel good about yourself. If you had to pick something, what would you say is your most beautiful attribute? And you can say more than one. It can be something physical, or it can be something that has to do with who you are as a person....
My most beautiful attribute...uh....see there, that's a difficult one! Everything else was easy.
Ooooo....I'm like the Barbara Walters of blog interviews.
No, no - that's good! What do I like most about myself physically? I like how angular my face is. It gives me some severity when I need it - I love it. It's kind of elegant, but it can be severe, if I need to be. So, I would say I like that. I like being long all over. It's good. Um....inside attribute that I like about myself? I like the fact that I can become introspective, -as a way of dealing with everything - when I need to be. Like if nothing is working out, I can just walk around and fantasize, and I can just be happy without the aid of anything else, you know what I mean? I learned how to do that. I would recommend to everybody - that's good to learn. Yeah, I guess that's what I like most.
Very good. Let's see...This is sort of backtracking a little. I should've asked you this earlier. When you were talking about feeling that you were not looked upon favorably -because of dark skin and curly hair - in Santo Domingo, you said that the general views on beauty were similar, yet different, from those in the United States. Being someone with darker skin in the states - have you run into different issues regarding perceptions of beauty? I guess what I'm asking is, how are the standards different, and how are they similar?
Well, it's different because here now with...what's going on in advertising is that women who look like me - taller, brown, they got big hips, and the whole...everything else - they're hypersexualized. So, I've had a lot of experiences of people who just look at me, and they see the way I am, and to them, that's a guide that I'm hypersexualized too. Not true regarding them. So, you know, I have that experience. There is sort of a variety of canons of what beauty is here. It's a little bit more diverse because there are a lot of different ethnic groups, so they all bring their own version of what beauty is. But there's - of course - that obsession with you are either model thin or you're very voluptuous....that now has become acceptable here, but it's embraced by a very specific culture. Like, I see African American and Latin people embrace that, but so much of maybe...corporate Caucasian Americans, European Americans, are not so into that. It's very localized. I've had all kinds of experiences of feeling exoticized somewhat. I once had this customer at the store, and this woman - she was a Caucasian woman in her middle age - she touched my hair, and she said "You have such a beautiful face...I wish I could sculpt you!" I've had experiences like that...and uglier experiences here. But back home it's more of....Europeans go there because they want really dark-skinned women, but Dominican guys are like, " Oh, white!". It's doesn't matter what you really look like. If you are white, and you've got straight hair, and you dye it blond - you're like "Wow". It doesn't matter how you look otherwise. The craziest thing is, if you're walking around and they think you look good - even if you look like me which is like, you can't be blond of you look like me - they'll call you "blond" because that means "good looking". It's creepy.
Really?! That's so interesting....wow. That's a lot to think about.
If you go to Santo Domingo, they'll scream "Blond!" right away.* It doesn't matter. If you're good looking, you're blond.
(*It should be noted that I have dark brown hair.)
That's mind boggling to me. I never knew that.....So, you've mentioned that you're a visual artist, which I guessed because of where you work, and I know that you have a great interest in art. Do you think that having that interest and that experience has helped you have a more positive, healthier perspective on beauty?
I think so, because to be a good visual artist - and I do a lot of different media. Right now, I'm doing sculpture mainly, just to give an idea of what kinds of things I do - you have to challenge yourself. It's a race against yourself. You can't compare yourself to other artists because you're doing completely different things most of the time. One of my challenges that I've put on myself since I was fairly young, was to express that which I thought was truly, truly beautiful, truly interesting to me. Not what canons support or what other people would find interesting. Like whenever I make something, I don't make it to sell. Unless I'm making a present, I really don't care whether other people are gonna find it beautiful or frightening or whatever. Which has happened - the frightening part. It's just...I've always had this very silly goal in life. Like, it sounds silly and corny to other people, but my whole goal in life is to be happy. People always tell me, "Oh, what do you wanna do?"...I just wanna be happy, and that means you have to be flexible, you have to be open, but you also have to keep track, check of yourself, of how you're doing, what you're doing. A big part of being an artist is to be able to have the initiative to explore parts of yourself that might scare you, that might bring out intense emotion, to really communicate that which is unique about your experience and your time, because otherwise, you're just another person who knows how to use art supplies, you know?
Wow. Very cool. So, this is kind of a loaded question too, but if you could change one thing about the current standard of beauty in our society - like, the starting point - what do you think it would be?
I would most like to change the whole thing about being either blond or like, a defined brunette. I would like to see people embrace more their natural hair color. I like natural hair color. I can always tell when people dye it, usually. I just...I would like to see people embrace their natural eye color, their natural pigmentation in general. I also hate fake tans. They're hideous. I think that's a big part of embracing yourself - just realizing that the way you are, as a package naturally, is the best palette for you. When you bring an outside element, you're disturbing the color palette, usually. Some people do it for fun, and that's okay. If that is what they're really happy doing, go for it! But I have friends that...I don't know what their natural hair color is. For me, some people will tell me, " Oh, you should brighten up something here and there...", because everything on me is brown, different shades of brown. But that is the way I am. That's the color palette that works best. Or even people who have grays. I wanna see grays. I like grays. They're nice. Dyed grays - not that nice. It's bizarre, but I've been thinking about this the past few weeks...I've been looking at like the older you get, the more veins show, the more marks you get, but you kind of start looking tree-like. You know how trees have that sort of texture and stillness? Trees have this way of sort of being sensuous when they're old. Like, the older you get, if people actually embrace getting older, they'll eventually look sensuous in the same way a tree does. If they don't, they might end up looking like some of my customers. They have a lot of plastic surgery, where they become unrecognizable compared to the person they used to be. I said it was kinda weird, but....
No, I like it. Anything else you'd like to add?
It's just sort of a reflection that, you know, the more you embrace finding your own things which you find beautiful -the more you enjoy life. Being able to actually contemplate life, I think, helps you live it a little better. I don't know how to meditate or anything, but just looking at the beautiful things that we're being presented to as beautiful every day, are not really calming. I would say, even if somebody feels great about how they look , and they fit the prototype of what's beautiful in this culture, it might be a sort of rewarding and... like growth... experience, enriching experience, to just take a moment to just look at something which you find beautiful, and nobody else told you was beautiful, and just really embrace it and look at it. Or if you like music, listen to it....touch it, if touching is your thing. At the rhythm in which we live now, I think it's a really important thing for me to do. I do it all the time to calm myself down. It might be beneficial for other people to do it as well.
Now I want to ask you another question!
Go for it!
What are some of those things that lead you to do that? Just curious....
Like right now, we're sitting in this restaurant, and I'm looking at the red glasses with the candles in them, and the way the light reflects on the brick - to me that's very calming and beautiful. It could be literally anything. We go back to the beginning of the description of beauty, like it's such an ambiguous thing. That could be the way the dirt piles on a heater that has chipped up paint. It could be the way piano notes follow each other. Or it could just be looking at somebody, and looking at their hands, or looking at somebody's skin texture. Let's say, going to the park with me is kind of a trip. I stop and look at stuff and touch it. Stuff, not people. But, you know, just sort of find your own things. That's the main idea - it could literally be anything. When I'm really, really, really upset, I just look at a piece of wall, and look at the way the light hits and how it diffuses, and it calms me down. To you, it might be looking at your iPod , you know?
Well, I don't have an iPod, but music is definitely one of those things for me....and I like soft, red light a lot too. Good stuff, Laura.
This year has been a rough one for me, and as far as hopes and dreams go, there have been so many times I've wanted to throw in the towel. Many sleepless nights are fraught with questions : Did I really go through 14 years of battling and recovering from something that almost killed me, for this?..... If I'm really capable of achieving my career goals, why am I still working the same old part time jobs?....If so many people really do care about me, why do I feel so very alone?....But although it may not have been in the literal sense, I, like Laura, have taken some time to study myself, disregard what life has been telling me, and look deep inside to see what I'm really made of. Though I've been able to feel a little better in those moments, the contentment is fleeting, and it takes a great deal of work to be able to get back to that point on a day when I'd give just about anything to swap lives with any carefree girl that passes me on the street. But I will say, the more I've succeeded in doing so, the more moments like watching the sunset over the East River, or lying on a beautiful beach with one of my best friends ,or getting a hug from someone I love, have helped me to see that yes, despite everything, this battle HAS been worth it. I've been able to take heart that while I may only be working part-time jobs right now, every little step I take towards where I'd like my career to go, is clearly taking me closer and closer to the goal I desire - I just need to practice a little more patience and be more appreciative of the progress that's already being made. And lastly, I've been able to see that those people in my life who care about me, really do love me more than I ever realized. I've simply been blind to it because I haven't been taking the time to love myself.
So in addition to thanking Laura for all her wisdom and insight about beauty, and beauty in other cultures as well, I would also like to thank her for helping me take the time to ignore all the negative noise of the outside world, and take a moment to really look inward. It's certainly no piece of cake, but I'm working to keep those blinders off, and it's my hope that all of you will do the same. Imagine the beauty we might experience, if we can first find the beauty within ourselves.
So, I think the first question I want to ask you is - you said that you've read a few of the blogs and...
I just browsed through them.
What was it about reading them, or what was it about the topic that made you want to be interviewed?
Well, you know - I think the concept of beauty is one of those things that's been profited from in this culture, and I think it's a very dangerous thing that it's being profited from. I think it's interesting to hear what other people have to say about it, without having some kind of commercial interest behind it. Like, I notice that everybody whom I meet who hasn't done some investing in their own development as a person - their concepts about what's beautiful or who they think is beautiful, are very prepackaged, very boring. And as a visual artist, I'm very interested in beauty. I always have been....but sort of my version of what's beautiful.
Okay- well, I was going to ask you this anyway, but what you just said was the perfect lead-in. It's like it was scripted! I was going to ask you - what is your version of beauty? What is beauty, to you?
I think beauty is....I would say it's that, which can be absolutely anything, that's pleasing and intriguing to the eye, but also it's stimulating to the other senses - so like, the rest of you. Beauty is the most ambiguous thing there is. To me, one of the most relieving things that I've ever read in my life was "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." To me, that was the greatest relief ever. But, you know, it's true. It's the most ambiguous concept. I hope that makes sense.
It totally makes sense. And the funny thing is, your definition of "beauty", if you look it up in the Merriam Webster's dictionary, it's almost word for word what you said. There are several definitions, but that's the first and foremost definition. I use it as part of the blog, so you really hit the nail on the head!
I haven't looked it up! See why I didn't look it up?!
I know, I know. But to me, that says you have a really healthy and wonderful perception of beauty, because I guess you understand what it really means....more than a lot of people do, I think.
Where I grew up in Santo Domingo, somebody who looks like me wouldn't be necessarily so beautiful, because beauty had a very colonialist ideal behind it. Since I was a little girl, I've always been a bit rebellious, so I always kinda felt like - okay, you're b.s.-ing me...I don't believe you. But you know - I've probably been called ugly more than most people I know, right?
Really?!
Yes, but it's because they were not looking at me. They were looking at my skin color,they were looking at my features, they were looking at the fact that I didn't straighten my hair. And that pointed out that coming from a post-colonialist environment, you have to - if you look like me, you have to sort of realize that that conception of beauty is just one conception of it. And it's just a conception that was created to make a profit, right? So to survive, to have self-esteem - you have to realize that. Luckily for me, I kind of realized that early, because otherwise, I would end up like a lot of people I know from back home who - you know - we're brown, we have brown eyes, but they were always looking for things they don't have....like contact lenses, or you have to dye your hair, straighten your hair. I always try to tell my friends, you have to embrace the way you are and find beauty in it, not the other way around. But that culture is geared towards making you do it the other way around. So, when I got here, it's not a colonialist or a post-colonialist mindset of beauty, but it's a corporate, capitalistic mindset of beauty, which is similar.
It's in a different way, but has the same effect.
Yeah. Beauty is never an inward gaze. It's the outward gaze that tells you how you have to look. That's not cool.
No, it's not....So, I don't know how long you've been here, but in terms of people calling you "ugly", or saying that they didn't think you were beautiful in your home town - I've had similar experiences with people saying things to me, for different reasons, when I was growing up. It affected my self-esteem, and some of those things, I carry with me to this day. Did that affect you permanently too? Do you still have physical hang-ups about yourself? And if you don't, what do you think it was that helped you get over them?
That's a good question. You know, I don't think I have physical hang-ups so much,because - it's strange - I always had a hard time relating to other people. I think visually, I'm left handed, all kinds of little things that make me sort of try to go the other way, naturally. And I would spend a lot of time on myself ,alone. As a child, I liked being alone. It was kinda weird for other people, but I think I overcame the whole thing of what other people thought about me because I would just spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror and - it's bizarre. Just looking at myself in the mirror and imagining things, or like really, really observing myself and trying to get rid of everything that I was being told. At first, I would see the Disney cartoons, and I would fantasize -like, "Oh, I want to be the Little Mermaid!" - that was my big thing. But then I realized - there's absolutely no way I can look like that woman. Like, no way. So, you start discovering things about yourself that you like. Like, I like my ability of drawing things that I wanted, of creating things. I guess at some point - I don't remember exactly which point - I started looking at other women of color that had asserted their blackness, the part of them that's black. That's an issue in the colonialist structure - not being black. And that just made me feel like, "Okay, I'm not crazy - they agree with it." You don't have to be white to be pretty, basically. Even though I don't have anything against how white people can be pretty too. Let's settle that now. My boyfriend is as white as it gets. But I think that I sort of overcame it by going more and more into my shell - which is pretty strange, but it didn't make me react to certain things. It made me strongly reject certain aspects of Dominion culture. It made me strongly reject certain sexist aspects of that culture even faster, because I felt that they rejected me to begin with, and I rejected Dominion religious practices very strongly. I just sort of disassociated from that environment entirely,to the point where I had like one friend. But at least I didn't end up having serious issues like everybody else had - issues with weight and what have you. But I don't know...I sort of have this weird thing of just looking at myself and being happy with how I look. It's bizarre.
It's not bizarre. I think it's really admirable. So, you never - I mean, I'm sure you have bad days too....
I mean, I've had bad times when I've had ...I've been close to having some eating problems, but I think it had more to do with brusque change of environment when I came to New York. It never got to the point where it was life threatening, I never ended up in the hospital, you know what I mean? And I realized that what I was doing was counterproductive - let's put it that way. It wasn't benefiting me. It wasn't even wanting to, it was more like, I have to stop, because at that point, I sort of only had myself to rely on, and if I messed up myself, then I really wasn't gonna have anything. My family did not live here, so when I came, it really got to the point where it....all you had is yourself, and you have to take care of that, because you don't have money, you don't have relatives. You're literally down to number one here. If you mess that up, everything is done. So, that was the Midas cure for me.
That's really interesting....Okay, so we've established that you've come to point where you generally feel good about yourself. If you had to pick something, what would you say is your most beautiful attribute? And you can say more than one. It can be something physical, or it can be something that has to do with who you are as a person....
My most beautiful attribute...uh....see there, that's a difficult one! Everything else was easy.
Ooooo....I'm like the Barbara Walters of blog interviews.
No, no - that's good! What do I like most about myself physically? I like how angular my face is. It gives me some severity when I need it - I love it. It's kind of elegant, but it can be severe, if I need to be. So, I would say I like that. I like being long all over. It's good. Um....inside attribute that I like about myself? I like the fact that I can become introspective, -as a way of dealing with everything - when I need to be. Like if nothing is working out, I can just walk around and fantasize, and I can just be happy without the aid of anything else, you know what I mean? I learned how to do that. I would recommend to everybody - that's good to learn. Yeah, I guess that's what I like most.
Very good. Let's see...This is sort of backtracking a little. I should've asked you this earlier. When you were talking about feeling that you were not looked upon favorably -because of dark skin and curly hair - in Santo Domingo, you said that the general views on beauty were similar, yet different, from those in the United States. Being someone with darker skin in the states - have you run into different issues regarding perceptions of beauty? I guess what I'm asking is, how are the standards different, and how are they similar?
Well, it's different because here now with...what's going on in advertising is that women who look like me - taller, brown, they got big hips, and the whole...everything else - they're hypersexualized. So, I've had a lot of experiences of people who just look at me, and they see the way I am, and to them, that's a guide that I'm hypersexualized too. Not true regarding them. So, you know, I have that experience. There is sort of a variety of canons of what beauty is here. It's a little bit more diverse because there are a lot of different ethnic groups, so they all bring their own version of what beauty is. But there's - of course - that obsession with you are either model thin or you're very voluptuous....that now has become acceptable here, but it's embraced by a very specific culture. Like, I see African American and Latin people embrace that, but so much of maybe...corporate Caucasian Americans, European Americans, are not so into that. It's very localized. I've had all kinds of experiences of feeling exoticized somewhat. I once had this customer at the store, and this woman - she was a Caucasian woman in her middle age - she touched my hair, and she said "You have such a beautiful face...I wish I could sculpt you!" I've had experiences like that...and uglier experiences here. But back home it's more of....Europeans go there because they want really dark-skinned women, but Dominican guys are like, " Oh, white!". It's doesn't matter what you really look like. If you are white, and you've got straight hair, and you dye it blond - you're like "Wow". It doesn't matter how you look otherwise. The craziest thing is, if you're walking around and they think you look good - even if you look like me which is like, you can't be blond of you look like me - they'll call you "blond" because that means "good looking". It's creepy.
Really?! That's so interesting....wow. That's a lot to think about.
If you go to Santo Domingo, they'll scream "Blond!" right away.* It doesn't matter. If you're good looking, you're blond.
(*It should be noted that I have dark brown hair.)
That's mind boggling to me. I never knew that.....So, you've mentioned that you're a visual artist, which I guessed because of where you work, and I know that you have a great interest in art. Do you think that having that interest and that experience has helped you have a more positive, healthier perspective on beauty?
I think so, because to be a good visual artist - and I do a lot of different media. Right now, I'm doing sculpture mainly, just to give an idea of what kinds of things I do - you have to challenge yourself. It's a race against yourself. You can't compare yourself to other artists because you're doing completely different things most of the time. One of my challenges that I've put on myself since I was fairly young, was to express that which I thought was truly, truly beautiful, truly interesting to me. Not what canons support or what other people would find interesting. Like whenever I make something, I don't make it to sell. Unless I'm making a present, I really don't care whether other people are gonna find it beautiful or frightening or whatever. Which has happened - the frightening part. It's just...I've always had this very silly goal in life. Like, it sounds silly and corny to other people, but my whole goal in life is to be happy. People always tell me, "Oh, what do you wanna do?"...I just wanna be happy, and that means you have to be flexible, you have to be open, but you also have to keep track, check of yourself, of how you're doing, what you're doing. A big part of being an artist is to be able to have the initiative to explore parts of yourself that might scare you, that might bring out intense emotion, to really communicate that which is unique about your experience and your time, because otherwise, you're just another person who knows how to use art supplies, you know?
Wow. Very cool. So, this is kind of a loaded question too, but if you could change one thing about the current standard of beauty in our society - like, the starting point - what do you think it would be?
I would most like to change the whole thing about being either blond or like, a defined brunette. I would like to see people embrace more their natural hair color. I like natural hair color. I can always tell when people dye it, usually. I just...I would like to see people embrace their natural eye color, their natural pigmentation in general. I also hate fake tans. They're hideous. I think that's a big part of embracing yourself - just realizing that the way you are, as a package naturally, is the best palette for you. When you bring an outside element, you're disturbing the color palette, usually. Some people do it for fun, and that's okay. If that is what they're really happy doing, go for it! But I have friends that...I don't know what their natural hair color is. For me, some people will tell me, " Oh, you should brighten up something here and there...", because everything on me is brown, different shades of brown. But that is the way I am. That's the color palette that works best. Or even people who have grays. I wanna see grays. I like grays. They're nice. Dyed grays - not that nice. It's bizarre, but I've been thinking about this the past few weeks...I've been looking at like the older you get, the more veins show, the more marks you get, but you kind of start looking tree-like. You know how trees have that sort of texture and stillness? Trees have this way of sort of being sensuous when they're old. Like, the older you get, if people actually embrace getting older, they'll eventually look sensuous in the same way a tree does. If they don't, they might end up looking like some of my customers. They have a lot of plastic surgery, where they become unrecognizable compared to the person they used to be. I said it was kinda weird, but....
No, I like it. Anything else you'd like to add?
It's just sort of a reflection that, you know, the more you embrace finding your own things which you find beautiful -the more you enjoy life. Being able to actually contemplate life, I think, helps you live it a little better. I don't know how to meditate or anything, but just looking at the beautiful things that we're being presented to as beautiful every day, are not really calming. I would say, even if somebody feels great about how they look , and they fit the prototype of what's beautiful in this culture, it might be a sort of rewarding and... like growth... experience, enriching experience, to just take a moment to just look at something which you find beautiful, and nobody else told you was beautiful, and just really embrace it and look at it. Or if you like music, listen to it....touch it, if touching is your thing. At the rhythm in which we live now, I think it's a really important thing for me to do. I do it all the time to calm myself down. It might be beneficial for other people to do it as well.
Now I want to ask you another question!
Go for it!
What are some of those things that lead you to do that? Just curious....
Like right now, we're sitting in this restaurant, and I'm looking at the red glasses with the candles in them, and the way the light reflects on the brick - to me that's very calming and beautiful. It could be literally anything. We go back to the beginning of the description of beauty, like it's such an ambiguous thing. That could be the way the dirt piles on a heater that has chipped up paint. It could be the way piano notes follow each other. Or it could just be looking at somebody, and looking at their hands, or looking at somebody's skin texture. Let's say, going to the park with me is kind of a trip. I stop and look at stuff and touch it. Stuff, not people. But, you know, just sort of find your own things. That's the main idea - it could literally be anything. When I'm really, really, really upset, I just look at a piece of wall, and look at the way the light hits and how it diffuses, and it calms me down. To you, it might be looking at your iPod , you know?
Well, I don't have an iPod, but music is definitely one of those things for me....and I like soft, red light a lot too. Good stuff, Laura.
