Tuesday, December 16, 2008

CHILDREN WILL LISTEN


"Careful the things you say,children will listen."


-Stephen Sondheim


Given that the holiday season is upon us, most of those who have signed on to be featured in upcoming posts have a bit too much on their plates to devote the proper time to answering such difficult questions right now. Instead of letting the blog fall to the wayside until the new year,I decided this would be a good opportunity for me to try my hand at writing another post of my own. Choosing my topic,however, proved to be a more difficult decision. After several subway and coffee shop brainstorming sessions, I had many interesting ideas,but nothing that felt quite right. That is, nothing that felt quite right until synchronicity stepped in. I was entering my usual subway route last week, scurrying through an endless sea of commuters and scanning my chosen car for an empty seat. I was a bit flustered, running from one obligation to the next, and once I was seated,completely ready to lose myself in my music and thoughts of the moment. It should have taken a lot to get my attention, but it didn't. All it took was a little girl of about 7 or 8, standing above me. She not only captured my attention,but inspired this post in the process.

I'm sure it was her shining,torso length, golden hair that initially caught my eye,but it was that unmistakable look--the look of the school Christmas pageant circa first or second grade--that held my gaze. The long,puffy hem of her dress peeking out from under her coat, the white tights, the little black shoes, and most importantly, the hair. On special occasions like this, the dress is nothing without the hairdo. I could see that this particular young lady had naturally fine, straight hair, which her mother had obviously gone to great lengths to form into perfect ringlets, forming a cascade of curls that flowed down her pint-sized back. To me, she was the poster child of the school Christmas program. The epitome of sugar and spice and everything nice. I'm sure I was smiling as I was reminded of days past, when I myself wasn't so far from this very image. I was just about to resume my thoughtful music listening when I became distracted yet again. This time it was the shrill voices of two college aged young women, engaging in an apparently, very exciting conversation. My first instinct was to reach for the volume dial,but I stopped short when I realized they were discussing their appearances. Both because of this blog and because I've struggled with appearance issues myself, I started to half listen. This half listening turned to whole listening when I noticed the little girl's eyes lock in on this very same conversation. It dabbled a little bit in clothing, a little in accessories, and then reached a noticeable focal point with the topic of hair. As the color and texture comparison between the two friends began, I noticed the young girl lean into the subway pole to get a better view. A few times, she picked up a handful of ringlets and studied their color as if to compare notes, then returned all attention to the conversation, eager to hear what would be discussed next. When the shift was made to the matter of curly vs. straight, it was clear that the stakes had been raised.

In all honesty, I was so fascinated by what I was seeing that I don't remember the exact details of what was said from this point on. One point that was made very clear, however, was the consensus that straight hair was preferable. At the first mention of this statement, I watched the little girl's fingers slowly make their way to her hair. As the friends continued to chat, her eyes widened and began to bounce back and forth,as if she was watching the final match of the US Open rather than a discussion on the subway. Slowly, her fingers began to move from the top of her head to the end of each ringlet, discreetly combing through the curls. With each response, they became deeper and deeper entwined in her hair, until it became obvious that she was indeed trying to straighten it. I was astounded. My eyes made their way to the mother, who had finally noticed what was going on, but gave no reaction whatsoever. When the straightening motion reached an almost unbearable level of intensity, the little girl abruptly turned to her mother and pleaded, " Mommy, I want to straighten my hair!" The mother's only response was a rather curt, "We will,but I want Daddy to see it first." I was flabbergasted. This seemingly happy, bubbly little girl, who had paid absolutely no attention to the state of her hair upon entering the train, was now miserable and embarrassed by her curly hair, simply because she overheard a ten minute conversation between two random strangers. As I rose from my seat to exit the train, I felt this overwhelming urge to lean down and tell her that her hair looked beautiful. But feeling that I would be overstepping my boundaries and possibly complicating matters even further, I chose to mind my own business and silently left the car.

I know that this sort of thing happens all the time. Part of being a child is wanting to emulate what we see as "good" in those around us, especially grown-ups. I remember quite vividly, being about 7 or 8 years old, and forcing myself to swallow a mouthful of an Almond Joy candy bar, simply because my dad was eating one too. But this particular circumstance seemed different to me. I can't help but wonder if that little girl will be in constant need of approval, altering her appearance to fit each new trend or popular opinion, and feeling ugly, ashamed, even worthless, if she doesn't get it. Or will she simply be someone who grows to learn who she is, becoming confident and comfortable in her appearance, regardless of whether her hair is long or short, blond or brown, curly or straight. Am I overreacting? Am I merely too sensitive to issues like this? Perhaps. I'm sure that very thought is running through a few minds right now. But I definitely feel this is something worth noting. Those two young women were only doing what young women do, but this is a blatant example of why it's important to consider the possible weight of your words, especially when children are near. As my parents were so fond of saying, "Mouseketeers have big ears".

The deeper I dove into my own battle with anorexia, the more apparent it became to me and those who love me, that at the core this really had nothing to do with weight or vanity. Something much, much deeper was manifesting itself in my outward appearance. But it was my initial desire to change my appearance to look like the "other girls" that led me to diet...which led to my anorexia...which almost killed me. It's not a coincidence that I've chosen to write on my birthday. This January, it will be 10 years since the doctors informed my parents that I would probably die within two weeks. That's 9 birthdays and counting. For those of you who don't believe in miracles, well, call it what you want, but if you've met me you've seen one in the flesh. This year more than ever, I've become increasingly aware of the beauty of family, of true friends, of life, and of love. I never dreamed that it would be even remotely possible for me to know life in this way. And yet for my one tale of triumph, how many are out there who will never know that beauty, not even for a moment? I shudder to think of what so many are suffering this very moment. I'm thankful for having gone through what I did, so that I am able to do exactly what I'm doing...hopefully making a difference. But that's not to say there isn't a part of me that wishes I could go back and have a little talk with the Sara you see above. If I was feeling the pressures of certain standards of beauty when I was growing up, I can't even imagine what it must be like for today's children. If we,as adults, feel bombarded with sensationalized images of perfection, think of how daunting it must be for a young child who hasn't even begun to think about who they are as a person.

Unfortunately, I don't have an eye opening, definitive statement on how to solve this problem. I'm certainly no expert in child psychology. But I have been doing some networking, getting in touch with like minded and like hearted individuals who are concerned about the same issue, and hopefully some new, innovative, and ultimately more effective courses of action can be set in motion. Until then, I don't know. We're only human. We're always going to say the wrong thing, at the wrong time, in the presence of the wrong person...possibly a child. We certainly can't be held accountable for how each and every person will interpret what we say and do, or how it might affect them. But I don't think it's too much to ask that we try to acknowledge that there may be someone watching, listening, learning. Perhaps that simple acknowledgment will spark us to be more accepting and less judgmental towards our own perceived flaws. And maybe through that example of learning to be okay with the reflection we see in the mirror, maybe the next little girl will want to keep her curls a little while longer....just to show her daddy how much she likes them.

Monday, December 1, 2008

KATIE

"Beauty...when you look into a woman's eyes and see what is in her soul."
-Nate Dircks

The moment I decided to give this blog a try,there was no question about who I would feature in my first post. It was actually Katie who inspired the idea for this site in the first place. I was looking through some photos I had taken over the summer,when I came across one of Katie waiting for some friends outside a restaurant. She was deep in thought and had no idea that I was snapping away. As I looked at this photo, I studied her expression, her eyes, wondered what she was thinking,and found myself moved by her beauty. Katie happens to be one of my dearest friends,and it's because of this that I'm aware of her daily struggles with body image and overall appearance. Looking at her photo,I couldn't help but wish that she could see what I was seeing.Why is this? Why are truly beautiful people believing they are ugly and worthless? What if I could open up a discussion about this very topic? Would it change anything? I thought it was worth a try,and I knew Katie would be game. There are very few people more honest and willing to speak their mind....but this proved to be a bigger challenge than either of us expected.

Below are four very loaded questions regarding beauty,each followed by Katie's response. There are no right or wrong answers. I simply asked that she be honest. It's not an easy task to expose one's insecurities and vulnerabilities,but she did it. And for the record, I'm proud of her.


What is beauty?


Beauty is...is...is....I can't even answer this question. I feel like a jerk because when I hear the word 'beautiful', an image of some thin, amazingly appealing, no flab, perfect person comes to my mind. Let's say, for instance, Keira Knightley or Angelina Jolie or Scarlett Johansson....or someone who is exotic, or has sharp features and 'perfect' everything. Now I feel like a fraud or shallow because I know that is not the real meaning of beauty,especially when I think of some of the friends in my life or when looking at my niece. My friends are very real women,full of confidence,zest,and life. They walk tall in their ownership of everything they are. I think to myself, "Why is it that they seem so happy and confident?" . They are comfortable and embrace who they are, flaws (if you can even call them that) and all!
Beauty is something that seems so visual and so "looks" driven,but if you take the time to think about it, it's more about your own acceptance of who you are that creates an energy inside you that shows on the outside. I guess maybe beauty does have more to do with who you are than what you look like. I think it's actually more like lust when it's only a physical thing. An object of desire that holds your physical attention...but shouldn't beauty have more to do with the soul than the eye?




What is your most beautiful attribute and why? (this can be physically speaking or otherwise...it depends on how you read it!)




Physically speaking, I like my eyes. I feel the eyes reflect a person's inner beauty. I have an ocean of kindness inside me, a desire to help others at any cost. I would sacrifice and do almost anything for someone who needed it. This is very true for my family and friends,but I also have the desire to help those I don't even know. If I could do anything I wanted in the world, it would be to go around and help people--cook for them,read to them, keep them company, and give them hugs, and most importantly, love. I would show them that they do have things to be thankful for,and would be a blessing to them and enrich their lives.




Name one body image hang-up that you've overcome or are working on overcoming. Tell us how you did it or what you're doing to change how you feel about it.


To be totally honest, right now, I HATE my body. I think my hips are too big and that my booty is too. Yeah,that can be an okay thing, but not when you grew up in a very small town in middle America,where every girl was a thin, no curves kind of person. I don't feel that I have any flare to add to these curves,and I can never find jeans that fit. It makes me feel very upset a lot of the time. It's often a battle leaving my house because I just don't feel okay in my body. I know that people assume that it wouldn't be a problem if I didn't eat the way I do, but I have gone to great lengths, some extreme and even unhealthy, to change my body, and still had no drastic change in my appearance.

I have recently read some books on how to have a better body image and how to love my body regardless of its flaws. It's a challenge at best, and I have some days that are better than others. The book that has helped me the most so far is "The Four Day Win" by Martha Beck. She talks about joining a team with your body. If you constantly tell yourself that you look fat and you'll never look any better, it creates more and more feelings of sadness and hate. This can lead us to negative behaviors with food because we feel bad and do not respect our bodies enough to feed them the right things on a consistent basis. If we practice,and I repeat PRACTICE, saying positive things about our bodies, it creates a new level of respect. For example, " I love my legs because I can run 3 miles in thirty minutes,and without them I would not be able to do this. I love and appreciate my body because it holds my inner self...me."

I have to fake truly believing this right now, but it has been helping. It also helps to talk to others. It's surprising that people I thought had no issues, also have something they don't like. Everyone has something they wish they could change. Being kind to yourself is key. I am working on being patient and understanding with how my body works instead of giving up when I don't see any results. Also,don't deny yourself enjoyment because of a negative body image. Sometimes I won't want to go to a party because I feel I look bad, but if I force myself to go anyway, I end up having a great time with my friends and ultimately feel better.




If you could change one thing about the current standards of beauty in our society,what would it be?



I will answer with a quote from " The Witch of Portobello" by Paulo Coelho....

" We have survived for all these millenia because we have been able to eat. And now that seems to have become a curse. Why/what is it that makes us, at forty, want to have the same body we had when we were young? Is it possible to stop
time? Of course not! And why should we be thin? We don't need to be thin. We buy books, go to gyms, expend a lot of brainpower on trying to hold back time, when we should be celebrating the miracle of being here in this world. Instead of thinking how to live better,we're obsessed with weight. Forget about all that!
.....Eat in moderation, but take pleasure in eating. It isn't what enters a persons mouth that is evil,but what leaves it. Whose idea was it that we had to be thin? I'll tell you-vampires of the soul, those who are so afraid of the future that they think it's possible to stop the wheel of time. Use the energy you put into dieting to nourish yourself with spiritual bread.......Instead of artificially burning those calories, try to transform that energy into what's required to fight for your
dreams."

I think that our society puts entirely too much focus on the outside appearance of things. Look this way, buy this car, be this person, and life will be better. I think if we really look at our inner selves, we will find the right things to fill us up and realize that we need not focus so much on what everyone looks like.






BEAUTIFUL?


New York is an amazing city. The lights,the culture,the buildings,the city that never sleeps. Over 8 million people speaking nearly 170 languages, all living together on one little island and its surrounding boroughs. And of course,many of the most beautiful people in the world. "The most beautiful people in the world"...that's quite a bold statement. But if you've ever visited New York,odds are you've heard that phrase uttered more than once. If the basis for this conclusion is the current standard of beauty set by our society, I don't have much of an argument. A thirty minute commute on the subway is all you need to back up this claim. Legs that go on for miles on your left side, and the six-pack abs and perfect biceps of the gentleman to your right. The most flawless complexions this side of air brushing,perfect smiles,the shiniest hair you've ever seen,sparkling eyes, all outfitted with the finest clothing and accessories that money can buy. Yes,we've certainly got that covered here in the Big Apple. But where does that leave the rest of us? Unfortunately,whether talking to your close friends or perusing the latest eating disorder and body image statistics,the general consensus is that it leaves us feeling disgusting,repulsive,and worthless. Some examples....

- 67% of women withdraw from life-engaging activities like giving
an opinion, going to school, or going to the doctor because they
feel bad about their looks.

- According to ANAD, an estimated 1 million American men suffer
from an eating disorder.

- 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of becoming fat.

- Officials in Fiji reported a sudden increase in anorexia & bulimia
with the arrival of televisions in their communities.

I would be lying if I refused to acknowledge the validity of this idealized perception of beauty.These people are striking. Physically ideal. They are pleasing to the senses in many ways...but when I look at the remainder of the definition of "beauty", letting it settle in my mind for a bit,I realize that,for me, this is not necessarily the beauty that exalts my mind and spirit. I am exalted by the love in the eyes of a mother as she cares for her child,despite having less than two hours of sleep. My spirit soars when I receive a hug from someone who means it. I see immense beauty in someone whose laugh is genuine.... in a man with an honest opinion....in the young woman who has endured more than any human being should ever have to suffer,but still--imperfections,battle scars,bad hair day and all--wakes up each day and lives her life to the fullest,enjoying each moment as it comes,knowing that she is special and worth something. There is so much beauty surrounding us each and every day,but many of us are so blinded by that elusive image of perfection that we fail to notice it,time and time again.

Everyone is different,and everyone is entitled to their opinion. My intention is not to disregard anyone's personal idea of beauty. I simply wish to open up discussions about beauty that will (hopefully!) help open some eyes to just how skewed our current ideals have become. This blog is a work in progress. Right now, I'm choosing to focus on beauty ideals in general,as opposed to those specific to eating disorders,but that could change based on feedback I receive or how the creative spirit decides to move me next. My belief is that the battle against eating disorders needs a project all its own. One that will be worthy of the severity of such illnesses and that will be able to effectively address all the issues surrounding such a devastating epidemic. I assure you that I'm working on it,but in the meantime, why not start talking to people about why it is that so many of us judge ourselves based on the unattainable standards of perfection?

I'm hoping to get some candid opinions from a few different people each month,gathering as diverse a group as possible. Many men are in the same self-loathing boat as we women too, so I'm hoping to include some male voices as well. As I said before,this may change, but I feel confident in using this as a starting point. Feedback,comments,questions-whether public or private-are welcome and encouraged. I simply ask that comments are relevant to each individual's answers to the questions,as opposed to comments or critiques pertaining to the people themselves. I will do my best to make this a positive journey for all of us and refrain from posting anything that might be a trigger for someone in the depths of an eating disorder,but I will not censor simply because ideas or beliefs differ from my own. I'm truly excited to begin to share something so important to me with all of you. If even one person is able to come closer to realizing their true beauty by something that is brought to light through this blog, it will be more than worth it.


"Everything has beauty,but not everyone sees it." -Confucius

May you see it!