I'M STILL HERE

  
                                 "Good times and bum times, I've seen them all....
                                  And, my dear, I'm still here." - Stephen Sondheim

 So….it has been quite some time since I’ve updated this blog. Quite some time meaning well over a year. In a blogosphere where everyone and their brother seems to abandon their “fantastic” new blogging concept in what often seems like the same hour in which they began, I automatically assumed that my small band of faithful post followers would have long since stopped visiting mine. I was also assuming of course, that they were assuming that I was following suit when it comes to the limited staying power of non-commercial blogs written by your average so and so with something to say. But this is where I failed to remember a valuable lesson I now so distinctly recall a particularly memorable junior high school teacher repeatedly drumming into our classroom filled with ever impressionable thirteen year old minds : When we assume, it makes an a** out of you and me. I don’t know that my assumptions would technically qualify for such a title in this particular instance – though I will be the first to admit there have certainly been numerous occasions in my life when they have, for sure – but I can say definitively, that my assumptions here were flat out wrong. I’m really glad they were. I knew deep down that I never truly lost my desire to write, no matter how far off actually doing it seemed due to the ever increasingly difficult circumstances of my health - and whole life - for the majority of 2010 and into the first few months of this year. But the idea of blogging at all, especially the thought of revisiting this blog, never even crossed my mind as a possibility. Enter that small, loyal band of followers who I wrongly assumed had removed the mental association of “blog” when thinking of their friend Sara. In the course of a few short weeks, I received four completely random and unrelated kudos humbled by sincere thank you’s, simply for writing what I had written and continuing to inspire them. Things that I wrote in 2008 and 2009? Actively inspiring them? They were still seeking out my writing after all this time? It’s worth mentioning  that each of these accolades “arrived” at a precise moment when the mere idea of any truly good possibility involving my life and my future seemed like a lost cause, or at its best what football aficionados would call a "Hail Mary". But my friends’ wonderfully ironic timing couldn't be ignored. It got me thinking, and the itch to blog was reborn. I admittedly stifled that itch for a good while. Partially because it simply wasn't feasible just yet, but mostly – if I’m honest – due to fear. Fear of what, I’m not exactly sure, but I felt it, and I felt it fighting that longing to tap on those laptop keys, tooth and nail. Then came the icing on the omen cake ; a newer friend, by comparison to the others, had stumbled upon my blog and subsequently offered some of the most heartfelt and meaningful feedback I have ever received with regard to this project. This friend knew nothing of my past struggles and had no ulterior motive in complimenting my writing and my point of view. It was nothing more than the simple expression of honesty, and yet I could never find adequate words to explain how that honesty affected me. I could no longer fight it ; I was going to write again, blog again, express myself again….and for the first time in a very long time, I was truly hopeful and truly excited.

I'm not quite sure what my game plan is for Democracy of Beauty revisited, but that’s a big part of my excitement. The possibilities, the beauty, if you will, of creativity. I can, however, promise that the positive objective of learning to embrace true beauty, in every facet of life, and most importantly in oneself, has not and will not change. And whatever I feel inspired to post, I promise I’ll do my best to “pleasurably exalt the mind and spirit.”

As I briefly mentioned early on in the post, I have been struggling with some pretty debilitating health issues for quite some time , and because of the powerful impact that’s had on me emotionally, I’ve found my desire for privacy to be far greater than it has in the past. That said, I want to clearly state that though I’m not yet sure how much I’ll be sharing about what I’ve been through health wise, I can ease anyone’s fear of a relapse into Anorexia or any eating disorder behavior. I say that, not out of some need to “defend”, but because so many of my posts had been devoted to my recovery and my deep desire to help others who suffer in that regard, to do whatever I can to lessen the pull of such illnesses when faced with true self-worth and self-confidence.  And since I have remained recovered and fought so hard to maintain my health in every way, despite so many circumstances beyond my control, I want to be clear that I will continue to do just that. Nothing less.

I look forward to sharing my rediscovery of health, of life, of beauty, with all of you. In fact, I can’t wait. Until next time….