"Nothing in life is so hard that you can't make it easier by the way you take it." - Ellen Glasgow
It has obviously been quite some time since I’ve posted, and to be perfectly honest, it’s also been quite some time since I’ve written much of anything. Shortly after my last entry in August I sat down on my living room floor, laptop on the stool in front of me, and pounded out a rough draft of what I had hoped would be an intro to some thoughts one of my longtime friends had shared with me on the topic of underwear dancing. I assumed I would revise and post it in a week or so, but as is so often the case with life, it had other plans for me. A lot of that involved working hard and continuing to plug away at this new life I’m building for myself, but some of it has admittedly been not wanting to write about such a fun, light topic when I’m still in the midst of working through a lot of things that aren’t all that enjoyable or carefree. Don’t get me wrong, life is treating me really well, and I want any of you taking the time to read this to know that I’m speaking the truth. Of course if you know me at all you know I’m as honest as they come, but looking back at a few (much) older posts, I’ve realized that when writing about my own life I had from time to time expressed what I so badly wanted to believe about myself, but rarely- deep down - truly believed. This time I know how immensely fortunate I am for having the life that I do, especially thinking back to where I was this time just last year. That said, I’m going to speak frankly and say that truly loving and accepting oneself is still damn difficult. I work a lot, I get physically tired and can’t always be as active as I’d like, so…. I feel bad about myself. I continue to process some more emotional difficulties stemming from all that’s happened in my life over the past year, I become mentally spent and so… I feel bad about myself. I’m sure you get the picture. When I get stuck in that self-deprecating rut, the last thing I feel like doing is jumping around to uplifting music in my underwear. I can't imagine that anyone would.
Yet in spite of this so-called rut, I still felt that itch to write- in particular to blog – yet I knew there was no way I could tackle a post about embracing myself in a happy-go-lucky way feeling as I did. Time and again I thought about those very friends whose thoughts I was wanting to share, and how extremely confounding it is that even with all their unconditional love, acceptance, and support of me – many of them offering all of that to me for over half of my life – my own self –loathing could and would still creep in and reign supreme. It may sound a bit melodramatic to those who haven’t experienced it for themselves, but it can be a very painful and helpless feeling. After becoming completely overwhelmed one evening last week, I contacted a friend of mine – one of the only true friends I’ve made so far in my new hometown – merely hoping for a kind heart and an open ear to allow me to vent. Well, I got that for sure….but I also got immeasurably more in the form of true inspiration. She has been “there” - though everyone’s “there” is unique to their life experience, we can definitely relate– and she could state with unflinching honesty and confidence that for some people, learning to love themselves is the most difficult thing they’ll ever face, but she that she could promise me that if I truly learned to do so, it would be more than worth it. I wish I could remember the exact words she used because it felt like someone hit me over the head and woke me up in the most wonderful way possible. I also wish I could sit here and write that I have since done a complete 180 with regard to my self-esteem… but unfortunately, I can’t. Not yet. I’ve expressed many times that to me, what’s true is beautiful, and so I feel it my duty to pass that on to my readers (aka my friends and family) by always being truthful when I write. No, I didn’t suddenly learn to love myself because of an exceptionally inspiring conversation with a very special young lady….but….for the first time in weeks… I stripped down to my undies and I danced. And danced. And danced. And it felt really, really good.
It’s in that spirit that I plan on posting the random thoughts and musings about dancing in one’s underwear that some of my favorite friends were kind enough to send me over the summer – hopefully over the next few weeks. I may not have the time or wherewithal to write much, but I hope that posting them will inspire you (and me too!) to keep striving for self acceptance and true enjoyment of the beauty that is present in each of our lives and in each of us. It certainly can’t hurt to try.
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