Today is my birthday. It has obviously been quite some time since I have written, but I wanted to take a minute today to say a special thank you to some of the most beautiful people I know - my friends and my family. Anyone who grew up in or near the Pittsburgh area is extremely familiar with the favorite holiday commercial I have posted below. As a little girl, I loved it because it seemed to fill me with the magic of the season every time my eyes lit up at the TV. As an 18 year old - a mere month before I nearly died - it became of symbol of those people "lifting me up" to beat my anorexia when I was too weak and sick to do it for myself. That commercial meant everything to me.
But this year, the first time I saw it I left the room and cried. It seemed nothing but a cruel reminder that I would never get to the top of that metaphorical tree that I long for in my heart, because I'm not good enough. Not special enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, successful enough, young enough, fun enough - you name it. After all,if anyone else believes it or says it out loud, it must be true, right? My friends and family have endlessly begged to differ,yet I only heard and saw the negative, relived over and over in my mind. I saw that commercial again last night, and I suddenly saw it through different eyes. I realized that that tree has been reaching down to lift me up the entire time. That tree is the most beautiful tree imaginable because it is made of my family and my friends. People who TRULY know me and love me. No matter who or what pushes me to the ground, they continue to lift me to the top and encourage me to sparkle and shine by being myself, no matter how many times I fall or get pushed back down. Do I really believe that I am worthy in my heart? Not yet. But I did much more so at one time, and I don't think anyone that special would be wasting their time holding me up until I can do it on my own if it wasn't possible to feel that way - and maybe even more - again.
So, thank you -from the bottom of my heart - to each of you that make up that beautiful, beautiful tree. I wish only beauty, true joy, and peace of mind and heart to you - at Christmas time and always.
