You are more beautiful than you think.....

This is incredibly powerful and so true. If you haven't seen this, please take a couple minutes to watch it. If you've already seen it, please watch it again.

Something's coming....something good ?

I'm fairly certain that I have maybe one or two followers who actually take the time to check this long ago neglected blog with the hope of finding some new and inspiring food for thought, but nonetheless it's on my heart (not merely my mind) that I take a few minutes today and speak to why I haven't been blogging. There are always the usual suspects ; overworked, too long a commute without yet having a car, trying to keep some semblance of a personal life, sleeping, eating....you know how it goes. But I am not ashamed to say that I am currently on a very tedious and seemingly precarious journey with myself, and it hasn't left me with much to write about in the vein of true beauty and self worth. Many details are not up for public discussion, but lest anyone get any false ideas about how I got to the place I am now, it is not due to any singular person or specific situation. It has as much to do with years and years ago as it does the recent past and even the present, and it is not necessarily a negative place to be. It is, however, an extremely difficult one.

As I'm writing this, I wonder if I've ever suggested taking the time - the true and necessary time- needed to learn to be okay with oneself in any of my past blogging. I'm sure that many- if not all- of my truly beautiful interviewees have alluded to this in one way or another during our discussions, but the magnitude of that step is often lost in the day to day struggles, or in many cases, an unbelievably painful life event or long term battle. I'm not sure where this road I'm on is leading, but I feel I've been given the gift of knowing that I need to devote this time to me, whether I believe I'm worth it right now or not. And that's where I am.

I honestly don't know how often I'll be writing. I have a pretty big itch to do some interviews but sadly, it's much harder to find the right people in my current home town. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely people here who embody beauty in the full and true meaning of the word, but I have a strong gut feeling that they also need to have a healthy level of self-worth and a kind and loving attitude toward themselves in order to benefit from the interview process. Small towns - I'm reminded after being in the city for so long- tend to breed insecurities at a higher rate, so we'll see. I may also post a link or two to articles I find that are relevant to society's role in our views of ourselves and positive ways we can combat the negative side of this aspect, but again, it depends on where I am. Regardless, I hope that as I continue to take this time for myself, you will be inspired to do the same in whatever way is best for you.


I do appreciate your continued positive thoughts, as I hope you appreciate mine, but please join me in viewing this as a positive beginning. I hope to be "in touch " again as soon as I can, and hopefully my growth in my own self-worth and true beauty will finally be where it needs to be to inspire others in the way my heart has always hoped to do. Something's comin', something good....if I can wait.

Forward March.....

   

   "I was for a while troubled with a haunting fear that if I handled the flower freely, its bloom would fade – the sweet charm of freshness would leave it. I did not then know that it was no transitory blossom; but rather the radiant resemblance of one, cut in an indestructible gem.”  - from Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)   

Ah, the restlessness of the creative mind. Whatever your art, you know that seeking to which I'm referring. You are passionate about what you're creating, therefore, you can't just put any old thing out there. You want it to be just right ; to express yourself in a way that is yours alone, whether it be a beautiful painting or a heartfelt letter - or even an email! - to a dear family member or friend. It's a wonderful gift - to care so much about what you're creating and sharing - but at the same time we creatives often have a "bazillion!" thoughts and ideas going on at once, and it seems nearly impossible to even make an attempt to express them unless we abandon all other responsibilities, activities - pretty much EVERYTHING else that makes up our daily lives! Free association can be a real pain in the dupa when you simply want to get your point across.

With that in mind, I want to tell you that I too, have so many ideas, so many possibilities for growth and positive changes for this blogging project , so much I want to share - but it seems I've found valid ways to "conveniently" keep myself from doing what gives me so much fulfillment in posting to this blog. I haven't made excuses. I've had a heck of a lot going on, as most working adults trying to build a good life do. But I'm also aware that I've often refused to post until I had an essay that was as close to "perfect" in my eyes as it could get , thus  - you guessed it - completely acting against the mission of this blog. Yes, I love to write.  Yes, I have a very long way to go to become the writer I someday hope to be. But this is a blog about beauty and truth. My absolute favorite thing about it (I've said it many times, so forgive me for putting it out there one more time) is sharing that with whoever happens to be reading ; sharing it with you.  Somewhere in the past few months, that seems to have taken an unfortunate backseat. So... from here on out, that's exactly what I aim to do.

I honestly have no clue what format, if any, I'm going to follow. But I can say for certain that those pesky ideas that I've been squelching until they're "perfectly expressed" (oh, please!) will be brought to the forefront ASAP. Maybe it will be some random thoughts I have about something I saw on TV or an interaction I had with a friend or co-worker. Maybe I'll share some sites filled with visually creatively beauty that I've been lucky enough to learn of, or maybe I'll have some interactive posts. Maybe some polls, interviews,changing the layout - who knows?! But I will be sharing, and I'm looking forward to it.

Stay tuned....I plan on kicking off some "random" posts in the next day or two, and I'd love to share them with you.

Sparks of Beauty gets personal.....a series of sharing the "little things" I find to be extraordinary.

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now, and do it."  - William Durant

If only my enthusiasm for sharing thoughts on self-worth and beauty or the wonderful stories and songs many friends have relayed for part of my little underwear dancing project matched the time I actually had to sit down and write something worth reading. Alas, that is unfortunately not the case. I have a pretty excellent excuse, as I’m finally working again ,which means my physical health has grown by leaps and bounds – hooray! – but I do find myself wishing there were a few more hours in the day for the sole purpose of writing, particularly writing for this blog on a regular basis. Though averaging a mere post or two a month, sharing my thoughts via Democracy of Beauty, has in many way been the saving grace of my self worth since saying goodbye to New York. I’ve stated numerous times that this blog helps me every bit as much as anyone reading it, and I whole heartedly stand by that affirmation. That is exactly what is compelling me to write this evening despite my body casting a vote for sitting around and doing absolutely nothing. Though tempted to take a stab at writing an accompaniment to some of those yet to be shared dancin’ in your drawers tales sent my way, something inside is definitively pulling me to share something a bit more personal. I only hope it’s not selfish to admit that writing it is as much for my benefit as yours.

As I’m continuing to adjust to my new hometown and everything that entails, it’s easy to dismiss just how much change I’ve gone through over the past 7 months or so and wind up being hard on myself when I struggle with my self worth. I’ve always been one of those deep feeling gals who truly takes most everything to heart, and so – at the risk of sounding like a broken record – I turn anything and everything not up to par inward and use it to back up every fault my inner critic says I possess. Some of these things are related to who I am as a person, but  lately I’ve become more and more aware of just how often they seem to regard my physical appearance. I feel a bit like a hypocrite saying that, given what I "preach" about real beauty and how vital it is to our happiness as human beings that we recognize and value it, but I can assure you with everything in me that all that I’ve written is what I truly believe deep inside. It’s incredibly frustrating to know what is true and still struggle to recognize it in yourself. That has been my personal struggle as of late,and I would easily take a wild guess that I’m far from alone in it. I know what I’ve been through and I know why I have issues with myself in the manner I do, but that does nothing to lessen the burden.  Meeting new people who eventually learn that I had lived in New York for many years usually elicits admiration and even awe from those who have never ventured to such a place all by themselves, often stating how "brave" or "strong" I must be. For me the brave and strong part was always that I went there to conquer my anorexia and find myself.... and I succeeded, but as unbelievably difficult as that was, I would say that what I have been through this year is quite possibly the most difficulty I have ever faced. Not just what I lost, gave up and fought for with regard to getting healthy and  learning to live my life again, but working every step of the way to truly value myself in every sense of the word. Anyone who dares to enter the battle of true self-acceptance is a warrior in my eyes,and that’s a battle I am determined to win once and for all.

Sure, we’re all only human and we will always have doubts and fears that creep up on us and let that negative self-talk loose, but I’m talking about not letting it rule me and ruin all the fantastic things I’m fortunate enough to have in my life. I’m certainly no therapist and to pretend that I know a way to guarantee self-worth would be ridiculous. But what my experience over the past year and a half or so – particularly the past seven months – has been able to reveal to me is how very much there is to appreciate about myself, my body, and my life. In my grandest hopes and dreams, I never would have imagined myself being where I am now. I am getting physically healthier every day, and constantly learning new ways to continue to keep my body strong. I’m able to work for the first time in over a year. And, most importantly, I think more than ever before, I am truly myself, and those near and far who I am lucky enough to have in my life, accept and love that real me more than anyone ever has. This “should” be enough, or at least that’s what I tell myself when I’m feeling particularly critical. But old habits, coping skills, and the constant barrage of the superficial, appearance obsessed culture we live in are holding on for dear life. I may be strong enough to toss all that aside with a mere finger when I look at someone else, but when I look at myself I often feel paralyzed to anything but accepting those ugly lies. As much as I love so many things about New York City, it and some of the people that I unfortunately chose to have in my life at the time, did a real number on the fight in me when it comes to superficial qualities. It would have been hard enough after dealing with the health issues I faced and what they did to my body, but having that constant outward value shoved in my face nearly every time I stepped outside my apartment has made it even more so. Though those negative individuals have been out of my life for many months, what they drummed into my subconscious lingers and gives a near continuous shot of power to every self- doubt I already possessed deep inside. For once it’s not anyone around me that doesn’t think I’m good enough; it’s me. Sure, there are outside factors.The simplest of these is that I’m now living in a college town which means a lot of much younger women whose bodies have yet to go through even a fraction of the wear and tear that I have been through. I live in an apartment complex with several of them and am now working with a few as well.  It hasn’t been easy to conquer the thoughts that go through my mind. But when I take a good look at what I have in my life and realize that I alone,really am the only one in my life who’s thinking such things, I know that no matter how difficult it may seem, I’m more than capable if I set my mind to it. And I honestly believe that if you surround yourself with the same attitude, you will be more than capable too, no matter how daunting it seems at its worst.

It’s funny how any time I seem to have some sort of breakthrough regarding my self-worth, life just loves to test me. Just last week I had a pretty “interesting” experience that really forced me to take a look at what I value and what’s really important to me at the end of the day. Over the past two months or so I’ve begun to workout again. At first it was just dvds in my apartment, but I have since graduated to going to the great little gym for the tenants of my complex just across the parking lot. I’m nowhere near the level of fitness I hope to be, but at this point in my life, I’m more than happy to be able to do what I’m able to do now. The first couple times I had gone I was either alone or sharing the space with a couple guys that were as much in their own little workout zone as I like to be, so I felt about as comfortable as could be expected. But last week, the day after I’d done some very serious thinking about how much I needed to do everything I could to stop judging myself so harshly and was feeling quite positive,  a young woman is in the gym as I approach. I see through the window that she is very fit and probably several years younger than me, but whatever... I could suck it up and focus on myself and my music. No problem. At least that’s what I thought until I entered the gym and saw that not only was this woman watching one of those top model tv shows, she also had the volume turned up to what I would estimate was as loud as it could possibly go. So that’s a super fit young girl running effortlessly on the treadmill next to me, 8 runway models from that ever triggering city of New York coming at me at full volume, and I’m not done yet. The small building that houses our one room gym leads directly out to the complex’s inground pool. There are three sizable windows that allow for gazing out as much as looking in, though I can’t imagine why anyone lounging by the pool on a beautiful day would want to look at some sweaty person on a treadmill. Yet sure enough, there were about five or so young women lounging by the pool with their tanned and toned bikini bodies on full display, and it only took a few minutes of me being on the elliptical machine for them to notice me. Who knows why so many young adults still seem to get a rush out of whispering about others in plain view in the not so subtle way that eerily reminds me of junior high, but it often seems  they do. For all I know they could have been saying something positive about me, but being in the vulnerable position of wearing form fitting workout attire next to Miss Fitness USA over there with ears and eyes being overwhelmed with models going on about how stressful it is to be so beautiful, and having a gaggle of college girls in bikinis looking at me, it didn’t matter what they were saying – I ached to find a dark hole to crawl in and hide. But that’s not what I did. Instead I took a few slow, deep breaths and a mental step back to assess the situation calmly and rationally. I really wasn’t sure whether I would be able to withstand all these triggers at once or not, but I knew if I walked away it was going to be because that was the healthiest thing for me to do. I thought for a few minutes about why it was important to me to exercise, why I had chosen this time of day, and how I would benefit from it. I thought about indescribably grateful I am for the amazing fact that my body is actually capable of working out less than a year after not knowing whether I’d ever be healthy and strong. I thought about how many important changes I’ve made in my day to day lifestyle for the specific purpose of helping my body to continue to heal and strenghten inside and out, and how proud I am of that. And lastly I thought about all the important people in my life. Though I write quite openly and honestly about my struggles with body image and self-acceptance, I don’t like to write about those close to me unless it is vital to the post. In this age of our every thought being shared in a split second, I’ve gained a great appreciation for privacy. That said, I will share that I have never felt more accepted and “good enough” just as I am than when I am talking with or spending time with those that are an integral part of my life. I thought about how they would see me if they happened to pass by the gym window, and realized that they would see me, Sara, and be so, so happy and grateful that I was taking care of myself and continuing to grow in health and strength. I knew what I had to do. I cranked up my iTunes’ volume as loud as it would go, focused on the blue sky barely visible through the top portion of that window and did my thing. I’ll say again that it wasn’t easy, but the more I tuned out all the triggers, the more into the music and my workout I became. With about five minutes left in my workout the model watcher left and I promptly jumped down from my elliptical perch and turned that ridiculous show off. Before I resumed I took a minute to acknowledge how wonderful it felt, even through the difficulty, to know that I was not being ruled by my negative self-image. I was appreciating my body, myself, my life. What better time to also acknowledge that all this appreciation was taking place on a beautiful sun filled, summer day in my equally beautiful new home state. I felt some theme music was appropriate and so I finished my run to this awesome little tune. The “workout complete - - great job!” message on that elliptical machine’s tiny screen has never felt better.

LOST AND FOUND

  
  "Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."   - After the Storm by Mumford & Sons


I mentioned in my initial “comeback” post,that it was others’ feedback that ultimately convinced me to give this blog another go, but I failed to mention that that same feedback also led to my own revisiting of previous posts,taking the time to reread what had been shared. My all too frequent tendency to criticize my work after the fact – as many of you fellow creative souls out there know all too well – admittedly led to an almost involuntary mental note of everything I disliked about my own writing,everything I “should have” written instead. But the interesting thing was that that persona of critic in overdrive started to lose its power as I began to really hear, really take in, what so many of my friends and acquaintances had been honest and brave enough to say out loud. To be perfectly frank, it was a very moving experience for me. I initially began this project in the hopes of trying to help a few people who had perhaps endured the same battling of oneself as I did.  Yet several years later,here I was, at the true rock-bottom of my life thus far, and they were helping me . Though laden with emotionalism and inner turmoil,there was no denying that it felt extraordinary.

As I read, I became aware of some similar themes among those interviewed. One in particular hit me in a way that rivaled a reaction to any great literary or cinematic reveal that seems to stir every cell in my body when I finally “get” it.  Each person had, in their own way, expressed the belief that beauty is truth. Beauty is truth. I repeated this to myself over and over again,not understanding why that simple statement would elicit such deep thought. It had taken hold of my mind, stirred something deep down inside, and was not about to let go simply because I acknowledged its presence. I had to face it head on. And then, just like that,there it was -the big reveal. The orchestral accompaniment of my imagination swelled, the goose bumps covered my arms, the tears began to sting my eyes, and I realized what it meant to me, what that simple phrase was so blatantly teaching me.

Over the past year and a half I have lost so much - seemingly everything that I had come to know as my life. One thing after another; It seemed endless. If you have been through any type of health difficulty– whether chronic or acute – you surely understand the devastation that can stem from the simple fact that your body can no longer function properly. Everyone’s struggle is personal and unique, and I certainly don’t want to compare wounds or measure anyone’s pain against my own. But change can be very difficult, and when that change is so painful and out of one’s control, I can’t help but imagine that feelings similar to my own would arise. The more I lost, the more the effect on my emotional life and self-worth became indescribably unbearable. Being unable to spend quality time with family or simply have fun – real fun - with friends, losing the ability to work and support myself, being unable to live in the space I called my own, having to fully rely on others because I literally couldn’t do much on my own– how could I help but feel I was losing myself?  It must sound fairly simple, as in, “of course  that would happen, Sara!”, but having deemed myself a strong,independent young woman,courageously following the lifestyle of a weeble*- metaphorically speaking - this realization was earth shattering.  (* in case you’re wondering, “weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down”) The self proclaimed tough cookie had crumbled, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had not only lost seemingly everything - most of all, I lost that unique person, the real me that I had finally allowed myself to become after so many years of struggling .  So that’s health, job, apartment, presumed friends, the amazing city I had called home for over 9 years - gone. And that’s just scratching the surface. To share any more specific details about it in this format would, I feel, be an injustice to its significance and unfair to myself, given how very personal and sensitive an issue it is to find yourself questioning your identity and worth as a person. But the lesson is not in the details, it’s in that simple phrase that I couldn’t shake.

I assumed that my self-worth had sunk to uncharted depths due to the continuous cycle of trying and failing – to be healthy, content, just plain okay. I felt forced to resign myself to survival mode. The road ahead seemed never ending,every minute that passed, another piece of me going with it. I was nothing more than a defective body, a shell of what used to be. Nothing, where a vibrant, passionate, heart, mind,and whole person used to reside. At least that’s what I believed. But as a seeker of truth, how was I so blindly accepting this as fact? Where was I getting all the evidence to prove my theory?  It wasn’t until that moment of hitting the bottom - when I knew I had lost what I thought was just about everything I had to lose - that I finally came to see the truth. The truth that I didn’t realize I had stopped seeking long ago. I thought I had lost myself because I didn’t have the same outward identity I once did;on the exterior I wasn’t the same. But the only real failures with regard to being myself came from seeking what wasn’t true and trying to become what I am not. I had stopped trying to get myself back, instead trying desperately to measure up to some imaginary idea of perfection that seemed to belong to everyone but me. The more I lost,the more “beautiful” every other young female looked to me. I ached for every absurd societal standard of what makes a person “ pretty”,intelligent, interesting, unique - even lovable, and I never once questioned my allowance of that longing to hurt me so. The more I hurt, the more I lost, and the more I lost, the more value I placed on those things I wasn’t.  Sadly, I never once bothered to take a look at who I was. Oh, I heard those around me who claimed to see me despite the hell surrounding me, but even turning to trusted friends faded until seeking only those who hadn’t learned the beauty and worth of what is real became the norm. I looked to those who could confirm that I was worthless. I can’t pinpoint what led me back to the truth in exactness, but I have felt it. The grieving, the pain, the loss – it’s still there too. But for the first time in a very long time, so am I. Me. Sara.

I can’t tell you how often I feel as if I’ve been dropped headfirst into a whirlpool , struggling to keep my head above the water all by myself. But it’s me flailing about and barely treading water. And I am being completely, 100% honest when I say that realization feels incredible. I’ve also come to realize another truth by seeking just that ; I am not nearly as alone as I thought. Once I caught a glimpse of the real me, those fellow truth seekers who really valued that person, were right by my side, filled with joy at the sight of someone they hadn’t seen in quite some time. As I set off on my last trip to the city to pack up my “life” and say goodbye, I was panicked, terrified of losing what I had only just begun to rediscover. But something really fascinating occurred in its place. Because I knew who I was – in spite of my ever ready doubts and insecurities – all that I had longed for, all those absurd ideals and standards I had used as fuel for my self-loathing fire, no longer seemed desirable to me. Was Brooklyn still full of extremely attractive young people in ultra hip clothing? You bet. Were there perfectly healthy,successful people all over the city having extravagant nights out with their “friends” ? Absolutely. Did it change the value of knowing who I am? Astonishingly – no. At least not when I remembered what was true. I honestly couldn’t describe one other person that passed me on the street or in the local coffee shops, aside from those who, like me, sought what is real,and found it to be beautiful. And for that week, it was.

Since then it has been immensely difficult to keep that feeling ,as I’m still in the depths of dealing with all that loss, and the struggle to find what is essentially a new life in many aspects. But through it all - every tear, every sleepless night, every time it feels like I’ll never truly get there- I’m grateful. I‘m grateful because in losing everything, I found myself.  It may take excruciating effort to notice at first, and it may take quite some time for the dust to settle enough to see it even half clearly, but I can say without giving it a second thought, that I can look at what has happened to me and find so much that is extraordinarily beautiful - because it’s rooted in truth.

Many friends will likely recognize the photo below from my former “existence” on Facebook, and though I’ve received kindhearted compliments on its” beauty” since posting it, I don’t know that I’ve shared the story behind it with many people. That photo was taken on the single most disgustingly hot and humid night I have ever experienced - hands down. I had worked all day, staggered through the barely breathable air of my easily 110 degree Fahrenheit subway route, gone all the way home to go to the trouble of putting on a dress, and was now just trying to look “pretty” while my legs were nearly glued together with sweat. Being on the Brooklyn Bridge that night felt admittedly magical on a certain level , but truth be told, I was feeling pretty miserable and in desperate need of some AC.  Bet you couldn’t tell, could you? Never would’ve guessed by appearance alone, huh?  Want to know why? Because in that moment, that exact moment, I was very much me. The way I was dressed, the way I studied the stunning architectural structure with earnest awe, the wistful places that simply looking up led my imagination to wander through – that was all truth. There absolutely is beauty in truth, no matter how bad things may seem. With that in mind and heart, I’m looking forward to all that beauty that is yet to be found. And I definitely plan to wear a flower in my hair very soon.

TOM

"The thing that is really hard - and really amazing - is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."

- Anna Quindlen

As much as I despise the word "perfection", I'll admit that despite my best efforts, I seem to have -in one way or another - been in constant pursuit of this very state for the majority of my life. Growing up, I was pretty good at almost every endeavor undertaken - sometimes even really good. But I was never the best. To me, this meant failure. As I got a little older, this trend shifted more and more towards appearance related matters, and there's no question - obsession was the name of the game. It seemed the more I primped and preened to make myself "pretty", the more I felt like I would never be pretty enough. I would never look perfect, therefore I would never amount to anything. And it's pretty clear that the almost nine year battle with my eating disorder was the inevitable collision of these two fruitless quests for something that is simply an impossible feat for any human being to achieve. The better you are at it, the sicker you get. And the sicker you get, the closer you are to death. If death was the ultimate prize, then I was closer to perfection than I had ever been.

But since embarking on my journey to recovery several years ago, and discovering (and rediscovering) all the life that had been lost to me, I have gained a much healthier perspective regarding perfection. Being the best me that I can be is far more attractive to me than some unattainable physical standard that random people decided on and immediately proclaimed to be fact. But life is not always easy, and old habits die hard. One negative thought about myself leads to another, leads to another, and before I realize what's happening, there I am, back in that same old pattern in which I will never, ever be good enough. Being able to recognize beauty in so many different aspects of people and life around me does not mean that I'm immune to the pressures of today's society that - let's face it - can overwhelm even an extremely self-confident person. Intellectually, I know better - but that feeling inside takes a lot more than a few positive affirmations to make it dissipate. For me, it takes a knock-your-socks-off wake up call. And in a recent battle with negativity, that's exactly what I got, via an email from a close friend about an encounter he had with a young woman on the subway. He immediately thought of me and my blog, and I have since been trying to determine the best way to share it with all of you. I don't think it's any small coincidence that it also happens to be so relevant to the wonderful interview that you'll soon be reading.

My friend was seated on a bench at the subway platform, waiting for the train, when an attractive young woman sat down next to him. She was probably about 25 or 26, and based on her look and manner, he felt that she must have been a model. Almost immediately after sitting down, she opened her bag and took out some very rich red lipstick, which she carefully applied. Then she did a round with some foundation and concealer - searching her compact mirror for the tiniest blemish and immediately targeting it with her pad. Next she pulled out a second lip implement, this time a gloss to go over her already bright red lips - with no apparent effect. Moments later, the train arrived and they boarded. My friend took a seat, but she instead, stood in front of the closed door and proceeded to use it as a mirror while she fussed with herself - her hat, her hair, her clothing, etc. When she finally did sit down, she once again brought out the lipstick, followed by the compact. She continued to do this for about ten minutes straight, and to his eyes, she didn't look all that different from when she first sat down on the platform bench - except for that fact that her lips were perhaps a little brighter. He said that he couldn't help but see in her procedures, a nervousness - as if she feared she would overlook some imperfections, and no matter how many minutes of every hour she spent touching up, she would never look right or feel good enough. He thought perhaps she was en route to an audition or shoot, and that was why she was making such a fuss. But maybe she couldn't help it, and that thought made him sad. So as he exited the train, he passed in front of her - where her pad was still moving feverishly about her face - and said, "Look, I'm a stranger, so I hope I'm not too forward - but you look great." She smiled and thanked him as he left the car and went on his way, hoping that maybe she would put her compact away and just enjoy the train ride to wherever she was going. Maybe his candid reassurance of her beauty would help her to put things in perspective. Maybe not.

As I finished the email, I began to cry. I may not have the physicality of a model, but in many ways, I saw myself in that young woman. Yes, I've grown by leaps and bounds when it comes to accepting and appreciating myself the way I am, but that old insecurity still found a way to rear its ugly head - and it took the recognition of it in a complete stranger to get me to realize it. I'm sure that my friend's compliment regarding her appearance did reassure her and help her to relax for a bit - but for how long? An hour? Twenty minutes? Five? We can only find true reassurance and acceptance within ourselves, and that's no easy task. But the fact that I've been able to do it - even if only temporarily - is proof that it can be done and proof to me that life is definitely more rewarding when it is. This blog, and particularly these wonderful interviews, continue to help and inspire me, and it's my hope that they'll continue to do the same for you.

This latest chat with my friend, Tom, was so honest and in depth that we talked far beyond the recording capacity of the 60 minute cassette, and the tape - unbeknownst to us - came completely off the frame and was unable to be played back. Luckily, after much trial and error, another friend was able to repair the tape, so that I can share with you the part of the interview that was recorded. It's far from easy to be truly candid in discussions like these, but Tom went above and beyond the call of duty. Perhaps the plethora of super hero knowledge he's acquired from editing comics has made "going above and beyond..." par for the course. At any rate, I was and am deeply moved and inspired by his thoughts, and I hope you will be too.

I seem to recall Tom -who also happens to be writer and comedian- jokingly remark that "pretty" people don't work in comics. Well, based on this interview, there's at least one person who's definitely adding some real beauty to that medium. And I'd venture to guess that I'm not alone in that opinion.


So, other than the fact that I strongly suggested you do an interview based on our recent conversations, what was it that drew you to this project?


I'm not entirely certain what it is that drew me to this project, because my self image is something I don't make too big a deal of in conversations with people. It's something that you really wouldn't know is such a big deal to me unless I took the time to explain how it is such a big deal to me. The fact is, I'm frequently late to work with how much I kinda fuss over my appearance in the morning - not just in an egotistical way. I'm very nervous to look so bland and put so much effort into it. It's much more than you would think. And just in general, the concept of beauty in the abstract is very intriguing to me, cause it's something I keep very quiet about to myself. But it is something I think about and obsess on a lot. It's kind of interesting to see a situation where I could finally talk about it in a freer manner than I normally do.


I realize this is difficult to do on the spur of the moment, but how would you define beauty? What is beauty, to you?


It's interesting...when you get older - that's a weird thing to say when you're in your 20's - but suddenly a simple question is no longer easy to answer. I remember the first day of this art history class, sophomore year of high school - the teacher asked us all to scream for him and none of us would...we had no idea what this nutcase was asking us. But he also asked us, "How many of you like to draw?" and half the class put their hands up. He asked those of us who didn't, "What do you mean? When you were a kid, if you wanted to draw your mom and dad, you drew a circle, some sticks for arms, and that was your mom and dad!" . Now you want to come up with a really complex answer, cause you're afraid if you say, "Ooh..a sunset!" , it's a cliche'. I'd say beauty is when something is done the right way - whatever it is. Like, you see the "master" of something - whether or not they're famous - do something that they do so well, and there's something beautiful to it. If you watch a really fantastic artist draw something, it's less the act of them drawing....or you know, a really fantastic musician playing - if you look at their eyes, it's the intensity and excitement that they get doing what they do so well, because of a devotion to it. And I guess somewhere in there you could find my definition of what beauty means to me. The easy answer is "Oh, beauty is truth", but that was already written by someone a very long time ago. But reality is a very beautiful thing to me, and I guess my definition of beauty is seeing something the way it's meant to be.


Now this is a difficult question, or at least I think it will be, based on what you've shared with me. What do you consider to be your most beautiful attribute? And it doesn't have to be physical. It can be physical, not physical, or both. Whatever you feel.


You've asked that question at a very interesting time, cause the last couple weeks I've been at the all time low of my self esteem - so that's a tough call. My most beautiful attribute.....Well, physically, I really like my hair. I think it's good hair. Right now it's kinda short, it's not where I want it to be...but I come from people with very, very good hair. Hmm. I would say, probably for me, my most beautiful attribute - without getting too full of myself....


You can get full of yourself.


Good, cause I'm gonna. Okay - it's weird to me how much I care about other people, people I barely know. As I've mentioned before in conversation with you, I guess I'm a really good listener because a lot of people feel comfortable telling me things about themselves and about problems or situations they may have. And I do find myself inexplicably drawn to, if not help out, then at least listen. So few people listen to people. So few people will take the time to sit down if you have a problem. I frequently feel like I can't really talk to anyone about my problems, so I like the fact that I'm able to listen and be there for people. And I think that if more people had someone who heard them, their lives would be a lot easier. I am proud of myself, that I'm willing to recognize and do my best - without being too obnoxious - to be there for them.



Is there something in particular that you've struggled with regarding your appearance....that you've either overcome or are working on overcoming? If so, how did you do it, or what are you currently doing to change how you feel about it?


I think the answer to that is twofold. One thing that I have not overcome and am very aggravated with myself for, is that I'm not in particularly good shape. I could stand to be in a lot better shape. A lot of my friends are excited about beach season, but I am not. I do not have a particularly in shape upper body, and I intend to work on that. It doesn't help that I've got a certain amount of body hair too, but that's something that I can easily take care of with 60 bucks and a Russian woman with wax. Painful, painful wax....

For a long time I have struggled with and am aggressively working on my posture. I slouch a lot, slump a lot. I say this as I sit incredibly inappropriately on this bench. But, you know- it's nighttime, it's different. I've noticed that it does a lot for my mood and it does a lot for how people perceive me when I stand up straight. In general, I do feel better about myself when I sit upright and balanced. Something I've told no one....I am looking into ballet classes at the recommendation of my boss, who was an actor back in the olden days. Yeah, that's right. I do not carry myself as well as I should, and I'm working on it. But I tend to kind of hide in myself, and I'm trying not to.



Do you think that it has more to do with insecurities about who you are as a person that make you carry yourself that way, which maybe in turn, makes you feel less confident about yourself physically?


Absolutely. I was an incredibly shy child. I was very, very quiet. In a lot of ways I've gotten over that, but in other ways, I am still very much a quiet person. People who know me personally, would be shocked to see me at work, where I'm very serious and very quiet. Whereas when I'm out of work, I'm very loud and - not loud - but I'm very communicative. There's a lot to that sort of, do my best to not be noticed, and I'm working on that. I'd say my fashion sense had a lot to do with that for a while. For the longest time, I had as nondescript a fashion sense as you could imagine. I was like a cartoon character. T-shirt, jeans - that's it. And in the last couple years, I really kinda pushed it to....to dress a little bit more like an adult. I still tend to dress in much darker, more autumn like colors, cause it can still be kind of camouflage, but I'm gettin' there. I'm gettin' there. I am constantly in this battle of trying to get noticed, while trying not to get noticed. I'm not sure what it is. I think I'm naturally predisposed to a more introverted kind of lifestyle, but at the same time, I feel I have a lot to offer in terms of talent, drive, and care....and I don't feel like it's the right thing to stay shy. It's like " Oh, I'm over here!/ Don't worry about it." And I'd say a lot of that does have to do with the way I carry myself, in hopes that I could just kinda physically disappear.


So, if you could change one thing about our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?


What would I like to change......it does seem increasingly equated with money. I cannot figure out for the life of me, why people think that certain wealthy celebrities are beautiful. And I wish we would stop bluffing around the term. You know that woman - what's her name - Susan Boyle? The British woman who's on that show....and everyone's so shocked that she's such a good singer - like people who aren't "pretty" can't be good singers. People can't figure out, "Why is it so exciting? Why is it so exciting?". It's like well, we're all so excited because someone who's not considered pretty was successful! I just wish we would stop bullshitting it so much and stop acting like we can't figure it out. Like, " Oh, good looking people are successful - why?!". We all know why, cause we all want to be them, and we all know why we're so excited about stories like this, because it's so "shocking" that an unattractive person would be talented at something. If that's the way it's gonna be, that's too bad. A lot of talented singers are gonna have better careers in the recording studio than they are performing, and that's too bad. But if that's the way it's gonna be- fine. I just wish we'd stop acting like it was such a shock.

I do feel in general, beauty is a term loosely thrown around. You wanna say someone's good looking- fine, but so many extreme words are just thrown around in the media and attached to everything. The word "beautiful" is ascribed to every attractive or good looking actress. I mean, there are a lot of good looking actresses who I wouldn't necessarily call beautiful. I do feel there's a standard. What I'd change about that standard - I don't know. It's such an arbitrary thing, and it's such an opinion based thing, that I don't like that it's thrown around as fact, I guess. Someone may be good looking, but that doesn't make them beautiful. And at the same time, there are a lot of beautiful people who may not be stereotypically good looking. It's just like, enough papers and enough opinions are out there that have all effectively argued the fact that our culture places such a priority on physical beauty. I wish we would stop acting like we don't know what the solution is to this kind of problem. Like, "Boy- this kind of culture of glorifying people just for their physical attributes, personal wealth, and expensive clothing has somehow led to all these negative effects - but what could we possibly do to stem it? ". You know - stop. That's it. Not do what we do every day. I used to work on the CBS Early Show as a production assistant, and we'd have models on all the time. And it was weird looking at them - same with a few anchors - when they first get there in the morning. You realize that certain people are just genetically designed in a way that the camera is good to them. I mean, I can see that they're pretty, but you eliminate that camera, and they might not be held up as this epitome of beauty.

It's kind of baffling to me that after all the discussion we've had, in this age of so much information, when so many voices can be heard and so many people have a chance - we still can't get past this. We still can't man up and say, this is incredibly wrong...the way we hold - girls really more than guys. Guys too, but much more girls - to this unfair standard that is destroying their lives and destroying how they are. The answer's there. We just have to stop pretending that we don't know how to face the problem because we realize how much money there is to be made in selling stuff with pretty people. That's the one piece of good that I hope comes out of this whole Susan Boyle thing. Maybe we'll start believing, boy- you don't have to be "pretty" to sell things! But it is ridiculous to me. Everyone's just so afraid of losing money and that they can't win the fight, that no one will step up and say we should stop doing this. There are a lot of "this's" that we know how to stop doing, but don't. And in my opinion, one big one is our society's obsession with pretty people.

MORGAN

"And I just want my life to be true.
And I just want my heart to be true.
And I just want my words to be true.

I want my soul to feel brand new."

- A Gift For Melody Anne by The Avett Brothers

The quest. Such an exhilarating prospect. I was born with a seemingly insatiable need to know, and I have been searching and exploring for as long as I can remember. Whether navigating my way through the "forbidden" forest of pine trees in a neighbor's yard, daring to have our club meeting on the ledge of "Dead Man's Cliff" (in actuality, a small but steep hill filled with unruly weeds), testing the neighborhood mailbox to see if it made a good sliding board (it did), or turning the old oak tree into an impromptu basketball hoop -- my childhood had no limit to possibilities. Even as a young adult, moving solo to an enormous city in which I knew no one was the perfect example of that need to search and discover. But I find that the circumstances surrounding this constant quest change greatly for many of us as we grow. As adults, the search seems to become less about appreciating what we've found and more about taking our latest discovery and judging it, analyzing it, and then moving on to see if we might find something even better. I'm every bit as guilty as the next person , but I feel that in this analysis and picking apart , we often lose the beauty of the circumstances, the person, the moment.

What fascinates me about Morgan is that he still explores with the curiosity of a child, yet has the wisdom to appreciate it for what it is before moving on to something else. Beauty seems to follow him wherever he goes, but in actuality, he's simply noticing it, taking it in, appreciating it. He continues on his search , not because there is something better, but because there is something different, something beautiful in a way that's not quite like anything he's noticed before. Each new discovery making his world a little more beautiful along the way. Pretty wise for a young soul.

We had scheduled our little interview on a day that started out a less than great day for both of us, but keeping with Morgan's philosophy, we not only met to chat anyway, but also found a neat little park that neither of us had been to before. Perhaps circumstances were not the best, and maybe the park wasn't the grandest or prettiest park in Brooklyn, but it was still beautiful in its own unique way. A way that , had I not put my worries aside and sat down to discuss, listen, notice, and appreciate, I may have missed entirely.

Although somewhat condensed for time and effect, what you are about to read are Morgan's candid thoughts on beauty. He expressed an interest in being interviewed after his very first reading of the blog , and I was more than willing to hear any new ideas he might have in mind. He said that he would prefer to have more of a real time discussion instead of writing out his thoughts and possibly over thinking things a bit , so that's just what we did. Armed with a tape recorder-- complete with a microphone, no less--we hit a cozy park bench and chatted for the better part of an hour. Once I realized that I had the recorder on "hold", and therefore was not recording anything , we were able to remedy the situation and have a discussion that certainly left me with the sense that world was even more beautiful than when we first sat down. Enjoy......

So, what was it about the blog that peaked your interest and made you want to be a part of it?


Do you want to test it again and see if it's okay? Test, Test, Test. Hopefully this will work....I think that the conversation is one that should happen and doesn't happen often enough. I feel like, in leaving the concept of beauty up to external forces--often times advertisers who are trying to sell you something--you lose a lot of the complexity and the variety. A variety of things can be beautiful, and there are different types of beauty. It's not just as simple as I think it's often made out to be.


On that note, I'll ask you what beauty is to you?


I think at its very core , beauty is a way of looking at the world. There are so many different facets to it. There's physical beauty, but there's also natural beauty--and different people see different things as beautiful. It really is in the eye of the beholder in the sense that any number of people can look at the exact same thing, and some will think it's beautiful and some will not. And just because there's a consensus on something doesn't necessarily make it any more or less true for any one individual.



You said that you think this is a conversation that should happen. Do you think that people are afraid to talk about beauty, and if so, why do you think that is?

I don't know....maybe not afraid, but I feel like there are a lot of conversations that people tend not to have because it's a conversation that goes a little bit deeper. Most conversations are , "Hi... How are you?", and it's implied that the answer should just be, "Fine". There are a lot of conversations that people don't tend to have because it makes life easier not to think too much about specific topics, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it. And that's one of the reasons--again, going back--that interested me in doing this blog. It's actually an attempt to restart the conversation and something that dares to go beyond the basic, "How are you?", and actually look for some kind of truth. That, in its own way, is a beautiful thing.


Truth?


Oh yeah.



Still rolling--that's good. Another question I normally ask is, what is your most beautiful attribute? It can be physical...or not. Or both! Whatever you think.


The physical attribute I've gotten told the most often would be my eyes, but if it was up to me, I would say it would not be physical, and I would go with my sense of adventure. I think that is my most beautiful attribute.



As far as physical beauty goes, do you have any hang-ups about your appearance that you've overcome?


Yeah....I mean, I definitely have physical hang-ups. I think everyone does. The biggest one would be that I was always a little on the chubbier side, and in the last year I've lost like 30 lbs., so that's probably....



I never would have guessed that.


I get that a lot, which is strange because for so long I was the funny, chubby kid. You know ,if life was a teen movie, I was the overweight best friend. I was the sweet funny character. That is what I did.



I'm trying to come up with a question that has to do with your being an actor, but I'm drawing a blank.


I've got something! So, truth and beauty, I feel , go hand in hand. There's beauty to truth, even if it's not an attractive truth. As long as it's something that's really true, I feel like it's got some degree of beauty to it. I like acting and theatre because I feel like, at its best, it's searching for moments of truth, and that is a beautiful thing. I definitely know that when I see something that's really beautiful, it strikes me as true, and if I see something that I feel is untruthful, regardless of its physical beauty, I'm completely unattracted to it. That extends itself into people too. The truth is easy. It's buoyant. Where as dishonesty is heavy, and you have to fight to keep it above water. When you let go of deception--of yourself or others--it's just so much easier. And the positivity in that--the lightness--can be really beautiful. You're free to express whatever or whoever you want to be, and I think that freedom can be beautiful as well. I think that everything positive is connected, and if you make the simple decision that you want to live life with beauty and truth and lightness and ease, it starts a domino effect, and that can't help but improve the world--as lofty as that sounds.



If you could change one thing about society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?



I would say that I'd like to see more flexibility. I feel that there's such a rigid idea of what's beautiful, and it changes. What's beautiful to society now is not what was beautiful a couple hundred years ago. And who knows, in another couple hundred years, what it will be. Kinda broaden the horizons a little bit. Like, if you're not blond with giant boobs, you can still be beautiful. I had a job in the fashion industry for a little while, and one day my job was to take pictures of models--not as professional photography--but to send off because they were trying to decide which model to use. It was the first time I had seen a bunch of models up close. So often they're held up as the epitome of beauty. They do have a strange kind of beauty about them , but I personally, didn't think a single one of them was attractive. I think it's strange that such an emphasis is placed on such a limited kind of beauty, and then that becomes the ideal that people are trying to match themselves to. I feel like without the fashion industry, those people might not be held up as beautiful. I think that's not what most people should be going for, and I discourage anyone from trying to be that.



Lastly, to take a note from one of our Michael Chekhov exercises, what are some things--off the top of your head--that you find beautiful?


Babies. Little babies? Adorable! Tiny little fingers, little fingernails--they're so small! It's amazing! And puppy dogs. I have to be dragged away from pet store windows, lest I break in and steal all the puppies and take them home with me. Natural beauty is a big one for me, and that's a little hard coming from California and living in New York now. New York's got a different kind of beauty. I feel it's a little harder to find. Natural beauty is more accessible. In California there's the rocky coast lines and the redwood trees and the fog rolling in off the ocean. That's gonna be beautiful either way. But at the same time, a full moon peeking out from behind a giant skyscraper can be its own kind of beautiful. It just depends on how you want to see it, because most everything can be beautiful if you want it to be.

I really do think it can be a conscious choice. You can just decide you want the world to be a beautiful place, and then you'll look for it. And because you're looking for it, you'll find it. And you'll find it in places that you didn't think you would find it. I can't put a specific moment on when I made that decision, but it was definitely within the last few years. I wasn't unhappy, but definitely not enjoying life as much as I am now, and part of it was just a decision that I was gonna enjoy it and it was gonna be beautiful. And now it is. When I see people who don't see beautiful things, it baffles me now. It seems so basic a thing to see a tree that's starting to bloom because it's Spring, and think that's beautiful. I can't imagine living life if you weren't able to enjoy the simple things that are beautiful....

Paintings. Sculptures. With art it's almost a physical reaction for me. I like playing the "wander-through-the-museum-and-pick-what-you-would-take-home" game. Walk into a room and see what jumps out at you, what's the first thing that smacks you across the face. Like, " Wow. I want THAT! Something about that says something about me, or connects with something in me". I think that's also part of beauty --the connection. And possibly connection to whoever made it. Somebody else thought that that was beautiful enough to make, so maybe it's a reaffirming of yourself and your feelings. It reconnects you to the human race at large. Theatre can do that too. Shakespeare is like that for me. That's why I love Shakespeare. It was written forever ago, and yet still it's like, this person who lived hundreds of years ago knows exactly how I feel. And I think maybe that's an aspect of beauty as well--the reconnecting and recognizing that other people have the same feelings.




The last beautiful thing that Morgan mentioned was actually prompted by me, based on his response when we had done this exercise with our theatre company. I distinctly remembered him mentioning baby ducks in free fall. Given that he's so well traveled and quite adventurous, I had to know if he had somehow witnessed this phenomenon in person. He had not, but he proceeded to share, in great and perfect detail, the tale of the baby ducks' first flight from the Planet Earth series. In the spirit of connection and the sharing of beauty that Morgan spoke of , I feel it fitting to leave you with a link to that very segment. Thank you, Morgan....

JENNIFER

"When you reach the heart of life, you shall find beauty in all things...even in the eyes that are blind to beauty." -Kahlil Gibran

25 Random Things About Me. Love it or hate it, if you've used facebook within the past month, you know all too well what I'm talking about. For those of you who have somehow managed to elude a facebook addiction thus far, it's exactly as it sounds -- an exercise where you're asked to come up with 25 interesting and possibly unknown facts about yourself, then share them with 300 or so of your closest online friends. We frequent facebookers have most likely been "tagged"-- or asked to share our own 25 facts-- at least 10 times in the past few weeks. The New York Times even ran a feature on this very phenomenon, offering an interesting debate about whether our current obsession with this fun little activity should be viewed as positive or negative. I myself have mixed feelings about it. That said, I can't deny that this exercise is solely responsible for the fruition of the wonderful interview you're about to read.

Jennifer and I met a few months ago,when she was invited to join an up-and-coming theatre company in the heart of midtown, of which I was also a fairly new member. The company was fortunate enough to have a huge influx of new talent at the time, so with the set-up of about 50 virtual strangers trying to get to know each other at once, Jen and I really didn't talk much , aside from the standard, "Hey!" or "Have a good night!". I did however,notice Jennifer. Her critiques and comments about presented work were always thought provoking and honest, obviously springing from a deep passion for the art of theatre. And her own excellent stage work immediately caught my attention and garnered my respect as a fellow actor. But it wasn't until we became facebook "friends" a few weeks ago, that we finally began to talk a little more.

One particular evening after logging in for my usual social networking fix, I noticed that Jennifer had posted her own 25 random facts. As I clicked to read them, I had no doubts that I would find her information interesting and entertaining,but I never expected a little post (on facebook of all places!) to be so profound. I knew immediately that I had to get Jen's thoughts on beauty. I hadn't spoken with her about the blog before, so I wasn't sure if she'd be willing to put herself out there--but her response was an emphatic yes,and I am truly thrilled to be able to share her thoughts with you. I'm sure it will inspire you as much as it has me. So thank you facebook and thank you Jen. I feel a full voiced, "You go, girl!" is definitely in order.


What is beauty?

To me beauty is equated with truth, with being present in the moment and really taking someone in....because if you are paying attention, there is a lot to discover in a person's body language. I think that the eyes are the most telling gauge of beauty in a person. There is beauty in the most angry gesture or look because within that is life, if it is an honest moment. And that is why I can see beauty in moments like death, in danger, sadness -- every sense is heightened at times like this. At times of great despair, if you can find the slightest hint of beauty in the people or environment you are surrounded by, you can find hope. I think of Fellini when I think of beauty, and how he was able to capture the beauty of life so effortlessly and gracefully in his films.



What is your most beautiful attribute and why? This can be physical or otherwise. (It depends on how you read the question!)

I think that on a physical level, my eyes and smile are the most beautiful attributes I have to share with the world. My eyes--not only because they are big and blue, but because of what you can read about me by looking into them. My smile--because it comes from a genuine place and is the matching half to my eyes. As for the non-physical beauty, I think my compassion, vulnerability, openness, my deep inner strength, and wisdom are what truly make me beautiful. Ok, that's not one thing, but there you have it :)



Name one body image hang-up that you've overcome or are working on overcoming. Tell me how you did it or what you're doing to change how you feel about it.

One (of several) body image hang-ups that I have is that I have stretch marks from weight gain/loss over the years, and they have always felt like some hideous road map on my skin. They have faded over the years, but they still feel like ugly scars to me. I guess what I am doing to try to change how I feel about it is to think of them as my own skin pattern, unique to my experience. They are a reminder of what I have gone through so that I may never take what I have now for granted.



If you could change one thing about the current standards of beauty in our society, what would it be?

Ugh. There are so many things wrong with the current standards of beauty. I think the whole system needs a re-working. But if I had to choose just one thing, it would be the obsession with perfect breasts. No wonder women have such hang-ups with their breasts, the way they are objectified by the media. As an actor, as well as a woman, I think there is tremendous pressure to have perfect, perky breasts. Please! I think Europeans are more sane and realistic on this issue. We are not Barbie dolls and shouldn't be expected to risk our health to look like one.