"It's also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that's sitting here right now...with its aches and its pleasures...is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive" - Pema Chodron
When I initially sent around an email to some female friends of mine, letting them know about this particular blogging idea and inquiring about their personal preferences for breaking it down in their underwear, the very first response I received was a from a good friend of mine who lives overseas. She replied very politely, always encouraging despite obvious wondering what in world I had up my sleeve, stating, “It's great that you are writing though I'm not sure how it connects to undies... I'm sure you will fill me in.” Hopefully this blog entry will suffice.
Anyone who knows me can affirm that music has always been a vital part of my life. As much as I love many different media of creativity, music has always spoken to something inside of me that could never be put into words. Nothing makes me feel the way that music does. Sensitive soul that I am, it’s because of this that it has been and always will be one of the great loves of my life. I have been jumping and dancing around to music with wild abandon for as long as I can remember. Whether producing a full length musical with a cast of Cabbage Patch Kids in my bedroom – sets, props, standing ovation, all products of my imagination –or flailing about, grinning ear to ear on neighborhood porches or in friends’ playrooms until near exhaustion, few things were ever as enjoyable to me as letting go and letting that music move me. As I got older and eventually engrossed in my eating disorder as a teenager, my love for music was one of the only joys that remained intact. But while I could listen and feel with the best of them, my days of letting go and letting my body move were as distant as they could be.
Fast forward several years to my blossoming life as a new-ish resident of the Big Apple. Though recovered enough to properly nourish and care for my body in a physical sense, I was a far cry from having an even remotely positive thought about my physique unless it was hidden - masked by carefully selected clothing that would perfectly camouflage every single flaw it possessed. I was able to enjoy moving about to my favorite tunes from time to time, but it was never with the freedom of days past, always with a self-consciousness that could easily win a world title if there was a competition for such an awful feeling. Even the slightest glimpse of my body when getting out of the shower or changing my clothes caused me to cringe at that point. You can imagine that the idea of dancing in next to nothing was not something at the top of my to do list. That is until I came across a random article in a fitness magazine I had purchased for a quick yoga workout supposedly inside. This in and of itself was a rarity for me, as I often find such magazines geared towards women’s bodies to be triggering regarding thoughts of my self worth, and particularly body image. Nonetheless, something drew me to that magazine, and since I had spent my hard earned four dollars or so to purchase it, I figured I might as well give it a once over and see if there were any articles worth reading. While scanning the table of contents, one almost immediately jumped out at me, promising sure fire (and fun) ways to boost your body confidence in a matter of minutes. Of course, I assumed this claim would prove to be greatly exaggerated, but thought it still couldn’t hurt to give it a quick read.
At the mere thought of underwear dancing, a crystal clear mental image of the brightly colored, wonderfully creative graphics accompanying that article still pops into my mind’s eye, in which a stylish, funky, unique, and ultimately super confident young woman was having a grand time at some sort of semi-formal fete. Yes, it was only a sketched illustration, but her confidence was impossible to ignore. I wanted to find out how to put myself in her shoes, and so I began to read. I believe there were several steps or tips of things to do or tell yourself to boost your self image, but the only one that stuck with me was stripping down and dancing – as in all out, no holds barred dancing in nothing but a bra and panties, particularly before a social event or a date or really any situation that would be made better by self confidence at its maximum. I’m honestly not sure what it was about this idea at that particular point in time that compelled me to drop everything and give it a try. I know that I had some sort of social activity going on that evening, though I can’t recall exactly what it was, and I distinctly remember thinking about a few choice individuals and wanting to show them with everything in me, what Sara was truly made of when I embraced it. And so, I danced. Not completely in my underwear – a bra and some capri pants, I believe- but still a decidedly bold move for someone who struggled with the slightest glimpse of her body if it wasn’t covered up…and one that left me feeling phenomenal. In those few minutes, I realized that it was impossible to be actively obsessing about my bodily imperfections when I was giving everything in me over to the music. I was able to let it go for those few moments in time, and because of that, when I caught a glimpse of those parts of my body that were exposed post dance, they no longer looked as bad as I thought they did. I felt surprisingly confident in that realization, and I’m certain it showed to those socializing with me that evening.
From that evening on, letting my inhibitions go and getting my groove on in little clothing became a regular and necessary part of my life. That’s one of the reasons this time last year was so difficult for me; I was too weak to let my troubles out through dance because of what my body was going through. I can’t tell you how many times I listened to my favorite dancing songs and imagined as hard as I could, how I would bounce around with all the energy in the world if I could. I hated my body more with every day because of its seeming refusal to function properly and look healthy, making my chances of ever feeling well enough to jump around and feel good about my it seem next to nil. And that’s why this topic is so important to me; I can dance again and it feels better than ever.
I’ll let you in on a little secret about all this underwear dancing I have done in my adult life: For the longest time I rarely felt comfortable enough in my own skin to dance in only underwear. It was always a bra and some sort of pants or leggings. I could make the excuse that I was simply more comfortable with pants on, but I want to be honest. It seems silly when the only one who would see me or know would be me, but that’s what hating your body, and sometimes even hating yourself can do to a person. I’m not entirely sure what the deciding factor was, but that all changed the first night I was officially staying in my new apartment, in my new hometown, with what often feels like a whole new lease on life. I had stayed overnight in my place a couple nights the week before, but this was the first night that I was officially “home”. I was walking around my furniture less living room, iTunes providing some pleasant background music when it just hit me. I was in my space –just me – and I was alive. I promptly checked all the blinds, stripped down to my bra and underwear (yes – just my panties!), picked an awesome tune, cranked up the volume and danced like a crazy woman. As the young folk like to say, it was epic. I hope you’ll find some time to do some crazy dancing of your own until next time. In that spirit, here’s the song I chose that night. Epic indeed.
