CARMEN

"Taking joy in life is a woman's best cosmetic."

- Rosalind Russell

Everyone is familiar with the stereotype of women and hairdressers. Your hairdresser is your sounding board, your keeper of secrets, that one person outside your social circle who listens without judgment and maybe even offers some objective advice from time to time. I've always enjoyed getting my hair done - shampooed, cut, colored, blown out, you name it. And I've always been fortunate to have excellent stylists who not only knew what they were doing with my hair, but were also very friendly and good at making enjoyable small talk. They would ask vague questions about my life, and I in turn, would answer honestly, but without too much detail. They knew about my job, how my classes were going, where I was planning to go for summer vacation, if my family was well, etc. Pretty much the surface or "acquaintance" version of me. Although we genuinely got along well and liked each other, my appointments - when it came down to it - were about appearances, and the conversation was simply an offer of good customer service to a client who they happened to like talking to. I did feel great when I left the salon, but nothing greater than a little more pep in my step and a temporary increase in confidence about the way I looked. Nothing changed about who I was at the core.

When I first met Carmen, it initially seemed like more of the same. She was extremely personable and talented, and I instinctively trusted her to make me look good. I was going through some drastic changes in my physicality due to my recovery from the anorexia, and dealing with some adverse appearance related side effects from such a prolonged period of life spent in starvation mode. I was ashamed to look in the mirror in the privacy of my own apartment, let alone talk to someone I barely knew about how I looked. Carmen didn't know this, but she did intuitively seem to know that I needed a change - and a reason to feel special and unique. From a demure, dark red bob to a super short, spiky, bright red pixie cut - Carmen was with me as my appearance continued to change and evolve. She was changing and evolving as well - different colors and lengths of hair, new contact lenses, new place of business. But somehow the more we changed, the more each of us seemed to become more secure in who we were and in our new found friendship. The polite chit chat petered out and was replaced with talk of what was really going on in each of our lives and how it made us feel. I began to look forward to my appointments, not only because of the haircuts, but because I knew I would be spending time with a friend who would listen to me - and that I would do the same for her. We were unexpectedly there to see each other through some difficult times, and have been fortunate enough to share countless laughs and tales of everyday triumphs too.

I feel like, despite my ongoing struggles regarding self-worth, Carmen was there to witness me become the real me, and I'm immensely grateful for that. She was there when I popped in one day last year and spontaneously told her I'd like to go back to more of my natural hair color. That, to me, was a big step in embracing who I really am, and I don't know that it would've happened that way if someone else had been my stylist.

I state at the beginning of our interview, that I wanted to talk to Carmen because she deals with people's appearances - their "beauty" - and how they feel about themselves, every day. But in truth, I also asked her because, to me, she is a beautiful woman and friend - and she deserves a chance to be able to say it out loud.



So, I wanted to interview you because you deal with people's appearances and...don't be nervous! When someone gets their hair done, it has an ability to make them feel good about themselves, and you're really good at what you do...


Thank you!


I mean that. And I think that comes from something more than just an eye for appearances. I think that comes from caring about how people feel about themselves. So, that's why I asked you to do this. This is a difficult question, but since we're pressed for time, I'll just jump right in.


Go ahead, baby - jump.


Okay. So this blog is called "Democracy of Beauty" because everyone has their own unique views about beauty. Off the top of your head, what does beauty mean to you?


Well, I'm doing this for almost twenty years now, and it's something I really enjoy. Over the years I got to meet so many different people, so many different characters. And what I realized by being in this profession is that sometimes beauty doesn't...you know, it's not just the way they look - the way they look when they come in or the way they look when they leave from here- but it's also from inner...to me, it's about inner beauty. And many people that do come to have their hair done, their make-up - it gives a feeling of making you feel better. But sometimes it's just a cover-up. I've realized this by doing it and seeing how people are, you know? But it is important to me, for that moment, to make them feel good about themselves, make them feel beautiful....which they are, but sometimes they don't feel it inside them. That's beauty to me. By people being with me for at least half an hour to an hour, or whatever the time will be, I get to know people. I have a little experience getting to see how people are, so in that moment I can tell if they're looking for that particular temporary outer beauty or not.

Having your loved ones around you - that's another part of beauty. I think so. It gives you happiness. That's how I feel. When I have my brother around me, my family members, I feel beautiful inside and out cause it makes me happy. Also, my little dogs! Cause I can get to care for them. I love them. And they give me so much love in return.



You do take the time to get to know your clients, and I think that lends itself to seeing inner beauty...and maybe that's why you're so good at what you do. You mentioned something about people not feeling good about themselves. You seem like someone who's outwardly confident, but as I've gotten to know you, I've noticed that you'll make little negative comments here and there...


Wait, now we're talking about me?


Yeah - so are there physical hang-ups or things that you have insecurities about?


Yes! I have so many! Just because my profession is to make people feel good about themselves - I need a lot of that myself, trust me. But even doing my hair myself, and putting make-up on, and getting dressed nice at times, I do feel a lot better about myself. But I do have a lot of insecurities. Yes, of course. Everybody does.


You answered my question before I even asked it. I was going to ask - how do you change how you feel about your insecurities? What do you do?


You know, there are so many days when I feel like - you know, I don't feel good about myself, or in my heart there are things I wasn't able to accomplish. Which, I'm trying - honest. Finishing school, let's say. To me, that's very important. But on days like that, when I have those kind of sad days, I always make sure to do something for me. Like, if I can afford it, I go and have my nails done or I do a facial, and that always makes me feel better. Or talk to a friend of mine.



What about your love for animals?


Oh, yes! Yes - not too many crazy people have 14 animals to make them feel better. But honest, I love them all.



What do you think is your most beautiful quality? It can be physical or not physical...or both.


One thing? Something that would describe me? I care. I am a very, very caring person - no matter to whom, you know. Because when you are beautiful, you do care. I feel that I'm a beautiful person.



I would agree.


I think I am. I care for people. I care for animals. I care for everybody. Sometimes I should not! But I do. Many times I get hurt from people I think are worth it to be friends with, honest. But on the other hand, it's like still I cannot change that about me - being nice and caring for people. I don't look down on people, and I don't really look up at people, you understand what I'm saying? Like to me, being able to help a homeless person, it makes me feel good about myself, that I'm able to do something for somebody. When on the other hand, some of my friends say,"Are you crazy? Why aren't they working? Why don't they get a job?". To me that's not beautiful....And about myself? Me? Today it's my hair.


I like it. Did you do that today?



Uh-huh. Takes me a long time to blow dry it, and I work with hair. Another beautiful thing about me is that I think I was able to sacrifice many things from my life to be able to be near my daughter that I love so much, to make her become who she is. And I was always there next to her. I left myself out to be able to be there for her, so to me, I think that's beautiful. I don't know how you would describe that, but...


I think you did it perfectly. Do you...I mean, you've lived here a long time...


Twenty-one years.



Yeah - you're an American and a New Yorker, but do you think that also knowing another culture has given you a better perspective on beauty, as opposed to someone who has only known the American ideal of beauty their whole life?



Yes, but in a different way. Having the chance to be in New York for as long as I've been here, I got to see - like you said - different types of beauty, when in other countries or cultures, they look at some particular thing. I don't know if I'm explaining myself. They look at people, and they look at just one or two things about people. Appearance and nothing beyond that. Here, everybody looks at everybody like it's a big - all one family, you know? At least lots of people do, I think.


There are also many people in my neighborhood, they come from Europe. I'm from Europe, right? And at the time they came here, probably they were my age. I was 21 when I came here. They've probably been in this country for longer than I am, and I look at them, and they're still with the same mentality from back then. They don't care for themselves. They've gained so much weight. They don't care about their health. So, I think it's the opposite, putting it that way.



You seem very comfortable working in this environment now, but when you started twenty years ago, in a field that focuses on people's appearances, do you think it made you more self-conscious?


Yes! It can. This particular job, being in the beauty industry, you also have to appear....people,they look at you, how you look - so they can judge you by the way you look. Appearance has a very big role in this type of business. Like with everything else. Like, you cannot be in fashion if you're like - I don't know - wearing ripped clothes or something....unless they're in style, right?


You wanna know the truth? It's also funny how other people, they look at beauty. I'm gonna give you a few examples. Let's say in the fashion industry, like a beautiful model, she gains some weight? Forget about modeling. Which to me, that's wrong. It's totally really wrong. Being in the beauty industry, doing make-up, doing hair, it is very messed up that sometimes they don't look at the qualities as a stylist, the good stylist you are. They look at your appearance. So let's say I'm losing my job now or maybe ten years from now - it doesn't matter that I have thirty years experience. They will not hire me because I'm already over a certain age. So, it is messed up. It is f#%!*ed up. I'm serious. You know, I remember one time I had green hair, and a freaking client refused me to cut his hair. Beauty appeared to him like, "What the hell is wrong with this girl?" A lot of people look at it different then I would probably look at it. They don't look at quality anymore. It has a lot to do with appearance.



It seems that way with almost anything anymore.



That goes with everything, yeah. That's messed up though.



So, in the time that I've known you, you often have a different hair color or a completely different style, and I wonder if any of that has to do with an insecurity about yourself, or if it's just a form of expression?



It's different with everybody. Not everybody that sits in my chair is here because they're insecure. And by changing your appearance, it doesn't make somebody more secure, you know? But for me, it's a way of expressing myself. It just makes me feel good. And knowing you for so long - I know you for almost 8 years now - you're not just my client. I consider you as my friend. You've seen a lot of things change on me, and I've seen things changing on you, but we always gave each other a chance to talk, and I'm really grateful that you talk to me. Now I'm gonna cry....



You're gonna make me cry too!


But you know, sometimes it depends....the moods we are in....changing the hair or changing your clothing helps. But it's not necessarily that you change it for that particular reason - because when you're hurt or you're happy, it doesn't matter what you change about your outer appearance - it will not make a difference. I don't know if I'm making it clear enough. Maybe I'll explain it better like this. My brother's going through some changes. He broke up with his wife and stuff, and for him, having a beard now - like trying to cover himself up to cover up the pain - it's not helping. So, it doesn't matter sometimes. People drink because they feel insecure, people - like I said - they change their hair. But just by changing that, it doesn't mean anything would change how they really feel about themselves.



Speaking of change -If you could change one thing about our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?


Honest? Look deeper. Look beyond the outside beauty. Instead of - let's say I just met you or you just met me. Instead of like, right away, just because I have....Like that guy, ok? He refused me to cut his hair just because I did not appear "normal" for him, because I have green color hair. If he had given me a chance, he would've seen a different side of me - that I'm a very good person and a great hair stylist. And he didn't give me the chance just because I had freakin' green hair!


Anything else you'd like to say?



Be yourself. Don't change for anybody. I think. Don't make anything change you just because of the way you look. I think that's...to me, those are the ugly people. They want you to change to be the way they want you, just because they think their way is better than yours. To me that's not right. That means appearance and a lot of other things - like even changing your personality for someone. No way. That would change the beauty of you - who you are. So, that's it.