Something's coming....something good ?

I'm fairly certain that I have maybe one or two followers who actually take the time to check this long ago neglected blog with the hope of finding some new and inspiring food for thought, but nonetheless it's on my heart (not merely my mind) that I take a few minutes today and speak to why I haven't been blogging. There are always the usual suspects ; overworked, too long a commute without yet having a car, trying to keep some semblance of a personal life, sleeping, eating....you know how it goes. But I am not ashamed to say that I am currently on a very tedious and seemingly precarious journey with myself, and it hasn't left me with much to write about in the vein of true beauty and self worth. Many details are not up for public discussion, but lest anyone get any false ideas about how I got to the place I am now, it is not due to any singular person or specific situation. It has as much to do with years and years ago as it does the recent past and even the present, and it is not necessarily a negative place to be. It is, however, an extremely difficult one.

As I'm writing this, I wonder if I've ever suggested taking the time - the true and necessary time- needed to learn to be okay with oneself in any of my past blogging. I'm sure that many- if not all- of my truly beautiful interviewees have alluded to this in one way or another during our discussions, but the magnitude of that step is often lost in the day to day struggles, or in many cases, an unbelievably painful life event or long term battle. I'm not sure where this road I'm on is leading, but I feel I've been given the gift of knowing that I need to devote this time to me, whether I believe I'm worth it right now or not. And that's where I am.

I honestly don't know how often I'll be writing. I have a pretty big itch to do some interviews but sadly, it's much harder to find the right people in my current home town. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely people here who embody beauty in the full and true meaning of the word, but I have a strong gut feeling that they also need to have a healthy level of self-worth and a kind and loving attitude toward themselves in order to benefit from the interview process. Small towns - I'm reminded after being in the city for so long- tend to breed insecurities at a higher rate, so we'll see. I may also post a link or two to articles I find that are relevant to society's role in our views of ourselves and positive ways we can combat the negative side of this aspect, but again, it depends on where I am. Regardless, I hope that as I continue to take this time for myself, you will be inspired to do the same in whatever way is best for you.


I do appreciate your continued positive thoughts, as I hope you appreciate mine, but please join me in viewing this as a positive beginning. I hope to be "in touch " again as soon as I can, and hopefully my growth in my own self-worth and true beauty will finally be where it needs to be to inspire others in the way my heart has always hoped to do. Something's comin', something good....if I can wait.

Real Beauty "Evolution" Response....

After my last post I was bothered by the fact that I was yet again, posting something that was really only relevant to females. I'm a woman, I write what I know as they say, and as indicated by more recent posts, I don't currently have the time and emotional wherewithal  necessary to cover all that I still eventually hope to when it comes to true beauty, ridiculous societal ideals, and how we so often (myself included) buy into the latter due to poor self-image. But a lot of my lengthier posts, despite speaking from a woman's point of view, were (I believe) relevant to men as well, with something positive that could be taken away by the reader regardless of gender. That said, making my last post female specific was nagging at me for some reason, and it caused me to recall a video I came across several months ago. I was - you guessed it - quite busy at the time, so I shared it with my boyfriend, bookmarked it, and vowed to post it as soon as possible. I want to say that was March...it's now September. 

Many of you are familiar with the brilliant "Evolution" commercial made famous by the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty. I even shared it on this blog a while back. This is a personal response from a young man who chose the very same topic for his thesis, only this time he focused on how much of that pressure to be perfect is put on men, and how often society on the whole, sweeps it under the rug and pretends like it doesn't exist. His explanation at the top of video is far better than anything I could offer, so I'll let it speak for itself.


For the record, I do sincerely hope to get back to including as many different voices into this blog as I can. I realize now how "spoiled" I was with my access to outspoken, diverse, truly beautiful individuals while living in NYC. They live here too (!), don't get me wrong - I know because I'm fortunate enough to know a few of them already - but doing an interview is a whole other ball game, mainly because there's no subway to hop on at all hours of the day and night! At any rate, I hope to have that opportunity sooner rather than later, and I can't wait to share those voices with you when I do. In the meantime, if you have anything to share, please don't be shy in shooting me an email and expressing yourself. I still have a few emails starred in my inbox from those of you who were so kind and generous enough to share your thoughts and future blog contributions with me. I haven't forgotten about you, and I will post them for sure. In the meantime, please take a few minutes to watch the video below. This is not an easy thing to talk about, especially among men, so I applaud not only the young man who was courageous enough to bring this to the forefront through his thesis, but also those who are not ashamed to watch, understand, and learn to love themselves as they are.

No Doubt....

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother."

                                                      -Kahlil Gibran 

Trust who you are. Believe in what you have to offer. And please, please don't let anything or anyone cause your self-worth to waiver.

Sparks of Beauty - Take 2.....a series of sharing the "little things" I find to be extraordinary.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. "
                                                                                                           Theodor Geisel  (aka Dr. Seuss)
                                                                                                                                      

Twelve days may not sound like too significant a gap when measuring the length of time between blog posts, but when it comes to this “sparks of beauty” business, I assure you, I am slacking. Now before you go thinking that I’m being overly critical of myself or having unreasonable expectations – especially given the magnitude of  this  life transitioning of which I’m currently in the throes – let me clarify. I have a small journal filled with notes about things that have recently touched me in such a way that I can’t wait to pass along their beauty to anyone and everyone I am able. The fact this this is only post number 2 since coming up with this little series is disappointing , because as I mentioned in the previous entry, the true beauty to me, lies in sharing it. I’m certainly not complaining about having so many notes about such things – quite the opposite – but I do want to make it clear that I will follow through on this, and it’s my firm belief that each "spark" shared will be more than worth the wait to anyone who takes a look.

Case in point – Confessions: of a Funked Out Eye Candy Freak, by the incomparable LaLa Boom.  If I were to carry on a casual conversation about pieces of writing that have truly spoken to me in a very personal and meaningful way over the years, Confessions would easily be in the mix - to my mind and heart every bit as poignant as the works of the well known literary geniuses that constitute the rest of that list. I am fortunate enough to know Ms. Boom personally, which in my opinion ups my hip and mysterious cred as a writer, but I have no doubts that she would be on that same list of mine, whether we were friends or whether we were complete strangers. Talk about the beauty of truth ; her work is so personal, so uniquely her own, so very honest, it truly leaves me in awe each time I read it. Honesty of that caliber, where all that lies in the hearts of so many, never to be heard, is put forth in such a raw, shoot from the hip kind of way, is not an easy thing to offer. LaLa expresses that rawness in such a creatively clever way, she makes it seem like the world would be a better place if we all had the courage to express ourselves likewise. You may agree with her point of view, you may not, but either way, she will make no apologies, and keep on offering all that she has to offer. My only objection to anything regarding Confessions is how in the world she has managed to stay under the radar on a site like blogspot for so long. This woman should be published ; that’s all there is to it. Please do yourself a huge favor and check out this truly awesome site. I’m currently more down and out in the financial realm than I’d care to admit, but I would have no problem betting my rent check that you will be impressed with what you find there. It’s a privilege to share her work with you, and an honor to call her a friend. Now go….embrace your inner “funked out eye candy freak”. You won’t regret it.

Sparks of Beauty…..a series of sharing the “little things” I find to be extraordinary.

    
"Society exists only as a mental concept ; in the real world there are only individuals." 

                                                                                                      -Oscar Wilde

After all that talk of my new found writing fever, it appears I haven’t done a very good job of following through , given that my last post was written over a month ago.(gulp) But for maybe the first time in my life, I don’t feel guilty about it. I don’t feel like I started something new, only to leave it by the wayside to become an eventual part of online oblivion. I know, for once, that instead of fretting about not being able to accomplish what I initially thought I “should”, I have been preoccupied with exactly what I need to be doing to get back to truly living again. Actually,I’ll go a step further and say that I have been busy not merely getting back to living, but to beginning to live life in a fuller, more meaningful way than I ever have before. But just because I haven’t been blogging, that in no way means I haven’t been brainstorming, and taking notes, and writing what I feel inspired to, at a furious pace. Yes, “writer's fever” is definitely still intact ; I simply haven’t had the opportunity to give the proper attention to really dig into many of the ideas and musings I eventually hope to share.

In my frequent jotting down of random thoughts, ideas, experiences, etc, I’ve noticed that while I do have some notes of inspiration recounting some of the “bigger" things that have recently proved meaningful to me, it’s those smaller discoveries, those simple everyday experiences, that have the ability to make me feel alive in a way I’ve never felt before. I’ve said it many times, and I’ll keep on saying it – there is so much beauty to be found, even in the midst of great adversity, and I’m so grateful that I have been fortunate enough to really see it, especially in those quietly extraordinary ways.

It’s with that inspiration in mind that I decided I’d like to try a little different type of blog posting, in which I don’t say too much, but simply offer a “link” if you will – both figuratively and literally – to those bursts of beauty that have moved me to take notice of them in a unique way. Whether bringing a friend’s personal brand of creativity to light for a wider audience, sharing a photo of a scene that stirred my senses while passing it on any given day, or recounting an experience that spoke to me in some poignant way or was simply a lot of fun – it’s my hope that whatever is shared will provide the reader with at least a sampling of the inspiration that was brought to me.

So without further ado, I’ll get the sharing started by offering a site link to the wonderfully unique artwork of a dear friend of mine.  My reason for choosing to share the artwork of Carlos Delgado goes far beyond his obvious talent and my personal taste with regard to visual art – that’s merely the baseline. The sheer passion and open honesty with which he expresses himself seems to shine through every brush stoke, every pencil line. Though fortunate enough to have been employed by a world renowned art museum for several years, I admittedly have a limited knowledge of painting, printmaking, sculpting, etc,when it comes to proper technique. I’d like to think my appreciation and interest makes up for my lack of “skill” in this arena, but the fact remains that even my stick figures leave much to be desired in the realm of accuracy and pleasure to the eye.  But art - any form of creativity and expression – is personal. I normally do my best to steer clear of "shoulds" and "shouldn’ts", but this is definitely an exception where I feel it appropriate to say it should be personal, if it is to be truly beautiful. What good is any form of expression, if it’s merely a carbon copy, going along with the crowd or conforming to what “critics” may say is acceptable? To me, even if something is clearly striking at first glance, it's the level of honesty and individuality shining through that take it to the next level, taking hold of my senses and giving me a different perspective and openness to it, that I hadn’t initially possessed . The ability to instill an appreciation and awareness of something other than my own way of looking at the world will never cease to be beautiful in my eyes. That’s where I believe the true beauty of sharing lies, and it never fails to render me speechless at impact.

So regardless of anyone’s personal preference, there’s no denying that Carlos’s work possesses that quality in a very special way. Reading his biographic page alone exemplifies that fact. It’s my hope that you’ll take a look for yourself to get a taste of that firsthand. And of course, any of you that know me personally have an open invitation to stop by my soon - to- be new home in the coming months and take a look at a particular project of his that will be taking up a place of honor on my coffee table – an “autographed” copy of the second edition of Swipe Magazine of which is his an editor and contributor. Maybe one day its value to me will be matched by the art world. Few would deserve that more.

CARLOS DELGADO :   http://www.carlosdelgadoart.com/

I'M STILL HERE

  
                                 "Good times and bum times, I've seen them all....
                                  And, my dear, I'm still here." - Stephen Sondheim

 So….it has been quite some time since I’ve updated this blog. Quite some time meaning well over a year. In a blogosphere where everyone and their brother seems to abandon their “fantastic” new blogging concept in what often seems like the same hour in which they began, I automatically assumed that my small band of faithful post followers would have long since stopped visiting mine. I was also assuming of course, that they were assuming that I was following suit when it comes to the limited staying power of non-commercial blogs written by your average so and so with something to say. But this is where I failed to remember a valuable lesson I now so distinctly recall a particularly memorable junior high school teacher repeatedly drumming into our classroom filled with ever impressionable thirteen year old minds : When we assume, it makes an a** out of you and me. I don’t know that my assumptions would technically qualify for such a title in this particular instance – though I will be the first to admit there have certainly been numerous occasions in my life when they have, for sure – but I can say definitively, that my assumptions here were flat out wrong. I’m really glad they were. I knew deep down that I never truly lost my desire to write, no matter how far off actually doing it seemed due to the ever increasingly difficult circumstances of my health - and whole life - for the majority of 2010 and into the first few months of this year. But the idea of blogging at all, especially the thought of revisiting this blog, never even crossed my mind as a possibility. Enter that small, loyal band of followers who I wrongly assumed had removed the mental association of “blog” when thinking of their friend Sara. In the course of a few short weeks, I received four completely random and unrelated kudos humbled by sincere thank you’s, simply for writing what I had written and continuing to inspire them. Things that I wrote in 2008 and 2009? Actively inspiring them? They were still seeking out my writing after all this time? It’s worth mentioning  that each of these accolades “arrived” at a precise moment when the mere idea of any truly good possibility involving my life and my future seemed like a lost cause, or at its best what football aficionados would call a "Hail Mary". But my friends’ wonderfully ironic timing couldn't be ignored. It got me thinking, and the itch to blog was reborn. I admittedly stifled that itch for a good while. Partially because it simply wasn't feasible just yet, but mostly – if I’m honest – due to fear. Fear of what, I’m not exactly sure, but I felt it, and I felt it fighting that longing to tap on those laptop keys, tooth and nail. Then came the icing on the omen cake ; a newer friend, by comparison to the others, had stumbled upon my blog and subsequently offered some of the most heartfelt and meaningful feedback I have ever received with regard to this project. This friend knew nothing of my past struggles and had no ulterior motive in complimenting my writing and my point of view. It was nothing more than the simple expression of honesty, and yet I could never find adequate words to explain how that honesty affected me. I could no longer fight it ; I was going to write again, blog again, express myself again….and for the first time in a very long time, I was truly hopeful and truly excited.

I'm not quite sure what my game plan is for Democracy of Beauty revisited, but that’s a big part of my excitement. The possibilities, the beauty, if you will, of creativity. I can, however, promise that the positive objective of learning to embrace true beauty, in every facet of life, and most importantly in oneself, has not and will not change. And whatever I feel inspired to post, I promise I’ll do my best to “pleasurably exalt the mind and spirit.”

As I briefly mentioned early on in the post, I have been struggling with some pretty debilitating health issues for quite some time , and because of the powerful impact that’s had on me emotionally, I’ve found my desire for privacy to be far greater than it has in the past. That said, I want to clearly state that though I’m not yet sure how much I’ll be sharing about what I’ve been through health wise, I can ease anyone’s fear of a relapse into Anorexia or any eating disorder behavior. I say that, not out of some need to “defend”, but because so many of my posts had been devoted to my recovery and my deep desire to help others who suffer in that regard, to do whatever I can to lessen the pull of such illnesses when faced with true self-worth and self-confidence.  And since I have remained recovered and fought so hard to maintain my health in every way, despite so many circumstances beyond my control, I want to be clear that I will continue to do just that. Nothing less.

I look forward to sharing my rediscovery of health, of life, of beauty, with all of you. In fact, I can’t wait. Until next time….

CARMEN

"Taking joy in life is a woman's best cosmetic."

- Rosalind Russell

Everyone is familiar with the stereotype of women and hairdressers. Your hairdresser is your sounding board, your keeper of secrets, that one person outside your social circle who listens without judgment and maybe even offers some objective advice from time to time. I've always enjoyed getting my hair done - shampooed, cut, colored, blown out, you name it. And I've always been fortunate to have excellent stylists who not only knew what they were doing with my hair, but were also very friendly and good at making enjoyable small talk. They would ask vague questions about my life, and I in turn, would answer honestly, but without too much detail. They knew about my job, how my classes were going, where I was planning to go for summer vacation, if my family was well, etc. Pretty much the surface or "acquaintance" version of me. Although we genuinely got along well and liked each other, my appointments - when it came down to it - were about appearances, and the conversation was simply an offer of good customer service to a client who they happened to like talking to. I did feel great when I left the salon, but nothing greater than a little more pep in my step and a temporary increase in confidence about the way I looked. Nothing changed about who I was at the core.

When I first met Carmen, it initially seemed like more of the same. She was extremely personable and talented, and I instinctively trusted her to make me look good. I was going through some drastic changes in my physicality due to my recovery from the anorexia, and dealing with some adverse appearance related side effects from such a prolonged period of life spent in starvation mode. I was ashamed to look in the mirror in the privacy of my own apartment, let alone talk to someone I barely knew about how I looked. Carmen didn't know this, but she did intuitively seem to know that I needed a change - and a reason to feel special and unique. From a demure, dark red bob to a super short, spiky, bright red pixie cut - Carmen was with me as my appearance continued to change and evolve. She was changing and evolving as well - different colors and lengths of hair, new contact lenses, new place of business. But somehow the more we changed, the more each of us seemed to become more secure in who we were and in our new found friendship. The polite chit chat petered out and was replaced with talk of what was really going on in each of our lives and how it made us feel. I began to look forward to my appointments, not only because of the haircuts, but because I knew I would be spending time with a friend who would listen to me - and that I would do the same for her. We were unexpectedly there to see each other through some difficult times, and have been fortunate enough to share countless laughs and tales of everyday triumphs too.

I feel like, despite my ongoing struggles regarding self-worth, Carmen was there to witness me become the real me, and I'm immensely grateful for that. She was there when I popped in one day last year and spontaneously told her I'd like to go back to more of my natural hair color. That, to me, was a big step in embracing who I really am, and I don't know that it would've happened that way if someone else had been my stylist.

I state at the beginning of our interview, that I wanted to talk to Carmen because she deals with people's appearances - their "beauty" - and how they feel about themselves, every day. But in truth, I also asked her because, to me, she is a beautiful woman and friend - and she deserves a chance to be able to say it out loud.



So, I wanted to interview you because you deal with people's appearances and...don't be nervous! When someone gets their hair done, it has an ability to make them feel good about themselves, and you're really good at what you do...


Thank you!


I mean that. And I think that comes from something more than just an eye for appearances. I think that comes from caring about how people feel about themselves. So, that's why I asked you to do this. This is a difficult question, but since we're pressed for time, I'll just jump right in.


Go ahead, baby - jump.


Okay. So this blog is called "Democracy of Beauty" because everyone has their own unique views about beauty. Off the top of your head, what does beauty mean to you?


Well, I'm doing this for almost twenty years now, and it's something I really enjoy. Over the years I got to meet so many different people, so many different characters. And what I realized by being in this profession is that sometimes beauty doesn't...you know, it's not just the way they look - the way they look when they come in or the way they look when they leave from here- but it's also from inner...to me, it's about inner beauty. And many people that do come to have their hair done, their make-up - it gives a feeling of making you feel better. But sometimes it's just a cover-up. I've realized this by doing it and seeing how people are, you know? But it is important to me, for that moment, to make them feel good about themselves, make them feel beautiful....which they are, but sometimes they don't feel it inside them. That's beauty to me. By people being with me for at least half an hour to an hour, or whatever the time will be, I get to know people. I have a little experience getting to see how people are, so in that moment I can tell if they're looking for that particular temporary outer beauty or not.

Having your loved ones around you - that's another part of beauty. I think so. It gives you happiness. That's how I feel. When I have my brother around me, my family members, I feel beautiful inside and out cause it makes me happy. Also, my little dogs! Cause I can get to care for them. I love them. And they give me so much love in return.



You do take the time to get to know your clients, and I think that lends itself to seeing inner beauty...and maybe that's why you're so good at what you do. You mentioned something about people not feeling good about themselves. You seem like someone who's outwardly confident, but as I've gotten to know you, I've noticed that you'll make little negative comments here and there...


Wait, now we're talking about me?


Yeah - so are there physical hang-ups or things that you have insecurities about?


Yes! I have so many! Just because my profession is to make people feel good about themselves - I need a lot of that myself, trust me. But even doing my hair myself, and putting make-up on, and getting dressed nice at times, I do feel a lot better about myself. But I do have a lot of insecurities. Yes, of course. Everybody does.


You answered my question before I even asked it. I was going to ask - how do you change how you feel about your insecurities? What do you do?


You know, there are so many days when I feel like - you know, I don't feel good about myself, or in my heart there are things I wasn't able to accomplish. Which, I'm trying - honest. Finishing school, let's say. To me, that's very important. But on days like that, when I have those kind of sad days, I always make sure to do something for me. Like, if I can afford it, I go and have my nails done or I do a facial, and that always makes me feel better. Or talk to a friend of mine.



What about your love for animals?


Oh, yes! Yes - not too many crazy people have 14 animals to make them feel better. But honest, I love them all.



What do you think is your most beautiful quality? It can be physical or not physical...or both.


One thing? Something that would describe me? I care. I am a very, very caring person - no matter to whom, you know. Because when you are beautiful, you do care. I feel that I'm a beautiful person.



I would agree.


I think I am. I care for people. I care for animals. I care for everybody. Sometimes I should not! But I do. Many times I get hurt from people I think are worth it to be friends with, honest. But on the other hand, it's like still I cannot change that about me - being nice and caring for people. I don't look down on people, and I don't really look up at people, you understand what I'm saying? Like to me, being able to help a homeless person, it makes me feel good about myself, that I'm able to do something for somebody. When on the other hand, some of my friends say,"Are you crazy? Why aren't they working? Why don't they get a job?". To me that's not beautiful....And about myself? Me? Today it's my hair.


I like it. Did you do that today?



Uh-huh. Takes me a long time to blow dry it, and I work with hair. Another beautiful thing about me is that I think I was able to sacrifice many things from my life to be able to be near my daughter that I love so much, to make her become who she is. And I was always there next to her. I left myself out to be able to be there for her, so to me, I think that's beautiful. I don't know how you would describe that, but...


I think you did it perfectly. Do you...I mean, you've lived here a long time...


Twenty-one years.



Yeah - you're an American and a New Yorker, but do you think that also knowing another culture has given you a better perspective on beauty, as opposed to someone who has only known the American ideal of beauty their whole life?



Yes, but in a different way. Having the chance to be in New York for as long as I've been here, I got to see - like you said - different types of beauty, when in other countries or cultures, they look at some particular thing. I don't know if I'm explaining myself. They look at people, and they look at just one or two things about people. Appearance and nothing beyond that. Here, everybody looks at everybody like it's a big - all one family, you know? At least lots of people do, I think.


There are also many people in my neighborhood, they come from Europe. I'm from Europe, right? And at the time they came here, probably they were my age. I was 21 when I came here. They've probably been in this country for longer than I am, and I look at them, and they're still with the same mentality from back then. They don't care for themselves. They've gained so much weight. They don't care about their health. So, I think it's the opposite, putting it that way.



You seem very comfortable working in this environment now, but when you started twenty years ago, in a field that focuses on people's appearances, do you think it made you more self-conscious?


Yes! It can. This particular job, being in the beauty industry, you also have to appear....people,they look at you, how you look - so they can judge you by the way you look. Appearance has a very big role in this type of business. Like with everything else. Like, you cannot be in fashion if you're like - I don't know - wearing ripped clothes or something....unless they're in style, right?


You wanna know the truth? It's also funny how other people, they look at beauty. I'm gonna give you a few examples. Let's say in the fashion industry, like a beautiful model, she gains some weight? Forget about modeling. Which to me, that's wrong. It's totally really wrong. Being in the beauty industry, doing make-up, doing hair, it is very messed up that sometimes they don't look at the qualities as a stylist, the good stylist you are. They look at your appearance. So let's say I'm losing my job now or maybe ten years from now - it doesn't matter that I have thirty years experience. They will not hire me because I'm already over a certain age. So, it is messed up. It is f#%!*ed up. I'm serious. You know, I remember one time I had green hair, and a freaking client refused me to cut his hair. Beauty appeared to him like, "What the hell is wrong with this girl?" A lot of people look at it different then I would probably look at it. They don't look at quality anymore. It has a lot to do with appearance.



It seems that way with almost anything anymore.



That goes with everything, yeah. That's messed up though.



So, in the time that I've known you, you often have a different hair color or a completely different style, and I wonder if any of that has to do with an insecurity about yourself, or if it's just a form of expression?



It's different with everybody. Not everybody that sits in my chair is here because they're insecure. And by changing your appearance, it doesn't make somebody more secure, you know? But for me, it's a way of expressing myself. It just makes me feel good. And knowing you for so long - I know you for almost 8 years now - you're not just my client. I consider you as my friend. You've seen a lot of things change on me, and I've seen things changing on you, but we always gave each other a chance to talk, and I'm really grateful that you talk to me. Now I'm gonna cry....



You're gonna make me cry too!


But you know, sometimes it depends....the moods we are in....changing the hair or changing your clothing helps. But it's not necessarily that you change it for that particular reason - because when you're hurt or you're happy, it doesn't matter what you change about your outer appearance - it will not make a difference. I don't know if I'm making it clear enough. Maybe I'll explain it better like this. My brother's going through some changes. He broke up with his wife and stuff, and for him, having a beard now - like trying to cover himself up to cover up the pain - it's not helping. So, it doesn't matter sometimes. People drink because they feel insecure, people - like I said - they change their hair. But just by changing that, it doesn't mean anything would change how they really feel about themselves.



Speaking of change -If you could change one thing about our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?


Honest? Look deeper. Look beyond the outside beauty. Instead of - let's say I just met you or you just met me. Instead of like, right away, just because I have....Like that guy, ok? He refused me to cut his hair just because I did not appear "normal" for him, because I have green color hair. If he had given me a chance, he would've seen a different side of me - that I'm a very good person and a great hair stylist. And he didn't give me the chance just because I had freakin' green hair!


Anything else you'd like to say?



Be yourself. Don't change for anybody. I think. Don't make anything change you just because of the way you look. I think that's...to me, those are the ugly people. They want you to change to be the way they want you, just because they think their way is better than yours. To me that's not right. That means appearance and a lot of other things - like even changing your personality for someone. No way. That would change the beauty of you - who you are. So, that's it.

MORGAN

"And I just want my life to be true.
And I just want my heart to be true.
And I just want my words to be true.

I want my soul to feel brand new."

- A Gift For Melody Anne by The Avett Brothers

The quest. Such an exhilarating prospect. I was born with a seemingly insatiable need to know, and I have been searching and exploring for as long as I can remember. Whether navigating my way through the "forbidden" forest of pine trees in a neighbor's yard, daring to have our club meeting on the ledge of "Dead Man's Cliff" (in actuality, a small but steep hill filled with unruly weeds), testing the neighborhood mailbox to see if it made a good sliding board (it did), or turning the old oak tree into an impromptu basketball hoop -- my childhood had no limit to possibilities. Even as a young adult, moving solo to an enormous city in which I knew no one was the perfect example of that need to search and discover. But I find that the circumstances surrounding this constant quest change greatly for many of us as we grow. As adults, the search seems to become less about appreciating what we've found and more about taking our latest discovery and judging it, analyzing it, and then moving on to see if we might find something even better. I'm every bit as guilty as the next person , but I feel that in this analysis and picking apart , we often lose the beauty of the circumstances, the person, the moment.

What fascinates me about Morgan is that he still explores with the curiosity of a child, yet has the wisdom to appreciate it for what it is before moving on to something else. Beauty seems to follow him wherever he goes, but in actuality, he's simply noticing it, taking it in, appreciating it. He continues on his search , not because there is something better, but because there is something different, something beautiful in a way that's not quite like anything he's noticed before. Each new discovery making his world a little more beautiful along the way. Pretty wise for a young soul.

We had scheduled our little interview on a day that started out a less than great day for both of us, but keeping with Morgan's philosophy, we not only met to chat anyway, but also found a neat little park that neither of us had been to before. Perhaps circumstances were not the best, and maybe the park wasn't the grandest or prettiest park in Brooklyn, but it was still beautiful in its own unique way. A way that , had I not put my worries aside and sat down to discuss, listen, notice, and appreciate, I may have missed entirely.

Although somewhat condensed for time and effect, what you are about to read are Morgan's candid thoughts on beauty. He expressed an interest in being interviewed after his very first reading of the blog , and I was more than willing to hear any new ideas he might have in mind. He said that he would prefer to have more of a real time discussion instead of writing out his thoughts and possibly over thinking things a bit , so that's just what we did. Armed with a tape recorder-- complete with a microphone, no less--we hit a cozy park bench and chatted for the better part of an hour. Once I realized that I had the recorder on "hold", and therefore was not recording anything , we were able to remedy the situation and have a discussion that certainly left me with the sense that world was even more beautiful than when we first sat down. Enjoy......

So, what was it about the blog that peaked your interest and made you want to be a part of it?


Do you want to test it again and see if it's okay? Test, Test, Test. Hopefully this will work....I think that the conversation is one that should happen and doesn't happen often enough. I feel like, in leaving the concept of beauty up to external forces--often times advertisers who are trying to sell you something--you lose a lot of the complexity and the variety. A variety of things can be beautiful, and there are different types of beauty. It's not just as simple as I think it's often made out to be.


On that note, I'll ask you what beauty is to you?


I think at its very core , beauty is a way of looking at the world. There are so many different facets to it. There's physical beauty, but there's also natural beauty--and different people see different things as beautiful. It really is in the eye of the beholder in the sense that any number of people can look at the exact same thing, and some will think it's beautiful and some will not. And just because there's a consensus on something doesn't necessarily make it any more or less true for any one individual.



You said that you think this is a conversation that should happen. Do you think that people are afraid to talk about beauty, and if so, why do you think that is?

I don't know....maybe not afraid, but I feel like there are a lot of conversations that people tend not to have because it's a conversation that goes a little bit deeper. Most conversations are , "Hi... How are you?", and it's implied that the answer should just be, "Fine". There are a lot of conversations that people don't tend to have because it makes life easier not to think too much about specific topics, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it. And that's one of the reasons--again, going back--that interested me in doing this blog. It's actually an attempt to restart the conversation and something that dares to go beyond the basic, "How are you?", and actually look for some kind of truth. That, in its own way, is a beautiful thing.


Truth?


Oh yeah.



Still rolling--that's good. Another question I normally ask is, what is your most beautiful attribute? It can be physical...or not. Or both! Whatever you think.


The physical attribute I've gotten told the most often would be my eyes, but if it was up to me, I would say it would not be physical, and I would go with my sense of adventure. I think that is my most beautiful attribute.



As far as physical beauty goes, do you have any hang-ups about your appearance that you've overcome?


Yeah....I mean, I definitely have physical hang-ups. I think everyone does. The biggest one would be that I was always a little on the chubbier side, and in the last year I've lost like 30 lbs., so that's probably....



I never would have guessed that.


I get that a lot, which is strange because for so long I was the funny, chubby kid. You know ,if life was a teen movie, I was the overweight best friend. I was the sweet funny character. That is what I did.



I'm trying to come up with a question that has to do with your being an actor, but I'm drawing a blank.


I've got something! So, truth and beauty, I feel , go hand in hand. There's beauty to truth, even if it's not an attractive truth. As long as it's something that's really true, I feel like it's got some degree of beauty to it. I like acting and theatre because I feel like, at its best, it's searching for moments of truth, and that is a beautiful thing. I definitely know that when I see something that's really beautiful, it strikes me as true, and if I see something that I feel is untruthful, regardless of its physical beauty, I'm completely unattracted to it. That extends itself into people too. The truth is easy. It's buoyant. Where as dishonesty is heavy, and you have to fight to keep it above water. When you let go of deception--of yourself or others--it's just so much easier. And the positivity in that--the lightness--can be really beautiful. You're free to express whatever or whoever you want to be, and I think that freedom can be beautiful as well. I think that everything positive is connected, and if you make the simple decision that you want to live life with beauty and truth and lightness and ease, it starts a domino effect, and that can't help but improve the world--as lofty as that sounds.



If you could change one thing about society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?



I would say that I'd like to see more flexibility. I feel that there's such a rigid idea of what's beautiful, and it changes. What's beautiful to society now is not what was beautiful a couple hundred years ago. And who knows, in another couple hundred years, what it will be. Kinda broaden the horizons a little bit. Like, if you're not blond with giant boobs, you can still be beautiful. I had a job in the fashion industry for a little while, and one day my job was to take pictures of models--not as professional photography--but to send off because they were trying to decide which model to use. It was the first time I had seen a bunch of models up close. So often they're held up as the epitome of beauty. They do have a strange kind of beauty about them , but I personally, didn't think a single one of them was attractive. I think it's strange that such an emphasis is placed on such a limited kind of beauty, and then that becomes the ideal that people are trying to match themselves to. I feel like without the fashion industry, those people might not be held up as beautiful. I think that's not what most people should be going for, and I discourage anyone from trying to be that.



Lastly, to take a note from one of our Michael Chekhov exercises, what are some things--off the top of your head--that you find beautiful?


Babies. Little babies? Adorable! Tiny little fingers, little fingernails--they're so small! It's amazing! And puppy dogs. I have to be dragged away from pet store windows, lest I break in and steal all the puppies and take them home with me. Natural beauty is a big one for me, and that's a little hard coming from California and living in New York now. New York's got a different kind of beauty. I feel it's a little harder to find. Natural beauty is more accessible. In California there's the rocky coast lines and the redwood trees and the fog rolling in off the ocean. That's gonna be beautiful either way. But at the same time, a full moon peeking out from behind a giant skyscraper can be its own kind of beautiful. It just depends on how you want to see it, because most everything can be beautiful if you want it to be.

I really do think it can be a conscious choice. You can just decide you want the world to be a beautiful place, and then you'll look for it. And because you're looking for it, you'll find it. And you'll find it in places that you didn't think you would find it. I can't put a specific moment on when I made that decision, but it was definitely within the last few years. I wasn't unhappy, but definitely not enjoying life as much as I am now, and part of it was just a decision that I was gonna enjoy it and it was gonna be beautiful. And now it is. When I see people who don't see beautiful things, it baffles me now. It seems so basic a thing to see a tree that's starting to bloom because it's Spring, and think that's beautiful. I can't imagine living life if you weren't able to enjoy the simple things that are beautiful....

Paintings. Sculptures. With art it's almost a physical reaction for me. I like playing the "wander-through-the-museum-and-pick-what-you-would-take-home" game. Walk into a room and see what jumps out at you, what's the first thing that smacks you across the face. Like, " Wow. I want THAT! Something about that says something about me, or connects with something in me". I think that's also part of beauty --the connection. And possibly connection to whoever made it. Somebody else thought that that was beautiful enough to make, so maybe it's a reaffirming of yourself and your feelings. It reconnects you to the human race at large. Theatre can do that too. Shakespeare is like that for me. That's why I love Shakespeare. It was written forever ago, and yet still it's like, this person who lived hundreds of years ago knows exactly how I feel. And I think maybe that's an aspect of beauty as well--the reconnecting and recognizing that other people have the same feelings.




The last beautiful thing that Morgan mentioned was actually prompted by me, based on his response when we had done this exercise with our theatre company. I distinctly remembered him mentioning baby ducks in free fall. Given that he's so well traveled and quite adventurous, I had to know if he had somehow witnessed this phenomenon in person. He had not, but he proceeded to share, in great and perfect detail, the tale of the baby ducks' first flight from the Planet Earth series. In the spirit of connection and the sharing of beauty that Morgan spoke of , I feel it fitting to leave you with a link to that very segment. Thank you, Morgan....

MAILE

"Her green plastic watering can
for her fake Chinese rubber plant
in the fake plastic earth....
that she bought from a rubber man
in a town full of rubber plans
to get rid of itself.
It wears her out. It wears her out."

- Fake Plastic Trees
by Radiohead

To me, truly good conversation is one of the most beautiful things we can experience with another human being. There's a reason we call it the art of conversation. This phrase often brings to mind an elegant little table by a sunlit window of a Parisian cafe', late in the afternoon, sipping espresso with a companion, discussing our latest thought provoking read, why our favorite films are such, or that brilliant guitarist that plays on the corner every Saturday night. Or perhaps sitting by the lake after a leisurely walk along the water, sharing deep rooted beliefs, fears, hopes, dreams, along with mindless chatter of new crushes and career frustrations, before admiring the breathtaking view. Yes, I may be pushing it a little, but a good discussion does exalt the mind and spirit --pleasing the senses on many levels. The perfect marriage of language and thought. Even though many of ours have taken place on noisy subway cars, through a series of emails, or via a garbled phone call courtesy of Skype -- this is how I feel about every conversation with Maile. That's not to say that every discussion offers such profound emotional intensity--but they are always enjoyable, always enlightening, and frequently offering some sort of wonderful and unexpected revelation for one, or both of us. Conversation at its finest.

It seems like our chats have been this way from the start, but in hindsight, I see a process or maybe more like a journey --not unlike Maile's continued journey to self-acceptance and hopefully (eventually) self love. Although I know she would have been flattered by the invitation, Maile never would have agreed to be a part of this blog a few years ago...at least, not unless she was made anonymous. I am truly honored that my little blog could be a stepping stone on her journey, and am delighted that she actually gave me her blessing to post her photo. She willingly let me snap away as we engaged in some extreme silliness during her most recent visit to NYC -- as you will soon read, yet another important stepping stone.

When I first broached the subject of the blog --yes, during one of our artful "A train" discussions-- Maile said yes, but nearly recanted almost immediately, with something to the effect of a doubtful, "I'll ramble. I'll be all over the place. I'll probably contradict myself." I told her that that was exactly why I asked her. That's honesty, and honesty is beautiful. It's a part of her journey,and journeys are often fraught with indecision, contradiction, and doubt. But it is through all that confusion that we learn to experience the fullness, growth, and ultimate joy of life in a much more fulfilling way. A way that allows us to discover and recognize the beauty that exists all around us...even in us. Beauty that is certainly in you, Maile.


What is beauty?

When I was young, I think I did what a lot of kids do -- compare myself to images on the tv and in magazines. In Hawaii, where I grew up, Asian girls proceeded to make themselves close to the perceived image of beauty--by perming and coloring our very straight hair and having surgery or sticking glue on our eyes to make them have a "double fold". All that aside, I knew I wasn't pretty based on any cultural standard of beauty. I wasn't thin like other Asian girls and didn't have a small oval face, rosebud lips, etc. I thought being beautiful was the key to happiness. When I studied fashion design in college, I learned that "Beauty" is all about proportion, symmetry, and flawlessness. (and that fashion is a business that tries to generate insecurity) But in college I also took art classes, and it was my salvation because drawing people was all about capturing individuality and not some idealized Greek proportion.

Now that I'm older, I realized I should have appreciated my youth and not been so obsessed with my appearance--which wasn't so bad. I didn't want to go to the beach in Hawaii (!) 'cause I felt too fat to be seen in a swimsuit...how stupid is that? (That's not to say that it's easy to withstand the criticism that comes with bearing the bulges...)

I think beauty is not just visual. What gives you joy is beautiful. Your cat, a great meal, a work of art, a piece of music, whatever.....



What is your most beautiful attribute and why? (This can be physical or otherwise...depending on how you read the question!)


Well. this might sound a bit sappy, but I think everybody's most beautiful attribute is the ability to make another person feel loved. People all need a little compassion, attention, and love. I'm not saying I'm good at doling out the TLC, but I'm working on being more attentive to my friends and relatives, and maybe giving a little joy with my art.....



Name one body image hang-up that you have overcome or are working on overcoming. How did you do it , or what are you doing to change how you feel about it?


I think I've gotten over a lot of things, although I think the critic in me will always be there. Someone once told me, "Your face is your gift to the world -- you should be more generous."

But now I've got no time to be obsessed with beauty. Forget being beautiful, it's more about what I want to do with my life and doing something meaningful. I try to say, "This is it! Try to be happy and healthy." A happy face is a beautiful face. I didn't let anyone take pictures of me in my 20's because I figured I was so unattractive. Now there's very little visual record of having existed. These days I let friends take photos, although I'm still wary of posting them online.



If you could change one thing about the current standards of beauty in our society, what would it be ?


I think the whole obsession with flawlessness has gotten way out of control. People are more and more plastic. And it's getting to children (as you previously mentioned). At least when I was young there were only magazines and tv. Now with the internet, millions of people scrutinize every bump, bulge, and wrinkle on a movie star's body (and what they are wearing). It's frightening. Film stars used to be older and balder and have larger noses. But now it's Nicole Kidman wearing a prosthetic nose....or maybe George Clooney can gain a few pounds. One good thing is that there's more ethnic diversity, but all the Asian actresses are flawlessly beautiful as well. I'm hoping the recession will make botox and plastic surgery less appealing....


It's great that you're having this discussion, Sara, even though I found this very difficult to do. It goes without saying --you're beautiful!