CARMEN

"Taking joy in life is a woman's best cosmetic."

- Rosalind Russell

Everyone is familiar with the stereotype of women and hairdressers. Your hairdresser is your sounding board, your keeper of secrets, that one person outside your social circle who listens without judgment and maybe even offers some objective advice from time to time. I've always enjoyed getting my hair done - shampooed, cut, colored, blown out, you name it. And I've always been fortunate to have excellent stylists who not only knew what they were doing with my hair, but were also very friendly and good at making enjoyable small talk. They would ask vague questions about my life, and I in turn, would answer honestly, but without too much detail. They knew about my job, how my classes were going, where I was planning to go for summer vacation, if my family was well, etc. Pretty much the surface or "acquaintance" version of me. Although we genuinely got along well and liked each other, my appointments - when it came down to it - were about appearances, and the conversation was simply an offer of good customer service to a client who they happened to like talking to. I did feel great when I left the salon, but nothing greater than a little more pep in my step and a temporary increase in confidence about the way I looked. Nothing changed about who I was at the core.

When I first met Carmen, it initially seemed like more of the same. She was extremely personable and talented, and I instinctively trusted her to make me look good. I was going through some drastic changes in my physicality due to my recovery from the anorexia, and dealing with some adverse appearance related side effects from such a prolonged period of life spent in starvation mode. I was ashamed to look in the mirror in the privacy of my own apartment, let alone talk to someone I barely knew about how I looked. Carmen didn't know this, but she did intuitively seem to know that I needed a change - and a reason to feel special and unique. From a demure, dark red bob to a super short, spiky, bright red pixie cut - Carmen was with me as my appearance continued to change and evolve. She was changing and evolving as well - different colors and lengths of hair, new contact lenses, new place of business. But somehow the more we changed, the more each of us seemed to become more secure in who we were and in our new found friendship. The polite chit chat petered out and was replaced with talk of what was really going on in each of our lives and how it made us feel. I began to look forward to my appointments, not only because of the haircuts, but because I knew I would be spending time with a friend who would listen to me - and that I would do the same for her. We were unexpectedly there to see each other through some difficult times, and have been fortunate enough to share countless laughs and tales of everyday triumphs too.

I feel like, despite my ongoing struggles regarding self-worth, Carmen was there to witness me become the real me, and I'm immensely grateful for that. She was there when I popped in one day last year and spontaneously told her I'd like to go back to more of my natural hair color. That, to me, was a big step in embracing who I really am, and I don't know that it would've happened that way if someone else had been my stylist.

I state at the beginning of our interview, that I wanted to talk to Carmen because she deals with people's appearances - their "beauty" - and how they feel about themselves, every day. But in truth, I also asked her because, to me, she is a beautiful woman and friend - and she deserves a chance to be able to say it out loud.



So, I wanted to interview you because you deal with people's appearances and...don't be nervous! When someone gets their hair done, it has an ability to make them feel good about themselves, and you're really good at what you do...


Thank you!


I mean that. And I think that comes from something more than just an eye for appearances. I think that comes from caring about how people feel about themselves. So, that's why I asked you to do this. This is a difficult question, but since we're pressed for time, I'll just jump right in.


Go ahead, baby - jump.


Okay. So this blog is called "Democracy of Beauty" because everyone has their own unique views about beauty. Off the top of your head, what does beauty mean to you?


Well, I'm doing this for almost twenty years now, and it's something I really enjoy. Over the years I got to meet so many different people, so many different characters. And what I realized by being in this profession is that sometimes beauty doesn't...you know, it's not just the way they look - the way they look when they come in or the way they look when they leave from here- but it's also from inner...to me, it's about inner beauty. And many people that do come to have their hair done, their make-up - it gives a feeling of making you feel better. But sometimes it's just a cover-up. I've realized this by doing it and seeing how people are, you know? But it is important to me, for that moment, to make them feel good about themselves, make them feel beautiful....which they are, but sometimes they don't feel it inside them. That's beauty to me. By people being with me for at least half an hour to an hour, or whatever the time will be, I get to know people. I have a little experience getting to see how people are, so in that moment I can tell if they're looking for that particular temporary outer beauty or not.

Having your loved ones around you - that's another part of beauty. I think so. It gives you happiness. That's how I feel. When I have my brother around me, my family members, I feel beautiful inside and out cause it makes me happy. Also, my little dogs! Cause I can get to care for them. I love them. And they give me so much love in return.



You do take the time to get to know your clients, and I think that lends itself to seeing inner beauty...and maybe that's why you're so good at what you do. You mentioned something about people not feeling good about themselves. You seem like someone who's outwardly confident, but as I've gotten to know you, I've noticed that you'll make little negative comments here and there...


Wait, now we're talking about me?


Yeah - so are there physical hang-ups or things that you have insecurities about?


Yes! I have so many! Just because my profession is to make people feel good about themselves - I need a lot of that myself, trust me. But even doing my hair myself, and putting make-up on, and getting dressed nice at times, I do feel a lot better about myself. But I do have a lot of insecurities. Yes, of course. Everybody does.


You answered my question before I even asked it. I was going to ask - how do you change how you feel about your insecurities? What do you do?


You know, there are so many days when I feel like - you know, I don't feel good about myself, or in my heart there are things I wasn't able to accomplish. Which, I'm trying - honest. Finishing school, let's say. To me, that's very important. But on days like that, when I have those kind of sad days, I always make sure to do something for me. Like, if I can afford it, I go and have my nails done or I do a facial, and that always makes me feel better. Or talk to a friend of mine.



What about your love for animals?


Oh, yes! Yes - not too many crazy people have 14 animals to make them feel better. But honest, I love them all.



What do you think is your most beautiful quality? It can be physical or not physical...or both.


One thing? Something that would describe me? I care. I am a very, very caring person - no matter to whom, you know. Because when you are beautiful, you do care. I feel that I'm a beautiful person.



I would agree.


I think I am. I care for people. I care for animals. I care for everybody. Sometimes I should not! But I do. Many times I get hurt from people I think are worth it to be friends with, honest. But on the other hand, it's like still I cannot change that about me - being nice and caring for people. I don't look down on people, and I don't really look up at people, you understand what I'm saying? Like to me, being able to help a homeless person, it makes me feel good about myself, that I'm able to do something for somebody. When on the other hand, some of my friends say,"Are you crazy? Why aren't they working? Why don't they get a job?". To me that's not beautiful....And about myself? Me? Today it's my hair.


I like it. Did you do that today?



Uh-huh. Takes me a long time to blow dry it, and I work with hair. Another beautiful thing about me is that I think I was able to sacrifice many things from my life to be able to be near my daughter that I love so much, to make her become who she is. And I was always there next to her. I left myself out to be able to be there for her, so to me, I think that's beautiful. I don't know how you would describe that, but...


I think you did it perfectly. Do you...I mean, you've lived here a long time...


Twenty-one years.



Yeah - you're an American and a New Yorker, but do you think that also knowing another culture has given you a better perspective on beauty, as opposed to someone who has only known the American ideal of beauty their whole life?



Yes, but in a different way. Having the chance to be in New York for as long as I've been here, I got to see - like you said - different types of beauty, when in other countries or cultures, they look at some particular thing. I don't know if I'm explaining myself. They look at people, and they look at just one or two things about people. Appearance and nothing beyond that. Here, everybody looks at everybody like it's a big - all one family, you know? At least lots of people do, I think.


There are also many people in my neighborhood, they come from Europe. I'm from Europe, right? And at the time they came here, probably they were my age. I was 21 when I came here. They've probably been in this country for longer than I am, and I look at them, and they're still with the same mentality from back then. They don't care for themselves. They've gained so much weight. They don't care about their health. So, I think it's the opposite, putting it that way.



You seem very comfortable working in this environment now, but when you started twenty years ago, in a field that focuses on people's appearances, do you think it made you more self-conscious?


Yes! It can. This particular job, being in the beauty industry, you also have to appear....people,they look at you, how you look - so they can judge you by the way you look. Appearance has a very big role in this type of business. Like with everything else. Like, you cannot be in fashion if you're like - I don't know - wearing ripped clothes or something....unless they're in style, right?


You wanna know the truth? It's also funny how other people, they look at beauty. I'm gonna give you a few examples. Let's say in the fashion industry, like a beautiful model, she gains some weight? Forget about modeling. Which to me, that's wrong. It's totally really wrong. Being in the beauty industry, doing make-up, doing hair, it is very messed up that sometimes they don't look at the qualities as a stylist, the good stylist you are. They look at your appearance. So let's say I'm losing my job now or maybe ten years from now - it doesn't matter that I have thirty years experience. They will not hire me because I'm already over a certain age. So, it is messed up. It is f#%!*ed up. I'm serious. You know, I remember one time I had green hair, and a freaking client refused me to cut his hair. Beauty appeared to him like, "What the hell is wrong with this girl?" A lot of people look at it different then I would probably look at it. They don't look at quality anymore. It has a lot to do with appearance.



It seems that way with almost anything anymore.



That goes with everything, yeah. That's messed up though.



So, in the time that I've known you, you often have a different hair color or a completely different style, and I wonder if any of that has to do with an insecurity about yourself, or if it's just a form of expression?



It's different with everybody. Not everybody that sits in my chair is here because they're insecure. And by changing your appearance, it doesn't make somebody more secure, you know? But for me, it's a way of expressing myself. It just makes me feel good. And knowing you for so long - I know you for almost 8 years now - you're not just my client. I consider you as my friend. You've seen a lot of things change on me, and I've seen things changing on you, but we always gave each other a chance to talk, and I'm really grateful that you talk to me. Now I'm gonna cry....



You're gonna make me cry too!


But you know, sometimes it depends....the moods we are in....changing the hair or changing your clothing helps. But it's not necessarily that you change it for that particular reason - because when you're hurt or you're happy, it doesn't matter what you change about your outer appearance - it will not make a difference. I don't know if I'm making it clear enough. Maybe I'll explain it better like this. My brother's going through some changes. He broke up with his wife and stuff, and for him, having a beard now - like trying to cover himself up to cover up the pain - it's not helping. So, it doesn't matter sometimes. People drink because they feel insecure, people - like I said - they change their hair. But just by changing that, it doesn't mean anything would change how they really feel about themselves.



Speaking of change -If you could change one thing about our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?


Honest? Look deeper. Look beyond the outside beauty. Instead of - let's say I just met you or you just met me. Instead of like, right away, just because I have....Like that guy, ok? He refused me to cut his hair just because I did not appear "normal" for him, because I have green color hair. If he had given me a chance, he would've seen a different side of me - that I'm a very good person and a great hair stylist. And he didn't give me the chance just because I had freakin' green hair!


Anything else you'd like to say?



Be yourself. Don't change for anybody. I think. Don't make anything change you just because of the way you look. I think that's...to me, those are the ugly people. They want you to change to be the way they want you, just because they think their way is better than yours. To me that's not right. That means appearance and a lot of other things - like even changing your personality for someone. No way. That would change the beauty of you - who you are. So, that's it.

RAINA

"I'll be your mirror - reflect what you are, in

case you don't know......"

-I'll Be Your Mirror by the Velvet Underground


It's difficult to imagine that anything can be the least bit enjoyed, or even appreciated, in the darkest moments of our lives. But for me, no matter how fleeting the feeling, music has always had the ability to bring a tear to my eye, love to my heart, and goosebumps to my arms. Even if it was a catalyst for me to give a sort of unspoken voice to the feelings I was unable to utter aloud- music was that rare escape from the seemingly inescapable, that eventually got me through . For as far back as I can remember, it has been inseparable from life itself. My mom always loved to tell the story about me (attempting) to sing along to the Oak Ridge Boys' "Elvira" from my car seat, when I was less than a year old. Music has taken my joy to unknown heights when life is treating me well, and allowed me to fully experience pain, grief, and ultimately healing, in times when it is not. So much knowledge has been gained through the beauty of song. Whether learning about the Civil War through the wonderful musical, Shenandoah, in the fifth grade, or realizing that sometimes a grown woman just needs to jump around in her underwear to some Jack White on electric guitar - music has, and continues to teach me. It also happens to be that very connection to music that sparked my friendship with Raina.

We both began working at a world famous museum here in New York at about the same time, several years ago. We must have had nearly identical schedules because every day when it came time to make my way down to the cafeteria for lunch, there was Raina, with her whimsically funky clothing and a quiet, yet curious demeanor. We never spoke. A couple years later, I switched departments and transferred to a different branch of the museum, at a completely different location. As I was led on a tour of the building on my very first day of work- lo and behold : There was Raina, working in the bookshop. We began to make small talk every now and then in the lunch line, but those encounters were few and far between. Another year or so passed, and I took a new position that had me frequently manning the admissions desk...which just so happens to be right next door to the bookshop. According to Raina, the laughter and silliness coming from that desk and echoing throughout the Main Hall were so enticing that she just couldn't resist coming out to visit and trying to get in on the fun. The more she visited, the more we got to chatting. And the more we got to chatting, the more we began to bond over our love of music. We went to a couple of concerts together, giddily shared our tales of separate concert going experiences, burned some cd's for each other, and somewhere in there, realized that we had become friends. Real friends.

Over the past year or so, we've really opened up to each other and have been there to help each other through some extremely trying times. I remember when I first began to talk with her about my past - and current- insecurities and personal struggles, Raina was shocked. To her I seemed so self-confident and self-assured. Strong and independent. Positive and happy. She never would have known about the battles going on inside if I hadn't told her. It's funny because I felt the exact same way about her. I never would've guessed that Raina had had even one insecurity in her life - or at least not in her adult life. I would normally be quick to attribute this to the fact that we both tend to be somewhat of people pleasers, who prefer sucking it up and putting on a happy face to ruffling a few feathers. But while we may do this with others from time to time, when dealing with each other, I don't believe that's the case at all. The Velvet Underground song quoted above expresses it beautifully. I believe that Raina and I have and continue to be each other's mirrors when we are blinded to the beauty within ourselves. We genuinely are self-assured, positive, and happy around each other, because that's the reflection that's bouncing back to each of us. It's like the old, "I'm rubber, you're glue." equation. All the wonderful things I see in Raina are reflected back at her when she looks at me, and vice versa. We bring out the best in each other - silliness, creativity, honesty, fun, individuality, confidence, true friendship, and love.

As I've mentioned before, my own mirror has been a bit cloudy this year, and I've often struggled to find any beauty - inward or outward - in that reflection. But when I'm able to see myself through Raina's eyes, I like what I see and am proud to be the woman I've become. In many of my darkest moments, Raina has been there, being my mirror and reflecting who I really am, until I'm strong enough to be able to see it for myself. I hope she knows that I will always be a friend, and will always be here to do the same for her. And the reflection that she sees when I do, will be absolutely beautiful.


So,the first question I want to ask you is- other than the fact that we're friends and you're interested in what I do, etc., what was it about the blog that made you want to be a part of it? I believe you came to me a while back and said that you'd like to do it.....

Yeah, I did come to you, and I remember you said that you were afraid to ask me. That's very funny. I don't know... I think it's an interesting blog that you're doing. I've always considered myself like...not your standard beauty. I always thought that....I don't know. How do I not sound...I just thought I had something to offer people that was sort of beyond just being the pretty girl. I've had so many insecurities. I still feel insecure - you've heard about them. But it's just that there's more to...I mean, there's no way to say it without cliches, but there's more to beauty than what's skin deep. I try to stay true to myself and what I think is beautiful, and I also appreciate beauty. Not everybody does. They appreciate what beauty represents, but I try to appreciate it in its myriad form. I don't know if any of that made sense.....


Totally. This isn't my interview, so I shouldn't be talking, but what you said about feeling like despite your insecurities, you knew you had something to offer -I've always gotten that from you. I've always felt you were comfortable with yourself, but I know from what you've shared with me, lately you've had more insecurities regarding your physical appearance than you had in the past. I do normally ask a question about physical hang-ups and how you're working to get over them, but I'd also be interested to know if you had any before these current issues? What was that like, and how did you get over them?

Well, what we're talking about currently is that I've been having weight issues that I don't feel great about. I realized - this is a weird thing - I realized that part of what freaks me out, especially when I see pictures of myself, is that I look like my aunt, who was always much heavier...and my father too, because that's the heavy side of the family. So, it just goes to show that your hang-ups have so nothing to do with reality. Nobody knows my aunt. Nobody thinks poorly of her. But when I have some weight in my face, I'm like, "Oh my god, I look just like them!", and I don't really get along with that side of the family, so I realized that was part of it and was like, "Alright - this is ridiculous."

Before that, I didn't have weight issues as much, although you've seen my family and my sisters. My little sister is tall and super skinny and super beautiful, and I was always convinced that I was ugly and that no one would ever love me. My teeth are really crooked, and I don't have a pretty smile. That was the main hang-up when I was younger. I broke my teeth and then I had these temporaries - it was this whole thing. My teeth have been a source of problems forever and my little sister was somehow born with beautiful, straight teeth. So, that was the main thing - my teeth. And I used to wear glasses. It sounds cheesy, but I did get a lot of confidence when I started wearing contacts. A huge part of that is because then you can wear sunglasses, and I defy you to not feel better about yourself when you're wearing sunglasses. It's like, "I'm cool. I'm wearing sunglasses." I remember being little, and all I wanted to do was wear them, and I couldn't because I had my glasses on. I had terrible glasses, and I had terrible clothes. I had bad skin for a long time too, and that was a source of angst. I didn't know what my body was and how to dress it. I had no sense of anything. In high school, there were no dates. There were no anything,cause I just didn't know! And I have crazy, curly, frizzy hair that I didn't know how to deal with. It was mostly just kind of like , I grew up and figured out how to deal with what I had. These are things that maybe a lot of people learned younger than I did. I think I just learned it later than everybody else.


I think I was pretty much in the same boat as you.

Were you? I think I told you this, but my mom never wore a bra, never tweezed her eyebrows, put make-up on -none of that stuff. So, one of my friends taught me about tweezing my eyebrows, and taught me all this girly stuff, and would buy me bras and things like that. I actually needed someone to take me by the hand and be like, " These are girly things, and this is how you do them." Some people, I think their moms do that, but not my mom. I mean, I understand why, and I would never want to push that on a daughter - but on the other hand, they're kind of things that you do have to learn. You aren't born understanding these things, and you'll feel better about yourself in the long run if you know how to make yourself feel better about yourself.


So, you talked about appreciating beauty in general...what would you say beauty is to you? How would you define it?

I think- based on our experience- it's laughter. It really is. That, I think, is my favorite thing - to make people laugh. This may sound selfish, but I love that I can always go out to the desk and tell you something, and it'll make you laugh. You have a wonderful laugh, and I'll hear it across the room...and then we'll get way giggly and silly. In my worst moments, the thing that I feared the most was that I'd lost that sense of silliness and giggliness, cause that's my favorite thing in the world. And also just people being unique. There's a humor about life and people's outlook of humor on life. I can't help but appreciate them and find them beautiful. And then, you know - David Bowie. Anything Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll and humor. I think Rock and Roll is humor, and that's maybe why I like it...cause at its heart it's sort of laughing at main stream culture and things like that.

What do you think is your most beautiful attribute? And it can physical or non-physical....or both!

Well, I said before that my favorite thing is making someone laugh, and that's what I like. So that, and physically, I've always liked my hands and my eyes. But I've grown to like my hair too. I used to hate my hair. I wanted straight, Jennifer Aniston hair, and I had crazy, curly, frizzy. And then I embraced the crazy, curly, frizzy.


What do you think made you embrace the crazy, curly, frizzy?

Because it's what I have. And I mean, I can't work a blow dryer. I can't do these girly things. I'm not gonna go and get it straightened every day. I think that's a lot of what growing older and becoming more comfortable with myself was - not fighting things. And that's with a lot of things. You can put yourself in this boat with people who don't look at all like you and don't have any of your physical characteristics, but if you sort of embrace your own physical characteristics, you'll feel a lot more confident. It took me a long time, but I started to feel better about those things.


We were talking about feeling like you might not have had the right "guidance" growing up - in terms of feeling confident about yourself. I know it's a loaded topic, but do have any thoughts about what you feel might be a healthier way to approach this with children? Any children really, but especially little girls.....

Definitely. I mean, my mom was trying to go the other way. We weren't allowed to have Barbies. She was trying to be very, "You don't have to conform yourself to this idea of beauty"....but I think there has to be a balance. I had older sisters, but they were a lot older. It was my older sister that told my mom I had to get a bra, cause I didn't want to ask. It sounds silly to say, but maybe some sort of mentoring. I think that's important. Women to take each other under their wings. I was talking about how my friend took me under her wing with that type of stuff. The worst thing to me is cattiness between women. I'm all about the solidarity, or at least I try to be. But I think that's the best way - if there's a woman that can help a younger woman. And I've thought about it a lot. If I have children, if i have girls - I hate the princess thing. It drives me crazy. I was at my friend's house - I don't even think she knows this is there. Probably someone gave it to her daughter - but there were Disney Princess books, and one of them was something like, " My Perfect Wedding". It was all about planning the perfect wedding. I was like, "In god's name, what would a three year old ...why should they care about this in any way?!" So those types of things really piss me off. I was raised with trucks and...well, I had My Little Ponies, but that's because my mom was a horse person.
I just don't think you need to raise girls with the whole princess thing. But you do need the balance. Once they hit adolescence, they're gonna need guidance because it's confusing. You're becoming a woman, you're having these wacky feelings, having things grow, and you don't know what to do with it. And my mom was kind of there for me in that, but not really. And I think adolescence is probably where most issues arise or take place.


Something that I found out about you fairly recently, is that you like to paint. Actually, you're quite good at painting. You also know more about music than just about anyone I know. I have friends who are musicians, or were music majors, or just obsessed with music their whole lives -but no one seems to be as knowledgeable about music across the board, as you are. Do you think that this affinity for beauty in creative or artistic things has allowed you to be more confident in yourself, because perhaps you see a more well rounded aspect of beauty?

That's totally true, and I don't think it's a coincidence that I work at a museum, and that I've worked there as long as I have. Art and music and creative expression have been really important. Once you really find music...I'll talk about David Bowie a lot , but I think he's a really important person cause he really expanded ideas of sexuality, what a person looks like, what a musician looks like, what a pop star looks like. Madonna has talked about how much he influenced her. I mean, he has so much confidence because he was like, " What I'm doing is really awesome.", and all you need is that confidence and then people will believe it. People who are obsessed with a shallow idea of beauty don't usually have a very extensive interest in things beyond, "Oh, that's a nice Monet painting." I don't like narrow mindedness. With music, I don't have just one genre that I'll listen to. I'll listen to anything,and I'll give it a chance. I'll say I like anything, as long as it's good. And so with art and with everything- to me, that's the only way to appreciate beauty. Just to be open to it. It's about opening the circle instead of closing the circle. It's hard not to have pre-judgements, but I try to be open to things. I mean,tonight we're going to see a white rapper from LA...why not?!


Alright, if you could change one thing about the current standard of beauty in today's society, what would it be?

There are so many things. I mean, the weight issue is probably the biggest thing. But just coming from personal feelings, I've always felt I was very weird looking because my teeth weren't perfect, and I think that's an American thing. Oh, and this pisses me off - when you read something about Kirsten Dunst, they refer to her as the snaggle tooth actress.

I've never noticed that.

I couldn't tell you what was wrong with her teeth. I think she's absolutely gorgeous. Snaggle tooth? I mean, it's the same thing - that everything has to be conformed to this very specific, very perfect idea of beauty, and it doesn't work. All it does is just screw people up. The funny thing is, as much as I've found that I don't conform to that standard, it doesn't bother people. People still like me for me. Recently, I've had the weight thing, but it hasn't affected whether or not people find me attractive or want to be around me. So, it's all just personal. You put it on yourself. Generally, when I'm myself, people respond favorably - and I just need to relax.


Any other thoughts you'd like to share?

The one thing I wanted to say is that I know you always put a little quote with your posts, and I was thinking about this - you know the Velvet Underground song "I'll Be Your Mirror"? I was thinking about that. Thinking about how I'm feeling all heavier than I've ever been, but like, everyone except for me doesn't care. If people are responding to you, then they're responding to you, and you shouldn't second guess that. I hate it when I do that about myself. We all do that about ourselves...but just sort of trust it. Listen to Lou Reed! I just felt that if I put myself out there- you know that phrase, "warts and all"- and then people respond favorably to that, I sort of know that it's real. That they really are responding favorably. That's why I believe so much in honesty and not putting up this facade. In some ways, it's freeing that I didn't feel like the pretty girl, and that I knew people had to like me for me. That gave me a weird confidence. When you know that people like you just because they like you, you feel much more comfortable around them, and you don't question things as much. I mean, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my everything on my sleeve. It's just...it's out there. And that's that.



Shortly after this interview, I received an email from my mom regarding this amazing fifth grade chorus and their teacher from PS22 in Staten Island. They had been featured on Nightline a few evenings prior, and to quote my mom, "As a teacher, I'm inspired. As a human being...I just want to be better." My mom happens to be my fifth grade teacher - the very teacher I mentioned early on in this post, who definitely solidified for me, the power music has to touch lives. After reading the article she had attached, and watching a few of their videos in utter amazement, youtube led me to this beautiful cover of what else..."I'll Be Your Mirror". Music has, and continues to teach me, indeed.....

TOM

"The thing that is really hard - and really amazing - is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."

- Anna Quindlen

As much as I despise the word "perfection", I'll admit that despite my best efforts, I seem to have -in one way or another - been in constant pursuit of this very state for the majority of my life. Growing up, I was pretty good at almost every endeavor undertaken - sometimes even really good. But I was never the best. To me, this meant failure. As I got a little older, this trend shifted more and more towards appearance related matters, and there's no question - obsession was the name of the game. It seemed the more I primped and preened to make myself "pretty", the more I felt like I would never be pretty enough. I would never look perfect, therefore I would never amount to anything. And it's pretty clear that the almost nine year battle with my eating disorder was the inevitable collision of these two fruitless quests for something that is simply an impossible feat for any human being to achieve. The better you are at it, the sicker you get. And the sicker you get, the closer you are to death. If death was the ultimate prize, then I was closer to perfection than I had ever been.

But since embarking on my journey to recovery several years ago, and discovering (and rediscovering) all the life that had been lost to me, I have gained a much healthier perspective regarding perfection. Being the best me that I can be is far more attractive to me than some unattainable physical standard that random people decided on and immediately proclaimed to be fact. But life is not always easy, and old habits die hard. One negative thought about myself leads to another, leads to another, and before I realize what's happening, there I am, back in that same old pattern in which I will never, ever be good enough. Being able to recognize beauty in so many different aspects of people and life around me does not mean that I'm immune to the pressures of today's society that - let's face it - can overwhelm even an extremely self-confident person. Intellectually, I know better - but that feeling inside takes a lot more than a few positive affirmations to make it dissipate. For me, it takes a knock-your-socks-off wake up call. And in a recent battle with negativity, that's exactly what I got, via an email from a close friend about an encounter he had with a young woman on the subway. He immediately thought of me and my blog, and I have since been trying to determine the best way to share it with all of you. I don't think it's any small coincidence that it also happens to be so relevant to the wonderful interview that you'll soon be reading.

My friend was seated on a bench at the subway platform, waiting for the train, when an attractive young woman sat down next to him. She was probably about 25 or 26, and based on her look and manner, he felt that she must have been a model. Almost immediately after sitting down, she opened her bag and took out some very rich red lipstick, which she carefully applied. Then she did a round with some foundation and concealer - searching her compact mirror for the tiniest blemish and immediately targeting it with her pad. Next she pulled out a second lip implement, this time a gloss to go over her already bright red lips - with no apparent effect. Moments later, the train arrived and they boarded. My friend took a seat, but she instead, stood in front of the closed door and proceeded to use it as a mirror while she fussed with herself - her hat, her hair, her clothing, etc. When she finally did sit down, she once again brought out the lipstick, followed by the compact. She continued to do this for about ten minutes straight, and to his eyes, she didn't look all that different from when she first sat down on the platform bench - except for that fact that her lips were perhaps a little brighter. He said that he couldn't help but see in her procedures, a nervousness - as if she feared she would overlook some imperfections, and no matter how many minutes of every hour she spent touching up, she would never look right or feel good enough. He thought perhaps she was en route to an audition or shoot, and that was why she was making such a fuss. But maybe she couldn't help it, and that thought made him sad. So as he exited the train, he passed in front of her - where her pad was still moving feverishly about her face - and said, "Look, I'm a stranger, so I hope I'm not too forward - but you look great." She smiled and thanked him as he left the car and went on his way, hoping that maybe she would put her compact away and just enjoy the train ride to wherever she was going. Maybe his candid reassurance of her beauty would help her to put things in perspective. Maybe not.

As I finished the email, I began to cry. I may not have the physicality of a model, but in many ways, I saw myself in that young woman. Yes, I've grown by leaps and bounds when it comes to accepting and appreciating myself the way I am, but that old insecurity still found a way to rear its ugly head - and it took the recognition of it in a complete stranger to get me to realize it. I'm sure that my friend's compliment regarding her appearance did reassure her and help her to relax for a bit - but for how long? An hour? Twenty minutes? Five? We can only find true reassurance and acceptance within ourselves, and that's no easy task. But the fact that I've been able to do it - even if only temporarily - is proof that it can be done and proof to me that life is definitely more rewarding when it is. This blog, and particularly these wonderful interviews, continue to help and inspire me, and it's my hope that they'll continue to do the same for you.

This latest chat with my friend, Tom, was so honest and in depth that we talked far beyond the recording capacity of the 60 minute cassette, and the tape - unbeknownst to us - came completely off the frame and was unable to be played back. Luckily, after much trial and error, another friend was able to repair the tape, so that I can share with you the part of the interview that was recorded. It's far from easy to be truly candid in discussions like these, but Tom went above and beyond the call of duty. Perhaps the plethora of super hero knowledge he's acquired from editing comics has made "going above and beyond..." par for the course. At any rate, I was and am deeply moved and inspired by his thoughts, and I hope you will be too.

I seem to recall Tom -who also happens to be writer and comedian- jokingly remark that "pretty" people don't work in comics. Well, based on this interview, there's at least one person who's definitely adding some real beauty to that medium. And I'd venture to guess that I'm not alone in that opinion.


So, other than the fact that I strongly suggested you do an interview based on our recent conversations, what was it that drew you to this project?


I'm not entirely certain what it is that drew me to this project, because my self image is something I don't make too big a deal of in conversations with people. It's something that you really wouldn't know is such a big deal to me unless I took the time to explain how it is such a big deal to me. The fact is, I'm frequently late to work with how much I kinda fuss over my appearance in the morning - not just in an egotistical way. I'm very nervous to look so bland and put so much effort into it. It's much more than you would think. And just in general, the concept of beauty in the abstract is very intriguing to me, cause it's something I keep very quiet about to myself. But it is something I think about and obsess on a lot. It's kind of interesting to see a situation where I could finally talk about it in a freer manner than I normally do.


I realize this is difficult to do on the spur of the moment, but how would you define beauty? What is beauty, to you?


It's interesting...when you get older - that's a weird thing to say when you're in your 20's - but suddenly a simple question is no longer easy to answer. I remember the first day of this art history class, sophomore year of high school - the teacher asked us all to scream for him and none of us would...we had no idea what this nutcase was asking us. But he also asked us, "How many of you like to draw?" and half the class put their hands up. He asked those of us who didn't, "What do you mean? When you were a kid, if you wanted to draw your mom and dad, you drew a circle, some sticks for arms, and that was your mom and dad!" . Now you want to come up with a really complex answer, cause you're afraid if you say, "Ooh..a sunset!" , it's a cliche'. I'd say beauty is when something is done the right way - whatever it is. Like, you see the "master" of something - whether or not they're famous - do something that they do so well, and there's something beautiful to it. If you watch a really fantastic artist draw something, it's less the act of them drawing....or you know, a really fantastic musician playing - if you look at their eyes, it's the intensity and excitement that they get doing what they do so well, because of a devotion to it. And I guess somewhere in there you could find my definition of what beauty means to me. The easy answer is "Oh, beauty is truth", but that was already written by someone a very long time ago. But reality is a very beautiful thing to me, and I guess my definition of beauty is seeing something the way it's meant to be.


Now this is a difficult question, or at least I think it will be, based on what you've shared with me. What do you consider to be your most beautiful attribute? And it doesn't have to be physical. It can be physical, not physical, or both. Whatever you feel.


You've asked that question at a very interesting time, cause the last couple weeks I've been at the all time low of my self esteem - so that's a tough call. My most beautiful attribute.....Well, physically, I really like my hair. I think it's good hair. Right now it's kinda short, it's not where I want it to be...but I come from people with very, very good hair. Hmm. I would say, probably for me, my most beautiful attribute - without getting too full of myself....


You can get full of yourself.


Good, cause I'm gonna. Okay - it's weird to me how much I care about other people, people I barely know. As I've mentioned before in conversation with you, I guess I'm a really good listener because a lot of people feel comfortable telling me things about themselves and about problems or situations they may have. And I do find myself inexplicably drawn to, if not help out, then at least listen. So few people listen to people. So few people will take the time to sit down if you have a problem. I frequently feel like I can't really talk to anyone about my problems, so I like the fact that I'm able to listen and be there for people. And I think that if more people had someone who heard them, their lives would be a lot easier. I am proud of myself, that I'm willing to recognize and do my best - without being too obnoxious - to be there for them.



Is there something in particular that you've struggled with regarding your appearance....that you've either overcome or are working on overcoming? If so, how did you do it, or what are you currently doing to change how you feel about it?


I think the answer to that is twofold. One thing that I have not overcome and am very aggravated with myself for, is that I'm not in particularly good shape. I could stand to be in a lot better shape. A lot of my friends are excited about beach season, but I am not. I do not have a particularly in shape upper body, and I intend to work on that. It doesn't help that I've got a certain amount of body hair too, but that's something that I can easily take care of with 60 bucks and a Russian woman with wax. Painful, painful wax....

For a long time I have struggled with and am aggressively working on my posture. I slouch a lot, slump a lot. I say this as I sit incredibly inappropriately on this bench. But, you know- it's nighttime, it's different. I've noticed that it does a lot for my mood and it does a lot for how people perceive me when I stand up straight. In general, I do feel better about myself when I sit upright and balanced. Something I've told no one....I am looking into ballet classes at the recommendation of my boss, who was an actor back in the olden days. Yeah, that's right. I do not carry myself as well as I should, and I'm working on it. But I tend to kind of hide in myself, and I'm trying not to.



Do you think that it has more to do with insecurities about who you are as a person that make you carry yourself that way, which maybe in turn, makes you feel less confident about yourself physically?


Absolutely. I was an incredibly shy child. I was very, very quiet. In a lot of ways I've gotten over that, but in other ways, I am still very much a quiet person. People who know me personally, would be shocked to see me at work, where I'm very serious and very quiet. Whereas when I'm out of work, I'm very loud and - not loud - but I'm very communicative. There's a lot to that sort of, do my best to not be noticed, and I'm working on that. I'd say my fashion sense had a lot to do with that for a while. For the longest time, I had as nondescript a fashion sense as you could imagine. I was like a cartoon character. T-shirt, jeans - that's it. And in the last couple years, I really kinda pushed it to....to dress a little bit more like an adult. I still tend to dress in much darker, more autumn like colors, cause it can still be kind of camouflage, but I'm gettin' there. I'm gettin' there. I am constantly in this battle of trying to get noticed, while trying not to get noticed. I'm not sure what it is. I think I'm naturally predisposed to a more introverted kind of lifestyle, but at the same time, I feel I have a lot to offer in terms of talent, drive, and care....and I don't feel like it's the right thing to stay shy. It's like " Oh, I'm over here!/ Don't worry about it." And I'd say a lot of that does have to do with the way I carry myself, in hopes that I could just kinda physically disappear.


So, if you could change one thing about our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?


What would I like to change......it does seem increasingly equated with money. I cannot figure out for the life of me, why people think that certain wealthy celebrities are beautiful. And I wish we would stop bluffing around the term. You know that woman - what's her name - Susan Boyle? The British woman who's on that show....and everyone's so shocked that she's such a good singer - like people who aren't "pretty" can't be good singers. People can't figure out, "Why is it so exciting? Why is it so exciting?". It's like well, we're all so excited because someone who's not considered pretty was successful! I just wish we would stop bullshitting it so much and stop acting like we can't figure it out. Like, " Oh, good looking people are successful - why?!". We all know why, cause we all want to be them, and we all know why we're so excited about stories like this, because it's so "shocking" that an unattractive person would be talented at something. If that's the way it's gonna be, that's too bad. A lot of talented singers are gonna have better careers in the recording studio than they are performing, and that's too bad. But if that's the way it's gonna be- fine. I just wish we'd stop acting like it was such a shock.

I do feel in general, beauty is a term loosely thrown around. You wanna say someone's good looking- fine, but so many extreme words are just thrown around in the media and attached to everything. The word "beautiful" is ascribed to every attractive or good looking actress. I mean, there are a lot of good looking actresses who I wouldn't necessarily call beautiful. I do feel there's a standard. What I'd change about that standard - I don't know. It's such an arbitrary thing, and it's such an opinion based thing, that I don't like that it's thrown around as fact, I guess. Someone may be good looking, but that doesn't make them beautiful. And at the same time, there are a lot of beautiful people who may not be stereotypically good looking. It's just like, enough papers and enough opinions are out there that have all effectively argued the fact that our culture places such a priority on physical beauty. I wish we would stop acting like we don't know what the solution is to this kind of problem. Like, "Boy- this kind of culture of glorifying people just for their physical attributes, personal wealth, and expensive clothing has somehow led to all these negative effects - but what could we possibly do to stem it? ". You know - stop. That's it. Not do what we do every day. I used to work on the CBS Early Show as a production assistant, and we'd have models on all the time. And it was weird looking at them - same with a few anchors - when they first get there in the morning. You realize that certain people are just genetically designed in a way that the camera is good to them. I mean, I can see that they're pretty, but you eliminate that camera, and they might not be held up as this epitome of beauty.

It's kind of baffling to me that after all the discussion we've had, in this age of so much information, when so many voices can be heard and so many people have a chance - we still can't get past this. We still can't man up and say, this is incredibly wrong...the way we hold - girls really more than guys. Guys too, but much more girls - to this unfair standard that is destroying their lives and destroying how they are. The answer's there. We just have to stop pretending that we don't know how to face the problem because we realize how much money there is to be made in selling stuff with pretty people. That's the one piece of good that I hope comes out of this whole Susan Boyle thing. Maybe we'll start believing, boy- you don't have to be "pretty" to sell things! But it is ridiculous to me. Everyone's just so afraid of losing money and that they can't win the fight, that no one will step up and say we should stop doing this. There are a lot of "this's" that we know how to stop doing, but don't. And in my opinion, one big one is our society's obsession with pretty people.

UNTIL NEXT TIME...

Any New Yorker will confirm just how difficult it can be to schedule anything in this bustling metropolis. From business meetings, to running in the park, to dinner and a movie--skill is definitely required. It seems we often have to pencil in "fun", just to make sure we find time to have some. It should come as no surprise then, that despite much interest, it's been difficult to schedule as many of these blog interviews as I'd like. I assure you that I'm currently working on two really great interviews to be posted within the next few weeks, but I hate to let this project go idle every time life gets busy.

While the central focus of this blog is beauty, and learning to recognize it--both in the world around us and within ourselves, I've also made it known that I am very much interested in and involved with promoting eating disorder prevention and awareness. While in many ways this can and should be viewed as a separate issue entirely, I know first hand, that failing to recognize the beauty you possess--whether internal, external, or both--can lead to deep feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness, all too often manifesting themselves in a full blown eating disorder.

With that in mind, I've decided to share this promotional video for a truly wonderful production that I saw in the city this past fall, called "36:24:36". Yes, there are many plays about eating disorders, as creative writing is often an effective tool in both recovery and prevention. But more often than not, these plays are so focused on the sufferer's behaviors and recounting how terribly painful their struggle was, that instead of aiding recovery and enlightening the audience, it becomes a script filled with triggers that reinforce the negative feelings that led to disordered eating in the first place. And so it continues. If that is the rule, than this play is definitely the exception. It's the single most accurate, yet non-triggering, account of eating disorders I have ever seen--and the only one that bothers to address that men frequently suffer from eating disorders too. As a young woman interviewed in the promo says, "They got it." These gifted and thoughtful writers know all to well just how easily the eating disorder cycle can be set into motion, and though they take special care to keep this from happening, they never once sacrifice the piece's raw emotion or poignancy. In fact, I think this adds to it. Despite this emotional punch, it's filled with witty humor that kept me laughing every bit as much as my eyes welled up. I would bet my paycheck that someone who had no particular interest in eating disorders and came to see this show, would walk away both thoroughly entertained and with a new respect and understanding of just how vital prevention and awareness truly are.

The promo was edited by my friend, Stephanie--who also happens to be one of the writers and actors in the play--in the hopes of gaining opportunities to perform again. This play simply needs to be seen. No question. I highly recommend taking a few minutes to watch the video. And if you or anyone you know would be interested in helping to get this production out there where it's needed most, please visit their website (found in the video and in my list of links in the right hand column) . Traveling to college campuses, high schools, a longer run in the city--any and all would be a major step in helping to spread the word and stopping this illness in its tracks. As always, thank you--and stay tuned for more interviews coming very soon!

MORGAN

"And I just want my life to be true.
And I just want my heart to be true.
And I just want my words to be true.

I want my soul to feel brand new."

- A Gift For Melody Anne by The Avett Brothers

The quest. Such an exhilarating prospect. I was born with a seemingly insatiable need to know, and I have been searching and exploring for as long as I can remember. Whether navigating my way through the "forbidden" forest of pine trees in a neighbor's yard, daring to have our club meeting on the ledge of "Dead Man's Cliff" (in actuality, a small but steep hill filled with unruly weeds), testing the neighborhood mailbox to see if it made a good sliding board (it did), or turning the old oak tree into an impromptu basketball hoop -- my childhood had no limit to possibilities. Even as a young adult, moving solo to an enormous city in which I knew no one was the perfect example of that need to search and discover. But I find that the circumstances surrounding this constant quest change greatly for many of us as we grow. As adults, the search seems to become less about appreciating what we've found and more about taking our latest discovery and judging it, analyzing it, and then moving on to see if we might find something even better. I'm every bit as guilty as the next person , but I feel that in this analysis and picking apart , we often lose the beauty of the circumstances, the person, the moment.

What fascinates me about Morgan is that he still explores with the curiosity of a child, yet has the wisdom to appreciate it for what it is before moving on to something else. Beauty seems to follow him wherever he goes, but in actuality, he's simply noticing it, taking it in, appreciating it. He continues on his search , not because there is something better, but because there is something different, something beautiful in a way that's not quite like anything he's noticed before. Each new discovery making his world a little more beautiful along the way. Pretty wise for a young soul.

We had scheduled our little interview on a day that started out a less than great day for both of us, but keeping with Morgan's philosophy, we not only met to chat anyway, but also found a neat little park that neither of us had been to before. Perhaps circumstances were not the best, and maybe the park wasn't the grandest or prettiest park in Brooklyn, but it was still beautiful in its own unique way. A way that , had I not put my worries aside and sat down to discuss, listen, notice, and appreciate, I may have missed entirely.

Although somewhat condensed for time and effect, what you are about to read are Morgan's candid thoughts on beauty. He expressed an interest in being interviewed after his very first reading of the blog , and I was more than willing to hear any new ideas he might have in mind. He said that he would prefer to have more of a real time discussion instead of writing out his thoughts and possibly over thinking things a bit , so that's just what we did. Armed with a tape recorder-- complete with a microphone, no less--we hit a cozy park bench and chatted for the better part of an hour. Once I realized that I had the recorder on "hold", and therefore was not recording anything , we were able to remedy the situation and have a discussion that certainly left me with the sense that world was even more beautiful than when we first sat down. Enjoy......

So, what was it about the blog that peaked your interest and made you want to be a part of it?


Do you want to test it again and see if it's okay? Test, Test, Test. Hopefully this will work....I think that the conversation is one that should happen and doesn't happen often enough. I feel like, in leaving the concept of beauty up to external forces--often times advertisers who are trying to sell you something--you lose a lot of the complexity and the variety. A variety of things can be beautiful, and there are different types of beauty. It's not just as simple as I think it's often made out to be.


On that note, I'll ask you what beauty is to you?


I think at its very core , beauty is a way of looking at the world. There are so many different facets to it. There's physical beauty, but there's also natural beauty--and different people see different things as beautiful. It really is in the eye of the beholder in the sense that any number of people can look at the exact same thing, and some will think it's beautiful and some will not. And just because there's a consensus on something doesn't necessarily make it any more or less true for any one individual.



You said that you think this is a conversation that should happen. Do you think that people are afraid to talk about beauty, and if so, why do you think that is?

I don't know....maybe not afraid, but I feel like there are a lot of conversations that people tend not to have because it's a conversation that goes a little bit deeper. Most conversations are , "Hi... How are you?", and it's implied that the answer should just be, "Fine". There are a lot of conversations that people don't tend to have because it makes life easier not to think too much about specific topics, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it. And that's one of the reasons--again, going back--that interested me in doing this blog. It's actually an attempt to restart the conversation and something that dares to go beyond the basic, "How are you?", and actually look for some kind of truth. That, in its own way, is a beautiful thing.


Truth?


Oh yeah.



Still rolling--that's good. Another question I normally ask is, what is your most beautiful attribute? It can be physical...or not. Or both! Whatever you think.


The physical attribute I've gotten told the most often would be my eyes, but if it was up to me, I would say it would not be physical, and I would go with my sense of adventure. I think that is my most beautiful attribute.



As far as physical beauty goes, do you have any hang-ups about your appearance that you've overcome?


Yeah....I mean, I definitely have physical hang-ups. I think everyone does. The biggest one would be that I was always a little on the chubbier side, and in the last year I've lost like 30 lbs., so that's probably....



I never would have guessed that.


I get that a lot, which is strange because for so long I was the funny, chubby kid. You know ,if life was a teen movie, I was the overweight best friend. I was the sweet funny character. That is what I did.



I'm trying to come up with a question that has to do with your being an actor, but I'm drawing a blank.


I've got something! So, truth and beauty, I feel , go hand in hand. There's beauty to truth, even if it's not an attractive truth. As long as it's something that's really true, I feel like it's got some degree of beauty to it. I like acting and theatre because I feel like, at its best, it's searching for moments of truth, and that is a beautiful thing. I definitely know that when I see something that's really beautiful, it strikes me as true, and if I see something that I feel is untruthful, regardless of its physical beauty, I'm completely unattracted to it. That extends itself into people too. The truth is easy. It's buoyant. Where as dishonesty is heavy, and you have to fight to keep it above water. When you let go of deception--of yourself or others--it's just so much easier. And the positivity in that--the lightness--can be really beautiful. You're free to express whatever or whoever you want to be, and I think that freedom can be beautiful as well. I think that everything positive is connected, and if you make the simple decision that you want to live life with beauty and truth and lightness and ease, it starts a domino effect, and that can't help but improve the world--as lofty as that sounds.



If you could change one thing about society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?



I would say that I'd like to see more flexibility. I feel that there's such a rigid idea of what's beautiful, and it changes. What's beautiful to society now is not what was beautiful a couple hundred years ago. And who knows, in another couple hundred years, what it will be. Kinda broaden the horizons a little bit. Like, if you're not blond with giant boobs, you can still be beautiful. I had a job in the fashion industry for a little while, and one day my job was to take pictures of models--not as professional photography--but to send off because they were trying to decide which model to use. It was the first time I had seen a bunch of models up close. So often they're held up as the epitome of beauty. They do have a strange kind of beauty about them , but I personally, didn't think a single one of them was attractive. I think it's strange that such an emphasis is placed on such a limited kind of beauty, and then that becomes the ideal that people are trying to match themselves to. I feel like without the fashion industry, those people might not be held up as beautiful. I think that's not what most people should be going for, and I discourage anyone from trying to be that.



Lastly, to take a note from one of our Michael Chekhov exercises, what are some things--off the top of your head--that you find beautiful?


Babies. Little babies? Adorable! Tiny little fingers, little fingernails--they're so small! It's amazing! And puppy dogs. I have to be dragged away from pet store windows, lest I break in and steal all the puppies and take them home with me. Natural beauty is a big one for me, and that's a little hard coming from California and living in New York now. New York's got a different kind of beauty. I feel it's a little harder to find. Natural beauty is more accessible. In California there's the rocky coast lines and the redwood trees and the fog rolling in off the ocean. That's gonna be beautiful either way. But at the same time, a full moon peeking out from behind a giant skyscraper can be its own kind of beautiful. It just depends on how you want to see it, because most everything can be beautiful if you want it to be.

I really do think it can be a conscious choice. You can just decide you want the world to be a beautiful place, and then you'll look for it. And because you're looking for it, you'll find it. And you'll find it in places that you didn't think you would find it. I can't put a specific moment on when I made that decision, but it was definitely within the last few years. I wasn't unhappy, but definitely not enjoying life as much as I am now, and part of it was just a decision that I was gonna enjoy it and it was gonna be beautiful. And now it is. When I see people who don't see beautiful things, it baffles me now. It seems so basic a thing to see a tree that's starting to bloom because it's Spring, and think that's beautiful. I can't imagine living life if you weren't able to enjoy the simple things that are beautiful....

Paintings. Sculptures. With art it's almost a physical reaction for me. I like playing the "wander-through-the-museum-and-pick-what-you-would-take-home" game. Walk into a room and see what jumps out at you, what's the first thing that smacks you across the face. Like, " Wow. I want THAT! Something about that says something about me, or connects with something in me". I think that's also part of beauty --the connection. And possibly connection to whoever made it. Somebody else thought that that was beautiful enough to make, so maybe it's a reaffirming of yourself and your feelings. It reconnects you to the human race at large. Theatre can do that too. Shakespeare is like that for me. That's why I love Shakespeare. It was written forever ago, and yet still it's like, this person who lived hundreds of years ago knows exactly how I feel. And I think maybe that's an aspect of beauty as well--the reconnecting and recognizing that other people have the same feelings.




The last beautiful thing that Morgan mentioned was actually prompted by me, based on his response when we had done this exercise with our theatre company. I distinctly remembered him mentioning baby ducks in free fall. Given that he's so well traveled and quite adventurous, I had to know if he had somehow witnessed this phenomenon in person. He had not, but he proceeded to share, in great and perfect detail, the tale of the baby ducks' first flight from the Planet Earth series. In the spirit of connection and the sharing of beauty that Morgan spoke of , I feel it fitting to leave you with a link to that very segment. Thank you, Morgan....

MAILE

"Her green plastic watering can
for her fake Chinese rubber plant
in the fake plastic earth....
that she bought from a rubber man
in a town full of rubber plans
to get rid of itself.
It wears her out. It wears her out."

- Fake Plastic Trees
by Radiohead

To me, truly good conversation is one of the most beautiful things we can experience with another human being. There's a reason we call it the art of conversation. This phrase often brings to mind an elegant little table by a sunlit window of a Parisian cafe', late in the afternoon, sipping espresso with a companion, discussing our latest thought provoking read, why our favorite films are such, or that brilliant guitarist that plays on the corner every Saturday night. Or perhaps sitting by the lake after a leisurely walk along the water, sharing deep rooted beliefs, fears, hopes, dreams, along with mindless chatter of new crushes and career frustrations, before admiring the breathtaking view. Yes, I may be pushing it a little, but a good discussion does exalt the mind and spirit --pleasing the senses on many levels. The perfect marriage of language and thought. Even though many of ours have taken place on noisy subway cars, through a series of emails, or via a garbled phone call courtesy of Skype -- this is how I feel about every conversation with Maile. That's not to say that every discussion offers such profound emotional intensity--but they are always enjoyable, always enlightening, and frequently offering some sort of wonderful and unexpected revelation for one, or both of us. Conversation at its finest.

It seems like our chats have been this way from the start, but in hindsight, I see a process or maybe more like a journey --not unlike Maile's continued journey to self-acceptance and hopefully (eventually) self love. Although I know she would have been flattered by the invitation, Maile never would have agreed to be a part of this blog a few years ago...at least, not unless she was made anonymous. I am truly honored that my little blog could be a stepping stone on her journey, and am delighted that she actually gave me her blessing to post her photo. She willingly let me snap away as we engaged in some extreme silliness during her most recent visit to NYC -- as you will soon read, yet another important stepping stone.

When I first broached the subject of the blog --yes, during one of our artful "A train" discussions-- Maile said yes, but nearly recanted almost immediately, with something to the effect of a doubtful, "I'll ramble. I'll be all over the place. I'll probably contradict myself." I told her that that was exactly why I asked her. That's honesty, and honesty is beautiful. It's a part of her journey,and journeys are often fraught with indecision, contradiction, and doubt. But it is through all that confusion that we learn to experience the fullness, growth, and ultimate joy of life in a much more fulfilling way. A way that allows us to discover and recognize the beauty that exists all around us...even in us. Beauty that is certainly in you, Maile.


What is beauty?

When I was young, I think I did what a lot of kids do -- compare myself to images on the tv and in magazines. In Hawaii, where I grew up, Asian girls proceeded to make themselves close to the perceived image of beauty--by perming and coloring our very straight hair and having surgery or sticking glue on our eyes to make them have a "double fold". All that aside, I knew I wasn't pretty based on any cultural standard of beauty. I wasn't thin like other Asian girls and didn't have a small oval face, rosebud lips, etc. I thought being beautiful was the key to happiness. When I studied fashion design in college, I learned that "Beauty" is all about proportion, symmetry, and flawlessness. (and that fashion is a business that tries to generate insecurity) But in college I also took art classes, and it was my salvation because drawing people was all about capturing individuality and not some idealized Greek proportion.

Now that I'm older, I realized I should have appreciated my youth and not been so obsessed with my appearance--which wasn't so bad. I didn't want to go to the beach in Hawaii (!) 'cause I felt too fat to be seen in a swimsuit...how stupid is that? (That's not to say that it's easy to withstand the criticism that comes with bearing the bulges...)

I think beauty is not just visual. What gives you joy is beautiful. Your cat, a great meal, a work of art, a piece of music, whatever.....



What is your most beautiful attribute and why? (This can be physical or otherwise...depending on how you read the question!)


Well. this might sound a bit sappy, but I think everybody's most beautiful attribute is the ability to make another person feel loved. People all need a little compassion, attention, and love. I'm not saying I'm good at doling out the TLC, but I'm working on being more attentive to my friends and relatives, and maybe giving a little joy with my art.....



Name one body image hang-up that you have overcome or are working on overcoming. How did you do it , or what are you doing to change how you feel about it?


I think I've gotten over a lot of things, although I think the critic in me will always be there. Someone once told me, "Your face is your gift to the world -- you should be more generous."

But now I've got no time to be obsessed with beauty. Forget being beautiful, it's more about what I want to do with my life and doing something meaningful. I try to say, "This is it! Try to be happy and healthy." A happy face is a beautiful face. I didn't let anyone take pictures of me in my 20's because I figured I was so unattractive. Now there's very little visual record of having existed. These days I let friends take photos, although I'm still wary of posting them online.



If you could change one thing about the current standards of beauty in our society, what would it be ?


I think the whole obsession with flawlessness has gotten way out of control. People are more and more plastic. And it's getting to children (as you previously mentioned). At least when I was young there were only magazines and tv. Now with the internet, millions of people scrutinize every bump, bulge, and wrinkle on a movie star's body (and what they are wearing). It's frightening. Film stars used to be older and balder and have larger noses. But now it's Nicole Kidman wearing a prosthetic nose....or maybe George Clooney can gain a few pounds. One good thing is that there's more ethnic diversity, but all the Asian actresses are flawlessly beautiful as well. I'm hoping the recession will make botox and plastic surgery less appealing....


It's great that you're having this discussion, Sara, even though I found this very difficult to do. It goes without saying --you're beautiful!