You are more beautiful than you think.....

This is incredibly powerful and so true. If you haven't seen this, please take a couple minutes to watch it. If you've already seen it, please watch it again.

Something's coming....something good ?

I'm fairly certain that I have maybe one or two followers who actually take the time to check this long ago neglected blog with the hope of finding some new and inspiring food for thought, but nonetheless it's on my heart (not merely my mind) that I take a few minutes today and speak to why I haven't been blogging. There are always the usual suspects ; overworked, too long a commute without yet having a car, trying to keep some semblance of a personal life, sleeping, eating....you know how it goes. But I am not ashamed to say that I am currently on a very tedious and seemingly precarious journey with myself, and it hasn't left me with much to write about in the vein of true beauty and self worth. Many details are not up for public discussion, but lest anyone get any false ideas about how I got to the place I am now, it is not due to any singular person or specific situation. It has as much to do with years and years ago as it does the recent past and even the present, and it is not necessarily a negative place to be. It is, however, an extremely difficult one.

As I'm writing this, I wonder if I've ever suggested taking the time - the true and necessary time- needed to learn to be okay with oneself in any of my past blogging. I'm sure that many- if not all- of my truly beautiful interviewees have alluded to this in one way or another during our discussions, but the magnitude of that step is often lost in the day to day struggles, or in many cases, an unbelievably painful life event or long term battle. I'm not sure where this road I'm on is leading, but I feel I've been given the gift of knowing that I need to devote this time to me, whether I believe I'm worth it right now or not. And that's where I am.

I honestly don't know how often I'll be writing. I have a pretty big itch to do some interviews but sadly, it's much harder to find the right people in my current home town. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely people here who embody beauty in the full and true meaning of the word, but I have a strong gut feeling that they also need to have a healthy level of self-worth and a kind and loving attitude toward themselves in order to benefit from the interview process. Small towns - I'm reminded after being in the city for so long- tend to breed insecurities at a higher rate, so we'll see. I may also post a link or two to articles I find that are relevant to society's role in our views of ourselves and positive ways we can combat the negative side of this aspect, but again, it depends on where I am. Regardless, I hope that as I continue to take this time for myself, you will be inspired to do the same in whatever way is best for you.


I do appreciate your continued positive thoughts, as I hope you appreciate mine, but please join me in viewing this as a positive beginning. I hope to be "in touch " again as soon as I can, and hopefully my growth in my own self-worth and true beauty will finally be where it needs to be to inspire others in the way my heart has always hoped to do. Something's comin', something good....if I can wait.

Sparks of Beauty gets adventurous....a series of sharing the "little things" I find to be extraordinary.

                                                  *photo by Taylor

“An adventure may be worn as a muddy spot or it may be worn as a proud insignia. It is the woman wearing it who makes it the one thing or the other.”   - Norma Shearer

I’m going to be completely honest here and say that I’ve wanted to write about this particular source of “beauty” since the very moment I first climbed inside a couple of months ago. That’s right; I’m talking about a 2001 silver Jeep Wrangler. Those who know me personally may not be surprised by the level of my enthusiasm, but those who know me only via my blogging may be slightly puzzled as to what on earth I could possibly find extraordinarily beautiful about a jeep. Well, that is exactly what I’m about to share with you.

I have written many a post about the beauty found in our differences as people and that which comes from learning to not only see, but to truly appreciate something that is unlike anything else you've gazed upon or experienced before.  I actually made a clear note of this very belief in the first entry of this Sparks of Beauty series; the act of instilling an awareness and appreciation that differs from my own way of looking at or doing something is beautiful to me.  Though completely unexpected, riding in this crazy little vehicle for the first time took that belief and offered actual proof of its truth in way I hadn’t experienced in years.  It would easily have qualified as what Oprah devotees would call an “aha moment”.   I’m not exaggerating when I say that roughly two and a half hours in the passenger seat – round trip -allowed me to feel something inside that I truly believed I had lost for good. It showed me that what I feared was gone forever was very much alive….and so was I.

My lack of any sort of real life over the past year and a half or so is no secret, and thus it should be no secret that fun was not part of my vocabulary during that time. On this particular afternoon -unseasonably warm and sunny for early April - I finally (finally!!!) had plans that were made with the sole intention of having fun and getting a break from some less than stellar circumstances that both my company for the evening and I were each muddling through in our respective lives. I was as excited as I’d imagine someone who had been through what I had been through could be. I was going to spend an evening in the awesome city of Pittsburgh with someone who was becoming a real friend. I was going to see a movie in the theatre for the first time in months. It was going to be great, or at least my version of “great” over the past few years, which basically meant it would be as good of an experience as someone who was so broken and depleted both physically and emotionally was capable of having. It would be fun at times, but I would still find myself not quite present, longing for a level of enjoyment that continued to elude me. Life had proven that this was inevitable. Nonetheless, I was not about to turn down even the smallest chance at joy. I was trying to find a reason to stay afloat and this seemed as good a chance as any, no matter how brief it might be.

I knew ahead of time that I would be riding in a Wrangler for several hours and to tell you the truth, as excited as I was, I was a little apprehensive. Let’s face it,  the media, with its countless ways of invading our homes each day ,is always ready to jump on the negative, especially if there is the slightest possibility that something could go wrong ; and jeeps aren’t exactly known for their stellar safety features. That plus the fact that my digestive issues aren’t quite known for cooperating when it comes to long car rides. But whatever - it would be an “experience”, an adventure if you will, and my curiosity won that little battle easily. Before I knew it, the jeep had arrived and if nothing else, I knew I was going to look super cool for the rest of that Saturday night.

I don’t know much – i.e. anything – about vehicles, having lived in a city where I didn’t need one for nine years, and I couldn’t tell an ultra expensive car from the most economical automobile if you paid me, but the sight of that rugged yet sleek silver jeep was immediately the epitome of vehicular coolness in the book of Sara. A taste of my apprehension returned when I noticed the sizable safety warning above the windshield– a warning that I will not repeat, as I don’t want to worry any family and friends who may be reading this, but I put my trust in the friend behind the wheel and we were off. You may be thinking, “That’s great, Sara, but isn’t this blog attempting to focus on the beauty that goes beyond the superficial and obvious? Aren’t you trying to look beneath the surface? So this was a visibly pleasing vehicle that was different than anything you’d ever ridden in. That’s great – but an “aha moment”?! Come on…” My reply would be that while this aspect of the jeep was a lot of fun on a certain level, if that had been the high point of the ride I wouldn’t be moved to write about it now. No - what happened is actually something that is difficult for me to put into words. I was riding down a road that I have ridden on countless times, in many different vehicles, as far back as I can recall, and yet it was new – brand new. Sitting a little higher, gazing at the passing trees, businesses, homes through this wide, rectangular windshield that allowed me to see so much more of the road and my surroundings than I had ever noticed before, feeling my entire body jostle and shift with every bump in the road. I felt everything – really felt it – and that was when it hit me. I realized what I had been given in all my loss – a new start, a fresh perspective, a different way of looking at and therefore living my life – and it was beautiful. For the first time in years, I felt hope – real hope. I felt more alive than I ever imagined I would feel again. I was enjoying each moment as it came, and for the first time in a very, very long time I had fun. Real fun. That momentary revelation in that jeep seemed to open the door to a whole new world for me, but it really wasn’t new - it was just a new way of looking at it that I may not have discovered otherwise. I had a wonderful time in Pittsburgh, and despite continued bumps in my road back to health and happiness, I have had many other truly fun experiences since that evening.

I've also been fortunate enough to have a recurring spot in the passenger seat of that Wrangler for many of those fun experiences, and that has not only served to cement my new found affection for this vehicle, it has also offered a blaring reminder that I am fully alive and I should embrace it each time I climb inside. Whether bumming a ride to a doctor’s appointment or taking a winding country road to reach a breathtaking scenic view of my new West Virginia hometown, it has been like a wonderful jolt of confidence and security as soon as I buckle up and the jeep rolls forward. I’ve done a bit of lay person reading on the jeep, to satisfy my own curiosity and to make sure I know what I’m writing about, and  that has only made it that much clearer to me why an SUV of sorts would have such an impact on my outlook. There are many mentions on various pro-jeep websites of the wrangler being for either the young or the young at heart. I realized that because of my entire teenage life being lost in a sense as a slave to anorexia and then moving to a city where no one drove, save cabbies, I had missed out on that feeling of freedom and exhilaration that comes from riding around as a young person. Couple that with the fact that just a few months ago, I truly felt like my life was as close to over as it could get, and it feels absolutely incredible to have this constant reminder that not only am I very much alive, I really haven’t missed out on anything. Far from it. I’m experiencing everything I could hope to experience, in the way that’s just right for me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I thought it might be fun to offer a link to a great little article I found regarding the pros and cons of owning a Wrangler. Much like my choice to live in the city that never sleeps for a time, a jeep is definitely an acquired taste. But regardless of your current level of interest or lack there of, I strongly suggest you give this list a look. I don’t know that it will serve to inspire you, but it’s my hope that knowing that something – anything- has inspired me so greatly when I thought nothing could will in turn, give you the little push you may be needing to discover your own source of inspiration, that little something that says, “You’re alive! It’s awesome! Enjoy it!”, whatever it may be. And if your interest is peaked enough to scan the pros and cons list, don’t let the cons scare you. Just make sure to ride with an experienced jeep owner and you’ll be just fine.  I can’t promise you’ll look as cool as if you were riding in the silver beauty pictured above - which by the way, is the only silver Wrangler with matching silver flairs in the city of Morgantown – but I can promise you that you will not care what you look like. You’ll be too busy having the time of your life.

Pros and Cons of owning a Jeep Wrangler

MORGAN

"And I just want my life to be true.
And I just want my heart to be true.
And I just want my words to be true.

I want my soul to feel brand new."

- A Gift For Melody Anne by The Avett Brothers

The quest. Such an exhilarating prospect. I was born with a seemingly insatiable need to know, and I have been searching and exploring for as long as I can remember. Whether navigating my way through the "forbidden" forest of pine trees in a neighbor's yard, daring to have our club meeting on the ledge of "Dead Man's Cliff" (in actuality, a small but steep hill filled with unruly weeds), testing the neighborhood mailbox to see if it made a good sliding board (it did), or turning the old oak tree into an impromptu basketball hoop -- my childhood had no limit to possibilities. Even as a young adult, moving solo to an enormous city in which I knew no one was the perfect example of that need to search and discover. But I find that the circumstances surrounding this constant quest change greatly for many of us as we grow. As adults, the search seems to become less about appreciating what we've found and more about taking our latest discovery and judging it, analyzing it, and then moving on to see if we might find something even better. I'm every bit as guilty as the next person , but I feel that in this analysis and picking apart , we often lose the beauty of the circumstances, the person, the moment.

What fascinates me about Morgan is that he still explores with the curiosity of a child, yet has the wisdom to appreciate it for what it is before moving on to something else. Beauty seems to follow him wherever he goes, but in actuality, he's simply noticing it, taking it in, appreciating it. He continues on his search , not because there is something better, but because there is something different, something beautiful in a way that's not quite like anything he's noticed before. Each new discovery making his world a little more beautiful along the way. Pretty wise for a young soul.

We had scheduled our little interview on a day that started out a less than great day for both of us, but keeping with Morgan's philosophy, we not only met to chat anyway, but also found a neat little park that neither of us had been to before. Perhaps circumstances were not the best, and maybe the park wasn't the grandest or prettiest park in Brooklyn, but it was still beautiful in its own unique way. A way that , had I not put my worries aside and sat down to discuss, listen, notice, and appreciate, I may have missed entirely.

Although somewhat condensed for time and effect, what you are about to read are Morgan's candid thoughts on beauty. He expressed an interest in being interviewed after his very first reading of the blog , and I was more than willing to hear any new ideas he might have in mind. He said that he would prefer to have more of a real time discussion instead of writing out his thoughts and possibly over thinking things a bit , so that's just what we did. Armed with a tape recorder-- complete with a microphone, no less--we hit a cozy park bench and chatted for the better part of an hour. Once I realized that I had the recorder on "hold", and therefore was not recording anything , we were able to remedy the situation and have a discussion that certainly left me with the sense that world was even more beautiful than when we first sat down. Enjoy......

So, what was it about the blog that peaked your interest and made you want to be a part of it?


Do you want to test it again and see if it's okay? Test, Test, Test. Hopefully this will work....I think that the conversation is one that should happen and doesn't happen often enough. I feel like, in leaving the concept of beauty up to external forces--often times advertisers who are trying to sell you something--you lose a lot of the complexity and the variety. A variety of things can be beautiful, and there are different types of beauty. It's not just as simple as I think it's often made out to be.


On that note, I'll ask you what beauty is to you?


I think at its very core , beauty is a way of looking at the world. There are so many different facets to it. There's physical beauty, but there's also natural beauty--and different people see different things as beautiful. It really is in the eye of the beholder in the sense that any number of people can look at the exact same thing, and some will think it's beautiful and some will not. And just because there's a consensus on something doesn't necessarily make it any more or less true for any one individual.



You said that you think this is a conversation that should happen. Do you think that people are afraid to talk about beauty, and if so, why do you think that is?

I don't know....maybe not afraid, but I feel like there are a lot of conversations that people tend not to have because it's a conversation that goes a little bit deeper. Most conversations are , "Hi... How are you?", and it's implied that the answer should just be, "Fine". There are a lot of conversations that people don't tend to have because it makes life easier not to think too much about specific topics, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it. And that's one of the reasons--again, going back--that interested me in doing this blog. It's actually an attempt to restart the conversation and something that dares to go beyond the basic, "How are you?", and actually look for some kind of truth. That, in its own way, is a beautiful thing.


Truth?


Oh yeah.



Still rolling--that's good. Another question I normally ask is, what is your most beautiful attribute? It can be physical...or not. Or both! Whatever you think.


The physical attribute I've gotten told the most often would be my eyes, but if it was up to me, I would say it would not be physical, and I would go with my sense of adventure. I think that is my most beautiful attribute.



As far as physical beauty goes, do you have any hang-ups about your appearance that you've overcome?


Yeah....I mean, I definitely have physical hang-ups. I think everyone does. The biggest one would be that I was always a little on the chubbier side, and in the last year I've lost like 30 lbs., so that's probably....



I never would have guessed that.


I get that a lot, which is strange because for so long I was the funny, chubby kid. You know ,if life was a teen movie, I was the overweight best friend. I was the sweet funny character. That is what I did.



I'm trying to come up with a question that has to do with your being an actor, but I'm drawing a blank.


I've got something! So, truth and beauty, I feel , go hand in hand. There's beauty to truth, even if it's not an attractive truth. As long as it's something that's really true, I feel like it's got some degree of beauty to it. I like acting and theatre because I feel like, at its best, it's searching for moments of truth, and that is a beautiful thing. I definitely know that when I see something that's really beautiful, it strikes me as true, and if I see something that I feel is untruthful, regardless of its physical beauty, I'm completely unattracted to it. That extends itself into people too. The truth is easy. It's buoyant. Where as dishonesty is heavy, and you have to fight to keep it above water. When you let go of deception--of yourself or others--it's just so much easier. And the positivity in that--the lightness--can be really beautiful. You're free to express whatever or whoever you want to be, and I think that freedom can be beautiful as well. I think that everything positive is connected, and if you make the simple decision that you want to live life with beauty and truth and lightness and ease, it starts a domino effect, and that can't help but improve the world--as lofty as that sounds.



If you could change one thing about society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?



I would say that I'd like to see more flexibility. I feel that there's such a rigid idea of what's beautiful, and it changes. What's beautiful to society now is not what was beautiful a couple hundred years ago. And who knows, in another couple hundred years, what it will be. Kinda broaden the horizons a little bit. Like, if you're not blond with giant boobs, you can still be beautiful. I had a job in the fashion industry for a little while, and one day my job was to take pictures of models--not as professional photography--but to send off because they were trying to decide which model to use. It was the first time I had seen a bunch of models up close. So often they're held up as the epitome of beauty. They do have a strange kind of beauty about them , but I personally, didn't think a single one of them was attractive. I think it's strange that such an emphasis is placed on such a limited kind of beauty, and then that becomes the ideal that people are trying to match themselves to. I feel like without the fashion industry, those people might not be held up as beautiful. I think that's not what most people should be going for, and I discourage anyone from trying to be that.



Lastly, to take a note from one of our Michael Chekhov exercises, what are some things--off the top of your head--that you find beautiful?


Babies. Little babies? Adorable! Tiny little fingers, little fingernails--they're so small! It's amazing! And puppy dogs. I have to be dragged away from pet store windows, lest I break in and steal all the puppies and take them home with me. Natural beauty is a big one for me, and that's a little hard coming from California and living in New York now. New York's got a different kind of beauty. I feel it's a little harder to find. Natural beauty is more accessible. In California there's the rocky coast lines and the redwood trees and the fog rolling in off the ocean. That's gonna be beautiful either way. But at the same time, a full moon peeking out from behind a giant skyscraper can be its own kind of beautiful. It just depends on how you want to see it, because most everything can be beautiful if you want it to be.

I really do think it can be a conscious choice. You can just decide you want the world to be a beautiful place, and then you'll look for it. And because you're looking for it, you'll find it. And you'll find it in places that you didn't think you would find it. I can't put a specific moment on when I made that decision, but it was definitely within the last few years. I wasn't unhappy, but definitely not enjoying life as much as I am now, and part of it was just a decision that I was gonna enjoy it and it was gonna be beautiful. And now it is. When I see people who don't see beautiful things, it baffles me now. It seems so basic a thing to see a tree that's starting to bloom because it's Spring, and think that's beautiful. I can't imagine living life if you weren't able to enjoy the simple things that are beautiful....

Paintings. Sculptures. With art it's almost a physical reaction for me. I like playing the "wander-through-the-museum-and-pick-what-you-would-take-home" game. Walk into a room and see what jumps out at you, what's the first thing that smacks you across the face. Like, " Wow. I want THAT! Something about that says something about me, or connects with something in me". I think that's also part of beauty --the connection. And possibly connection to whoever made it. Somebody else thought that that was beautiful enough to make, so maybe it's a reaffirming of yourself and your feelings. It reconnects you to the human race at large. Theatre can do that too. Shakespeare is like that for me. That's why I love Shakespeare. It was written forever ago, and yet still it's like, this person who lived hundreds of years ago knows exactly how I feel. And I think maybe that's an aspect of beauty as well--the reconnecting and recognizing that other people have the same feelings.




The last beautiful thing that Morgan mentioned was actually prompted by me, based on his response when we had done this exercise with our theatre company. I distinctly remembered him mentioning baby ducks in free fall. Given that he's so well traveled and quite adventurous, I had to know if he had somehow witnessed this phenomenon in person. He had not, but he proceeded to share, in great and perfect detail, the tale of the baby ducks' first flight from the Planet Earth series. In the spirit of connection and the sharing of beauty that Morgan spoke of , I feel it fitting to leave you with a link to that very segment. Thank you, Morgan....

JENNIFER

"When you reach the heart of life, you shall find beauty in all things...even in the eyes that are blind to beauty." -Kahlil Gibran

25 Random Things About Me. Love it or hate it, if you've used facebook within the past month, you know all too well what I'm talking about. For those of you who have somehow managed to elude a facebook addiction thus far, it's exactly as it sounds -- an exercise where you're asked to come up with 25 interesting and possibly unknown facts about yourself, then share them with 300 or so of your closest online friends. We frequent facebookers have most likely been "tagged"-- or asked to share our own 25 facts-- at least 10 times in the past few weeks. The New York Times even ran a feature on this very phenomenon, offering an interesting debate about whether our current obsession with this fun little activity should be viewed as positive or negative. I myself have mixed feelings about it. That said, I can't deny that this exercise is solely responsible for the fruition of the wonderful interview you're about to read.

Jennifer and I met a few months ago,when she was invited to join an up-and-coming theatre company in the heart of midtown, of which I was also a fairly new member. The company was fortunate enough to have a huge influx of new talent at the time, so with the set-up of about 50 virtual strangers trying to get to know each other at once, Jen and I really didn't talk much , aside from the standard, "Hey!" or "Have a good night!". I did however,notice Jennifer. Her critiques and comments about presented work were always thought provoking and honest, obviously springing from a deep passion for the art of theatre. And her own excellent stage work immediately caught my attention and garnered my respect as a fellow actor. But it wasn't until we became facebook "friends" a few weeks ago, that we finally began to talk a little more.

One particular evening after logging in for my usual social networking fix, I noticed that Jennifer had posted her own 25 random facts. As I clicked to read them, I had no doubts that I would find her information interesting and entertaining,but I never expected a little post (on facebook of all places!) to be so profound. I knew immediately that I had to get Jen's thoughts on beauty. I hadn't spoken with her about the blog before, so I wasn't sure if she'd be willing to put herself out there--but her response was an emphatic yes,and I am truly thrilled to be able to share her thoughts with you. I'm sure it will inspire you as much as it has me. So thank you facebook and thank you Jen. I feel a full voiced, "You go, girl!" is definitely in order.


What is beauty?

To me beauty is equated with truth, with being present in the moment and really taking someone in....because if you are paying attention, there is a lot to discover in a person's body language. I think that the eyes are the most telling gauge of beauty in a person. There is beauty in the most angry gesture or look because within that is life, if it is an honest moment. And that is why I can see beauty in moments like death, in danger, sadness -- every sense is heightened at times like this. At times of great despair, if you can find the slightest hint of beauty in the people or environment you are surrounded by, you can find hope. I think of Fellini when I think of beauty, and how he was able to capture the beauty of life so effortlessly and gracefully in his films.



What is your most beautiful attribute and why? This can be physical or otherwise. (It depends on how you read the question!)

I think that on a physical level, my eyes and smile are the most beautiful attributes I have to share with the world. My eyes--not only because they are big and blue, but because of what you can read about me by looking into them. My smile--because it comes from a genuine place and is the matching half to my eyes. As for the non-physical beauty, I think my compassion, vulnerability, openness, my deep inner strength, and wisdom are what truly make me beautiful. Ok, that's not one thing, but there you have it :)



Name one body image hang-up that you've overcome or are working on overcoming. Tell me how you did it or what you're doing to change how you feel about it.

One (of several) body image hang-ups that I have is that I have stretch marks from weight gain/loss over the years, and they have always felt like some hideous road map on my skin. They have faded over the years, but they still feel like ugly scars to me. I guess what I am doing to try to change how I feel about it is to think of them as my own skin pattern, unique to my experience. They are a reminder of what I have gone through so that I may never take what I have now for granted.



If you could change one thing about the current standards of beauty in our society, what would it be?

Ugh. There are so many things wrong with the current standards of beauty. I think the whole system needs a re-working. But if I had to choose just one thing, it would be the obsession with perfect breasts. No wonder women have such hang-ups with their breasts, the way they are objectified by the media. As an actor, as well as a woman, I think there is tremendous pressure to have perfect, perky breasts. Please! I think Europeans are more sane and realistic on this issue. We are not Barbie dolls and shouldn't be expected to risk our health to look like one.