ELIZABETH

* drawing by Elizabeth

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

They say that we alone are our harshest critics. I don't know who they are, but I definitely think they're onto something. Much of my blog thus far has been focused on our society's views regarding beauty. Almost always unattainable and often absurd, we are made to feel as if our entire self-worth should be based on how close we are to achieving such standards. A more than valid point that absolutely needs to be addressed. But given that one of my main goals with this project is to get people talking about their own personal views on beauty and its relationship to self-worth, I find it ironic that I've somehow managed to neglect just how much of our feelings on this very issue can be brought on almost completely by ourselves. A couple of posts touched on this aspect, but it took Elizabeth's responses to get me to realize that that's not something that is being addressed, or even admitted to, all that often. The majority of the interviews I've conducted have centered around the insecurities brought on by the people and circumstances around us. Virtually every insecurity seemed rooted in an outside source....until now.

Elizabeth has been a coworker of mine for a couple of years now, and it was actually my initial ideas that eventually surfaced as this blog, that got us talking a little more openly with one another. From our experience chatting and eventually becoming friends, I've become aware of her true individuality, as a human being and as a woman, marching to the beat of a drum that is uniquely her own. She has her own way of doing things and doesn't seem to give much thought as to whether you approve. She dresses in whatever intelligently whimsical way strikes her as appropriate, speaks freely when she feels a need to do so, carries out tasks the way she feels is best, and makes no apologies if you don't agree. This is simply who she is. But the interesting thing is that despite this confidence with regard to others, there is one person whose opinion matters more than anything, and that would be her own. I feel that she and I know each other well enough to admit that I noticed this tendency to have rather lofty expectations of herself, shortly after she joined my workplace - and quite frankly, it bothered me. In hindsight, I realize that the reason it bothered me had little to do with her, and much to do with how similar this behavior was to the unrealistic standards I so often set for myself. And how very much I hated to admit it.

It has been an ongoing struggle for me for as far back as I can recall. Case in point - my parents being summoned for a meeting with my elementary school principal, to discuss the unrealistic expectations of perfection they were placing on me. Imagine how they must have felt when my 7 year old self had to confess to both the principal and mommy and daddy, that it was all me. I was putting this pressure upon my myself because I pretty much felt like as much of a failure as a second grader can, every time I fell short of perfect. And of course, my battle with anorexia was teeming with so-called perfectionistic rituals. Comparisons with other anorexics were often nearly as anxiety ridden as the prospect of eating itself. I'll never forget how I felt that bitter cold February day in 1999, when the head of my medical team came into my hospital room and told me that there wasn't much else they could do, and I would probably die within two weeks. Instead of the incomprehensible fear and despair one would expect to accompany such a talking to, I was immediately on the defensive, thinking that I was finally becoming one of the best anorexics, and that he was simply trying to trick me into gaining weight and becoming average again. Yes, much of that was my illness talking, but I can't help but feel that there was a big chunk of my true self in that thought as well. To this day, I feel that that is the reason why I am so sensitive to the need to control, the need to be better than expected - because deep down, I'm aware that it's that so-called control that nearly killed me and has left me continually struggling with physical repercussions and health issues that I probably wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

But the interesting thing about observing Elizabeth and getting to know her better, is that I've seen that tendency in her change. Where I feel my recent struggles have perhaps led me back towards a greater desire for control, I have noticed a subtle, but definite change in her. That nagging drive to be " better", that she has so eloquently written about in the Question & Answer below, has slowly morphed into a true sense of self-confidence. From my view as a somewhat objective observer, it seems that in the process of recognizing and accepting those driving desires, she has developed an ease with which she approaches the same situations - still very much wanting to be quite exceptional at the task at hand, but recognizing - this is who I am , and I'm gonna do what I can do and see what happens. That ease has not only been refreshing to witness, but it has also been a comfort and a gentle reminder to me, that it might serve me well to practice the same.

Perhaps one could assume that Elizabeth's choice to write out her answers - as opposed to a tape recorded interview - and to use a sketched self-portrait, rather than a photo to go with it, might be an extension of that need for some sort of controlled perfection. But in actuality, this particular topic is one that resonates very deeply with her, and I feel that knowing she has some very strong and valuable opinions on it, she simply wanted to do it justice and give the best she has to offer, as a guesture of how much it matters to her. And that is not only okay - it's admirable and inspiring.



What is beauty to you?

To me, beauty is living one's fill. My Great-Aunt Dee loves to remind me of my great-grandmother, Muriel, who lived in a cottage in the woods and liked to draw and paint. One day, Dee showed Muriel a picture of the writer, Isak Dinesen, in a magazine. Ms. Dinesen, a pale-skinned Danish woman,lived in Africa for decades - before sunscreen. When the photograph was taken, she was a very old woman. Her face crinkled in some places, wrinkled in others, and furrowed and trailed like an elaborate rivulet run map. Muriel took a glance. "Oh!", she said. "What a beautiful face! What I wouldn't give to have the chance to draw that face in person!"

Name a body image hang-up that you have overcome or are working on overcoming. How did you do it, or what are you doing to try to change the way you feel about it?

I became very brainy to compensate for limitations I felt as a cute, female child. I needed an identity in which I wouldn't be posed as everyone else's inferior - a head to be pet and an outfit to be commented on. I wanted to be smarter than the girls, boys, teachers, and most of all, my parents. It was painful to pretend that my body didn't exist. In fact, night after night, from when I was twelve to when I was eighteen, hives scrawled out across my face, back, bottom, and legs, and tucked in between my toes and fingers. The pink, raised itch, cried out for attention and rioted against too much control happening in me and over me.

As a near grown-up in drama school, I took three years to defrost and enliven my body. It took a lot of patience and practice - through Afro-Haitian dance and modern dance - to connect to my lower body, to embody primitive impulses like joy and rage - from head to toe, and to literally stand on my own two feet. I was also lucky to struggle with and practice breathing, speaking, and singing, in Linklater, Roy Hart, and Embodied Voice work.

As an adolescent, I used to think, " They'll have to lobotomize me before they turn me into a grown-up woman." I envisioned myself as a grown-up. A petrified ideal toppled into my head, as if from TV : I would wear a dark business jacket and skirt. I would have a beautiful hairdo. I would be perched on an enormous gray flight of stairs, like those in front of government buildings. I would be stuck, neither coming from nor going anywhere - the stairs symbolic of my stuckitude. And I used to think, "What will become of me-the-real-me?"

Today I sometimes worry that I'm not the brightest belle at the ball. But more often, I am glad to be able to influence my own experience of myself, and to live more and more, on my own terms.

What do you consider to be your most beautiful attribute, and why?

Okay - I'll go out on a limb and say my breasts, torso, belly, and vagina are my most beautiful parts. These parts hold and release instincts, impressions, pleasures, and pains, that are not so easily controlled. They offer fight-or-flight responses and real access to the emotional and irrational.

I have been recently looking at a huge picture book of artifacts from the prehistoric Goddess religion in Europe. A figurine carved from bone, found in what is now Romania and dated at about 8000 BC, comes to my mind. It has no limbs and no head; it has carved out breasts and an abstract, diamond shaped womb. V-shapes dart above the womb, skyward. Inverted V's reach below the womb, toward the ground - as if to portray energy coursing between heaven, earth, and womb. Breasts and wombs meant life, and interestingly, also death, in the oldest European religions. Prehistoric people built temples shaped like female bodies and underground tombs shaped like wombs. The patriarchal systems of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam fought tooth-and-nail to turn Goddess centered, life and death symbolism on its head, to support new power paradigms.

Today many women fear feeling fully and living vibrantly in their bodies. I first flinched at the sight of the figurine I described above. " It's a naked body! If I acknowledge my body, will I become just my body and nothing more? " Then I let myself see what I saw of the Goddess figure, and I found it to be beautiful.

If you could make one change regarding our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?

I read the labels on my make-up: My lipstick - brown/red opaque- is labeled, Beauty. My mascara, Black Ruby. My "industrial strength" concealer is labeled, Boi-ing! I also sometimes dab Alabaster on my face, and circle my eyes with Night Essence.


If I could change one thing about society's current beauty/ myth set-up, I would shake the stories and accumulated dumbness out of the labels that whiz by us day after day. Labels appeal to notions we women have been taught to believe about ourselves. The division of make-up into "day" and "night" wear, corresponds to notions of female archetypes. Day make-up is advertised as light and virginal, while Night make-up is dark, dramatic, seductive, whorish. From the 1800's to the 1920's, prostitutes and play-actors were the only Americans and Brits permitted to make up with gusto. Notions of sin and "female-bodies-for-sale" are palpable in today's make-up marketing. Also, make-up is labeled "industrial strength" to appeal to women who aspire to succeed in a professional world, an industrial machine. Manufacturers market the societal prescription of making up, as an exciting job to be done.

A quest for real beauty, the quest countless fairy and folk tale characters embark on, involves losing, finding, and fighting for what one values. Manufacturers mimic this process in their make-up labels. They offer us Black Ruby and Alabaster - gems and pure treasures - for our faces. We are so soul starved, words like "gold dust" sometimes invoke possibility and value, even when applied to a slab of powder, mass produced. Night Essence eye shadow appeals to a lost engagement with nature and magic. The subterranean "night" knowledge and seeing abilities of women, long repressed and reviled, can be resurrected for a night out.

Above all, make-up labels appeal to our desire to consume special, symbolic foods. Many paints and powders are named Buttercream, Strawberry Fudge, Mocha, Muffin, etc. Manufacturers neatly circumvent the practice of selling make-up as "virginal/natural" or "whorish/seductive" with these labels, but they do not avoid myth or sexuality. Beautiful desserts hold a mythic status in many modern women's lives. They came to signify idealized domesticity, motherhood, childhood, parties, and holidays. One-third of American women are reported to have eating disorders; we struggle in our attempts to ingest matter needed to nourish ourselves. In marketing make-up as dessert, companies evoke the sweetness and satiation we may compulsively reject or compulsively consume in everyday life.

The terminology of making up is rather psychological and immaterial. We wear "shadows", "foundations", "mascara", often thought to be a mutation of a Spanish word for "mark" , that may have stemmed from an Occitan word meaning "witch". Archetypes, soul symbols, and nostalgic nods towards nature and the extraordinary, writhe beneath make-up labels. If I could change one thing about today's beauty/myth set-up, I would peel away the emphasis on getting and spending, and seek the jumble of ideas about the way we live, that lies below.

LAURA

"This above all : to thine own self be true."

-William Shakespeare

From the moment a mutual friend relayed the message that Laura was interested in being interviewed for my blog, I was excited. Not only was this a young woman raised in a completely different culture from my own, but this was also someone I didn't really know on a personal level, and thus, had no idea what she was going to say. I knew she had an opinion about the topic in general, but as far as beauty's role in her personal life, your guess was as good as mine. I've often been told that I'm pretty perceptive when it comes to other people and what they're all about, so it wasn't shocking to me when my impression of Laura - from the few times we had spoken in passing - as self-assured, self-confident, and comfortable in her own skin, turned out to be pretty accurate. But that's where my intuition ended, and assumptions began. Assumptions that I realize, I make quite often when people appear to be content with themselves and their lives. I automatically assume that this contentment is due to something they have, something they possess. Surely she wouldn't feel so confident if she were single, or surely he wouldn't be that content if he hadn't landed that big acting gig. Significant others, the number of friends, a gorgeous apartment, a successful business - the list goes on and on, and it's fraught with seeking the approval of others. What Laura's interview helped me to realize, is that despite my firm belief that one's physical appearance cannot make someone happy, I still seem to have this silly assumption that these other "things" are equated with one's level of self-worth, so a person can't be truly self-confident unless other people give them a reason to be so. In a nutshell, this way of thinking is essentially eliminating the "self" and equating worth with approval - which is, ironically, the same issue I'm working to combat with this blog,regarding our society's ridiculous viewpoint and standard of beauty. The way we are told to view beauty could also be considered one of those "things" that if attained, will equal contentment.

But Laura doesn't fit that assumption. Her self-worth comes from herself. That's not to say that all those other factors can't add to one's happiness in life - of course they can. But I think Laura said it best when she spoke of having only herself to rely on, and realizing that if she didn't take care of that, everything else would be lost. To me, that's like saying, " How can you truly enjoy life, if you don't like the person living it?". She not only forced me into realization regarding these assumptions, but also into the realization that maybe because life hasn't been treating me very favorably recently, I, in turn, haven't been appreciating and treating myself very well either. Yes, there are times when other people and extenuating circumstances are going to have an effect on how you feel, and may make you more susceptible to a decline in self-worth. But what we have to remember is, what someone else thinks about you, your job, your talent, etc, changes nothing about who you are deep inside and how very much you are worth.


This year has been a rough one for me, and as far as hopes and dreams go, there have been so many times I've wanted to throw in the towel. Many sleepless nights are fraught with questions : Did I really go through 14 years of battling and recovering from something that almost killed me, for this?..... If I'm really capable of achieving my career goals, why am I still working the same old part time jobs?....If so many people really do care about me, why do I feel so very alone?....But although it may not have been in the literal sense, I, like Laura, have taken some time to study myself, disregard what life has been telling me, and look deep inside to see what I'm really made of. Though I've been able to feel a little better in those moments, the contentment is fleeting, and it takes a great deal of work to be able to get back to that point on a day when I'd give just about anything to swap lives with any carefree girl that passes me on the street. But I will say, the more I've succeeded in doing so, the more moments like watching the sunset over the East River, or lying on a beautiful beach with one of my best friends ,or getting a hug from someone I love, have helped me to see that yes, despite everything, this battle HAS been worth it. I've been able to take heart that while I may only be working part-time jobs right now, every little step I take towards where I'd like my career to go, is clearly taking me closer and closer to the goal I desire - I just need to practice a little more patience and be more appreciative of the progress that's already being made. And lastly, I've been able to see that those people in my life who care about me, really do love me more than I ever realized. I've simply been blind to it because I haven't been taking the time to love myself.

So in addition to thanking Laura for all her wisdom and insight about beauty, and beauty in other cultures as well, I would also like to thank her for helping me take the time to ignore all the negative noise of the outside world, and take a moment to really look inward. It's certainly no piece of cake, but I'm working to keep those blinders off, and it's my hope that all of you will do the same. Imagine the beauty we might experience, if we can first find the beauty within ourselves.



So, I think the first question I want to ask you is - you said that you've read a few of the blogs and...


I just browsed through them.


What was it about reading them, or what was it about the topic that made you want to be interviewed?

Well, you know - I think the concept of beauty is one of those things that's been profited from in this culture, and I think it's a very dangerous thing that it's being profited from. I think it's interesting to hear what other people have to say about it, without having some kind of commercial interest behind it. Like, I notice that everybody whom I meet who hasn't done some investing in their own development as a person - their concepts about what's beautiful or who they think is beautiful, are very prepackaged, very boring. And as a visual artist, I'm very interested in beauty. I always have been....but sort of my version of what's beautiful.


Okay- well, I was going to ask you this anyway, but what you just said was the perfect lead-in. It's like it was scripted! I was going to ask you - what is your version of beauty? What is beauty, to you?


I think beauty is....I would say it's that, which can be absolutely anything, that's pleasing and intriguing to the eye, but also it's stimulating to the other senses - so like, the rest of you. Beauty is the most ambiguous thing there is. To me, one of the most relieving things that I've ever read in my life was "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." To me, that was the greatest relief ever. But, you know, it's true. It's the most ambiguous concept. I hope that makes sense.


It totally makes sense. And the funny thing is, your definition of "beauty", if you look it up in the Merriam Webster's dictionary, it's almost word for word what you said. There are several definitions, but that's the first and foremost definition. I use it as part of the blog, so you really hit the nail on the head!



I haven't looked it up! See why I didn't look it up?!



I know, I know. But to me, that says you have a really healthy and wonderful perception of beauty, because I guess you understand what it really means....more than a lot of people do, I think.



Where I grew up in Santo Domingo, somebody who looks like me wouldn't be necessarily so beautiful, because beauty had a very colonialist ideal behind it. Since I was a little girl, I've always been a bit rebellious, so I always kinda felt like - okay, you're b.s.-ing me...I don't believe you. But you know - I've probably been called ugly more than most people I know, right?


Really?!


Yes, but it's because they were not looking at me. They were looking at my skin color,they were looking at my features, they were looking at the fact that I didn't straighten my hair. And that pointed out that coming from a post-colonialist environment, you have to - if you look like me, you have to sort of realize that that conception of beauty is just one conception of it. And it's just a conception that was created to make a profit, right? So to survive, to have self-esteem - you have to realize that. Luckily for me, I kind of realized that early, because otherwise, I would end up like a lot of people I know from back home who - you know - we're brown, we have brown eyes, but they were always looking for things they don't have....like contact lenses, or you have to dye your hair, straighten your hair. I always try to tell my friends, you have to embrace the way you are and find beauty in it, not the other way around. But that culture is geared towards making you do it the other way around. So, when I got here, it's not a colonialist or a post-colonialist mindset of beauty, but it's a corporate, capitalistic mindset of beauty, which is similar.


It's in a different way, but has the same effect.


Yeah. Beauty is never an inward gaze. It's the outward gaze that tells you how you have to look. That's not cool.



No, it's not....So, I don't know how long you've been here, but in terms of people calling you "ugly", or saying that they didn't think you were beautiful in your home town - I've had similar experiences with people saying things to me, for different reasons, when I was growing up. It affected my self-esteem, and some of those things, I carry with me to this day. Did that affect you permanently too? Do you still have physical hang-ups about yourself? And if you don't, what do you think it was that helped you get over them?



That's a good question. You know, I don't think I have physical hang-ups so much,because - it's strange - I always had a hard time relating to other people. I think visually, I'm left handed, all kinds of little things that make me sort of try to go the other way, naturally. And I would spend a lot of time on myself ,alone. As a child, I liked being alone. It was kinda weird for other people, but I think I overcame the whole thing of what other people thought about me because I would just spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror and - it's bizarre. Just looking at myself in the mirror and imagining things, or like really, really observing myself and trying to get rid of everything that I was being told. At first, I would see the Disney cartoons, and I would fantasize -like, "Oh, I want to be the Little Mermaid!" - that was my big thing. But then I realized - there's absolutely no way I can look like that woman. Like, no way. So, you start discovering things about yourself that you like. Like, I like my ability of drawing things that I wanted, of creating things. I guess at some point - I don't remember exactly which point - I started looking at other women of color that had asserted their blackness, the part of them that's black. That's an issue in the colonialist structure - not being black. And that just made me feel like, "Okay, I'm not crazy - they agree with it." You don't have to be white to be pretty, basically. Even though I don't have anything against how white people can be pretty too. Let's settle that now. My boyfriend is as white as it gets. But I think that I sort of overcame it by going more and more into my shell - which is pretty strange, but it didn't make me react to certain things. It made me strongly reject certain aspects of Dominion culture. It made me strongly reject certain sexist aspects of that culture even faster, because I felt that they rejected me to begin with, and I rejected Dominion religious practices very strongly. I just sort of disassociated from that environment entirely,to the point where I had like one friend. But at least I didn't end up having serious issues like everybody else had - issues with weight and what have you. But I don't know...I sort of have this weird thing of just looking at myself and being happy with how I look. It's bizarre.


It's not bizarre. I think it's really admirable. So, you never - I mean, I'm sure you have bad days too....



I mean, I've had bad times when I've had ...I've been close to having some eating problems, but I think it had more to do with brusque change of environment when I came to New York. It never got to the point where it was life threatening, I never ended up in the hospital, you know what I mean? And I realized that what I was doing was counterproductive - let's put it that way. It wasn't benefiting me. It wasn't even wanting to, it was more like, I have to stop, because at that point, I sort of only had myself to rely on, and if I messed up myself, then I really wasn't gonna have anything. My family did not live here, so when I came, it really got to the point where it....all you had is yourself, and you have to take care of that, because you don't have money, you don't have relatives. You're literally down to number one here. If you mess that up, everything is done. So, that was the Midas cure for me.



That's really interesting....Okay, so we've established that you've come to point where you generally feel good about yourself. If you had to pick something, what would you say is your most beautiful attribute? And you can say more than one. It can be something physical, or it can be something that has to do with who you are as a person....



My most beautiful attribute...uh....see there, that's a difficult one! Everything else was easy.



Ooooo....I'm like the Barbara Walters of blog interviews.



No, no - that's good! What do I like most about myself physically? I like how angular my face is. It gives me some severity when I need it - I love it. It's kind of elegant, but it can be severe, if I need to be. So, I would say I like that. I like being long all over. It's good. Um....inside attribute that I like about myself? I like the fact that I can become introspective, -as a way of dealing with everything - when I need to be. Like if nothing is working out, I can just walk around and fantasize, and I can just be happy without the aid of anything else, you know what I mean? I learned how to do that. I would recommend to everybody - that's good to learn. Yeah, I guess that's what I like most.


Very good. Let's see...This is sort of backtracking a little. I should've asked you this earlier. When you were talking about feeling that you were not looked upon favorably -because of dark skin and curly hair - in Santo Domingo, you said that the general views on beauty were similar, yet different, from those in the United States. Being someone with darker skin in the states - have you run into different issues regarding perceptions of beauty? I guess what I'm asking is, how are the standards different, and how are they similar?


Well, it's different because here now with...what's going on in advertising is that women who look like me - taller, brown, they got big hips, and the whole...everything else - they're hypersexualized. So, I've had a lot of experiences of people who just look at me, and they see the way I am, and to them, that's a guide that I'm hypersexualized too. Not true regarding them. So, you know, I have that experience. There is sort of a variety of canons of what beauty is here. It's a little bit more diverse because there are a lot of different ethnic groups, so they all bring their own version of what beauty is. But there's - of course - that obsession with you are either model thin or you're very voluptuous....that now has become acceptable here, but it's embraced by a very specific culture. Like, I see African American and Latin people embrace that, but so much of maybe...corporate Caucasian Americans, European Americans, are not so into that. It's very localized. I've had all kinds of experiences of feeling exoticized somewhat. I once had this customer at the store, and this woman - she was a Caucasian woman in her middle age - she touched my hair, and she said "You have such a beautiful face...I wish I could sculpt you!" I've had experiences like that...and uglier experiences here. But back home it's more of....Europeans go there because they want really dark-skinned women, but Dominican guys are like, " Oh, white!". It's doesn't matter what you really look like. If you are white, and you've got straight hair, and you dye it blond - you're like "Wow". It doesn't matter how you look otherwise. The craziest thing is, if you're walking around and they think you look good - even if you look like me which is like, you can't be blond of you look like me - they'll call you "blond" because that means "good looking". It's creepy.



Really?! That's so interesting....wow. That's a lot to think about.



If you go to Santo Domingo, they'll scream "Blond!" right away.* It doesn't matter. If you're good looking, you're blond.


(*It should be noted that I have dark brown hair.)



That's mind boggling to me. I never knew that.....So, you've mentioned that you're a visual artist, which I guessed because of where you work, and I know that you have a great interest in art. Do you think that having that interest and that experience has helped you have a more positive, healthier perspective on beauty?


I think so, because to be a good visual artist - and I do a lot of different media. Right now, I'm doing sculpture mainly, just to give an idea of what kinds of things I do - you have to challenge yourself. It's a race against yourself. You can't compare yourself to other artists because you're doing completely different things most of the time. One of my challenges that I've put on myself since I was fairly young, was to express that which I thought was truly, truly beautiful, truly interesting to me. Not what canons support or what other people would find interesting. Like whenever I make something, I don't make it to sell. Unless I'm making a present, I really don't care whether other people are gonna find it beautiful or frightening or whatever. Which has happened - the frightening part. It's just...I've always had this very silly goal in life. Like, it sounds silly and corny to other people, but my whole goal in life is to be happy. People always tell me, "Oh, what do you wanna do?"...I just wanna be happy, and that means you have to be flexible, you have to be open, but you also have to keep track, check of yourself, of how you're doing, what you're doing. A big part of being an artist is to be able to have the initiative to explore parts of yourself that might scare you, that might bring out intense emotion, to really communicate that which is unique about your experience and your time, because otherwise, you're just another person who knows how to use art supplies, you know?


Wow. Very cool. So, this is kind of a loaded question too, but if you could change one thing about the current standard of beauty in our society - like, the starting point - what do you think it would be?



I would most like to change the whole thing about being either blond or like, a defined brunette. I would like to see people embrace more their natural hair color. I like natural hair color. I can always tell when people dye it, usually. I just...I would like to see people embrace their natural eye color, their natural pigmentation in general. I also hate fake tans. They're hideous. I think that's a big part of embracing yourself - just realizing that the way you are, as a package naturally, is the best palette for you. When you bring an outside element, you're disturbing the color palette, usually. Some people do it for fun, and that's okay. If that is what they're really happy doing, go for it! But I have friends that...I don't know what their natural hair color is. For me, some people will tell me, " Oh, you should brighten up something here and there...", because everything on me is brown, different shades of brown. But that is the way I am. That's the color palette that works best. Or even people who have grays. I wanna see grays. I like grays. They're nice. Dyed grays - not that nice. It's bizarre, but I've been thinking about this the past few weeks...I've been looking at like the older you get, the more veins show, the more marks you get, but you kind of start looking tree-like. You know how trees have that sort of texture and stillness? Trees have this way of sort of being sensuous when they're old. Like, the older you get, if people actually embrace getting older, they'll eventually look sensuous in the same way a tree does. If they don't, they might end up looking like some of my customers. They have a lot of plastic surgery, where they become unrecognizable compared to the person they used to be. I said it was kinda weird, but....


No, I like it. Anything else you'd like to add?



It's just sort of a reflection that, you know, the more you embrace finding your own things which you find beautiful -the more you enjoy life. Being able to actually contemplate life, I think, helps you live it a little better. I don't know how to meditate or anything, but just looking at the beautiful things that we're being presented to as beautiful every day, are not really calming. I would say, even if somebody feels great about how they look , and they fit the prototype of what's beautiful in this culture, it might be a sort of rewarding and... like growth... experience, enriching experience, to just take a moment to just look at something which you find beautiful, and nobody else told you was beautiful, and just really embrace it and look at it. Or if you like music, listen to it....touch it, if touching is your thing. At the rhythm in which we live now, I think it's a really important thing for me to do. I do it all the time to calm myself down. It might be beneficial for other people to do it as well.


Now I want to ask you another question!


Go for it!


What are some of those things that lead you to do that? Just curious....


Like right now, we're sitting in this restaurant, and I'm looking at the red glasses with the candles in them, and the way the light reflects on the brick - to me that's very calming and beautiful. It could be literally anything. We go back to the beginning of the description of beauty, like it's such an ambiguous thing. That could be the way the dirt piles on a heater that has chipped up paint. It could be the way piano notes follow each other. Or it could just be looking at somebody, and looking at their hands, or looking at somebody's skin texture. Let's say, going to the park with me is kind of a trip. I stop and look at stuff and touch it. Stuff, not people. But, you know, just sort of find your own things. That's the main idea - it could literally be anything. When I'm really, really, really upset, I just look at a piece of wall, and look at the way the light hits and how it diffuses, and it calms me down. To you, it might be looking at your iPod , you know?


Well, I don't have an iPod, but music is definitely one of those things for me....and I like soft, red light a lot too. Good stuff, Laura.

CARMEN

"Taking joy in life is a woman's best cosmetic."

- Rosalind Russell

Everyone is familiar with the stereotype of women and hairdressers. Your hairdresser is your sounding board, your keeper of secrets, that one person outside your social circle who listens without judgment and maybe even offers some objective advice from time to time. I've always enjoyed getting my hair done - shampooed, cut, colored, blown out, you name it. And I've always been fortunate to have excellent stylists who not only knew what they were doing with my hair, but were also very friendly and good at making enjoyable small talk. They would ask vague questions about my life, and I in turn, would answer honestly, but without too much detail. They knew about my job, how my classes were going, where I was planning to go for summer vacation, if my family was well, etc. Pretty much the surface or "acquaintance" version of me. Although we genuinely got along well and liked each other, my appointments - when it came down to it - were about appearances, and the conversation was simply an offer of good customer service to a client who they happened to like talking to. I did feel great when I left the salon, but nothing greater than a little more pep in my step and a temporary increase in confidence about the way I looked. Nothing changed about who I was at the core.

When I first met Carmen, it initially seemed like more of the same. She was extremely personable and talented, and I instinctively trusted her to make me look good. I was going through some drastic changes in my physicality due to my recovery from the anorexia, and dealing with some adverse appearance related side effects from such a prolonged period of life spent in starvation mode. I was ashamed to look in the mirror in the privacy of my own apartment, let alone talk to someone I barely knew about how I looked. Carmen didn't know this, but she did intuitively seem to know that I needed a change - and a reason to feel special and unique. From a demure, dark red bob to a super short, spiky, bright red pixie cut - Carmen was with me as my appearance continued to change and evolve. She was changing and evolving as well - different colors and lengths of hair, new contact lenses, new place of business. But somehow the more we changed, the more each of us seemed to become more secure in who we were and in our new found friendship. The polite chit chat petered out and was replaced with talk of what was really going on in each of our lives and how it made us feel. I began to look forward to my appointments, not only because of the haircuts, but because I knew I would be spending time with a friend who would listen to me - and that I would do the same for her. We were unexpectedly there to see each other through some difficult times, and have been fortunate enough to share countless laughs and tales of everyday triumphs too.

I feel like, despite my ongoing struggles regarding self-worth, Carmen was there to witness me become the real me, and I'm immensely grateful for that. She was there when I popped in one day last year and spontaneously told her I'd like to go back to more of my natural hair color. That, to me, was a big step in embracing who I really am, and I don't know that it would've happened that way if someone else had been my stylist.

I state at the beginning of our interview, that I wanted to talk to Carmen because she deals with people's appearances - their "beauty" - and how they feel about themselves, every day. But in truth, I also asked her because, to me, she is a beautiful woman and friend - and she deserves a chance to be able to say it out loud.



So, I wanted to interview you because you deal with people's appearances and...don't be nervous! When someone gets their hair done, it has an ability to make them feel good about themselves, and you're really good at what you do...


Thank you!


I mean that. And I think that comes from something more than just an eye for appearances. I think that comes from caring about how people feel about themselves. So, that's why I asked you to do this. This is a difficult question, but since we're pressed for time, I'll just jump right in.


Go ahead, baby - jump.


Okay. So this blog is called "Democracy of Beauty" because everyone has their own unique views about beauty. Off the top of your head, what does beauty mean to you?


Well, I'm doing this for almost twenty years now, and it's something I really enjoy. Over the years I got to meet so many different people, so many different characters. And what I realized by being in this profession is that sometimes beauty doesn't...you know, it's not just the way they look - the way they look when they come in or the way they look when they leave from here- but it's also from inner...to me, it's about inner beauty. And many people that do come to have their hair done, their make-up - it gives a feeling of making you feel better. But sometimes it's just a cover-up. I've realized this by doing it and seeing how people are, you know? But it is important to me, for that moment, to make them feel good about themselves, make them feel beautiful....which they are, but sometimes they don't feel it inside them. That's beauty to me. By people being with me for at least half an hour to an hour, or whatever the time will be, I get to know people. I have a little experience getting to see how people are, so in that moment I can tell if they're looking for that particular temporary outer beauty or not.

Having your loved ones around you - that's another part of beauty. I think so. It gives you happiness. That's how I feel. When I have my brother around me, my family members, I feel beautiful inside and out cause it makes me happy. Also, my little dogs! Cause I can get to care for them. I love them. And they give me so much love in return.



You do take the time to get to know your clients, and I think that lends itself to seeing inner beauty...and maybe that's why you're so good at what you do. You mentioned something about people not feeling good about themselves. You seem like someone who's outwardly confident, but as I've gotten to know you, I've noticed that you'll make little negative comments here and there...


Wait, now we're talking about me?


Yeah - so are there physical hang-ups or things that you have insecurities about?


Yes! I have so many! Just because my profession is to make people feel good about themselves - I need a lot of that myself, trust me. But even doing my hair myself, and putting make-up on, and getting dressed nice at times, I do feel a lot better about myself. But I do have a lot of insecurities. Yes, of course. Everybody does.


You answered my question before I even asked it. I was going to ask - how do you change how you feel about your insecurities? What do you do?


You know, there are so many days when I feel like - you know, I don't feel good about myself, or in my heart there are things I wasn't able to accomplish. Which, I'm trying - honest. Finishing school, let's say. To me, that's very important. But on days like that, when I have those kind of sad days, I always make sure to do something for me. Like, if I can afford it, I go and have my nails done or I do a facial, and that always makes me feel better. Or talk to a friend of mine.



What about your love for animals?


Oh, yes! Yes - not too many crazy people have 14 animals to make them feel better. But honest, I love them all.



What do you think is your most beautiful quality? It can be physical or not physical...or both.


One thing? Something that would describe me? I care. I am a very, very caring person - no matter to whom, you know. Because when you are beautiful, you do care. I feel that I'm a beautiful person.



I would agree.


I think I am. I care for people. I care for animals. I care for everybody. Sometimes I should not! But I do. Many times I get hurt from people I think are worth it to be friends with, honest. But on the other hand, it's like still I cannot change that about me - being nice and caring for people. I don't look down on people, and I don't really look up at people, you understand what I'm saying? Like to me, being able to help a homeless person, it makes me feel good about myself, that I'm able to do something for somebody. When on the other hand, some of my friends say,"Are you crazy? Why aren't they working? Why don't they get a job?". To me that's not beautiful....And about myself? Me? Today it's my hair.


I like it. Did you do that today?



Uh-huh. Takes me a long time to blow dry it, and I work with hair. Another beautiful thing about me is that I think I was able to sacrifice many things from my life to be able to be near my daughter that I love so much, to make her become who she is. And I was always there next to her. I left myself out to be able to be there for her, so to me, I think that's beautiful. I don't know how you would describe that, but...


I think you did it perfectly. Do you...I mean, you've lived here a long time...


Twenty-one years.



Yeah - you're an American and a New Yorker, but do you think that also knowing another culture has given you a better perspective on beauty, as opposed to someone who has only known the American ideal of beauty their whole life?



Yes, but in a different way. Having the chance to be in New York for as long as I've been here, I got to see - like you said - different types of beauty, when in other countries or cultures, they look at some particular thing. I don't know if I'm explaining myself. They look at people, and they look at just one or two things about people. Appearance and nothing beyond that. Here, everybody looks at everybody like it's a big - all one family, you know? At least lots of people do, I think.


There are also many people in my neighborhood, they come from Europe. I'm from Europe, right? And at the time they came here, probably they were my age. I was 21 when I came here. They've probably been in this country for longer than I am, and I look at them, and they're still with the same mentality from back then. They don't care for themselves. They've gained so much weight. They don't care about their health. So, I think it's the opposite, putting it that way.



You seem very comfortable working in this environment now, but when you started twenty years ago, in a field that focuses on people's appearances, do you think it made you more self-conscious?


Yes! It can. This particular job, being in the beauty industry, you also have to appear....people,they look at you, how you look - so they can judge you by the way you look. Appearance has a very big role in this type of business. Like with everything else. Like, you cannot be in fashion if you're like - I don't know - wearing ripped clothes or something....unless they're in style, right?


You wanna know the truth? It's also funny how other people, they look at beauty. I'm gonna give you a few examples. Let's say in the fashion industry, like a beautiful model, she gains some weight? Forget about modeling. Which to me, that's wrong. It's totally really wrong. Being in the beauty industry, doing make-up, doing hair, it is very messed up that sometimes they don't look at the qualities as a stylist, the good stylist you are. They look at your appearance. So let's say I'm losing my job now or maybe ten years from now - it doesn't matter that I have thirty years experience. They will not hire me because I'm already over a certain age. So, it is messed up. It is f#%!*ed up. I'm serious. You know, I remember one time I had green hair, and a freaking client refused me to cut his hair. Beauty appeared to him like, "What the hell is wrong with this girl?" A lot of people look at it different then I would probably look at it. They don't look at quality anymore. It has a lot to do with appearance.



It seems that way with almost anything anymore.



That goes with everything, yeah. That's messed up though.



So, in the time that I've known you, you often have a different hair color or a completely different style, and I wonder if any of that has to do with an insecurity about yourself, or if it's just a form of expression?



It's different with everybody. Not everybody that sits in my chair is here because they're insecure. And by changing your appearance, it doesn't make somebody more secure, you know? But for me, it's a way of expressing myself. It just makes me feel good. And knowing you for so long - I know you for almost 8 years now - you're not just my client. I consider you as my friend. You've seen a lot of things change on me, and I've seen things changing on you, but we always gave each other a chance to talk, and I'm really grateful that you talk to me. Now I'm gonna cry....



You're gonna make me cry too!


But you know, sometimes it depends....the moods we are in....changing the hair or changing your clothing helps. But it's not necessarily that you change it for that particular reason - because when you're hurt or you're happy, it doesn't matter what you change about your outer appearance - it will not make a difference. I don't know if I'm making it clear enough. Maybe I'll explain it better like this. My brother's going through some changes. He broke up with his wife and stuff, and for him, having a beard now - like trying to cover himself up to cover up the pain - it's not helping. So, it doesn't matter sometimes. People drink because they feel insecure, people - like I said - they change their hair. But just by changing that, it doesn't mean anything would change how they really feel about themselves.



Speaking of change -If you could change one thing about our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?


Honest? Look deeper. Look beyond the outside beauty. Instead of - let's say I just met you or you just met me. Instead of like, right away, just because I have....Like that guy, ok? He refused me to cut his hair just because I did not appear "normal" for him, because I have green color hair. If he had given me a chance, he would've seen a different side of me - that I'm a very good person and a great hair stylist. And he didn't give me the chance just because I had freakin' green hair!


Anything else you'd like to say?



Be yourself. Don't change for anybody. I think. Don't make anything change you just because of the way you look. I think that's...to me, those are the ugly people. They want you to change to be the way they want you, just because they think their way is better than yours. To me that's not right. That means appearance and a lot of other things - like even changing your personality for someone. No way. That would change the beauty of you - who you are. So, that's it.

RAINA

"I'll be your mirror - reflect what you are, in

case you don't know......"

-I'll Be Your Mirror by the Velvet Underground


It's difficult to imagine that anything can be the least bit enjoyed, or even appreciated, in the darkest moments of our lives. But for me, no matter how fleeting the feeling, music has always had the ability to bring a tear to my eye, love to my heart, and goosebumps to my arms. Even if it was a catalyst for me to give a sort of unspoken voice to the feelings I was unable to utter aloud- music was that rare escape from the seemingly inescapable, that eventually got me through . For as far back as I can remember, it has been inseparable from life itself. My mom always loved to tell the story about me (attempting) to sing along to the Oak Ridge Boys' "Elvira" from my car seat, when I was less than a year old. Music has taken my joy to unknown heights when life is treating me well, and allowed me to fully experience pain, grief, and ultimately healing, in times when it is not. So much knowledge has been gained through the beauty of song. Whether learning about the Civil War through the wonderful musical, Shenandoah, in the fifth grade, or realizing that sometimes a grown woman just needs to jump around in her underwear to some Jack White on electric guitar - music has, and continues to teach me. It also happens to be that very connection to music that sparked my friendship with Raina.

We both began working at a world famous museum here in New York at about the same time, several years ago. We must have had nearly identical schedules because every day when it came time to make my way down to the cafeteria for lunch, there was Raina, with her whimsically funky clothing and a quiet, yet curious demeanor. We never spoke. A couple years later, I switched departments and transferred to a different branch of the museum, at a completely different location. As I was led on a tour of the building on my very first day of work- lo and behold : There was Raina, working in the bookshop. We began to make small talk every now and then in the lunch line, but those encounters were few and far between. Another year or so passed, and I took a new position that had me frequently manning the admissions desk...which just so happens to be right next door to the bookshop. According to Raina, the laughter and silliness coming from that desk and echoing throughout the Main Hall were so enticing that she just couldn't resist coming out to visit and trying to get in on the fun. The more she visited, the more we got to chatting. And the more we got to chatting, the more we began to bond over our love of music. We went to a couple of concerts together, giddily shared our tales of separate concert going experiences, burned some cd's for each other, and somewhere in there, realized that we had become friends. Real friends.

Over the past year or so, we've really opened up to each other and have been there to help each other through some extremely trying times. I remember when I first began to talk with her about my past - and current- insecurities and personal struggles, Raina was shocked. To her I seemed so self-confident and self-assured. Strong and independent. Positive and happy. She never would have known about the battles going on inside if I hadn't told her. It's funny because I felt the exact same way about her. I never would've guessed that Raina had had even one insecurity in her life - or at least not in her adult life. I would normally be quick to attribute this to the fact that we both tend to be somewhat of people pleasers, who prefer sucking it up and putting on a happy face to ruffling a few feathers. But while we may do this with others from time to time, when dealing with each other, I don't believe that's the case at all. The Velvet Underground song quoted above expresses it beautifully. I believe that Raina and I have and continue to be each other's mirrors when we are blinded to the beauty within ourselves. We genuinely are self-assured, positive, and happy around each other, because that's the reflection that's bouncing back to each of us. It's like the old, "I'm rubber, you're glue." equation. All the wonderful things I see in Raina are reflected back at her when she looks at me, and vice versa. We bring out the best in each other - silliness, creativity, honesty, fun, individuality, confidence, true friendship, and love.

As I've mentioned before, my own mirror has been a bit cloudy this year, and I've often struggled to find any beauty - inward or outward - in that reflection. But when I'm able to see myself through Raina's eyes, I like what I see and am proud to be the woman I've become. In many of my darkest moments, Raina has been there, being my mirror and reflecting who I really am, until I'm strong enough to be able to see it for myself. I hope she knows that I will always be a friend, and will always be here to do the same for her. And the reflection that she sees when I do, will be absolutely beautiful.


So,the first question I want to ask you is- other than the fact that we're friends and you're interested in what I do, etc., what was it about the blog that made you want to be a part of it? I believe you came to me a while back and said that you'd like to do it.....

Yeah, I did come to you, and I remember you said that you were afraid to ask me. That's very funny. I don't know... I think it's an interesting blog that you're doing. I've always considered myself like...not your standard beauty. I always thought that....I don't know. How do I not sound...I just thought I had something to offer people that was sort of beyond just being the pretty girl. I've had so many insecurities. I still feel insecure - you've heard about them. But it's just that there's more to...I mean, there's no way to say it without cliches, but there's more to beauty than what's skin deep. I try to stay true to myself and what I think is beautiful, and I also appreciate beauty. Not everybody does. They appreciate what beauty represents, but I try to appreciate it in its myriad form. I don't know if any of that made sense.....


Totally. This isn't my interview, so I shouldn't be talking, but what you said about feeling like despite your insecurities, you knew you had something to offer -I've always gotten that from you. I've always felt you were comfortable with yourself, but I know from what you've shared with me, lately you've had more insecurities regarding your physical appearance than you had in the past. I do normally ask a question about physical hang-ups and how you're working to get over them, but I'd also be interested to know if you had any before these current issues? What was that like, and how did you get over them?

Well, what we're talking about currently is that I've been having weight issues that I don't feel great about. I realized - this is a weird thing - I realized that part of what freaks me out, especially when I see pictures of myself, is that I look like my aunt, who was always much heavier...and my father too, because that's the heavy side of the family. So, it just goes to show that your hang-ups have so nothing to do with reality. Nobody knows my aunt. Nobody thinks poorly of her. But when I have some weight in my face, I'm like, "Oh my god, I look just like them!", and I don't really get along with that side of the family, so I realized that was part of it and was like, "Alright - this is ridiculous."

Before that, I didn't have weight issues as much, although you've seen my family and my sisters. My little sister is tall and super skinny and super beautiful, and I was always convinced that I was ugly and that no one would ever love me. My teeth are really crooked, and I don't have a pretty smile. That was the main hang-up when I was younger. I broke my teeth and then I had these temporaries - it was this whole thing. My teeth have been a source of problems forever and my little sister was somehow born with beautiful, straight teeth. So, that was the main thing - my teeth. And I used to wear glasses. It sounds cheesy, but I did get a lot of confidence when I started wearing contacts. A huge part of that is because then you can wear sunglasses, and I defy you to not feel better about yourself when you're wearing sunglasses. It's like, "I'm cool. I'm wearing sunglasses." I remember being little, and all I wanted to do was wear them, and I couldn't because I had my glasses on. I had terrible glasses, and I had terrible clothes. I had bad skin for a long time too, and that was a source of angst. I didn't know what my body was and how to dress it. I had no sense of anything. In high school, there were no dates. There were no anything,cause I just didn't know! And I have crazy, curly, frizzy hair that I didn't know how to deal with. It was mostly just kind of like , I grew up and figured out how to deal with what I had. These are things that maybe a lot of people learned younger than I did. I think I just learned it later than everybody else.


I think I was pretty much in the same boat as you.

Were you? I think I told you this, but my mom never wore a bra, never tweezed her eyebrows, put make-up on -none of that stuff. So, one of my friends taught me about tweezing my eyebrows, and taught me all this girly stuff, and would buy me bras and things like that. I actually needed someone to take me by the hand and be like, " These are girly things, and this is how you do them." Some people, I think their moms do that, but not my mom. I mean, I understand why, and I would never want to push that on a daughter - but on the other hand, they're kind of things that you do have to learn. You aren't born understanding these things, and you'll feel better about yourself in the long run if you know how to make yourself feel better about yourself.


So, you talked about appreciating beauty in general...what would you say beauty is to you? How would you define it?

I think- based on our experience- it's laughter. It really is. That, I think, is my favorite thing - to make people laugh. This may sound selfish, but I love that I can always go out to the desk and tell you something, and it'll make you laugh. You have a wonderful laugh, and I'll hear it across the room...and then we'll get way giggly and silly. In my worst moments, the thing that I feared the most was that I'd lost that sense of silliness and giggliness, cause that's my favorite thing in the world. And also just people being unique. There's a humor about life and people's outlook of humor on life. I can't help but appreciate them and find them beautiful. And then, you know - David Bowie. Anything Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll and humor. I think Rock and Roll is humor, and that's maybe why I like it...cause at its heart it's sort of laughing at main stream culture and things like that.

What do you think is your most beautiful attribute? And it can physical or non-physical....or both!

Well, I said before that my favorite thing is making someone laugh, and that's what I like. So that, and physically, I've always liked my hands and my eyes. But I've grown to like my hair too. I used to hate my hair. I wanted straight, Jennifer Aniston hair, and I had crazy, curly, frizzy. And then I embraced the crazy, curly, frizzy.


What do you think made you embrace the crazy, curly, frizzy?

Because it's what I have. And I mean, I can't work a blow dryer. I can't do these girly things. I'm not gonna go and get it straightened every day. I think that's a lot of what growing older and becoming more comfortable with myself was - not fighting things. And that's with a lot of things. You can put yourself in this boat with people who don't look at all like you and don't have any of your physical characteristics, but if you sort of embrace your own physical characteristics, you'll feel a lot more confident. It took me a long time, but I started to feel better about those things.


We were talking about feeling like you might not have had the right "guidance" growing up - in terms of feeling confident about yourself. I know it's a loaded topic, but do have any thoughts about what you feel might be a healthier way to approach this with children? Any children really, but especially little girls.....

Definitely. I mean, my mom was trying to go the other way. We weren't allowed to have Barbies. She was trying to be very, "You don't have to conform yourself to this idea of beauty"....but I think there has to be a balance. I had older sisters, but they were a lot older. It was my older sister that told my mom I had to get a bra, cause I didn't want to ask. It sounds silly to say, but maybe some sort of mentoring. I think that's important. Women to take each other under their wings. I was talking about how my friend took me under her wing with that type of stuff. The worst thing to me is cattiness between women. I'm all about the solidarity, or at least I try to be. But I think that's the best way - if there's a woman that can help a younger woman. And I've thought about it a lot. If I have children, if i have girls - I hate the princess thing. It drives me crazy. I was at my friend's house - I don't even think she knows this is there. Probably someone gave it to her daughter - but there were Disney Princess books, and one of them was something like, " My Perfect Wedding". It was all about planning the perfect wedding. I was like, "In god's name, what would a three year old ...why should they care about this in any way?!" So those types of things really piss me off. I was raised with trucks and...well, I had My Little Ponies, but that's because my mom was a horse person.
I just don't think you need to raise girls with the whole princess thing. But you do need the balance. Once they hit adolescence, they're gonna need guidance because it's confusing. You're becoming a woman, you're having these wacky feelings, having things grow, and you don't know what to do with it. And my mom was kind of there for me in that, but not really. And I think adolescence is probably where most issues arise or take place.


Something that I found out about you fairly recently, is that you like to paint. Actually, you're quite good at painting. You also know more about music than just about anyone I know. I have friends who are musicians, or were music majors, or just obsessed with music their whole lives -but no one seems to be as knowledgeable about music across the board, as you are. Do you think that this affinity for beauty in creative or artistic things has allowed you to be more confident in yourself, because perhaps you see a more well rounded aspect of beauty?

That's totally true, and I don't think it's a coincidence that I work at a museum, and that I've worked there as long as I have. Art and music and creative expression have been really important. Once you really find music...I'll talk about David Bowie a lot , but I think he's a really important person cause he really expanded ideas of sexuality, what a person looks like, what a musician looks like, what a pop star looks like. Madonna has talked about how much he influenced her. I mean, he has so much confidence because he was like, " What I'm doing is really awesome.", and all you need is that confidence and then people will believe it. People who are obsessed with a shallow idea of beauty don't usually have a very extensive interest in things beyond, "Oh, that's a nice Monet painting." I don't like narrow mindedness. With music, I don't have just one genre that I'll listen to. I'll listen to anything,and I'll give it a chance. I'll say I like anything, as long as it's good. And so with art and with everything- to me, that's the only way to appreciate beauty. Just to be open to it. It's about opening the circle instead of closing the circle. It's hard not to have pre-judgements, but I try to be open to things. I mean,tonight we're going to see a white rapper from LA...why not?!


Alright, if you could change one thing about the current standard of beauty in today's society, what would it be?

There are so many things. I mean, the weight issue is probably the biggest thing. But just coming from personal feelings, I've always felt I was very weird looking because my teeth weren't perfect, and I think that's an American thing. Oh, and this pisses me off - when you read something about Kirsten Dunst, they refer to her as the snaggle tooth actress.

I've never noticed that.

I couldn't tell you what was wrong with her teeth. I think she's absolutely gorgeous. Snaggle tooth? I mean, it's the same thing - that everything has to be conformed to this very specific, very perfect idea of beauty, and it doesn't work. All it does is just screw people up. The funny thing is, as much as I've found that I don't conform to that standard, it doesn't bother people. People still like me for me. Recently, I've had the weight thing, but it hasn't affected whether or not people find me attractive or want to be around me. So, it's all just personal. You put it on yourself. Generally, when I'm myself, people respond favorably - and I just need to relax.


Any other thoughts you'd like to share?

The one thing I wanted to say is that I know you always put a little quote with your posts, and I was thinking about this - you know the Velvet Underground song "I'll Be Your Mirror"? I was thinking about that. Thinking about how I'm feeling all heavier than I've ever been, but like, everyone except for me doesn't care. If people are responding to you, then they're responding to you, and you shouldn't second guess that. I hate it when I do that about myself. We all do that about ourselves...but just sort of trust it. Listen to Lou Reed! I just felt that if I put myself out there- you know that phrase, "warts and all"- and then people respond favorably to that, I sort of know that it's real. That they really are responding favorably. That's why I believe so much in honesty and not putting up this facade. In some ways, it's freeing that I didn't feel like the pretty girl, and that I knew people had to like me for me. That gave me a weird confidence. When you know that people like you just because they like you, you feel much more comfortable around them, and you don't question things as much. I mean, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my everything on my sleeve. It's just...it's out there. And that's that.



Shortly after this interview, I received an email from my mom regarding this amazing fifth grade chorus and their teacher from PS22 in Staten Island. They had been featured on Nightline a few evenings prior, and to quote my mom, "As a teacher, I'm inspired. As a human being...I just want to be better." My mom happens to be my fifth grade teacher - the very teacher I mentioned early on in this post, who definitely solidified for me, the power music has to touch lives. After reading the article she had attached, and watching a few of their videos in utter amazement, youtube led me to this beautiful cover of what else..."I'll Be Your Mirror". Music has, and continues to teach me, indeed.....

TOM

"The thing that is really hard - and really amazing - is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."

- Anna Quindlen

As much as I despise the word "perfection", I'll admit that despite my best efforts, I seem to have -in one way or another - been in constant pursuit of this very state for the majority of my life. Growing up, I was pretty good at almost every endeavor undertaken - sometimes even really good. But I was never the best. To me, this meant failure. As I got a little older, this trend shifted more and more towards appearance related matters, and there's no question - obsession was the name of the game. It seemed the more I primped and preened to make myself "pretty", the more I felt like I would never be pretty enough. I would never look perfect, therefore I would never amount to anything. And it's pretty clear that the almost nine year battle with my eating disorder was the inevitable collision of these two fruitless quests for something that is simply an impossible feat for any human being to achieve. The better you are at it, the sicker you get. And the sicker you get, the closer you are to death. If death was the ultimate prize, then I was closer to perfection than I had ever been.

But since embarking on my journey to recovery several years ago, and discovering (and rediscovering) all the life that had been lost to me, I have gained a much healthier perspective regarding perfection. Being the best me that I can be is far more attractive to me than some unattainable physical standard that random people decided on and immediately proclaimed to be fact. But life is not always easy, and old habits die hard. One negative thought about myself leads to another, leads to another, and before I realize what's happening, there I am, back in that same old pattern in which I will never, ever be good enough. Being able to recognize beauty in so many different aspects of people and life around me does not mean that I'm immune to the pressures of today's society that - let's face it - can overwhelm even an extremely self-confident person. Intellectually, I know better - but that feeling inside takes a lot more than a few positive affirmations to make it dissipate. For me, it takes a knock-your-socks-off wake up call. And in a recent battle with negativity, that's exactly what I got, via an email from a close friend about an encounter he had with a young woman on the subway. He immediately thought of me and my blog, and I have since been trying to determine the best way to share it with all of you. I don't think it's any small coincidence that it also happens to be so relevant to the wonderful interview that you'll soon be reading.

My friend was seated on a bench at the subway platform, waiting for the train, when an attractive young woman sat down next to him. She was probably about 25 or 26, and based on her look and manner, he felt that she must have been a model. Almost immediately after sitting down, she opened her bag and took out some very rich red lipstick, which she carefully applied. Then she did a round with some foundation and concealer - searching her compact mirror for the tiniest blemish and immediately targeting it with her pad. Next she pulled out a second lip implement, this time a gloss to go over her already bright red lips - with no apparent effect. Moments later, the train arrived and they boarded. My friend took a seat, but she instead, stood in front of the closed door and proceeded to use it as a mirror while she fussed with herself - her hat, her hair, her clothing, etc. When she finally did sit down, she once again brought out the lipstick, followed by the compact. She continued to do this for about ten minutes straight, and to his eyes, she didn't look all that different from when she first sat down on the platform bench - except for that fact that her lips were perhaps a little brighter. He said that he couldn't help but see in her procedures, a nervousness - as if she feared she would overlook some imperfections, and no matter how many minutes of every hour she spent touching up, she would never look right or feel good enough. He thought perhaps she was en route to an audition or shoot, and that was why she was making such a fuss. But maybe she couldn't help it, and that thought made him sad. So as he exited the train, he passed in front of her - where her pad was still moving feverishly about her face - and said, "Look, I'm a stranger, so I hope I'm not too forward - but you look great." She smiled and thanked him as he left the car and went on his way, hoping that maybe she would put her compact away and just enjoy the train ride to wherever she was going. Maybe his candid reassurance of her beauty would help her to put things in perspective. Maybe not.

As I finished the email, I began to cry. I may not have the physicality of a model, but in many ways, I saw myself in that young woman. Yes, I've grown by leaps and bounds when it comes to accepting and appreciating myself the way I am, but that old insecurity still found a way to rear its ugly head - and it took the recognition of it in a complete stranger to get me to realize it. I'm sure that my friend's compliment regarding her appearance did reassure her and help her to relax for a bit - but for how long? An hour? Twenty minutes? Five? We can only find true reassurance and acceptance within ourselves, and that's no easy task. But the fact that I've been able to do it - even if only temporarily - is proof that it can be done and proof to me that life is definitely more rewarding when it is. This blog, and particularly these wonderful interviews, continue to help and inspire me, and it's my hope that they'll continue to do the same for you.

This latest chat with my friend, Tom, was so honest and in depth that we talked far beyond the recording capacity of the 60 minute cassette, and the tape - unbeknownst to us - came completely off the frame and was unable to be played back. Luckily, after much trial and error, another friend was able to repair the tape, so that I can share with you the part of the interview that was recorded. It's far from easy to be truly candid in discussions like these, but Tom went above and beyond the call of duty. Perhaps the plethora of super hero knowledge he's acquired from editing comics has made "going above and beyond..." par for the course. At any rate, I was and am deeply moved and inspired by his thoughts, and I hope you will be too.

I seem to recall Tom -who also happens to be writer and comedian- jokingly remark that "pretty" people don't work in comics. Well, based on this interview, there's at least one person who's definitely adding some real beauty to that medium. And I'd venture to guess that I'm not alone in that opinion.


So, other than the fact that I strongly suggested you do an interview based on our recent conversations, what was it that drew you to this project?


I'm not entirely certain what it is that drew me to this project, because my self image is something I don't make too big a deal of in conversations with people. It's something that you really wouldn't know is such a big deal to me unless I took the time to explain how it is such a big deal to me. The fact is, I'm frequently late to work with how much I kinda fuss over my appearance in the morning - not just in an egotistical way. I'm very nervous to look so bland and put so much effort into it. It's much more than you would think. And just in general, the concept of beauty in the abstract is very intriguing to me, cause it's something I keep very quiet about to myself. But it is something I think about and obsess on a lot. It's kind of interesting to see a situation where I could finally talk about it in a freer manner than I normally do.


I realize this is difficult to do on the spur of the moment, but how would you define beauty? What is beauty, to you?


It's interesting...when you get older - that's a weird thing to say when you're in your 20's - but suddenly a simple question is no longer easy to answer. I remember the first day of this art history class, sophomore year of high school - the teacher asked us all to scream for him and none of us would...we had no idea what this nutcase was asking us. But he also asked us, "How many of you like to draw?" and half the class put their hands up. He asked those of us who didn't, "What do you mean? When you were a kid, if you wanted to draw your mom and dad, you drew a circle, some sticks for arms, and that was your mom and dad!" . Now you want to come up with a really complex answer, cause you're afraid if you say, "Ooh..a sunset!" , it's a cliche'. I'd say beauty is when something is done the right way - whatever it is. Like, you see the "master" of something - whether or not they're famous - do something that they do so well, and there's something beautiful to it. If you watch a really fantastic artist draw something, it's less the act of them drawing....or you know, a really fantastic musician playing - if you look at their eyes, it's the intensity and excitement that they get doing what they do so well, because of a devotion to it. And I guess somewhere in there you could find my definition of what beauty means to me. The easy answer is "Oh, beauty is truth", but that was already written by someone a very long time ago. But reality is a very beautiful thing to me, and I guess my definition of beauty is seeing something the way it's meant to be.


Now this is a difficult question, or at least I think it will be, based on what you've shared with me. What do you consider to be your most beautiful attribute? And it doesn't have to be physical. It can be physical, not physical, or both. Whatever you feel.


You've asked that question at a very interesting time, cause the last couple weeks I've been at the all time low of my self esteem - so that's a tough call. My most beautiful attribute.....Well, physically, I really like my hair. I think it's good hair. Right now it's kinda short, it's not where I want it to be...but I come from people with very, very good hair. Hmm. I would say, probably for me, my most beautiful attribute - without getting too full of myself....


You can get full of yourself.


Good, cause I'm gonna. Okay - it's weird to me how much I care about other people, people I barely know. As I've mentioned before in conversation with you, I guess I'm a really good listener because a lot of people feel comfortable telling me things about themselves and about problems or situations they may have. And I do find myself inexplicably drawn to, if not help out, then at least listen. So few people listen to people. So few people will take the time to sit down if you have a problem. I frequently feel like I can't really talk to anyone about my problems, so I like the fact that I'm able to listen and be there for people. And I think that if more people had someone who heard them, their lives would be a lot easier. I am proud of myself, that I'm willing to recognize and do my best - without being too obnoxious - to be there for them.



Is there something in particular that you've struggled with regarding your appearance....that you've either overcome or are working on overcoming? If so, how did you do it, or what are you currently doing to change how you feel about it?


I think the answer to that is twofold. One thing that I have not overcome and am very aggravated with myself for, is that I'm not in particularly good shape. I could stand to be in a lot better shape. A lot of my friends are excited about beach season, but I am not. I do not have a particularly in shape upper body, and I intend to work on that. It doesn't help that I've got a certain amount of body hair too, but that's something that I can easily take care of with 60 bucks and a Russian woman with wax. Painful, painful wax....

For a long time I have struggled with and am aggressively working on my posture. I slouch a lot, slump a lot. I say this as I sit incredibly inappropriately on this bench. But, you know- it's nighttime, it's different. I've noticed that it does a lot for my mood and it does a lot for how people perceive me when I stand up straight. In general, I do feel better about myself when I sit upright and balanced. Something I've told no one....I am looking into ballet classes at the recommendation of my boss, who was an actor back in the olden days. Yeah, that's right. I do not carry myself as well as I should, and I'm working on it. But I tend to kind of hide in myself, and I'm trying not to.



Do you think that it has more to do with insecurities about who you are as a person that make you carry yourself that way, which maybe in turn, makes you feel less confident about yourself physically?


Absolutely. I was an incredibly shy child. I was very, very quiet. In a lot of ways I've gotten over that, but in other ways, I am still very much a quiet person. People who know me personally, would be shocked to see me at work, where I'm very serious and very quiet. Whereas when I'm out of work, I'm very loud and - not loud - but I'm very communicative. There's a lot to that sort of, do my best to not be noticed, and I'm working on that. I'd say my fashion sense had a lot to do with that for a while. For the longest time, I had as nondescript a fashion sense as you could imagine. I was like a cartoon character. T-shirt, jeans - that's it. And in the last couple years, I really kinda pushed it to....to dress a little bit more like an adult. I still tend to dress in much darker, more autumn like colors, cause it can still be kind of camouflage, but I'm gettin' there. I'm gettin' there. I am constantly in this battle of trying to get noticed, while trying not to get noticed. I'm not sure what it is. I think I'm naturally predisposed to a more introverted kind of lifestyle, but at the same time, I feel I have a lot to offer in terms of talent, drive, and care....and I don't feel like it's the right thing to stay shy. It's like " Oh, I'm over here!/ Don't worry about it." And I'd say a lot of that does have to do with the way I carry myself, in hopes that I could just kinda physically disappear.


So, if you could change one thing about our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?


What would I like to change......it does seem increasingly equated with money. I cannot figure out for the life of me, why people think that certain wealthy celebrities are beautiful. And I wish we would stop bluffing around the term. You know that woman - what's her name - Susan Boyle? The British woman who's on that show....and everyone's so shocked that she's such a good singer - like people who aren't "pretty" can't be good singers. People can't figure out, "Why is it so exciting? Why is it so exciting?". It's like well, we're all so excited because someone who's not considered pretty was successful! I just wish we would stop bullshitting it so much and stop acting like we can't figure it out. Like, " Oh, good looking people are successful - why?!". We all know why, cause we all want to be them, and we all know why we're so excited about stories like this, because it's so "shocking" that an unattractive person would be talented at something. If that's the way it's gonna be, that's too bad. A lot of talented singers are gonna have better careers in the recording studio than they are performing, and that's too bad. But if that's the way it's gonna be- fine. I just wish we'd stop acting like it was such a shock.

I do feel in general, beauty is a term loosely thrown around. You wanna say someone's good looking- fine, but so many extreme words are just thrown around in the media and attached to everything. The word "beautiful" is ascribed to every attractive or good looking actress. I mean, there are a lot of good looking actresses who I wouldn't necessarily call beautiful. I do feel there's a standard. What I'd change about that standard - I don't know. It's such an arbitrary thing, and it's such an opinion based thing, that I don't like that it's thrown around as fact, I guess. Someone may be good looking, but that doesn't make them beautiful. And at the same time, there are a lot of beautiful people who may not be stereotypically good looking. It's just like, enough papers and enough opinions are out there that have all effectively argued the fact that our culture places such a priority on physical beauty. I wish we would stop acting like we don't know what the solution is to this kind of problem. Like, "Boy- this kind of culture of glorifying people just for their physical attributes, personal wealth, and expensive clothing has somehow led to all these negative effects - but what could we possibly do to stem it? ". You know - stop. That's it. Not do what we do every day. I used to work on the CBS Early Show as a production assistant, and we'd have models on all the time. And it was weird looking at them - same with a few anchors - when they first get there in the morning. You realize that certain people are just genetically designed in a way that the camera is good to them. I mean, I can see that they're pretty, but you eliminate that camera, and they might not be held up as this epitome of beauty.

It's kind of baffling to me that after all the discussion we've had, in this age of so much information, when so many voices can be heard and so many people have a chance - we still can't get past this. We still can't man up and say, this is incredibly wrong...the way we hold - girls really more than guys. Guys too, but much more girls - to this unfair standard that is destroying their lives and destroying how they are. The answer's there. We just have to stop pretending that we don't know how to face the problem because we realize how much money there is to be made in selling stuff with pretty people. That's the one piece of good that I hope comes out of this whole Susan Boyle thing. Maybe we'll start believing, boy- you don't have to be "pretty" to sell things! But it is ridiculous to me. Everyone's just so afraid of losing money and that they can't win the fight, that no one will step up and say we should stop doing this. There are a lot of "this's" that we know how to stop doing, but don't. And in my opinion, one big one is our society's obsession with pretty people.