Sparks of Beauty - Take 2.....a series of sharing the "little things" I find to be extraordinary.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. "
                                                                                                           Theodor Geisel  (aka Dr. Seuss)
                                                                                                                                      

Twelve days may not sound like too significant a gap when measuring the length of time between blog posts, but when it comes to this “sparks of beauty” business, I assure you, I am slacking. Now before you go thinking that I’m being overly critical of myself or having unreasonable expectations – especially given the magnitude of  this  life transitioning of which I’m currently in the throes – let me clarify. I have a small journal filled with notes about things that have recently touched me in such a way that I can’t wait to pass along their beauty to anyone and everyone I am able. The fact this this is only post number 2 since coming up with this little series is disappointing , because as I mentioned in the previous entry, the true beauty to me, lies in sharing it. I’m certainly not complaining about having so many notes about such things – quite the opposite – but I do want to make it clear that I will follow through on this, and it’s my firm belief that each "spark" shared will be more than worth the wait to anyone who takes a look.

Case in point – Confessions: of a Funked Out Eye Candy Freak, by the incomparable LaLa Boom.  If I were to carry on a casual conversation about pieces of writing that have truly spoken to me in a very personal and meaningful way over the years, Confessions would easily be in the mix - to my mind and heart every bit as poignant as the works of the well known literary geniuses that constitute the rest of that list. I am fortunate enough to know Ms. Boom personally, which in my opinion ups my hip and mysterious cred as a writer, but I have no doubts that she would be on that same list of mine, whether we were friends or whether we were complete strangers. Talk about the beauty of truth ; her work is so personal, so uniquely her own, so very honest, it truly leaves me in awe each time I read it. Honesty of that caliber, where all that lies in the hearts of so many, never to be heard, is put forth in such a raw, shoot from the hip kind of way, is not an easy thing to offer. LaLa expresses that rawness in such a creatively clever way, she makes it seem like the world would be a better place if we all had the courage to express ourselves likewise. You may agree with her point of view, you may not, but either way, she will make no apologies, and keep on offering all that she has to offer. My only objection to anything regarding Confessions is how in the world she has managed to stay under the radar on a site like blogspot for so long. This woman should be published ; that’s all there is to it. Please do yourself a huge favor and check out this truly awesome site. I’m currently more down and out in the financial realm than I’d care to admit, but I would have no problem betting my rent check that you will be impressed with what you find there. It’s a privilege to share her work with you, and an honor to call her a friend. Now go….embrace your inner “funked out eye candy freak”. You won’t regret it.

Sparks of Beauty…..a series of sharing the “little things” I find to be extraordinary.

    
"Society exists only as a mental concept ; in the real world there are only individuals." 

                                                                                                      -Oscar Wilde

After all that talk of my new found writing fever, it appears I haven’t done a very good job of following through , given that my last post was written over a month ago.(gulp) But for maybe the first time in my life, I don’t feel guilty about it. I don’t feel like I started something new, only to leave it by the wayside to become an eventual part of online oblivion. I know, for once, that instead of fretting about not being able to accomplish what I initially thought I “should”, I have been preoccupied with exactly what I need to be doing to get back to truly living again. Actually,I’ll go a step further and say that I have been busy not merely getting back to living, but to beginning to live life in a fuller, more meaningful way than I ever have before. But just because I haven’t been blogging, that in no way means I haven’t been brainstorming, and taking notes, and writing what I feel inspired to, at a furious pace. Yes, “writer's fever” is definitely still intact ; I simply haven’t had the opportunity to give the proper attention to really dig into many of the ideas and musings I eventually hope to share.

In my frequent jotting down of random thoughts, ideas, experiences, etc, I’ve noticed that while I do have some notes of inspiration recounting some of the “bigger" things that have recently proved meaningful to me, it’s those smaller discoveries, those simple everyday experiences, that have the ability to make me feel alive in a way I’ve never felt before. I’ve said it many times, and I’ll keep on saying it – there is so much beauty to be found, even in the midst of great adversity, and I’m so grateful that I have been fortunate enough to really see it, especially in those quietly extraordinary ways.

It’s with that inspiration in mind that I decided I’d like to try a little different type of blog posting, in which I don’t say too much, but simply offer a “link” if you will – both figuratively and literally – to those bursts of beauty that have moved me to take notice of them in a unique way. Whether bringing a friend’s personal brand of creativity to light for a wider audience, sharing a photo of a scene that stirred my senses while passing it on any given day, or recounting an experience that spoke to me in some poignant way or was simply a lot of fun – it’s my hope that whatever is shared will provide the reader with at least a sampling of the inspiration that was brought to me.

So without further ado, I’ll get the sharing started by offering a site link to the wonderfully unique artwork of a dear friend of mine.  My reason for choosing to share the artwork of Carlos Delgado goes far beyond his obvious talent and my personal taste with regard to visual art – that’s merely the baseline. The sheer passion and open honesty with which he expresses himself seems to shine through every brush stoke, every pencil line. Though fortunate enough to have been employed by a world renowned art museum for several years, I admittedly have a limited knowledge of painting, printmaking, sculpting, etc,when it comes to proper technique. I’d like to think my appreciation and interest makes up for my lack of “skill” in this arena, but the fact remains that even my stick figures leave much to be desired in the realm of accuracy and pleasure to the eye.  But art - any form of creativity and expression – is personal. I normally do my best to steer clear of "shoulds" and "shouldn’ts", but this is definitely an exception where I feel it appropriate to say it should be personal, if it is to be truly beautiful. What good is any form of expression, if it’s merely a carbon copy, going along with the crowd or conforming to what “critics” may say is acceptable? To me, even if something is clearly striking at first glance, it's the level of honesty and individuality shining through that take it to the next level, taking hold of my senses and giving me a different perspective and openness to it, that I hadn’t initially possessed . The ability to instill an appreciation and awareness of something other than my own way of looking at the world will never cease to be beautiful in my eyes. That’s where I believe the true beauty of sharing lies, and it never fails to render me speechless at impact.

So regardless of anyone’s personal preference, there’s no denying that Carlos’s work possesses that quality in a very special way. Reading his biographic page alone exemplifies that fact. It’s my hope that you’ll take a look for yourself to get a taste of that firsthand. And of course, any of you that know me personally have an open invitation to stop by my soon - to- be new home in the coming months and take a look at a particular project of his that will be taking up a place of honor on my coffee table – an “autographed” copy of the second edition of Swipe Magazine of which is his an editor and contributor. Maybe one day its value to me will be matched by the art world. Few would deserve that more.

CARLOS DELGADO :   http://www.carlosdelgadoart.com/

LAURA

"This above all : to thine own self be true."

-William Shakespeare

From the moment a mutual friend relayed the message that Laura was interested in being interviewed for my blog, I was excited. Not only was this a young woman raised in a completely different culture from my own, but this was also someone I didn't really know on a personal level, and thus, had no idea what she was going to say. I knew she had an opinion about the topic in general, but as far as beauty's role in her personal life, your guess was as good as mine. I've often been told that I'm pretty perceptive when it comes to other people and what they're all about, so it wasn't shocking to me when my impression of Laura - from the few times we had spoken in passing - as self-assured, self-confident, and comfortable in her own skin, turned out to be pretty accurate. But that's where my intuition ended, and assumptions began. Assumptions that I realize, I make quite often when people appear to be content with themselves and their lives. I automatically assume that this contentment is due to something they have, something they possess. Surely she wouldn't feel so confident if she were single, or surely he wouldn't be that content if he hadn't landed that big acting gig. Significant others, the number of friends, a gorgeous apartment, a successful business - the list goes on and on, and it's fraught with seeking the approval of others. What Laura's interview helped me to realize, is that despite my firm belief that one's physical appearance cannot make someone happy, I still seem to have this silly assumption that these other "things" are equated with one's level of self-worth, so a person can't be truly self-confident unless other people give them a reason to be so. In a nutshell, this way of thinking is essentially eliminating the "self" and equating worth with approval - which is, ironically, the same issue I'm working to combat with this blog,regarding our society's ridiculous viewpoint and standard of beauty. The way we are told to view beauty could also be considered one of those "things" that if attained, will equal contentment.

But Laura doesn't fit that assumption. Her self-worth comes from herself. That's not to say that all those other factors can't add to one's happiness in life - of course they can. But I think Laura said it best when she spoke of having only herself to rely on, and realizing that if she didn't take care of that, everything else would be lost. To me, that's like saying, " How can you truly enjoy life, if you don't like the person living it?". She not only forced me into realization regarding these assumptions, but also into the realization that maybe because life hasn't been treating me very favorably recently, I, in turn, haven't been appreciating and treating myself very well either. Yes, there are times when other people and extenuating circumstances are going to have an effect on how you feel, and may make you more susceptible to a decline in self-worth. But what we have to remember is, what someone else thinks about you, your job, your talent, etc, changes nothing about who you are deep inside and how very much you are worth.


This year has been a rough one for me, and as far as hopes and dreams go, there have been so many times I've wanted to throw in the towel. Many sleepless nights are fraught with questions : Did I really go through 14 years of battling and recovering from something that almost killed me, for this?..... If I'm really capable of achieving my career goals, why am I still working the same old part time jobs?....If so many people really do care about me, why do I feel so very alone?....But although it may not have been in the literal sense, I, like Laura, have taken some time to study myself, disregard what life has been telling me, and look deep inside to see what I'm really made of. Though I've been able to feel a little better in those moments, the contentment is fleeting, and it takes a great deal of work to be able to get back to that point on a day when I'd give just about anything to swap lives with any carefree girl that passes me on the street. But I will say, the more I've succeeded in doing so, the more moments like watching the sunset over the East River, or lying on a beautiful beach with one of my best friends ,or getting a hug from someone I love, have helped me to see that yes, despite everything, this battle HAS been worth it. I've been able to take heart that while I may only be working part-time jobs right now, every little step I take towards where I'd like my career to go, is clearly taking me closer and closer to the goal I desire - I just need to practice a little more patience and be more appreciative of the progress that's already being made. And lastly, I've been able to see that those people in my life who care about me, really do love me more than I ever realized. I've simply been blind to it because I haven't been taking the time to love myself.

So in addition to thanking Laura for all her wisdom and insight about beauty, and beauty in other cultures as well, I would also like to thank her for helping me take the time to ignore all the negative noise of the outside world, and take a moment to really look inward. It's certainly no piece of cake, but I'm working to keep those blinders off, and it's my hope that all of you will do the same. Imagine the beauty we might experience, if we can first find the beauty within ourselves.



So, I think the first question I want to ask you is - you said that you've read a few of the blogs and...


I just browsed through them.


What was it about reading them, or what was it about the topic that made you want to be interviewed?

Well, you know - I think the concept of beauty is one of those things that's been profited from in this culture, and I think it's a very dangerous thing that it's being profited from. I think it's interesting to hear what other people have to say about it, without having some kind of commercial interest behind it. Like, I notice that everybody whom I meet who hasn't done some investing in their own development as a person - their concepts about what's beautiful or who they think is beautiful, are very prepackaged, very boring. And as a visual artist, I'm very interested in beauty. I always have been....but sort of my version of what's beautiful.


Okay- well, I was going to ask you this anyway, but what you just said was the perfect lead-in. It's like it was scripted! I was going to ask you - what is your version of beauty? What is beauty, to you?


I think beauty is....I would say it's that, which can be absolutely anything, that's pleasing and intriguing to the eye, but also it's stimulating to the other senses - so like, the rest of you. Beauty is the most ambiguous thing there is. To me, one of the most relieving things that I've ever read in my life was "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." To me, that was the greatest relief ever. But, you know, it's true. It's the most ambiguous concept. I hope that makes sense.


It totally makes sense. And the funny thing is, your definition of "beauty", if you look it up in the Merriam Webster's dictionary, it's almost word for word what you said. There are several definitions, but that's the first and foremost definition. I use it as part of the blog, so you really hit the nail on the head!



I haven't looked it up! See why I didn't look it up?!



I know, I know. But to me, that says you have a really healthy and wonderful perception of beauty, because I guess you understand what it really means....more than a lot of people do, I think.



Where I grew up in Santo Domingo, somebody who looks like me wouldn't be necessarily so beautiful, because beauty had a very colonialist ideal behind it. Since I was a little girl, I've always been a bit rebellious, so I always kinda felt like - okay, you're b.s.-ing me...I don't believe you. But you know - I've probably been called ugly more than most people I know, right?


Really?!


Yes, but it's because they were not looking at me. They were looking at my skin color,they were looking at my features, they were looking at the fact that I didn't straighten my hair. And that pointed out that coming from a post-colonialist environment, you have to - if you look like me, you have to sort of realize that that conception of beauty is just one conception of it. And it's just a conception that was created to make a profit, right? So to survive, to have self-esteem - you have to realize that. Luckily for me, I kind of realized that early, because otherwise, I would end up like a lot of people I know from back home who - you know - we're brown, we have brown eyes, but they were always looking for things they don't have....like contact lenses, or you have to dye your hair, straighten your hair. I always try to tell my friends, you have to embrace the way you are and find beauty in it, not the other way around. But that culture is geared towards making you do it the other way around. So, when I got here, it's not a colonialist or a post-colonialist mindset of beauty, but it's a corporate, capitalistic mindset of beauty, which is similar.


It's in a different way, but has the same effect.


Yeah. Beauty is never an inward gaze. It's the outward gaze that tells you how you have to look. That's not cool.



No, it's not....So, I don't know how long you've been here, but in terms of people calling you "ugly", or saying that they didn't think you were beautiful in your home town - I've had similar experiences with people saying things to me, for different reasons, when I was growing up. It affected my self-esteem, and some of those things, I carry with me to this day. Did that affect you permanently too? Do you still have physical hang-ups about yourself? And if you don't, what do you think it was that helped you get over them?



That's a good question. You know, I don't think I have physical hang-ups so much,because - it's strange - I always had a hard time relating to other people. I think visually, I'm left handed, all kinds of little things that make me sort of try to go the other way, naturally. And I would spend a lot of time on myself ,alone. As a child, I liked being alone. It was kinda weird for other people, but I think I overcame the whole thing of what other people thought about me because I would just spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror and - it's bizarre. Just looking at myself in the mirror and imagining things, or like really, really observing myself and trying to get rid of everything that I was being told. At first, I would see the Disney cartoons, and I would fantasize -like, "Oh, I want to be the Little Mermaid!" - that was my big thing. But then I realized - there's absolutely no way I can look like that woman. Like, no way. So, you start discovering things about yourself that you like. Like, I like my ability of drawing things that I wanted, of creating things. I guess at some point - I don't remember exactly which point - I started looking at other women of color that had asserted their blackness, the part of them that's black. That's an issue in the colonialist structure - not being black. And that just made me feel like, "Okay, I'm not crazy - they agree with it." You don't have to be white to be pretty, basically. Even though I don't have anything against how white people can be pretty too. Let's settle that now. My boyfriend is as white as it gets. But I think that I sort of overcame it by going more and more into my shell - which is pretty strange, but it didn't make me react to certain things. It made me strongly reject certain aspects of Dominion culture. It made me strongly reject certain sexist aspects of that culture even faster, because I felt that they rejected me to begin with, and I rejected Dominion religious practices very strongly. I just sort of disassociated from that environment entirely,to the point where I had like one friend. But at least I didn't end up having serious issues like everybody else had - issues with weight and what have you. But I don't know...I sort of have this weird thing of just looking at myself and being happy with how I look. It's bizarre.


It's not bizarre. I think it's really admirable. So, you never - I mean, I'm sure you have bad days too....



I mean, I've had bad times when I've had ...I've been close to having some eating problems, but I think it had more to do with brusque change of environment when I came to New York. It never got to the point where it was life threatening, I never ended up in the hospital, you know what I mean? And I realized that what I was doing was counterproductive - let's put it that way. It wasn't benefiting me. It wasn't even wanting to, it was more like, I have to stop, because at that point, I sort of only had myself to rely on, and if I messed up myself, then I really wasn't gonna have anything. My family did not live here, so when I came, it really got to the point where it....all you had is yourself, and you have to take care of that, because you don't have money, you don't have relatives. You're literally down to number one here. If you mess that up, everything is done. So, that was the Midas cure for me.



That's really interesting....Okay, so we've established that you've come to point where you generally feel good about yourself. If you had to pick something, what would you say is your most beautiful attribute? And you can say more than one. It can be something physical, or it can be something that has to do with who you are as a person....



My most beautiful attribute...uh....see there, that's a difficult one! Everything else was easy.



Ooooo....I'm like the Barbara Walters of blog interviews.



No, no - that's good! What do I like most about myself physically? I like how angular my face is. It gives me some severity when I need it - I love it. It's kind of elegant, but it can be severe, if I need to be. So, I would say I like that. I like being long all over. It's good. Um....inside attribute that I like about myself? I like the fact that I can become introspective, -as a way of dealing with everything - when I need to be. Like if nothing is working out, I can just walk around and fantasize, and I can just be happy without the aid of anything else, you know what I mean? I learned how to do that. I would recommend to everybody - that's good to learn. Yeah, I guess that's what I like most.


Very good. Let's see...This is sort of backtracking a little. I should've asked you this earlier. When you were talking about feeling that you were not looked upon favorably -because of dark skin and curly hair - in Santo Domingo, you said that the general views on beauty were similar, yet different, from those in the United States. Being someone with darker skin in the states - have you run into different issues regarding perceptions of beauty? I guess what I'm asking is, how are the standards different, and how are they similar?


Well, it's different because here now with...what's going on in advertising is that women who look like me - taller, brown, they got big hips, and the whole...everything else - they're hypersexualized. So, I've had a lot of experiences of people who just look at me, and they see the way I am, and to them, that's a guide that I'm hypersexualized too. Not true regarding them. So, you know, I have that experience. There is sort of a variety of canons of what beauty is here. It's a little bit more diverse because there are a lot of different ethnic groups, so they all bring their own version of what beauty is. But there's - of course - that obsession with you are either model thin or you're very voluptuous....that now has become acceptable here, but it's embraced by a very specific culture. Like, I see African American and Latin people embrace that, but so much of maybe...corporate Caucasian Americans, European Americans, are not so into that. It's very localized. I've had all kinds of experiences of feeling exoticized somewhat. I once had this customer at the store, and this woman - she was a Caucasian woman in her middle age - she touched my hair, and she said "You have such a beautiful face...I wish I could sculpt you!" I've had experiences like that...and uglier experiences here. But back home it's more of....Europeans go there because they want really dark-skinned women, but Dominican guys are like, " Oh, white!". It's doesn't matter what you really look like. If you are white, and you've got straight hair, and you dye it blond - you're like "Wow". It doesn't matter how you look otherwise. The craziest thing is, if you're walking around and they think you look good - even if you look like me which is like, you can't be blond of you look like me - they'll call you "blond" because that means "good looking". It's creepy.



Really?! That's so interesting....wow. That's a lot to think about.



If you go to Santo Domingo, they'll scream "Blond!" right away.* It doesn't matter. If you're good looking, you're blond.


(*It should be noted that I have dark brown hair.)



That's mind boggling to me. I never knew that.....So, you've mentioned that you're a visual artist, which I guessed because of where you work, and I know that you have a great interest in art. Do you think that having that interest and that experience has helped you have a more positive, healthier perspective on beauty?


I think so, because to be a good visual artist - and I do a lot of different media. Right now, I'm doing sculpture mainly, just to give an idea of what kinds of things I do - you have to challenge yourself. It's a race against yourself. You can't compare yourself to other artists because you're doing completely different things most of the time. One of my challenges that I've put on myself since I was fairly young, was to express that which I thought was truly, truly beautiful, truly interesting to me. Not what canons support or what other people would find interesting. Like whenever I make something, I don't make it to sell. Unless I'm making a present, I really don't care whether other people are gonna find it beautiful or frightening or whatever. Which has happened - the frightening part. It's just...I've always had this very silly goal in life. Like, it sounds silly and corny to other people, but my whole goal in life is to be happy. People always tell me, "Oh, what do you wanna do?"...I just wanna be happy, and that means you have to be flexible, you have to be open, but you also have to keep track, check of yourself, of how you're doing, what you're doing. A big part of being an artist is to be able to have the initiative to explore parts of yourself that might scare you, that might bring out intense emotion, to really communicate that which is unique about your experience and your time, because otherwise, you're just another person who knows how to use art supplies, you know?


Wow. Very cool. So, this is kind of a loaded question too, but if you could change one thing about the current standard of beauty in our society - like, the starting point - what do you think it would be?



I would most like to change the whole thing about being either blond or like, a defined brunette. I would like to see people embrace more their natural hair color. I like natural hair color. I can always tell when people dye it, usually. I just...I would like to see people embrace their natural eye color, their natural pigmentation in general. I also hate fake tans. They're hideous. I think that's a big part of embracing yourself - just realizing that the way you are, as a package naturally, is the best palette for you. When you bring an outside element, you're disturbing the color palette, usually. Some people do it for fun, and that's okay. If that is what they're really happy doing, go for it! But I have friends that...I don't know what their natural hair color is. For me, some people will tell me, " Oh, you should brighten up something here and there...", because everything on me is brown, different shades of brown. But that is the way I am. That's the color palette that works best. Or even people who have grays. I wanna see grays. I like grays. They're nice. Dyed grays - not that nice. It's bizarre, but I've been thinking about this the past few weeks...I've been looking at like the older you get, the more veins show, the more marks you get, but you kind of start looking tree-like. You know how trees have that sort of texture and stillness? Trees have this way of sort of being sensuous when they're old. Like, the older you get, if people actually embrace getting older, they'll eventually look sensuous in the same way a tree does. If they don't, they might end up looking like some of my customers. They have a lot of plastic surgery, where they become unrecognizable compared to the person they used to be. I said it was kinda weird, but....


No, I like it. Anything else you'd like to add?



It's just sort of a reflection that, you know, the more you embrace finding your own things which you find beautiful -the more you enjoy life. Being able to actually contemplate life, I think, helps you live it a little better. I don't know how to meditate or anything, but just looking at the beautiful things that we're being presented to as beautiful every day, are not really calming. I would say, even if somebody feels great about how they look , and they fit the prototype of what's beautiful in this culture, it might be a sort of rewarding and... like growth... experience, enriching experience, to just take a moment to just look at something which you find beautiful, and nobody else told you was beautiful, and just really embrace it and look at it. Or if you like music, listen to it....touch it, if touching is your thing. At the rhythm in which we live now, I think it's a really important thing for me to do. I do it all the time to calm myself down. It might be beneficial for other people to do it as well.


Now I want to ask you another question!


Go for it!


What are some of those things that lead you to do that? Just curious....


Like right now, we're sitting in this restaurant, and I'm looking at the red glasses with the candles in them, and the way the light reflects on the brick - to me that's very calming and beautiful. It could be literally anything. We go back to the beginning of the description of beauty, like it's such an ambiguous thing. That could be the way the dirt piles on a heater that has chipped up paint. It could be the way piano notes follow each other. Or it could just be looking at somebody, and looking at their hands, or looking at somebody's skin texture. Let's say, going to the park with me is kind of a trip. I stop and look at stuff and touch it. Stuff, not people. But, you know, just sort of find your own things. That's the main idea - it could literally be anything. When I'm really, really, really upset, I just look at a piece of wall, and look at the way the light hits and how it diffuses, and it calms me down. To you, it might be looking at your iPod , you know?


Well, I don't have an iPod, but music is definitely one of those things for me....and I like soft, red light a lot too. Good stuff, Laura.

RAINA

"I'll be your mirror - reflect what you are, in

case you don't know......"

-I'll Be Your Mirror by the Velvet Underground


It's difficult to imagine that anything can be the least bit enjoyed, or even appreciated, in the darkest moments of our lives. But for me, no matter how fleeting the feeling, music has always had the ability to bring a tear to my eye, love to my heart, and goosebumps to my arms. Even if it was a catalyst for me to give a sort of unspoken voice to the feelings I was unable to utter aloud- music was that rare escape from the seemingly inescapable, that eventually got me through . For as far back as I can remember, it has been inseparable from life itself. My mom always loved to tell the story about me (attempting) to sing along to the Oak Ridge Boys' "Elvira" from my car seat, when I was less than a year old. Music has taken my joy to unknown heights when life is treating me well, and allowed me to fully experience pain, grief, and ultimately healing, in times when it is not. So much knowledge has been gained through the beauty of song. Whether learning about the Civil War through the wonderful musical, Shenandoah, in the fifth grade, or realizing that sometimes a grown woman just needs to jump around in her underwear to some Jack White on electric guitar - music has, and continues to teach me. It also happens to be that very connection to music that sparked my friendship with Raina.

We both began working at a world famous museum here in New York at about the same time, several years ago. We must have had nearly identical schedules because every day when it came time to make my way down to the cafeteria for lunch, there was Raina, with her whimsically funky clothing and a quiet, yet curious demeanor. We never spoke. A couple years later, I switched departments and transferred to a different branch of the museum, at a completely different location. As I was led on a tour of the building on my very first day of work- lo and behold : There was Raina, working in the bookshop. We began to make small talk every now and then in the lunch line, but those encounters were few and far between. Another year or so passed, and I took a new position that had me frequently manning the admissions desk...which just so happens to be right next door to the bookshop. According to Raina, the laughter and silliness coming from that desk and echoing throughout the Main Hall were so enticing that she just couldn't resist coming out to visit and trying to get in on the fun. The more she visited, the more we got to chatting. And the more we got to chatting, the more we began to bond over our love of music. We went to a couple of concerts together, giddily shared our tales of separate concert going experiences, burned some cd's for each other, and somewhere in there, realized that we had become friends. Real friends.

Over the past year or so, we've really opened up to each other and have been there to help each other through some extremely trying times. I remember when I first began to talk with her about my past - and current- insecurities and personal struggles, Raina was shocked. To her I seemed so self-confident and self-assured. Strong and independent. Positive and happy. She never would have known about the battles going on inside if I hadn't told her. It's funny because I felt the exact same way about her. I never would've guessed that Raina had had even one insecurity in her life - or at least not in her adult life. I would normally be quick to attribute this to the fact that we both tend to be somewhat of people pleasers, who prefer sucking it up and putting on a happy face to ruffling a few feathers. But while we may do this with others from time to time, when dealing with each other, I don't believe that's the case at all. The Velvet Underground song quoted above expresses it beautifully. I believe that Raina and I have and continue to be each other's mirrors when we are blinded to the beauty within ourselves. We genuinely are self-assured, positive, and happy around each other, because that's the reflection that's bouncing back to each of us. It's like the old, "I'm rubber, you're glue." equation. All the wonderful things I see in Raina are reflected back at her when she looks at me, and vice versa. We bring out the best in each other - silliness, creativity, honesty, fun, individuality, confidence, true friendship, and love.

As I've mentioned before, my own mirror has been a bit cloudy this year, and I've often struggled to find any beauty - inward or outward - in that reflection. But when I'm able to see myself through Raina's eyes, I like what I see and am proud to be the woman I've become. In many of my darkest moments, Raina has been there, being my mirror and reflecting who I really am, until I'm strong enough to be able to see it for myself. I hope she knows that I will always be a friend, and will always be here to do the same for her. And the reflection that she sees when I do, will be absolutely beautiful.


So,the first question I want to ask you is- other than the fact that we're friends and you're interested in what I do, etc., what was it about the blog that made you want to be a part of it? I believe you came to me a while back and said that you'd like to do it.....

Yeah, I did come to you, and I remember you said that you were afraid to ask me. That's very funny. I don't know... I think it's an interesting blog that you're doing. I've always considered myself like...not your standard beauty. I always thought that....I don't know. How do I not sound...I just thought I had something to offer people that was sort of beyond just being the pretty girl. I've had so many insecurities. I still feel insecure - you've heard about them. But it's just that there's more to...I mean, there's no way to say it without cliches, but there's more to beauty than what's skin deep. I try to stay true to myself and what I think is beautiful, and I also appreciate beauty. Not everybody does. They appreciate what beauty represents, but I try to appreciate it in its myriad form. I don't know if any of that made sense.....


Totally. This isn't my interview, so I shouldn't be talking, but what you said about feeling like despite your insecurities, you knew you had something to offer -I've always gotten that from you. I've always felt you were comfortable with yourself, but I know from what you've shared with me, lately you've had more insecurities regarding your physical appearance than you had in the past. I do normally ask a question about physical hang-ups and how you're working to get over them, but I'd also be interested to know if you had any before these current issues? What was that like, and how did you get over them?

Well, what we're talking about currently is that I've been having weight issues that I don't feel great about. I realized - this is a weird thing - I realized that part of what freaks me out, especially when I see pictures of myself, is that I look like my aunt, who was always much heavier...and my father too, because that's the heavy side of the family. So, it just goes to show that your hang-ups have so nothing to do with reality. Nobody knows my aunt. Nobody thinks poorly of her. But when I have some weight in my face, I'm like, "Oh my god, I look just like them!", and I don't really get along with that side of the family, so I realized that was part of it and was like, "Alright - this is ridiculous."

Before that, I didn't have weight issues as much, although you've seen my family and my sisters. My little sister is tall and super skinny and super beautiful, and I was always convinced that I was ugly and that no one would ever love me. My teeth are really crooked, and I don't have a pretty smile. That was the main hang-up when I was younger. I broke my teeth and then I had these temporaries - it was this whole thing. My teeth have been a source of problems forever and my little sister was somehow born with beautiful, straight teeth. So, that was the main thing - my teeth. And I used to wear glasses. It sounds cheesy, but I did get a lot of confidence when I started wearing contacts. A huge part of that is because then you can wear sunglasses, and I defy you to not feel better about yourself when you're wearing sunglasses. It's like, "I'm cool. I'm wearing sunglasses." I remember being little, and all I wanted to do was wear them, and I couldn't because I had my glasses on. I had terrible glasses, and I had terrible clothes. I had bad skin for a long time too, and that was a source of angst. I didn't know what my body was and how to dress it. I had no sense of anything. In high school, there were no dates. There were no anything,cause I just didn't know! And I have crazy, curly, frizzy hair that I didn't know how to deal with. It was mostly just kind of like , I grew up and figured out how to deal with what I had. These are things that maybe a lot of people learned younger than I did. I think I just learned it later than everybody else.


I think I was pretty much in the same boat as you.

Were you? I think I told you this, but my mom never wore a bra, never tweezed her eyebrows, put make-up on -none of that stuff. So, one of my friends taught me about tweezing my eyebrows, and taught me all this girly stuff, and would buy me bras and things like that. I actually needed someone to take me by the hand and be like, " These are girly things, and this is how you do them." Some people, I think their moms do that, but not my mom. I mean, I understand why, and I would never want to push that on a daughter - but on the other hand, they're kind of things that you do have to learn. You aren't born understanding these things, and you'll feel better about yourself in the long run if you know how to make yourself feel better about yourself.


So, you talked about appreciating beauty in general...what would you say beauty is to you? How would you define it?

I think- based on our experience- it's laughter. It really is. That, I think, is my favorite thing - to make people laugh. This may sound selfish, but I love that I can always go out to the desk and tell you something, and it'll make you laugh. You have a wonderful laugh, and I'll hear it across the room...and then we'll get way giggly and silly. In my worst moments, the thing that I feared the most was that I'd lost that sense of silliness and giggliness, cause that's my favorite thing in the world. And also just people being unique. There's a humor about life and people's outlook of humor on life. I can't help but appreciate them and find them beautiful. And then, you know - David Bowie. Anything Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll and humor. I think Rock and Roll is humor, and that's maybe why I like it...cause at its heart it's sort of laughing at main stream culture and things like that.

What do you think is your most beautiful attribute? And it can physical or non-physical....or both!

Well, I said before that my favorite thing is making someone laugh, and that's what I like. So that, and physically, I've always liked my hands and my eyes. But I've grown to like my hair too. I used to hate my hair. I wanted straight, Jennifer Aniston hair, and I had crazy, curly, frizzy. And then I embraced the crazy, curly, frizzy.


What do you think made you embrace the crazy, curly, frizzy?

Because it's what I have. And I mean, I can't work a blow dryer. I can't do these girly things. I'm not gonna go and get it straightened every day. I think that's a lot of what growing older and becoming more comfortable with myself was - not fighting things. And that's with a lot of things. You can put yourself in this boat with people who don't look at all like you and don't have any of your physical characteristics, but if you sort of embrace your own physical characteristics, you'll feel a lot more confident. It took me a long time, but I started to feel better about those things.


We were talking about feeling like you might not have had the right "guidance" growing up - in terms of feeling confident about yourself. I know it's a loaded topic, but do have any thoughts about what you feel might be a healthier way to approach this with children? Any children really, but especially little girls.....

Definitely. I mean, my mom was trying to go the other way. We weren't allowed to have Barbies. She was trying to be very, "You don't have to conform yourself to this idea of beauty"....but I think there has to be a balance. I had older sisters, but they were a lot older. It was my older sister that told my mom I had to get a bra, cause I didn't want to ask. It sounds silly to say, but maybe some sort of mentoring. I think that's important. Women to take each other under their wings. I was talking about how my friend took me under her wing with that type of stuff. The worst thing to me is cattiness between women. I'm all about the solidarity, or at least I try to be. But I think that's the best way - if there's a woman that can help a younger woman. And I've thought about it a lot. If I have children, if i have girls - I hate the princess thing. It drives me crazy. I was at my friend's house - I don't even think she knows this is there. Probably someone gave it to her daughter - but there were Disney Princess books, and one of them was something like, " My Perfect Wedding". It was all about planning the perfect wedding. I was like, "In god's name, what would a three year old ...why should they care about this in any way?!" So those types of things really piss me off. I was raised with trucks and...well, I had My Little Ponies, but that's because my mom was a horse person.
I just don't think you need to raise girls with the whole princess thing. But you do need the balance. Once they hit adolescence, they're gonna need guidance because it's confusing. You're becoming a woman, you're having these wacky feelings, having things grow, and you don't know what to do with it. And my mom was kind of there for me in that, but not really. And I think adolescence is probably where most issues arise or take place.


Something that I found out about you fairly recently, is that you like to paint. Actually, you're quite good at painting. You also know more about music than just about anyone I know. I have friends who are musicians, or were music majors, or just obsessed with music their whole lives -but no one seems to be as knowledgeable about music across the board, as you are. Do you think that this affinity for beauty in creative or artistic things has allowed you to be more confident in yourself, because perhaps you see a more well rounded aspect of beauty?

That's totally true, and I don't think it's a coincidence that I work at a museum, and that I've worked there as long as I have. Art and music and creative expression have been really important. Once you really find music...I'll talk about David Bowie a lot , but I think he's a really important person cause he really expanded ideas of sexuality, what a person looks like, what a musician looks like, what a pop star looks like. Madonna has talked about how much he influenced her. I mean, he has so much confidence because he was like, " What I'm doing is really awesome.", and all you need is that confidence and then people will believe it. People who are obsessed with a shallow idea of beauty don't usually have a very extensive interest in things beyond, "Oh, that's a nice Monet painting." I don't like narrow mindedness. With music, I don't have just one genre that I'll listen to. I'll listen to anything,and I'll give it a chance. I'll say I like anything, as long as it's good. And so with art and with everything- to me, that's the only way to appreciate beauty. Just to be open to it. It's about opening the circle instead of closing the circle. It's hard not to have pre-judgements, but I try to be open to things. I mean,tonight we're going to see a white rapper from LA...why not?!


Alright, if you could change one thing about the current standard of beauty in today's society, what would it be?

There are so many things. I mean, the weight issue is probably the biggest thing. But just coming from personal feelings, I've always felt I was very weird looking because my teeth weren't perfect, and I think that's an American thing. Oh, and this pisses me off - when you read something about Kirsten Dunst, they refer to her as the snaggle tooth actress.

I've never noticed that.

I couldn't tell you what was wrong with her teeth. I think she's absolutely gorgeous. Snaggle tooth? I mean, it's the same thing - that everything has to be conformed to this very specific, very perfect idea of beauty, and it doesn't work. All it does is just screw people up. The funny thing is, as much as I've found that I don't conform to that standard, it doesn't bother people. People still like me for me. Recently, I've had the weight thing, but it hasn't affected whether or not people find me attractive or want to be around me. So, it's all just personal. You put it on yourself. Generally, when I'm myself, people respond favorably - and I just need to relax.


Any other thoughts you'd like to share?

The one thing I wanted to say is that I know you always put a little quote with your posts, and I was thinking about this - you know the Velvet Underground song "I'll Be Your Mirror"? I was thinking about that. Thinking about how I'm feeling all heavier than I've ever been, but like, everyone except for me doesn't care. If people are responding to you, then they're responding to you, and you shouldn't second guess that. I hate it when I do that about myself. We all do that about ourselves...but just sort of trust it. Listen to Lou Reed! I just felt that if I put myself out there- you know that phrase, "warts and all"- and then people respond favorably to that, I sort of know that it's real. That they really are responding favorably. That's why I believe so much in honesty and not putting up this facade. In some ways, it's freeing that I didn't feel like the pretty girl, and that I knew people had to like me for me. That gave me a weird confidence. When you know that people like you just because they like you, you feel much more comfortable around them, and you don't question things as much. I mean, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my everything on my sleeve. It's just...it's out there. And that's that.



Shortly after this interview, I received an email from my mom regarding this amazing fifth grade chorus and their teacher from PS22 in Staten Island. They had been featured on Nightline a few evenings prior, and to quote my mom, "As a teacher, I'm inspired. As a human being...I just want to be better." My mom happens to be my fifth grade teacher - the very teacher I mentioned early on in this post, who definitely solidified for me, the power music has to touch lives. After reading the article she had attached, and watching a few of their videos in utter amazement, youtube led me to this beautiful cover of what else..."I'll Be Your Mirror". Music has, and continues to teach me, indeed.....

MAILE

"Her green plastic watering can
for her fake Chinese rubber plant
in the fake plastic earth....
that she bought from a rubber man
in a town full of rubber plans
to get rid of itself.
It wears her out. It wears her out."

- Fake Plastic Trees
by Radiohead

To me, truly good conversation is one of the most beautiful things we can experience with another human being. There's a reason we call it the art of conversation. This phrase often brings to mind an elegant little table by a sunlit window of a Parisian cafe', late in the afternoon, sipping espresso with a companion, discussing our latest thought provoking read, why our favorite films are such, or that brilliant guitarist that plays on the corner every Saturday night. Or perhaps sitting by the lake after a leisurely walk along the water, sharing deep rooted beliefs, fears, hopes, dreams, along with mindless chatter of new crushes and career frustrations, before admiring the breathtaking view. Yes, I may be pushing it a little, but a good discussion does exalt the mind and spirit --pleasing the senses on many levels. The perfect marriage of language and thought. Even though many of ours have taken place on noisy subway cars, through a series of emails, or via a garbled phone call courtesy of Skype -- this is how I feel about every conversation with Maile. That's not to say that every discussion offers such profound emotional intensity--but they are always enjoyable, always enlightening, and frequently offering some sort of wonderful and unexpected revelation for one, or both of us. Conversation at its finest.

It seems like our chats have been this way from the start, but in hindsight, I see a process or maybe more like a journey --not unlike Maile's continued journey to self-acceptance and hopefully (eventually) self love. Although I know she would have been flattered by the invitation, Maile never would have agreed to be a part of this blog a few years ago...at least, not unless she was made anonymous. I am truly honored that my little blog could be a stepping stone on her journey, and am delighted that she actually gave me her blessing to post her photo. She willingly let me snap away as we engaged in some extreme silliness during her most recent visit to NYC -- as you will soon read, yet another important stepping stone.

When I first broached the subject of the blog --yes, during one of our artful "A train" discussions-- Maile said yes, but nearly recanted almost immediately, with something to the effect of a doubtful, "I'll ramble. I'll be all over the place. I'll probably contradict myself." I told her that that was exactly why I asked her. That's honesty, and honesty is beautiful. It's a part of her journey,and journeys are often fraught with indecision, contradiction, and doubt. But it is through all that confusion that we learn to experience the fullness, growth, and ultimate joy of life in a much more fulfilling way. A way that allows us to discover and recognize the beauty that exists all around us...even in us. Beauty that is certainly in you, Maile.


What is beauty?

When I was young, I think I did what a lot of kids do -- compare myself to images on the tv and in magazines. In Hawaii, where I grew up, Asian girls proceeded to make themselves close to the perceived image of beauty--by perming and coloring our very straight hair and having surgery or sticking glue on our eyes to make them have a "double fold". All that aside, I knew I wasn't pretty based on any cultural standard of beauty. I wasn't thin like other Asian girls and didn't have a small oval face, rosebud lips, etc. I thought being beautiful was the key to happiness. When I studied fashion design in college, I learned that "Beauty" is all about proportion, symmetry, and flawlessness. (and that fashion is a business that tries to generate insecurity) But in college I also took art classes, and it was my salvation because drawing people was all about capturing individuality and not some idealized Greek proportion.

Now that I'm older, I realized I should have appreciated my youth and not been so obsessed with my appearance--which wasn't so bad. I didn't want to go to the beach in Hawaii (!) 'cause I felt too fat to be seen in a swimsuit...how stupid is that? (That's not to say that it's easy to withstand the criticism that comes with bearing the bulges...)

I think beauty is not just visual. What gives you joy is beautiful. Your cat, a great meal, a work of art, a piece of music, whatever.....



What is your most beautiful attribute and why? (This can be physical or otherwise...depending on how you read the question!)


Well. this might sound a bit sappy, but I think everybody's most beautiful attribute is the ability to make another person feel loved. People all need a little compassion, attention, and love. I'm not saying I'm good at doling out the TLC, but I'm working on being more attentive to my friends and relatives, and maybe giving a little joy with my art.....



Name one body image hang-up that you have overcome or are working on overcoming. How did you do it , or what are you doing to change how you feel about it?


I think I've gotten over a lot of things, although I think the critic in me will always be there. Someone once told me, "Your face is your gift to the world -- you should be more generous."

But now I've got no time to be obsessed with beauty. Forget being beautiful, it's more about what I want to do with my life and doing something meaningful. I try to say, "This is it! Try to be happy and healthy." A happy face is a beautiful face. I didn't let anyone take pictures of me in my 20's because I figured I was so unattractive. Now there's very little visual record of having existed. These days I let friends take photos, although I'm still wary of posting them online.



If you could change one thing about the current standards of beauty in our society, what would it be ?


I think the whole obsession with flawlessness has gotten way out of control. People are more and more plastic. And it's getting to children (as you previously mentioned). At least when I was young there were only magazines and tv. Now with the internet, millions of people scrutinize every bump, bulge, and wrinkle on a movie star's body (and what they are wearing). It's frightening. Film stars used to be older and balder and have larger noses. But now it's Nicole Kidman wearing a prosthetic nose....or maybe George Clooney can gain a few pounds. One good thing is that there's more ethnic diversity, but all the Asian actresses are flawlessly beautiful as well. I'm hoping the recession will make botox and plastic surgery less appealing....


It's great that you're having this discussion, Sara, even though I found this very difficult to do. It goes without saying --you're beautiful!