True Bravery is taking a stand against this nonsense....

I have to admit that I was disappointed in "Brave" as a whole, after seeing it in the theater last summer. That said, I was not disappointed one bit in the lessons it had to offer young girls and their families. One thing I don't remember thinking even once was that Merida was not "attractive enough" to be a princess.  I find it absurd that I'm even typing those words, but it is apparently that very idea that has sparked Disney to do something absolutely disgusting and deeply saddening in my eyes. The image you see above is the "new and improved" Merida who supposedly looks more like a princess now. I know that the sexualization of fantasy characters is nothing new, and I know that it seems to have gotten a lot worse in the comic/sci-fi/fantasy realm as geekdom has suddenly turned to "chicdom". But this is Disney. This is a movie with a lesson for young girls, only now that lesson will include that to be that brave and "unique", one also has to show some skin, have a perfect figure, and have the face of a supermodel. I find it highly ironic that by making these changes to Merida, they have taken away everything that made her look unique; everything outwardly that made her an individual and made that individuality beautiful. Based on the number of signatures, I'm relieved to see that there are still people out there who have not given into the societal monster of unattainable physical perfection and ultra-sexualization. I can only hope and pray that these same people will be able to put their signatures into practice in real life.

Below is the link to the petition. I hope that you will sign it. I also have a link to a little article from an Orlando newspaper noting that Merida's creator is appalled at these changes and is in fact, among those who signed the petition. Props to her from me. She is fighting to keep true beauty alive.


https://www.change.org/petitions/disney-say-no-to-the-merida-makeover-keep-our-hero-brave



http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/blogs/beth-kassab/os-brave-creator-joins-petition-against-disneys-merida-make-over-20130513,0,1342190.post

Reflection....

*please visit thepoppytree shop on Etsy for the original image and artist info

I found this image last week during a late night perusal of Etsy. I was instantly captivated. Yes, it's a wonderful visual representation of the immense beauty that lies beneath the superficial exterior, but it also got me thinking about what we see when we look in the mirror versus the actual image reflecting back at us. We've all heard over and over again that we always see ourselves much more critically than anyone else does, and anyone who has battled an eating disorder or severe body image issues certainly knows just how extreme our distorted self-images can become, but working in the retail industry rooted in fashion (and thus appearance) for the past year has made me aware of just how distorted the average woman's view of herself has become. I can't tell you how many times a week I hear (in my opinion) completely unfounded complaints from customers and co-workers about how how fat or ugly or old or not good enough (etc.) they are. It's really quite shocking how much more people seem to give voice to their negative self-image in a smaller city, as compared to what was discussed among women I worked and socialized with in New York. To me this is a testament to how very out of control our society's obsession with perfection has become - specifically for women - and how detrimental it is to the essence of who we truly are. I know firsthand, as I have been far from immune to this overflow of negativity. But I also know that I do NOT want to live my life a prisoner to that poisonous thinking for one more second.


It's still difficult to focus when I write on my laptop due to my ongoing post-concussion syndrome, but as I'm finally in OT treatment for it, I hope to continue to post positive messages more and more often as means to combat what is clearly still a vicious epidemic in our culture. I don't know if it will make a difference, but I'm not giving up. There are far too many beautiful, worthwhile people who deserve to feel that way to give up now.

Healing....

                                                


It certainly sounds like something for which we should feel incredible gratitude and pride. When I think of the healing I have done in the last year alone, embarrassment and shame definitely don't make the list of emotions I feel, and I'd venture to guess I'm not alone in that, if I were to ask those of you who have come through physical and emotional battles of your own. Why is it then, that we're so often embarrassed - even ashamed - of our scars? Here I am with my defiant stance against this age of physical "perfection" that we are perpetually force fed, vowing to love and accept myself the way I AM, and yet those closest to me know that my scars are very high on the list of body image hang ups I have never truly accepted. I can be as proud as a warrior fresh from battle, speaking of my G-tube scar and it's constant reminder of how I conquered my Anorexia -but ask me to show that scar to you, and the term "humiliation" would be an understatement for my shift in emotions. Sure, I've come to feel "ok" with it in intimate situations where there is love and trust, but I would be lying if I told you that I didn't feel I was hiding some horrid disfigurement on a daily basis, when I think of that  scar and other imperfections I have acquired from "healing" over the years. A few months ago,someone incredibly special to me attempted to publish these quotes as a comment to one of my posts , but due to an internet glitch that evening, they were lost in cyberspace. I'd like to think I was meant to receive them personally, so that I could not only use them for my own continued healing, but so I could also have the opportunity to pass them along to you. 


I don't know how long it will take, and quite honestly, I don't know exactly how - period - but I am more determined than ever to be as proud of my scars as young Harry is of his in the photo above. It's my sincere hope that you can all feel that way too, and I think reading the beautiful quotations below is an excellent place to start.








"God will not look you over for medals degrees or diplomas, but for scars. "
Elbert Hubbard

"It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars. "
Garrison Keillor

"Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is
a perfect map of the London Underground."
 Albus Dumbledore

...and perhaps the best for last:

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive
characters are seared with scars."
Khalil Gibran

Forward March.....

   

   "I was for a while troubled with a haunting fear that if I handled the flower freely, its bloom would fade – the sweet charm of freshness would leave it. I did not then know that it was no transitory blossom; but rather the radiant resemblance of one, cut in an indestructible gem.”  - from Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)   

Ah, the restlessness of the creative mind. Whatever your art, you know that seeking to which I'm referring. You are passionate about what you're creating, therefore, you can't just put any old thing out there. You want it to be just right ; to express yourself in a way that is yours alone, whether it be a beautiful painting or a heartfelt letter - or even an email! - to a dear family member or friend. It's a wonderful gift - to care so much about what you're creating and sharing - but at the same time we creatives often have a "bazillion!" thoughts and ideas going on at once, and it seems nearly impossible to even make an attempt to express them unless we abandon all other responsibilities, activities - pretty much EVERYTHING else that makes up our daily lives! Free association can be a real pain in the dupa when you simply want to get your point across.

With that in mind, I want to tell you that I too, have so many ideas, so many possibilities for growth and positive changes for this blogging project , so much I want to share - but it seems I've found valid ways to "conveniently" keep myself from doing what gives me so much fulfillment in posting to this blog. I haven't made excuses. I've had a heck of a lot going on, as most working adults trying to build a good life do. But I'm also aware that I've often refused to post until I had an essay that was as close to "perfect" in my eyes as it could get , thus  - you guessed it - completely acting against the mission of this blog. Yes, I love to write.  Yes, I have a very long way to go to become the writer I someday hope to be. But this is a blog about beauty and truth. My absolute favorite thing about it (I've said it many times, so forgive me for putting it out there one more time) is sharing that with whoever happens to be reading ; sharing it with you.  Somewhere in the past few months, that seems to have taken an unfortunate backseat. So... from here on out, that's exactly what I aim to do.

I honestly have no clue what format, if any, I'm going to follow. But I can say for certain that those pesky ideas that I've been squelching until they're "perfectly expressed" (oh, please!) will be brought to the forefront ASAP. Maybe it will be some random thoughts I have about something I saw on TV or an interaction I had with a friend or co-worker. Maybe I'll share some sites filled with visually creatively beauty that I've been lucky enough to learn of, or maybe I'll have some interactive posts. Maybe some polls, interviews,changing the layout - who knows?! But I will be sharing, and I'm looking forward to it.

Stay tuned....I plan on kicking off some "random" posts in the next day or two, and I'd love to share them with you.

An Oldie But Goodie....

No matter how many times you've seen this commercial over the past few years, I sincerely recommend watching it one more time. Or twenty more times. Whatever it takes to help you realize your "Real Beauty", as the Dove brand calls it. I believe it may be even more vital to how we view ourselves now- in 2012- than it was when it first aired. I know it is for me....

TOM

"The thing that is really hard - and really amazing - is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."

- Anna Quindlen

As much as I despise the word "perfection", I'll admit that despite my best efforts, I seem to have -in one way or another - been in constant pursuit of this very state for the majority of my life. Growing up, I was pretty good at almost every endeavor undertaken - sometimes even really good. But I was never the best. To me, this meant failure. As I got a little older, this trend shifted more and more towards appearance related matters, and there's no question - obsession was the name of the game. It seemed the more I primped and preened to make myself "pretty", the more I felt like I would never be pretty enough. I would never look perfect, therefore I would never amount to anything. And it's pretty clear that the almost nine year battle with my eating disorder was the inevitable collision of these two fruitless quests for something that is simply an impossible feat for any human being to achieve. The better you are at it, the sicker you get. And the sicker you get, the closer you are to death. If death was the ultimate prize, then I was closer to perfection than I had ever been.

But since embarking on my journey to recovery several years ago, and discovering (and rediscovering) all the life that had been lost to me, I have gained a much healthier perspective regarding perfection. Being the best me that I can be is far more attractive to me than some unattainable physical standard that random people decided on and immediately proclaimed to be fact. But life is not always easy, and old habits die hard. One negative thought about myself leads to another, leads to another, and before I realize what's happening, there I am, back in that same old pattern in which I will never, ever be good enough. Being able to recognize beauty in so many different aspects of people and life around me does not mean that I'm immune to the pressures of today's society that - let's face it - can overwhelm even an extremely self-confident person. Intellectually, I know better - but that feeling inside takes a lot more than a few positive affirmations to make it dissipate. For me, it takes a knock-your-socks-off wake up call. And in a recent battle with negativity, that's exactly what I got, via an email from a close friend about an encounter he had with a young woman on the subway. He immediately thought of me and my blog, and I have since been trying to determine the best way to share it with all of you. I don't think it's any small coincidence that it also happens to be so relevant to the wonderful interview that you'll soon be reading.

My friend was seated on a bench at the subway platform, waiting for the train, when an attractive young woman sat down next to him. She was probably about 25 or 26, and based on her look and manner, he felt that she must have been a model. Almost immediately after sitting down, she opened her bag and took out some very rich red lipstick, which she carefully applied. Then she did a round with some foundation and concealer - searching her compact mirror for the tiniest blemish and immediately targeting it with her pad. Next she pulled out a second lip implement, this time a gloss to go over her already bright red lips - with no apparent effect. Moments later, the train arrived and they boarded. My friend took a seat, but she instead, stood in front of the closed door and proceeded to use it as a mirror while she fussed with herself - her hat, her hair, her clothing, etc. When she finally did sit down, she once again brought out the lipstick, followed by the compact. She continued to do this for about ten minutes straight, and to his eyes, she didn't look all that different from when she first sat down on the platform bench - except for that fact that her lips were perhaps a little brighter. He said that he couldn't help but see in her procedures, a nervousness - as if she feared she would overlook some imperfections, and no matter how many minutes of every hour she spent touching up, she would never look right or feel good enough. He thought perhaps she was en route to an audition or shoot, and that was why she was making such a fuss. But maybe she couldn't help it, and that thought made him sad. So as he exited the train, he passed in front of her - where her pad was still moving feverishly about her face - and said, "Look, I'm a stranger, so I hope I'm not too forward - but you look great." She smiled and thanked him as he left the car and went on his way, hoping that maybe she would put her compact away and just enjoy the train ride to wherever she was going. Maybe his candid reassurance of her beauty would help her to put things in perspective. Maybe not.

As I finished the email, I began to cry. I may not have the physicality of a model, but in many ways, I saw myself in that young woman. Yes, I've grown by leaps and bounds when it comes to accepting and appreciating myself the way I am, but that old insecurity still found a way to rear its ugly head - and it took the recognition of it in a complete stranger to get me to realize it. I'm sure that my friend's compliment regarding her appearance did reassure her and help her to relax for a bit - but for how long? An hour? Twenty minutes? Five? We can only find true reassurance and acceptance within ourselves, and that's no easy task. But the fact that I've been able to do it - even if only temporarily - is proof that it can be done and proof to me that life is definitely more rewarding when it is. This blog, and particularly these wonderful interviews, continue to help and inspire me, and it's my hope that they'll continue to do the same for you.

This latest chat with my friend, Tom, was so honest and in depth that we talked far beyond the recording capacity of the 60 minute cassette, and the tape - unbeknownst to us - came completely off the frame and was unable to be played back. Luckily, after much trial and error, another friend was able to repair the tape, so that I can share with you the part of the interview that was recorded. It's far from easy to be truly candid in discussions like these, but Tom went above and beyond the call of duty. Perhaps the plethora of super hero knowledge he's acquired from editing comics has made "going above and beyond..." par for the course. At any rate, I was and am deeply moved and inspired by his thoughts, and I hope you will be too.

I seem to recall Tom -who also happens to be writer and comedian- jokingly remark that "pretty" people don't work in comics. Well, based on this interview, there's at least one person who's definitely adding some real beauty to that medium. And I'd venture to guess that I'm not alone in that opinion.


So, other than the fact that I strongly suggested you do an interview based on our recent conversations, what was it that drew you to this project?


I'm not entirely certain what it is that drew me to this project, because my self image is something I don't make too big a deal of in conversations with people. It's something that you really wouldn't know is such a big deal to me unless I took the time to explain how it is such a big deal to me. The fact is, I'm frequently late to work with how much I kinda fuss over my appearance in the morning - not just in an egotistical way. I'm very nervous to look so bland and put so much effort into it. It's much more than you would think. And just in general, the concept of beauty in the abstract is very intriguing to me, cause it's something I keep very quiet about to myself. But it is something I think about and obsess on a lot. It's kind of interesting to see a situation where I could finally talk about it in a freer manner than I normally do.


I realize this is difficult to do on the spur of the moment, but how would you define beauty? What is beauty, to you?


It's interesting...when you get older - that's a weird thing to say when you're in your 20's - but suddenly a simple question is no longer easy to answer. I remember the first day of this art history class, sophomore year of high school - the teacher asked us all to scream for him and none of us would...we had no idea what this nutcase was asking us. But he also asked us, "How many of you like to draw?" and half the class put their hands up. He asked those of us who didn't, "What do you mean? When you were a kid, if you wanted to draw your mom and dad, you drew a circle, some sticks for arms, and that was your mom and dad!" . Now you want to come up with a really complex answer, cause you're afraid if you say, "Ooh..a sunset!" , it's a cliche'. I'd say beauty is when something is done the right way - whatever it is. Like, you see the "master" of something - whether or not they're famous - do something that they do so well, and there's something beautiful to it. If you watch a really fantastic artist draw something, it's less the act of them drawing....or you know, a really fantastic musician playing - if you look at their eyes, it's the intensity and excitement that they get doing what they do so well, because of a devotion to it. And I guess somewhere in there you could find my definition of what beauty means to me. The easy answer is "Oh, beauty is truth", but that was already written by someone a very long time ago. But reality is a very beautiful thing to me, and I guess my definition of beauty is seeing something the way it's meant to be.


Now this is a difficult question, or at least I think it will be, based on what you've shared with me. What do you consider to be your most beautiful attribute? And it doesn't have to be physical. It can be physical, not physical, or both. Whatever you feel.


You've asked that question at a very interesting time, cause the last couple weeks I've been at the all time low of my self esteem - so that's a tough call. My most beautiful attribute.....Well, physically, I really like my hair. I think it's good hair. Right now it's kinda short, it's not where I want it to be...but I come from people with very, very good hair. Hmm. I would say, probably for me, my most beautiful attribute - without getting too full of myself....


You can get full of yourself.


Good, cause I'm gonna. Okay - it's weird to me how much I care about other people, people I barely know. As I've mentioned before in conversation with you, I guess I'm a really good listener because a lot of people feel comfortable telling me things about themselves and about problems or situations they may have. And I do find myself inexplicably drawn to, if not help out, then at least listen. So few people listen to people. So few people will take the time to sit down if you have a problem. I frequently feel like I can't really talk to anyone about my problems, so I like the fact that I'm able to listen and be there for people. And I think that if more people had someone who heard them, their lives would be a lot easier. I am proud of myself, that I'm willing to recognize and do my best - without being too obnoxious - to be there for them.



Is there something in particular that you've struggled with regarding your appearance....that you've either overcome or are working on overcoming? If so, how did you do it, or what are you currently doing to change how you feel about it?


I think the answer to that is twofold. One thing that I have not overcome and am very aggravated with myself for, is that I'm not in particularly good shape. I could stand to be in a lot better shape. A lot of my friends are excited about beach season, but I am not. I do not have a particularly in shape upper body, and I intend to work on that. It doesn't help that I've got a certain amount of body hair too, but that's something that I can easily take care of with 60 bucks and a Russian woman with wax. Painful, painful wax....

For a long time I have struggled with and am aggressively working on my posture. I slouch a lot, slump a lot. I say this as I sit incredibly inappropriately on this bench. But, you know- it's nighttime, it's different. I've noticed that it does a lot for my mood and it does a lot for how people perceive me when I stand up straight. In general, I do feel better about myself when I sit upright and balanced. Something I've told no one....I am looking into ballet classes at the recommendation of my boss, who was an actor back in the olden days. Yeah, that's right. I do not carry myself as well as I should, and I'm working on it. But I tend to kind of hide in myself, and I'm trying not to.



Do you think that it has more to do with insecurities about who you are as a person that make you carry yourself that way, which maybe in turn, makes you feel less confident about yourself physically?


Absolutely. I was an incredibly shy child. I was very, very quiet. In a lot of ways I've gotten over that, but in other ways, I am still very much a quiet person. People who know me personally, would be shocked to see me at work, where I'm very serious and very quiet. Whereas when I'm out of work, I'm very loud and - not loud - but I'm very communicative. There's a lot to that sort of, do my best to not be noticed, and I'm working on that. I'd say my fashion sense had a lot to do with that for a while. For the longest time, I had as nondescript a fashion sense as you could imagine. I was like a cartoon character. T-shirt, jeans - that's it. And in the last couple years, I really kinda pushed it to....to dress a little bit more like an adult. I still tend to dress in much darker, more autumn like colors, cause it can still be kind of camouflage, but I'm gettin' there. I'm gettin' there. I am constantly in this battle of trying to get noticed, while trying not to get noticed. I'm not sure what it is. I think I'm naturally predisposed to a more introverted kind of lifestyle, but at the same time, I feel I have a lot to offer in terms of talent, drive, and care....and I don't feel like it's the right thing to stay shy. It's like " Oh, I'm over here!/ Don't worry about it." And I'd say a lot of that does have to do with the way I carry myself, in hopes that I could just kinda physically disappear.


So, if you could change one thing about our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?


What would I like to change......it does seem increasingly equated with money. I cannot figure out for the life of me, why people think that certain wealthy celebrities are beautiful. And I wish we would stop bluffing around the term. You know that woman - what's her name - Susan Boyle? The British woman who's on that show....and everyone's so shocked that she's such a good singer - like people who aren't "pretty" can't be good singers. People can't figure out, "Why is it so exciting? Why is it so exciting?". It's like well, we're all so excited because someone who's not considered pretty was successful! I just wish we would stop bullshitting it so much and stop acting like we can't figure it out. Like, " Oh, good looking people are successful - why?!". We all know why, cause we all want to be them, and we all know why we're so excited about stories like this, because it's so "shocking" that an unattractive person would be talented at something. If that's the way it's gonna be, that's too bad. A lot of talented singers are gonna have better careers in the recording studio than they are performing, and that's too bad. But if that's the way it's gonna be- fine. I just wish we'd stop acting like it was such a shock.

I do feel in general, beauty is a term loosely thrown around. You wanna say someone's good looking- fine, but so many extreme words are just thrown around in the media and attached to everything. The word "beautiful" is ascribed to every attractive or good looking actress. I mean, there are a lot of good looking actresses who I wouldn't necessarily call beautiful. I do feel there's a standard. What I'd change about that standard - I don't know. It's such an arbitrary thing, and it's such an opinion based thing, that I don't like that it's thrown around as fact, I guess. Someone may be good looking, but that doesn't make them beautiful. And at the same time, there are a lot of beautiful people who may not be stereotypically good looking. It's just like, enough papers and enough opinions are out there that have all effectively argued the fact that our culture places such a priority on physical beauty. I wish we would stop acting like we don't know what the solution is to this kind of problem. Like, "Boy- this kind of culture of glorifying people just for their physical attributes, personal wealth, and expensive clothing has somehow led to all these negative effects - but what could we possibly do to stem it? ". You know - stop. That's it. Not do what we do every day. I used to work on the CBS Early Show as a production assistant, and we'd have models on all the time. And it was weird looking at them - same with a few anchors - when they first get there in the morning. You realize that certain people are just genetically designed in a way that the camera is good to them. I mean, I can see that they're pretty, but you eliminate that camera, and they might not be held up as this epitome of beauty.

It's kind of baffling to me that after all the discussion we've had, in this age of so much information, when so many voices can be heard and so many people have a chance - we still can't get past this. We still can't man up and say, this is incredibly wrong...the way we hold - girls really more than guys. Guys too, but much more girls - to this unfair standard that is destroying their lives and destroying how they are. The answer's there. We just have to stop pretending that we don't know how to face the problem because we realize how much money there is to be made in selling stuff with pretty people. That's the one piece of good that I hope comes out of this whole Susan Boyle thing. Maybe we'll start believing, boy- you don't have to be "pretty" to sell things! But it is ridiculous to me. Everyone's just so afraid of losing money and that they can't win the fight, that no one will step up and say we should stop doing this. There are a lot of "this's" that we know how to stop doing, but don't. And in my opinion, one big one is our society's obsession with pretty people.

CHILDREN WILL LISTEN

"Careful the things you say,children will listen."

-Stephen Sondheim

Given that the holiday season is upon us, most of those who have signed on to be featured in upcoming posts have a bit too much on their plates to devote the proper time to answering such difficult questions right now. Instead of letting the blog fall to the wayside until the new year,I decided this would be a good opportunity for me to try my hand at writing another post of my own. Choosing my topic,however, proved to be a more difficult decision. After several subway and coffee shop brainstorming sessions, I had many interesting ideas,but nothing that felt quite right. That is, nothing that felt quite right until synchronicity stepped in. I was entering my usual subway route last week, scurrying through an endless sea of commuters and scanning my chosen car for an empty seat. I was a bit flustered, running from one obligation to the next, and once I was seated,completely ready to lose myself in my music and thoughts of the moment. It should have taken a lot to get my attention, but it didn't. All it took was a little girl of about 7 or 8, standing above me. She not only captured my attention,but inspired this post in the process.

I'm sure it was her shining,torso length, golden hair that initially caught my eye,but it was that unmistakable look--the look of the school Christmas pageant circa first or second grade--that held my gaze. The long,puffy hem of her dress peeking out from under her coat, the white tights, the little black shoes, and most importantly, the hair. On special occasions like this, the dress is nothing without the hairdo. I could see that this particular young lady had naturally fine, straight hair, which her mother had obviously gone to great lengths to form into perfect ringlets, forming a cascade of curls that flowed down her pint-sized back. To me, she was the poster child of the school Christmas program. The epitome of sugar and spice and everything nice. I'm sure I was smiling as I was reminded of days past, when I myself wasn't so far from this very image. I was just about to resume my thoughtful music listening when I became distracted yet again. This time it was the shrill voices of two college aged young women, engaging in an apparently, very exciting conversation. My first instinct was to reach for the volume dial,but I stopped short when I realized they were discussing their appearances. Both because of this blog and because I've struggled with appearance issues myself, I started to half listen. This half listening turned to whole listening when I noticed the little girl's eyes lock in on this very same conversation. It dabbled a little bit in clothing, a little in accessories, and then reached a noticeable focal point with the topic of hair. As the color and texture comparison between the two friends began, I noticed the young girl lean into the subway pole to get a better view. A few times, she picked up a handful of ringlets and studied their color as if to compare notes, then returned all attention to the conversation, eager to hear what would be discussed next. When the shift was made to the matter of curly vs. straight, it was clear that the stakes had been raised.

In all honesty, I was so fascinated by what I was seeing that I don't remember the exact details of what was said from this point on. One point that was made very clear, however, was the consensus that straight hair was preferable. At the first mention of this statement, I watched the little girl's fingers slowly make their way to her hair. As the friends continued to chat, her eyes widened and began to bounce back and forth,as if she was watching the final match of the US Open rather than a discussion on the subway. Slowly, her fingers began to move from the top of her head to the end of each ringlet, discreetly combing through the curls. With each response, they became deeper and deeper entwined in her hair, until it became obvious that she was indeed trying to straighten it. I was astounded. My eyes made their way to the mother, who had finally noticed what was going on, but gave no reaction whatsoever. When the straightening motion reached an almost unbearable level of intensity, the little girl abruptly turned to her mother and pleaded, " Mommy, I want to straighten my hair!" The mother's only response was a rather curt, "We will,but I want Daddy to see it first." I was flabbergasted. This seemingly happy, bubbly little girl, who had paid absolutely no attention to the state of her hair upon entering the train, was now miserable and embarrassed by her curly hair, simply because she overheard a ten minute conversation between two random strangers. As I rose from my seat to exit the train, I felt this overwhelming urge to lean down and tell her that her hair looked beautiful. But feeling that I would be overstepping my boundaries and possibly complicating matters even further, I chose to mind my own business and silently left the car.

I know that this sort of thing happens all the time. Part of being a child is wanting to emulate what we see as "good" in those around us, especially grown-ups. I remember quite vividly, being about 7 or 8 years old, and forcing myself to swallow a mouthful of an Almond Joy candy bar, simply because my dad was eating one too. But this particular circumstance seemed different to me. I can't help but wonder if that little girl will be in constant need of approval, altering her appearance to fit each new trend or popular opinion, and feeling ugly, ashamed, even worthless, if she doesn't get it. Or will she simply be someone who grows to learn who she is, becoming confident and comfortable in her appearance, regardless of whether her hair is long or short, blond or brown, curly or straight. Am I overreacting? Am I merely too sensitive to issues like this? Perhaps. I'm sure that very thought is running through a few minds right now. But I definitely feel this is something worth noting. Those two young women were only doing what young women do, but this is a blatant example of why it's important to consider the possible weight of your words, especially when children are near. As my parents were so fond of saying, "Mouseketeers have big ears".

The deeper I dove into my own battle with anorexia, the more apparent it became to me and those who love me, that at the core this really had nothing to do with weight or vanity. Something much, much deeper was manifesting itself in my outward appearance. But it was my initial desire to change my appearance to look like the "other girls" that led me to diet...which led to my anorexia...which almost killed me. It's not a coincidence that I've chosen to write on my birthday. This January, it will be 10 years since the doctors informed my parents that I would probably die within two weeks. That's 9 birthdays and counting. For those of you who don't believe in miracles, well, call it what you want, but if you've met me you've seen one in the flesh. This year more than ever, I've become increasingly aware of the beauty of family, of true friends, of life, and of love. I never dreamed that it would be even remotely possible for me to know life in this way. And yet for my one tale of triumph, how many are out there who will never know that beauty, not even for a moment? I shudder to think of what so many are suffering this very moment. I'm thankful for having gone through what I did, so that I am able to do exactly what I'm doing...hopefully making a difference. But that's not to say there isn't a part of me that wishes I could go back and have a little talk with the Sara you see above. If I was feeling the pressures of certain standards of beauty when I was growing up, I can't even imagine what it must be like for today's children. If we,as adults, feel bombarded with sensationalized images of perfection, think of how daunting it must be for a young child who hasn't even begun to think about who they are as a person.

Unfortunately, I don't have an eye opening, definitive statement on how to solve this problem. I'm certainly no expert in child psychology. But I have been doing some networking, getting in touch with like minded and like hearted individuals who are concerned about the same issue, and hopefully some new, innovative, and ultimately more effective courses of action can be set in motion. Until then, I don't know. We're only human. We're always going to say the wrong thing, at the wrong time, in the presence of the wrong person...possibly a child. We certainly can't be held accountable for how each and every person will interpret what we say and do, or how it might affect them. But I don't think it's too much to ask that we try to acknowledge that there may be someone watching, listening, learning. Perhaps that simple acknowledgment will spark us to be more accepting and less judgmental towards our own perceived flaws. And maybe through that example of learning to be okay with the reflection we see in the mirror, maybe the next little girl will want to keep her curls a little while longer....just to show her daddy how much she likes them.

KATIE

"Beauty...when you look into a woman's eyes and see what is in her soul."
-Nate Dircks

The moment I decided to give this blog a try,there was no question about who I would feature in my first post. It was actually Katie who inspired the idea for this site in the first place. I was looking through some photos I had taken over the summer,when I came across one of Katie waiting for some friends outside a restaurant. She was deep in thought and had no idea that I was snapping away. As I looked at this photo, I studied her expression, her eyes, wondered what she was thinking,and found myself moved by her beauty. Katie happens to be one of my dearest friends,and it's because of this that I'm aware of her daily struggles with body image and overall appearance. Looking at her photo,I couldn't help but wish that she could see what I was seeing.Why is this? Why are truly beautiful people believing they are ugly and worthless? What if I could open up a discussion about this very topic? Would it change anything? I thought it was worth a try,and I knew Katie would be game. There are very few people more honest and willing to speak their mind....but this proved to be a bigger challenge than either of us expected.

Below are four very loaded questions regarding beauty,each followed by Katie's response. There are no right or wrong answers. I simply asked that she be honest. It's not an easy task to expose one's insecurities and vulnerabilities,but she did it. And for the record, I'm proud of her.


What is beauty?


Beauty is...is...is....I can't even answer this question. I feel like a jerk because when I hear the word 'beautiful', an image of some thin, amazingly appealing, no flab, perfect person comes to my mind. Let's say, for instance, Keira Knightley or Angelina Jolie or Scarlett Johansson....or someone who is exotic, or has sharp features and 'perfect' everything. Now I feel like a fraud or shallow because I know that is not the real meaning of beauty,especially when I think of some of the friends in my life or when looking at my niece. My friends are very real women,full of confidence,zest,and life. They walk tall in their ownership of everything they are. I think to myself, "Why is it that they seem so happy and confident?" . They are comfortable and embrace who they are, flaws (if you can even call them that) and all!
Beauty is something that seems so visual and so "looks" driven,but if you take the time to think about it, it's more about your own acceptance of who you are that creates an energy inside you that shows on the outside. I guess maybe beauty does have more to do with who you are than what you look like. I think it's actually more like lust when it's only a physical thing. An object of desire that holds your physical attention...but shouldn't beauty have more to do with the soul than the eye?




What is your most beautiful attribute and why? (this can be physically speaking or otherwise...it depends on how you read it!)



Physically speaking, I like my eyes. I feel the eyes reflect a person's inner beauty. I have an ocean of kindness inside me, a desire to help others at any cost. I would sacrifice and do almost anything for someone who needed it. This is very true for my family and friends,but I also have the desire to help those I don't even know. If I could do anything I wanted in the world, it would be to go around and help people--cook for them,read to them, keep them company, and give them hugs, and most importantly, love. I would show them that they do have things to be thankful for,and would be a blessing to them and enrich their lives.



Name one body image hang-up that you've overcome or are working on overcoming. Tell us how you did it or what you're doing to change how you feel about it.


To be totally honest, right now, I HATE my body. I think my hips are too big and that my booty is too. Yeah,that can be an okay thing, but not when you grew up in a very small town in middle America,where every girl was a thin, no curves kind of person. I don't feel that I have any flare to add to these curves,and I can never find jeans that fit. It makes me feel very upset a lot of the time. It's often a battle leaving my house because I just don't feel okay in my body. I know that people assume that it wouldn't be a problem if I didn't eat the way I do, but I have gone to great lengths, some extreme and even unhealthy, to change my body, and still had no drastic change in my appearance.

I have recently read some books on how to have a better body image and how to love my body regardless of its flaws. It's a challenge at best, and I have some days that are better than others. The book that has helped me the most so far is "The Four Day Win" by Martha Beck. She talks about joining a team with your body. If you constantly tell yourself that you look fat and you'll never look any better, it creates more and more feelings of sadness and hate. This can lead us to negative behaviors with food because we feel bad and do not respect our bodies enough to feed them the right things on a consistent basis. If we practice,and I repeat PRACTICE, saying positive things about our bodies, it creates a new level of respect. For example, " I love my legs because I can run 3 miles in thirty minutes,and without them I would not be able to do this. I love and appreciate my body because it holds my inner self...me."

I have to fake truly believing this right now, but it has been helping. It also helps to talk to others. It's surprising that people I thought had no issues, also have something they don't like. Everyone has something they wish they could change. Being kind to yourself is key. I am working on being patient and understanding with how my body works instead of giving up when I don't see any results. Also,don't deny yourself enjoyment because of a negative body image. Sometimes I won't want to go to a party because I feel I look bad, but if I force myself to go anyway, I end up having a great time with my friends and ultimately feel better.




If you could change one thing about the current standards of beauty in our society,what would it be?



I will answer with a quote from " The Witch of Portobello" by Paulo Coelho....

" We have survived for all these millenia because we have been able to eat. And now that seems to have become a curse. Why/what is it that makes us, at forty, want to have the same body we had when we were young? Is it possible to stop
time? Of course not! And why should we be thin? We don't need to be thin. We buy books, go to gyms, expend a lot of brainpower on trying to hold back time, when we should be celebrating the miracle of being here in this world. Instead of thinking how to live better,we're obsessed with weight. Forget about all that!
.....Eat in moderation, but take pleasure in eating. It isn't what enters a persons mouth that is evil,but what leaves it. Whose idea was it that we had to be thin? I'll tell you-vampires of the soul, those who are so afraid of the future that they think it's possible to stop the wheel of time. Use the energy you put into dieting to nourish yourself with spiritual bread.......Instead of artificially burning those calories, try to transform that energy into what's required to fight for your
dreams."

I think that our society puts entirely too much focus on the outside appearance of things. Look this way, buy this car, be this person, and life will be better. I think if we really look at our inner selves, we will find the right things to fill us up and realize that we need not focus so much on what everyone looks like.

BEAUTIFUL?

New York is an amazing city. The lights,the culture,the buildings,the city that never sleeps. Over 8 million people speaking nearly 170 languages, all living together on one little island and its surrounding boroughs. And of course,many of the most beautiful people in the world. "The most beautiful people in the world"...that's quite a bold statement. But if you've ever visited New York,odds are you've heard that phrase uttered more than once. If the basis for this conclusion is the current standard of beauty set by our society, I don't have much of an argument. A thirty minute commute on the subway is all you need to back up this claim. Legs that go on for miles on your left side, and the six-pack abs and perfect biceps of the gentleman to your right. The most flawless complexions this side of air brushing,perfect smiles,the shiniest hair you've ever seen,sparkling eyes, all outfitted with the finest clothing and accessories that money can buy. Yes,we've certainly got that covered here in the Big Apple. But where does that leave the rest of us? Unfortunately,whether talking to your close friends or perusing the latest eating disorder and body image statistics,the general consensus is that it leaves us feeling disgusting,repulsive,and worthless. Some examples....

- 67% of women withdraw from life-engaging activities like giving
an opinion, going to school, or going to the doctor because they
feel bad about their looks.

- According to ANAD, an estimated 1 million American men suffer
from an eating disorder.

- 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of becoming fat.

- Officials in Fiji reported a sudden increase in anorexia & bulimia
with the arrival of televisions in their communities.

I would be lying if I refused to acknowledge the validity of this idealized perception of beauty.These people are striking. Physically ideal. They are pleasing to the senses in many ways...but when I look at the remainder of the definition of "beauty", letting it settle in my mind for a bit,I realize that,for me, this is not necessarily the beauty that exalts my mind and spirit. I am exalted by the love in the eyes of a mother as she cares for her child,despite having less than two hours of sleep. My spirit soars when I receive a hug from someone who means it. I see immense beauty in someone whose laugh is genuine.... in a man with an honest opinion....in the young woman who has endured more than any human being should ever have to suffer,but still--imperfections,battle scars,bad hair day and all--wakes up each day and lives her life to the fullest,enjoying each moment as it comes,knowing that she is special and worth something. There is so much beauty surrounding us each and every day,but many of us are so blinded by that elusive image of perfection that we fail to notice it,time and time again.

Everyone is different,and everyone is entitled to their opinion. My intention is not to disregard anyone's personal idea of beauty. I simply wish to open up discussions about beauty that will (hopefully!) help open some eyes to just how skewed our current ideals have become. This blog is a work in progress. Right now, I'm choosing to focus on beauty ideals in general,as opposed to those specific to eating disorders,but that could change based on feedback I receive or how the creative spirit decides to move me next. My belief is that the battle against eating disorders needs a project all its own. One that will be worthy of the severity of such illnesses and that will be able to effectively address all the issues surrounding such a devastating epidemic. I assure you that I'm working on it,but in the meantime, why not start talking to people about why it is that so many of us judge ourselves based on the unattainable standards of perfection?

I'm hoping to get some candid opinions from a few different people each month,gathering as diverse a group as possible. Many men are in the same self-loathing boat as we women too, so I'm hoping to include some male voices as well. As I said before,this may change, but I feel confident in using this as a starting point. Feedback,comments,questions-whether public or private-are welcome and encouraged. I simply ask that comments are relevant to each individual's answers to the questions,as opposed to comments or critiques pertaining to the people themselves. I will do my best to make this a positive journey for all of us and refrain from posting anything that might be a trigger for someone in the depths of an eating disorder,but I will not censor simply because ideas or beliefs differ from my own. I'm truly excited to begin to share something so important to me with all of you. If even one person is able to come closer to realizing their true beauty by something that is brought to light through this blog, it will be more than worth it.


"Everything has beauty,but not everyone sees it." -Confucius

May you see it!