LOST AND FOUND

  
  "Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."   - After the Storm by Mumford & Sons


I mentioned in my initial “comeback” post,that it was others’ feedback that ultimately convinced me to give this blog another go, but I failed to mention that that same feedback also led to my own revisiting of previous posts,taking the time to reread what had been shared. My all too frequent tendency to criticize my work after the fact – as many of you fellow creative souls out there know all too well – admittedly led to an almost involuntary mental note of everything I disliked about my own writing,everything I “should have” written instead. But the interesting thing was that that persona of critic in overdrive started to lose its power as I began to really hear, really take in, what so many of my friends and acquaintances had been honest and brave enough to say out loud. To be perfectly frank, it was a very moving experience for me. I initially began this project in the hopes of trying to help a few people who had perhaps endured the same battling of oneself as I did.  Yet several years later,here I was, at the true rock-bottom of my life thus far, and they were helping me . Though laden with emotionalism and inner turmoil,there was no denying that it felt extraordinary.

As I read, I became aware of some similar themes among those interviewed. One in particular hit me in a way that rivaled a reaction to any great literary or cinematic reveal that seems to stir every cell in my body when I finally “get” it.  Each person had, in their own way, expressed the belief that beauty is truth. Beauty is truth. I repeated this to myself over and over again,not understanding why that simple statement would elicit such deep thought. It had taken hold of my mind, stirred something deep down inside, and was not about to let go simply because I acknowledged its presence. I had to face it head on. And then, just like that,there it was -the big reveal. The orchestral accompaniment of my imagination swelled, the goose bumps covered my arms, the tears began to sting my eyes, and I realized what it meant to me, what that simple phrase was so blatantly teaching me.

Over the past year and a half I have lost so much - seemingly everything that I had come to know as my life. One thing after another; It seemed endless. If you have been through any type of health difficulty– whether chronic or acute – you surely understand the devastation that can stem from the simple fact that your body can no longer function properly. Everyone’s struggle is personal and unique, and I certainly don’t want to compare wounds or measure anyone’s pain against my own. But change can be very difficult, and when that change is so painful and out of one’s control, I can’t help but imagine that feelings similar to my own would arise. The more I lost, the more the effect on my emotional life and self-worth became indescribably unbearable. Being unable to spend quality time with family or simply have fun – real fun - with friends, losing the ability to work and support myself, being unable to live in the space I called my own, having to fully rely on others because I literally couldn’t do much on my own– how could I help but feel I was losing myself?  It must sound fairly simple, as in, “of course  that would happen, Sara!”, but having deemed myself a strong,independent young woman,courageously following the lifestyle of a weeble*- metaphorically speaking - this realization was earth shattering.  (* in case you’re wondering, “weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down”) The self proclaimed tough cookie had crumbled, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had not only lost seemingly everything - most of all, I lost that unique person, the real me that I had finally allowed myself to become after so many years of struggling .  So that’s health, job, apartment, presumed friends, the amazing city I had called home for over 9 years - gone. And that’s just scratching the surface. To share any more specific details about it in this format would, I feel, be an injustice to its significance and unfair to myself, given how very personal and sensitive an issue it is to find yourself questioning your identity and worth as a person. But the lesson is not in the details, it’s in that simple phrase that I couldn’t shake.

I assumed that my self-worth had sunk to uncharted depths due to the continuous cycle of trying and failing – to be healthy, content, just plain okay. I felt forced to resign myself to survival mode. The road ahead seemed never ending,every minute that passed, another piece of me going with it. I was nothing more than a defective body, a shell of what used to be. Nothing, where a vibrant, passionate, heart, mind,and whole person used to reside. At least that’s what I believed. But as a seeker of truth, how was I so blindly accepting this as fact? Where was I getting all the evidence to prove my theory?  It wasn’t until that moment of hitting the bottom - when I knew I had lost what I thought was just about everything I had to lose - that I finally came to see the truth. The truth that I didn’t realize I had stopped seeking long ago. I thought I had lost myself because I didn’t have the same outward identity I once did;on the exterior I wasn’t the same. But the only real failures with regard to being myself came from seeking what wasn’t true and trying to become what I am not. I had stopped trying to get myself back, instead trying desperately to measure up to some imaginary idea of perfection that seemed to belong to everyone but me. The more I lost,the more “beautiful” every other young female looked to me. I ached for every absurd societal standard of what makes a person “ pretty”,intelligent, interesting, unique - even lovable, and I never once questioned my allowance of that longing to hurt me so. The more I hurt, the more I lost, and the more I lost, the more value I placed on those things I wasn’t.  Sadly, I never once bothered to take a look at who I was. Oh, I heard those around me who claimed to see me despite the hell surrounding me, but even turning to trusted friends faded until seeking only those who hadn’t learned the beauty and worth of what is real became the norm. I looked to those who could confirm that I was worthless. I can’t pinpoint what led me back to the truth in exactness, but I have felt it. The grieving, the pain, the loss – it’s still there too. But for the first time in a very long time, so am I. Me. Sara.

I can’t tell you how often I feel as if I’ve been dropped headfirst into a whirlpool , struggling to keep my head above the water all by myself. But it’s me flailing about and barely treading water. And I am being completely, 100% honest when I say that realization feels incredible. I’ve also come to realize another truth by seeking just that ; I am not nearly as alone as I thought. Once I caught a glimpse of the real me, those fellow truth seekers who really valued that person, were right by my side, filled with joy at the sight of someone they hadn’t seen in quite some time. As I set off on my last trip to the city to pack up my “life” and say goodbye, I was panicked, terrified of losing what I had only just begun to rediscover. But something really fascinating occurred in its place. Because I knew who I was – in spite of my ever ready doubts and insecurities – all that I had longed for, all those absurd ideals and standards I had used as fuel for my self-loathing fire, no longer seemed desirable to me. Was Brooklyn still full of extremely attractive young people in ultra hip clothing? You bet. Were there perfectly healthy,successful people all over the city having extravagant nights out with their “friends” ? Absolutely. Did it change the value of knowing who I am? Astonishingly – no. At least not when I remembered what was true. I honestly couldn’t describe one other person that passed me on the street or in the local coffee shops, aside from those who, like me, sought what is real,and found it to be beautiful. And for that week, it was.

Since then it has been immensely difficult to keep that feeling ,as I’m still in the depths of dealing with all that loss, and the struggle to find what is essentially a new life in many aspects. But through it all - every tear, every sleepless night, every time it feels like I’ll never truly get there- I’m grateful. I‘m grateful because in losing everything, I found myself.  It may take excruciating effort to notice at first, and it may take quite some time for the dust to settle enough to see it even half clearly, but I can say without giving it a second thought, that I can look at what has happened to me and find so much that is extraordinarily beautiful - because it’s rooted in truth.

Many friends will likely recognize the photo below from my former “existence” on Facebook, and though I’ve received kindhearted compliments on its” beauty” since posting it, I don’t know that I’ve shared the story behind it with many people. That photo was taken on the single most disgustingly hot and humid night I have ever experienced - hands down. I had worked all day, staggered through the barely breathable air of my easily 110 degree Fahrenheit subway route, gone all the way home to go to the trouble of putting on a dress, and was now just trying to look “pretty” while my legs were nearly glued together with sweat. Being on the Brooklyn Bridge that night felt admittedly magical on a certain level , but truth be told, I was feeling pretty miserable and in desperate need of some AC.  Bet you couldn’t tell, could you? Never would’ve guessed by appearance alone, huh?  Want to know why? Because in that moment, that exact moment, I was very much me. The way I was dressed, the way I studied the stunning architectural structure with earnest awe, the wistful places that simply looking up led my imagination to wander through – that was all truth. There absolutely is beauty in truth, no matter how bad things may seem. With that in mind and heart, I’m looking forward to all that beauty that is yet to be found. And I definitely plan to wear a flower in my hair very soon.

FULL STEAM AHEAD

"Nothing encourages creativity like the chance to fall flat on one's face."

 - James D. Finley

                                                                                                                                            

Back already. I told you I was excited about this! That “itch” to write has quite possibly become even greater than it ever has before. It’s been said that this is the stuff writers dream of.  Living for these times - weeks, days, hours, even mere moments - when the urge to create seems to seep out of every pore. But I think for the first time in my life, I’m truly understanding exactly what that means to me personally, and I intend to take full advantage. The difficulty for me, or rather the dilemma, lies in knowing which ideas, essays, projects, etc, to make a priority - which truly matter the most right now. So many thoughts, emotions, random musings, words unwritten deep down in my heart are fluttering with anticipation, yearning to bubble up through my fingertips, reach that keyboard and appear on the screen, or sometimes even radiate through my clenched grip until the pen and paper seem to magically transform those musings into actual words on the page.They all seem to be burning with a desire not only to be written, but to be heard. I know what I want to express. These are, after all, my thoughts. I have access to them any time I please. But I’m not the only part of the equation. If that was the case I would simply keep a journal and that would be that.  But for me, it’s all about sharing – the sharing of something meaningful with another person, who may need to hear it even more than I do. That’s where the true value lies. So what do I choose to share in a such a simple and very public forum like this blog, granting access to just about anyone, and what should be reserved for a more personal medium that allows me the time and careful thought to share in way that I hope will ultimately become much more meaningful and fulfilling for both author and reader?  Right now, I’m simply doing my best to “figure that out”, and mindful of that, am forging ahead as if my keyboard’s on fire. Well, maybe not quite on fire, as I’m a (still) a painfully slow typist, but I am writing - and writing, and writing some more - as quickly as my passion, creativity, and pure excitement will allow. Uncertainty is risky, but as noted in the carefully selected quote above, that risk is egging me on full throttle. I’m very pleased to say that more of that sharing I value so, is right around the corner. And I hope you'll stay tuned…. 

I'M STILL HERE

  
                                 "Good times and bum times, I've seen them all....
                                  And, my dear, I'm still here." - Stephen Sondheim

 So….it has been quite some time since I’ve updated this blog. Quite some time meaning well over a year. In a blogosphere where everyone and their brother seems to abandon their “fantastic” new blogging concept in what often seems like the same hour in which they began, I automatically assumed that my small band of faithful post followers would have long since stopped visiting mine. I was also assuming of course, that they were assuming that I was following suit when it comes to the limited staying power of non-commercial blogs written by your average so and so with something to say. But this is where I failed to remember a valuable lesson I now so distinctly recall a particularly memorable junior high school teacher repeatedly drumming into our classroom filled with ever impressionable thirteen year old minds : When we assume, it makes an a** out of you and me. I don’t know that my assumptions would technically qualify for such a title in this particular instance – though I will be the first to admit there have certainly been numerous occasions in my life when they have, for sure – but I can say definitively, that my assumptions here were flat out wrong. I’m really glad they were. I knew deep down that I never truly lost my desire to write, no matter how far off actually doing it seemed due to the ever increasingly difficult circumstances of my health - and whole life - for the majority of 2010 and into the first few months of this year. But the idea of blogging at all, especially the thought of revisiting this blog, never even crossed my mind as a possibility. Enter that small, loyal band of followers who I wrongly assumed had removed the mental association of “blog” when thinking of their friend Sara. In the course of a few short weeks, I received four completely random and unrelated kudos humbled by sincere thank you’s, simply for writing what I had written and continuing to inspire them. Things that I wrote in 2008 and 2009? Actively inspiring them? They were still seeking out my writing after all this time? It’s worth mentioning  that each of these accolades “arrived” at a precise moment when the mere idea of any truly good possibility involving my life and my future seemed like a lost cause, or at its best what football aficionados would call a "Hail Mary". But my friends’ wonderfully ironic timing couldn't be ignored. It got me thinking, and the itch to blog was reborn. I admittedly stifled that itch for a good while. Partially because it simply wasn't feasible just yet, but mostly – if I’m honest – due to fear. Fear of what, I’m not exactly sure, but I felt it, and I felt it fighting that longing to tap on those laptop keys, tooth and nail. Then came the icing on the omen cake ; a newer friend, by comparison to the others, had stumbled upon my blog and subsequently offered some of the most heartfelt and meaningful feedback I have ever received with regard to this project. This friend knew nothing of my past struggles and had no ulterior motive in complimenting my writing and my point of view. It was nothing more than the simple expression of honesty, and yet I could never find adequate words to explain how that honesty affected me. I could no longer fight it ; I was going to write again, blog again, express myself again….and for the first time in a very long time, I was truly hopeful and truly excited.

I'm not quite sure what my game plan is for Democracy of Beauty revisited, but that’s a big part of my excitement. The possibilities, the beauty, if you will, of creativity. I can, however, promise that the positive objective of learning to embrace true beauty, in every facet of life, and most importantly in oneself, has not and will not change. And whatever I feel inspired to post, I promise I’ll do my best to “pleasurably exalt the mind and spirit.”

As I briefly mentioned early on in the post, I have been struggling with some pretty debilitating health issues for quite some time , and because of the powerful impact that’s had on me emotionally, I’ve found my desire for privacy to be far greater than it has in the past. That said, I want to clearly state that though I’m not yet sure how much I’ll be sharing about what I’ve been through health wise, I can ease anyone’s fear of a relapse into Anorexia or any eating disorder behavior. I say that, not out of some need to “defend”, but because so many of my posts had been devoted to my recovery and my deep desire to help others who suffer in that regard, to do whatever I can to lessen the pull of such illnesses when faced with true self-worth and self-confidence.  And since I have remained recovered and fought so hard to maintain my health in every way, despite so many circumstances beyond my control, I want to be clear that I will continue to do just that. Nothing less.

I look forward to sharing my rediscovery of health, of life, of beauty, with all of you. In fact, I can’t wait. Until next time….

ELIZABETH

* drawing by Elizabeth

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

They say that we alone are our harshest critics. I don't know who they are, but I definitely think they're onto something. Much of my blog thus far has been focused on our society's views regarding beauty. Almost always unattainable and often absurd, we are made to feel as if our entire self-worth should be based on how close we are to achieving such standards. A more than valid point that absolutely needs to be addressed. But given that one of my main goals with this project is to get people talking about their own personal views on beauty and its relationship to self-worth, I find it ironic that I've somehow managed to neglect just how much of our feelings on this very issue can be brought on almost completely by ourselves. A couple of posts touched on this aspect, but it took Elizabeth's responses to get me to realize that that's not something that is being addressed, or even admitted to, all that often. The majority of the interviews I've conducted have centered around the insecurities brought on by the people and circumstances around us. Virtually every insecurity seemed rooted in an outside source....until now.

Elizabeth has been a coworker of mine for a couple of years now, and it was actually my initial ideas that eventually surfaced as this blog, that got us talking a little more openly with one another. From our experience chatting and eventually becoming friends, I've become aware of her true individuality, as a human being and as a woman, marching to the beat of a drum that is uniquely her own. She has her own way of doing things and doesn't seem to give much thought as to whether you approve. She dresses in whatever intelligently whimsical way strikes her as appropriate, speaks freely when she feels a need to do so, carries out tasks the way she feels is best, and makes no apologies if you don't agree. This is simply who she is. But the interesting thing is that despite this confidence with regard to others, there is one person whose opinion matters more than anything, and that would be her own. I feel that she and I know each other well enough to admit that I noticed this tendency to have rather lofty expectations of herself, shortly after she joined my workplace - and quite frankly, it bothered me. In hindsight, I realize that the reason it bothered me had little to do with her, and much to do with how similar this behavior was to the unrealistic standards I so often set for myself. And how very much I hated to admit it.

It has been an ongoing struggle for me for as far back as I can recall. Case in point - my parents being summoned for a meeting with my elementary school principal, to discuss the unrealistic expectations of perfection they were placing on me. Imagine how they must have felt when my 7 year old self had to confess to both the principal and mommy and daddy, that it was all me. I was putting this pressure upon my myself because I pretty much felt like as much of a failure as a second grader can, every time I fell short of perfect. And of course, my battle with anorexia was teeming with so-called perfectionistic rituals. Comparisons with other anorexics were often nearly as anxiety ridden as the prospect of eating itself. I'll never forget how I felt that bitter cold February day in 1999, when the head of my medical team came into my hospital room and told me that there wasn't much else they could do, and I would probably die within two weeks. Instead of the incomprehensible fear and despair one would expect to accompany such a talking to, I was immediately on the defensive, thinking that I was finally becoming one of the best anorexics, and that he was simply trying to trick me into gaining weight and becoming average again. Yes, much of that was my illness talking, but I can't help but feel that there was a big chunk of my true self in that thought as well. To this day, I feel that that is the reason why I am so sensitive to the need to control, the need to be better than expected - because deep down, I'm aware that it's that so-called control that nearly killed me and has left me continually struggling with physical repercussions and health issues that I probably wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

But the interesting thing about observing Elizabeth and getting to know her better, is that I've seen that tendency in her change. Where I feel my recent struggles have perhaps led me back towards a greater desire for control, I have noticed a subtle, but definite change in her. That nagging drive to be " better", that she has so eloquently written about in the Question & Answer below, has slowly morphed into a true sense of self-confidence. From my view as a somewhat objective observer, it seems that in the process of recognizing and accepting those driving desires, she has developed an ease with which she approaches the same situations - still very much wanting to be quite exceptional at the task at hand, but recognizing - this is who I am , and I'm gonna do what I can do and see what happens. That ease has not only been refreshing to witness, but it has also been a comfort and a gentle reminder to me, that it might serve me well to practice the same.

Perhaps one could assume that Elizabeth's choice to write out her answers - as opposed to a tape recorded interview - and to use a sketched self-portrait, rather than a photo to go with it, might be an extension of that need for some sort of controlled perfection. But in actuality, this particular topic is one that resonates very deeply with her, and I feel that knowing she has some very strong and valuable opinions on it, she simply wanted to do it justice and give the best she has to offer, as a guesture of how much it matters to her. And that is not only okay - it's admirable and inspiring.



What is beauty to you?

To me, beauty is living one's fill. My Great-Aunt Dee loves to remind me of my great-grandmother, Muriel, who lived in a cottage in the woods and liked to draw and paint. One day, Dee showed Muriel a picture of the writer, Isak Dinesen, in a magazine. Ms. Dinesen, a pale-skinned Danish woman,lived in Africa for decades - before sunscreen. When the photograph was taken, she was a very old woman. Her face crinkled in some places, wrinkled in others, and furrowed and trailed like an elaborate rivulet run map. Muriel took a glance. "Oh!", she said. "What a beautiful face! What I wouldn't give to have the chance to draw that face in person!"

Name a body image hang-up that you have overcome or are working on overcoming. How did you do it, or what are you doing to try to change the way you feel about it?

I became very brainy to compensate for limitations I felt as a cute, female child. I needed an identity in which I wouldn't be posed as everyone else's inferior - a head to be pet and an outfit to be commented on. I wanted to be smarter than the girls, boys, teachers, and most of all, my parents. It was painful to pretend that my body didn't exist. In fact, night after night, from when I was twelve to when I was eighteen, hives scrawled out across my face, back, bottom, and legs, and tucked in between my toes and fingers. The pink, raised itch, cried out for attention and rioted against too much control happening in me and over me.

As a near grown-up in drama school, I took three years to defrost and enliven my body. It took a lot of patience and practice - through Afro-Haitian dance and modern dance - to connect to my lower body, to embody primitive impulses like joy and rage - from head to toe, and to literally stand on my own two feet. I was also lucky to struggle with and practice breathing, speaking, and singing, in Linklater, Roy Hart, and Embodied Voice work.

As an adolescent, I used to think, " They'll have to lobotomize me before they turn me into a grown-up woman." I envisioned myself as a grown-up. A petrified ideal toppled into my head, as if from TV : I would wear a dark business jacket and skirt. I would have a beautiful hairdo. I would be perched on an enormous gray flight of stairs, like those in front of government buildings. I would be stuck, neither coming from nor going anywhere - the stairs symbolic of my stuckitude. And I used to think, "What will become of me-the-real-me?"

Today I sometimes worry that I'm not the brightest belle at the ball. But more often, I am glad to be able to influence my own experience of myself, and to live more and more, on my own terms.

What do you consider to be your most beautiful attribute, and why?

Okay - I'll go out on a limb and say my breasts, torso, belly, and vagina are my most beautiful parts. These parts hold and release instincts, impressions, pleasures, and pains, that are not so easily controlled. They offer fight-or-flight responses and real access to the emotional and irrational.

I have been recently looking at a huge picture book of artifacts from the prehistoric Goddess religion in Europe. A figurine carved from bone, found in what is now Romania and dated at about 8000 BC, comes to my mind. It has no limbs and no head; it has carved out breasts and an abstract, diamond shaped womb. V-shapes dart above the womb, skyward. Inverted V's reach below the womb, toward the ground - as if to portray energy coursing between heaven, earth, and womb. Breasts and wombs meant life, and interestingly, also death, in the oldest European religions. Prehistoric people built temples shaped like female bodies and underground tombs shaped like wombs. The patriarchal systems of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam fought tooth-and-nail to turn Goddess centered, life and death symbolism on its head, to support new power paradigms.

Today many women fear feeling fully and living vibrantly in their bodies. I first flinched at the sight of the figurine I described above. " It's a naked body! If I acknowledge my body, will I become just my body and nothing more? " Then I let myself see what I saw of the Goddess figure, and I found it to be beautiful.

If you could make one change regarding our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?

I read the labels on my make-up: My lipstick - brown/red opaque- is labeled, Beauty. My mascara, Black Ruby. My "industrial strength" concealer is labeled, Boi-ing! I also sometimes dab Alabaster on my face, and circle my eyes with Night Essence.


If I could change one thing about society's current beauty/ myth set-up, I would shake the stories and accumulated dumbness out of the labels that whiz by us day after day. Labels appeal to notions we women have been taught to believe about ourselves. The division of make-up into "day" and "night" wear, corresponds to notions of female archetypes. Day make-up is advertised as light and virginal, while Night make-up is dark, dramatic, seductive, whorish. From the 1800's to the 1920's, prostitutes and play-actors were the only Americans and Brits permitted to make up with gusto. Notions of sin and "female-bodies-for-sale" are palpable in today's make-up marketing. Also, make-up is labeled "industrial strength" to appeal to women who aspire to succeed in a professional world, an industrial machine. Manufacturers market the societal prescription of making up, as an exciting job to be done.

A quest for real beauty, the quest countless fairy and folk tale characters embark on, involves losing, finding, and fighting for what one values. Manufacturers mimic this process in their make-up labels. They offer us Black Ruby and Alabaster - gems and pure treasures - for our faces. We are so soul starved, words like "gold dust" sometimes invoke possibility and value, even when applied to a slab of powder, mass produced. Night Essence eye shadow appeals to a lost engagement with nature and magic. The subterranean "night" knowledge and seeing abilities of women, long repressed and reviled, can be resurrected for a night out.

Above all, make-up labels appeal to our desire to consume special, symbolic foods. Many paints and powders are named Buttercream, Strawberry Fudge, Mocha, Muffin, etc. Manufacturers neatly circumvent the practice of selling make-up as "virginal/natural" or "whorish/seductive" with these labels, but they do not avoid myth or sexuality. Beautiful desserts hold a mythic status in many modern women's lives. They came to signify idealized domesticity, motherhood, childhood, parties, and holidays. One-third of American women are reported to have eating disorders; we struggle in our attempts to ingest matter needed to nourish ourselves. In marketing make-up as dessert, companies evoke the sweetness and satiation we may compulsively reject or compulsively consume in everyday life.

The terminology of making up is rather psychological and immaterial. We wear "shadows", "foundations", "mascara", often thought to be a mutation of a Spanish word for "mark" , that may have stemmed from an Occitan word meaning "witch". Archetypes, soul symbols, and nostalgic nods towards nature and the extraordinary, writhe beneath make-up labels. If I could change one thing about today's beauty/myth set-up, I would peel away the emphasis on getting and spending, and seek the jumble of ideas about the way we live, that lies below.

LAURA

"This above all : to thine own self be true."

-William Shakespeare

From the moment a mutual friend relayed the message that Laura was interested in being interviewed for my blog, I was excited. Not only was this a young woman raised in a completely different culture from my own, but this was also someone I didn't really know on a personal level, and thus, had no idea what she was going to say. I knew she had an opinion about the topic in general, but as far as beauty's role in her personal life, your guess was as good as mine. I've often been told that I'm pretty perceptive when it comes to other people and what they're all about, so it wasn't shocking to me when my impression of Laura - from the few times we had spoken in passing - as self-assured, self-confident, and comfortable in her own skin, turned out to be pretty accurate. But that's where my intuition ended, and assumptions began. Assumptions that I realize, I make quite often when people appear to be content with themselves and their lives. I automatically assume that this contentment is due to something they have, something they possess. Surely she wouldn't feel so confident if she were single, or surely he wouldn't be that content if he hadn't landed that big acting gig. Significant others, the number of friends, a gorgeous apartment, a successful business - the list goes on and on, and it's fraught with seeking the approval of others. What Laura's interview helped me to realize, is that despite my firm belief that one's physical appearance cannot make someone happy, I still seem to have this silly assumption that these other "things" are equated with one's level of self-worth, so a person can't be truly self-confident unless other people give them a reason to be so. In a nutshell, this way of thinking is essentially eliminating the "self" and equating worth with approval - which is, ironically, the same issue I'm working to combat with this blog,regarding our society's ridiculous viewpoint and standard of beauty. The way we are told to view beauty could also be considered one of those "things" that if attained, will equal contentment.

But Laura doesn't fit that assumption. Her self-worth comes from herself. That's not to say that all those other factors can't add to one's happiness in life - of course they can. But I think Laura said it best when she spoke of having only herself to rely on, and realizing that if she didn't take care of that, everything else would be lost. To me, that's like saying, " How can you truly enjoy life, if you don't like the person living it?". She not only forced me into realization regarding these assumptions, but also into the realization that maybe because life hasn't been treating me very favorably recently, I, in turn, haven't been appreciating and treating myself very well either. Yes, there are times when other people and extenuating circumstances are going to have an effect on how you feel, and may make you more susceptible to a decline in self-worth. But what we have to remember is, what someone else thinks about you, your job, your talent, etc, changes nothing about who you are deep inside and how very much you are worth.


This year has been a rough one for me, and as far as hopes and dreams go, there have been so many times I've wanted to throw in the towel. Many sleepless nights are fraught with questions : Did I really go through 14 years of battling and recovering from something that almost killed me, for this?..... If I'm really capable of achieving my career goals, why am I still working the same old part time jobs?....If so many people really do care about me, why do I feel so very alone?....But although it may not have been in the literal sense, I, like Laura, have taken some time to study myself, disregard what life has been telling me, and look deep inside to see what I'm really made of. Though I've been able to feel a little better in those moments, the contentment is fleeting, and it takes a great deal of work to be able to get back to that point on a day when I'd give just about anything to swap lives with any carefree girl that passes me on the street. But I will say, the more I've succeeded in doing so, the more moments like watching the sunset over the East River, or lying on a beautiful beach with one of my best friends ,or getting a hug from someone I love, have helped me to see that yes, despite everything, this battle HAS been worth it. I've been able to take heart that while I may only be working part-time jobs right now, every little step I take towards where I'd like my career to go, is clearly taking me closer and closer to the goal I desire - I just need to practice a little more patience and be more appreciative of the progress that's already being made. And lastly, I've been able to see that those people in my life who care about me, really do love me more than I ever realized. I've simply been blind to it because I haven't been taking the time to love myself.

So in addition to thanking Laura for all her wisdom and insight about beauty, and beauty in other cultures as well, I would also like to thank her for helping me take the time to ignore all the negative noise of the outside world, and take a moment to really look inward. It's certainly no piece of cake, but I'm working to keep those blinders off, and it's my hope that all of you will do the same. Imagine the beauty we might experience, if we can first find the beauty within ourselves.



So, I think the first question I want to ask you is - you said that you've read a few of the blogs and...


I just browsed through them.


What was it about reading them, or what was it about the topic that made you want to be interviewed?

Well, you know - I think the concept of beauty is one of those things that's been profited from in this culture, and I think it's a very dangerous thing that it's being profited from. I think it's interesting to hear what other people have to say about it, without having some kind of commercial interest behind it. Like, I notice that everybody whom I meet who hasn't done some investing in their own development as a person - their concepts about what's beautiful or who they think is beautiful, are very prepackaged, very boring. And as a visual artist, I'm very interested in beauty. I always have been....but sort of my version of what's beautiful.


Okay- well, I was going to ask you this anyway, but what you just said was the perfect lead-in. It's like it was scripted! I was going to ask you - what is your version of beauty? What is beauty, to you?


I think beauty is....I would say it's that, which can be absolutely anything, that's pleasing and intriguing to the eye, but also it's stimulating to the other senses - so like, the rest of you. Beauty is the most ambiguous thing there is. To me, one of the most relieving things that I've ever read in my life was "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." To me, that was the greatest relief ever. But, you know, it's true. It's the most ambiguous concept. I hope that makes sense.


It totally makes sense. And the funny thing is, your definition of "beauty", if you look it up in the Merriam Webster's dictionary, it's almost word for word what you said. There are several definitions, but that's the first and foremost definition. I use it as part of the blog, so you really hit the nail on the head!



I haven't looked it up! See why I didn't look it up?!



I know, I know. But to me, that says you have a really healthy and wonderful perception of beauty, because I guess you understand what it really means....more than a lot of people do, I think.



Where I grew up in Santo Domingo, somebody who looks like me wouldn't be necessarily so beautiful, because beauty had a very colonialist ideal behind it. Since I was a little girl, I've always been a bit rebellious, so I always kinda felt like - okay, you're b.s.-ing me...I don't believe you. But you know - I've probably been called ugly more than most people I know, right?


Really?!


Yes, but it's because they were not looking at me. They were looking at my skin color,they were looking at my features, they were looking at the fact that I didn't straighten my hair. And that pointed out that coming from a post-colonialist environment, you have to - if you look like me, you have to sort of realize that that conception of beauty is just one conception of it. And it's just a conception that was created to make a profit, right? So to survive, to have self-esteem - you have to realize that. Luckily for me, I kind of realized that early, because otherwise, I would end up like a lot of people I know from back home who - you know - we're brown, we have brown eyes, but they were always looking for things they don't have....like contact lenses, or you have to dye your hair, straighten your hair. I always try to tell my friends, you have to embrace the way you are and find beauty in it, not the other way around. But that culture is geared towards making you do it the other way around. So, when I got here, it's not a colonialist or a post-colonialist mindset of beauty, but it's a corporate, capitalistic mindset of beauty, which is similar.


It's in a different way, but has the same effect.


Yeah. Beauty is never an inward gaze. It's the outward gaze that tells you how you have to look. That's not cool.



No, it's not....So, I don't know how long you've been here, but in terms of people calling you "ugly", or saying that they didn't think you were beautiful in your home town - I've had similar experiences with people saying things to me, for different reasons, when I was growing up. It affected my self-esteem, and some of those things, I carry with me to this day. Did that affect you permanently too? Do you still have physical hang-ups about yourself? And if you don't, what do you think it was that helped you get over them?



That's a good question. You know, I don't think I have physical hang-ups so much,because - it's strange - I always had a hard time relating to other people. I think visually, I'm left handed, all kinds of little things that make me sort of try to go the other way, naturally. And I would spend a lot of time on myself ,alone. As a child, I liked being alone. It was kinda weird for other people, but I think I overcame the whole thing of what other people thought about me because I would just spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror and - it's bizarre. Just looking at myself in the mirror and imagining things, or like really, really observing myself and trying to get rid of everything that I was being told. At first, I would see the Disney cartoons, and I would fantasize -like, "Oh, I want to be the Little Mermaid!" - that was my big thing. But then I realized - there's absolutely no way I can look like that woman. Like, no way. So, you start discovering things about yourself that you like. Like, I like my ability of drawing things that I wanted, of creating things. I guess at some point - I don't remember exactly which point - I started looking at other women of color that had asserted their blackness, the part of them that's black. That's an issue in the colonialist structure - not being black. And that just made me feel like, "Okay, I'm not crazy - they agree with it." You don't have to be white to be pretty, basically. Even though I don't have anything against how white people can be pretty too. Let's settle that now. My boyfriend is as white as it gets. But I think that I sort of overcame it by going more and more into my shell - which is pretty strange, but it didn't make me react to certain things. It made me strongly reject certain aspects of Dominion culture. It made me strongly reject certain sexist aspects of that culture even faster, because I felt that they rejected me to begin with, and I rejected Dominion religious practices very strongly. I just sort of disassociated from that environment entirely,to the point where I had like one friend. But at least I didn't end up having serious issues like everybody else had - issues with weight and what have you. But I don't know...I sort of have this weird thing of just looking at myself and being happy with how I look. It's bizarre.


It's not bizarre. I think it's really admirable. So, you never - I mean, I'm sure you have bad days too....



I mean, I've had bad times when I've had ...I've been close to having some eating problems, but I think it had more to do with brusque change of environment when I came to New York. It never got to the point where it was life threatening, I never ended up in the hospital, you know what I mean? And I realized that what I was doing was counterproductive - let's put it that way. It wasn't benefiting me. It wasn't even wanting to, it was more like, I have to stop, because at that point, I sort of only had myself to rely on, and if I messed up myself, then I really wasn't gonna have anything. My family did not live here, so when I came, it really got to the point where it....all you had is yourself, and you have to take care of that, because you don't have money, you don't have relatives. You're literally down to number one here. If you mess that up, everything is done. So, that was the Midas cure for me.



That's really interesting....Okay, so we've established that you've come to point where you generally feel good about yourself. If you had to pick something, what would you say is your most beautiful attribute? And you can say more than one. It can be something physical, or it can be something that has to do with who you are as a person....



My most beautiful attribute...uh....see there, that's a difficult one! Everything else was easy.



Ooooo....I'm like the Barbara Walters of blog interviews.



No, no - that's good! What do I like most about myself physically? I like how angular my face is. It gives me some severity when I need it - I love it. It's kind of elegant, but it can be severe, if I need to be. So, I would say I like that. I like being long all over. It's good. Um....inside attribute that I like about myself? I like the fact that I can become introspective, -as a way of dealing with everything - when I need to be. Like if nothing is working out, I can just walk around and fantasize, and I can just be happy without the aid of anything else, you know what I mean? I learned how to do that. I would recommend to everybody - that's good to learn. Yeah, I guess that's what I like most.


Very good. Let's see...This is sort of backtracking a little. I should've asked you this earlier. When you were talking about feeling that you were not looked upon favorably -because of dark skin and curly hair - in Santo Domingo, you said that the general views on beauty were similar, yet different, from those in the United States. Being someone with darker skin in the states - have you run into different issues regarding perceptions of beauty? I guess what I'm asking is, how are the standards different, and how are they similar?


Well, it's different because here now with...what's going on in advertising is that women who look like me - taller, brown, they got big hips, and the whole...everything else - they're hypersexualized. So, I've had a lot of experiences of people who just look at me, and they see the way I am, and to them, that's a guide that I'm hypersexualized too. Not true regarding them. So, you know, I have that experience. There is sort of a variety of canons of what beauty is here. It's a little bit more diverse because there are a lot of different ethnic groups, so they all bring their own version of what beauty is. But there's - of course - that obsession with you are either model thin or you're very voluptuous....that now has become acceptable here, but it's embraced by a very specific culture. Like, I see African American and Latin people embrace that, but so much of maybe...corporate Caucasian Americans, European Americans, are not so into that. It's very localized. I've had all kinds of experiences of feeling exoticized somewhat. I once had this customer at the store, and this woman - she was a Caucasian woman in her middle age - she touched my hair, and she said "You have such a beautiful face...I wish I could sculpt you!" I've had experiences like that...and uglier experiences here. But back home it's more of....Europeans go there because they want really dark-skinned women, but Dominican guys are like, " Oh, white!". It's doesn't matter what you really look like. If you are white, and you've got straight hair, and you dye it blond - you're like "Wow". It doesn't matter how you look otherwise. The craziest thing is, if you're walking around and they think you look good - even if you look like me which is like, you can't be blond of you look like me - they'll call you "blond" because that means "good looking". It's creepy.



Really?! That's so interesting....wow. That's a lot to think about.



If you go to Santo Domingo, they'll scream "Blond!" right away.* It doesn't matter. If you're good looking, you're blond.


(*It should be noted that I have dark brown hair.)



That's mind boggling to me. I never knew that.....So, you've mentioned that you're a visual artist, which I guessed because of where you work, and I know that you have a great interest in art. Do you think that having that interest and that experience has helped you have a more positive, healthier perspective on beauty?


I think so, because to be a good visual artist - and I do a lot of different media. Right now, I'm doing sculpture mainly, just to give an idea of what kinds of things I do - you have to challenge yourself. It's a race against yourself. You can't compare yourself to other artists because you're doing completely different things most of the time. One of my challenges that I've put on myself since I was fairly young, was to express that which I thought was truly, truly beautiful, truly interesting to me. Not what canons support or what other people would find interesting. Like whenever I make something, I don't make it to sell. Unless I'm making a present, I really don't care whether other people are gonna find it beautiful or frightening or whatever. Which has happened - the frightening part. It's just...I've always had this very silly goal in life. Like, it sounds silly and corny to other people, but my whole goal in life is to be happy. People always tell me, "Oh, what do you wanna do?"...I just wanna be happy, and that means you have to be flexible, you have to be open, but you also have to keep track, check of yourself, of how you're doing, what you're doing. A big part of being an artist is to be able to have the initiative to explore parts of yourself that might scare you, that might bring out intense emotion, to really communicate that which is unique about your experience and your time, because otherwise, you're just another person who knows how to use art supplies, you know?


Wow. Very cool. So, this is kind of a loaded question too, but if you could change one thing about the current standard of beauty in our society - like, the starting point - what do you think it would be?



I would most like to change the whole thing about being either blond or like, a defined brunette. I would like to see people embrace more their natural hair color. I like natural hair color. I can always tell when people dye it, usually. I just...I would like to see people embrace their natural eye color, their natural pigmentation in general. I also hate fake tans. They're hideous. I think that's a big part of embracing yourself - just realizing that the way you are, as a package naturally, is the best palette for you. When you bring an outside element, you're disturbing the color palette, usually. Some people do it for fun, and that's okay. If that is what they're really happy doing, go for it! But I have friends that...I don't know what their natural hair color is. For me, some people will tell me, " Oh, you should brighten up something here and there...", because everything on me is brown, different shades of brown. But that is the way I am. That's the color palette that works best. Or even people who have grays. I wanna see grays. I like grays. They're nice. Dyed grays - not that nice. It's bizarre, but I've been thinking about this the past few weeks...I've been looking at like the older you get, the more veins show, the more marks you get, but you kind of start looking tree-like. You know how trees have that sort of texture and stillness? Trees have this way of sort of being sensuous when they're old. Like, the older you get, if people actually embrace getting older, they'll eventually look sensuous in the same way a tree does. If they don't, they might end up looking like some of my customers. They have a lot of plastic surgery, where they become unrecognizable compared to the person they used to be. I said it was kinda weird, but....


No, I like it. Anything else you'd like to add?



It's just sort of a reflection that, you know, the more you embrace finding your own things which you find beautiful -the more you enjoy life. Being able to actually contemplate life, I think, helps you live it a little better. I don't know how to meditate or anything, but just looking at the beautiful things that we're being presented to as beautiful every day, are not really calming. I would say, even if somebody feels great about how they look , and they fit the prototype of what's beautiful in this culture, it might be a sort of rewarding and... like growth... experience, enriching experience, to just take a moment to just look at something which you find beautiful, and nobody else told you was beautiful, and just really embrace it and look at it. Or if you like music, listen to it....touch it, if touching is your thing. At the rhythm in which we live now, I think it's a really important thing for me to do. I do it all the time to calm myself down. It might be beneficial for other people to do it as well.


Now I want to ask you another question!


Go for it!


What are some of those things that lead you to do that? Just curious....


Like right now, we're sitting in this restaurant, and I'm looking at the red glasses with the candles in them, and the way the light reflects on the brick - to me that's very calming and beautiful. It could be literally anything. We go back to the beginning of the description of beauty, like it's such an ambiguous thing. That could be the way the dirt piles on a heater that has chipped up paint. It could be the way piano notes follow each other. Or it could just be looking at somebody, and looking at their hands, or looking at somebody's skin texture. Let's say, going to the park with me is kind of a trip. I stop and look at stuff and touch it. Stuff, not people. But, you know, just sort of find your own things. That's the main idea - it could literally be anything. When I'm really, really, really upset, I just look at a piece of wall, and look at the way the light hits and how it diffuses, and it calms me down. To you, it might be looking at your iPod , you know?


Well, I don't have an iPod, but music is definitely one of those things for me....and I like soft, red light a lot too. Good stuff, Laura.

CARMEN

"Taking joy in life is a woman's best cosmetic."

- Rosalind Russell

Everyone is familiar with the stereotype of women and hairdressers. Your hairdresser is your sounding board, your keeper of secrets, that one person outside your social circle who listens without judgment and maybe even offers some objective advice from time to time. I've always enjoyed getting my hair done - shampooed, cut, colored, blown out, you name it. And I've always been fortunate to have excellent stylists who not only knew what they were doing with my hair, but were also very friendly and good at making enjoyable small talk. They would ask vague questions about my life, and I in turn, would answer honestly, but without too much detail. They knew about my job, how my classes were going, where I was planning to go for summer vacation, if my family was well, etc. Pretty much the surface or "acquaintance" version of me. Although we genuinely got along well and liked each other, my appointments - when it came down to it - were about appearances, and the conversation was simply an offer of good customer service to a client who they happened to like talking to. I did feel great when I left the salon, but nothing greater than a little more pep in my step and a temporary increase in confidence about the way I looked. Nothing changed about who I was at the core.

When I first met Carmen, it initially seemed like more of the same. She was extremely personable and talented, and I instinctively trusted her to make me look good. I was going through some drastic changes in my physicality due to my recovery from the anorexia, and dealing with some adverse appearance related side effects from such a prolonged period of life spent in starvation mode. I was ashamed to look in the mirror in the privacy of my own apartment, let alone talk to someone I barely knew about how I looked. Carmen didn't know this, but she did intuitively seem to know that I needed a change - and a reason to feel special and unique. From a demure, dark red bob to a super short, spiky, bright red pixie cut - Carmen was with me as my appearance continued to change and evolve. She was changing and evolving as well - different colors and lengths of hair, new contact lenses, new place of business. But somehow the more we changed, the more each of us seemed to become more secure in who we were and in our new found friendship. The polite chit chat petered out and was replaced with talk of what was really going on in each of our lives and how it made us feel. I began to look forward to my appointments, not only because of the haircuts, but because I knew I would be spending time with a friend who would listen to me - and that I would do the same for her. We were unexpectedly there to see each other through some difficult times, and have been fortunate enough to share countless laughs and tales of everyday triumphs too.

I feel like, despite my ongoing struggles regarding self-worth, Carmen was there to witness me become the real me, and I'm immensely grateful for that. She was there when I popped in one day last year and spontaneously told her I'd like to go back to more of my natural hair color. That, to me, was a big step in embracing who I really am, and I don't know that it would've happened that way if someone else had been my stylist.

I state at the beginning of our interview, that I wanted to talk to Carmen because she deals with people's appearances - their "beauty" - and how they feel about themselves, every day. But in truth, I also asked her because, to me, she is a beautiful woman and friend - and she deserves a chance to be able to say it out loud.



So, I wanted to interview you because you deal with people's appearances and...don't be nervous! When someone gets their hair done, it has an ability to make them feel good about themselves, and you're really good at what you do...


Thank you!


I mean that. And I think that comes from something more than just an eye for appearances. I think that comes from caring about how people feel about themselves. So, that's why I asked you to do this. This is a difficult question, but since we're pressed for time, I'll just jump right in.


Go ahead, baby - jump.


Okay. So this blog is called "Democracy of Beauty" because everyone has their own unique views about beauty. Off the top of your head, what does beauty mean to you?


Well, I'm doing this for almost twenty years now, and it's something I really enjoy. Over the years I got to meet so many different people, so many different characters. And what I realized by being in this profession is that sometimes beauty doesn't...you know, it's not just the way they look - the way they look when they come in or the way they look when they leave from here- but it's also from inner...to me, it's about inner beauty. And many people that do come to have their hair done, their make-up - it gives a feeling of making you feel better. But sometimes it's just a cover-up. I've realized this by doing it and seeing how people are, you know? But it is important to me, for that moment, to make them feel good about themselves, make them feel beautiful....which they are, but sometimes they don't feel it inside them. That's beauty to me. By people being with me for at least half an hour to an hour, or whatever the time will be, I get to know people. I have a little experience getting to see how people are, so in that moment I can tell if they're looking for that particular temporary outer beauty or not.

Having your loved ones around you - that's another part of beauty. I think so. It gives you happiness. That's how I feel. When I have my brother around me, my family members, I feel beautiful inside and out cause it makes me happy. Also, my little dogs! Cause I can get to care for them. I love them. And they give me so much love in return.



You do take the time to get to know your clients, and I think that lends itself to seeing inner beauty...and maybe that's why you're so good at what you do. You mentioned something about people not feeling good about themselves. You seem like someone who's outwardly confident, but as I've gotten to know you, I've noticed that you'll make little negative comments here and there...


Wait, now we're talking about me?


Yeah - so are there physical hang-ups or things that you have insecurities about?


Yes! I have so many! Just because my profession is to make people feel good about themselves - I need a lot of that myself, trust me. But even doing my hair myself, and putting make-up on, and getting dressed nice at times, I do feel a lot better about myself. But I do have a lot of insecurities. Yes, of course. Everybody does.


You answered my question before I even asked it. I was going to ask - how do you change how you feel about your insecurities? What do you do?


You know, there are so many days when I feel like - you know, I don't feel good about myself, or in my heart there are things I wasn't able to accomplish. Which, I'm trying - honest. Finishing school, let's say. To me, that's very important. But on days like that, when I have those kind of sad days, I always make sure to do something for me. Like, if I can afford it, I go and have my nails done or I do a facial, and that always makes me feel better. Or talk to a friend of mine.



What about your love for animals?


Oh, yes! Yes - not too many crazy people have 14 animals to make them feel better. But honest, I love them all.



What do you think is your most beautiful quality? It can be physical or not physical...or both.


One thing? Something that would describe me? I care. I am a very, very caring person - no matter to whom, you know. Because when you are beautiful, you do care. I feel that I'm a beautiful person.



I would agree.


I think I am. I care for people. I care for animals. I care for everybody. Sometimes I should not! But I do. Many times I get hurt from people I think are worth it to be friends with, honest. But on the other hand, it's like still I cannot change that about me - being nice and caring for people. I don't look down on people, and I don't really look up at people, you understand what I'm saying? Like to me, being able to help a homeless person, it makes me feel good about myself, that I'm able to do something for somebody. When on the other hand, some of my friends say,"Are you crazy? Why aren't they working? Why don't they get a job?". To me that's not beautiful....And about myself? Me? Today it's my hair.


I like it. Did you do that today?



Uh-huh. Takes me a long time to blow dry it, and I work with hair. Another beautiful thing about me is that I think I was able to sacrifice many things from my life to be able to be near my daughter that I love so much, to make her become who she is. And I was always there next to her. I left myself out to be able to be there for her, so to me, I think that's beautiful. I don't know how you would describe that, but...


I think you did it perfectly. Do you...I mean, you've lived here a long time...


Twenty-one years.



Yeah - you're an American and a New Yorker, but do you think that also knowing another culture has given you a better perspective on beauty, as opposed to someone who has only known the American ideal of beauty their whole life?



Yes, but in a different way. Having the chance to be in New York for as long as I've been here, I got to see - like you said - different types of beauty, when in other countries or cultures, they look at some particular thing. I don't know if I'm explaining myself. They look at people, and they look at just one or two things about people. Appearance and nothing beyond that. Here, everybody looks at everybody like it's a big - all one family, you know? At least lots of people do, I think.


There are also many people in my neighborhood, they come from Europe. I'm from Europe, right? And at the time they came here, probably they were my age. I was 21 when I came here. They've probably been in this country for longer than I am, and I look at them, and they're still with the same mentality from back then. They don't care for themselves. They've gained so much weight. They don't care about their health. So, I think it's the opposite, putting it that way.



You seem very comfortable working in this environment now, but when you started twenty years ago, in a field that focuses on people's appearances, do you think it made you more self-conscious?


Yes! It can. This particular job, being in the beauty industry, you also have to appear....people,they look at you, how you look - so they can judge you by the way you look. Appearance has a very big role in this type of business. Like with everything else. Like, you cannot be in fashion if you're like - I don't know - wearing ripped clothes or something....unless they're in style, right?


You wanna know the truth? It's also funny how other people, they look at beauty. I'm gonna give you a few examples. Let's say in the fashion industry, like a beautiful model, she gains some weight? Forget about modeling. Which to me, that's wrong. It's totally really wrong. Being in the beauty industry, doing make-up, doing hair, it is very messed up that sometimes they don't look at the qualities as a stylist, the good stylist you are. They look at your appearance. So let's say I'm losing my job now or maybe ten years from now - it doesn't matter that I have thirty years experience. They will not hire me because I'm already over a certain age. So, it is messed up. It is f#%!*ed up. I'm serious. You know, I remember one time I had green hair, and a freaking client refused me to cut his hair. Beauty appeared to him like, "What the hell is wrong with this girl?" A lot of people look at it different then I would probably look at it. They don't look at quality anymore. It has a lot to do with appearance.



It seems that way with almost anything anymore.



That goes with everything, yeah. That's messed up though.



So, in the time that I've known you, you often have a different hair color or a completely different style, and I wonder if any of that has to do with an insecurity about yourself, or if it's just a form of expression?



It's different with everybody. Not everybody that sits in my chair is here because they're insecure. And by changing your appearance, it doesn't make somebody more secure, you know? But for me, it's a way of expressing myself. It just makes me feel good. And knowing you for so long - I know you for almost 8 years now - you're not just my client. I consider you as my friend. You've seen a lot of things change on me, and I've seen things changing on you, but we always gave each other a chance to talk, and I'm really grateful that you talk to me. Now I'm gonna cry....



You're gonna make me cry too!


But you know, sometimes it depends....the moods we are in....changing the hair or changing your clothing helps. But it's not necessarily that you change it for that particular reason - because when you're hurt or you're happy, it doesn't matter what you change about your outer appearance - it will not make a difference. I don't know if I'm making it clear enough. Maybe I'll explain it better like this. My brother's going through some changes. He broke up with his wife and stuff, and for him, having a beard now - like trying to cover himself up to cover up the pain - it's not helping. So, it doesn't matter sometimes. People drink because they feel insecure, people - like I said - they change their hair. But just by changing that, it doesn't mean anything would change how they really feel about themselves.



Speaking of change -If you could change one thing about our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?


Honest? Look deeper. Look beyond the outside beauty. Instead of - let's say I just met you or you just met me. Instead of like, right away, just because I have....Like that guy, ok? He refused me to cut his hair just because I did not appear "normal" for him, because I have green color hair. If he had given me a chance, he would've seen a different side of me - that I'm a very good person and a great hair stylist. And he didn't give me the chance just because I had freakin' green hair!


Anything else you'd like to say?



Be yourself. Don't change for anybody. I think. Don't make anything change you just because of the way you look. I think that's...to me, those are the ugly people. They want you to change to be the way they want you, just because they think their way is better than yours. To me that's not right. That means appearance and a lot of other things - like even changing your personality for someone. No way. That would change the beauty of you - who you are. So, that's it.

RAINA

"I'll be your mirror - reflect what you are, in

case you don't know......"

-I'll Be Your Mirror by the Velvet Underground


It's difficult to imagine that anything can be the least bit enjoyed, or even appreciated, in the darkest moments of our lives. But for me, no matter how fleeting the feeling, music has always had the ability to bring a tear to my eye, love to my heart, and goosebumps to my arms. Even if it was a catalyst for me to give a sort of unspoken voice to the feelings I was unable to utter aloud- music was that rare escape from the seemingly inescapable, that eventually got me through . For as far back as I can remember, it has been inseparable from life itself. My mom always loved to tell the story about me (attempting) to sing along to the Oak Ridge Boys' "Elvira" from my car seat, when I was less than a year old. Music has taken my joy to unknown heights when life is treating me well, and allowed me to fully experience pain, grief, and ultimately healing, in times when it is not. So much knowledge has been gained through the beauty of song. Whether learning about the Civil War through the wonderful musical, Shenandoah, in the fifth grade, or realizing that sometimes a grown woman just needs to jump around in her underwear to some Jack White on electric guitar - music has, and continues to teach me. It also happens to be that very connection to music that sparked my friendship with Raina.

We both began working at a world famous museum here in New York at about the same time, several years ago. We must have had nearly identical schedules because every day when it came time to make my way down to the cafeteria for lunch, there was Raina, with her whimsically funky clothing and a quiet, yet curious demeanor. We never spoke. A couple years later, I switched departments and transferred to a different branch of the museum, at a completely different location. As I was led on a tour of the building on my very first day of work- lo and behold : There was Raina, working in the bookshop. We began to make small talk every now and then in the lunch line, but those encounters were few and far between. Another year or so passed, and I took a new position that had me frequently manning the admissions desk...which just so happens to be right next door to the bookshop. According to Raina, the laughter and silliness coming from that desk and echoing throughout the Main Hall were so enticing that she just couldn't resist coming out to visit and trying to get in on the fun. The more she visited, the more we got to chatting. And the more we got to chatting, the more we began to bond over our love of music. We went to a couple of concerts together, giddily shared our tales of separate concert going experiences, burned some cd's for each other, and somewhere in there, realized that we had become friends. Real friends.

Over the past year or so, we've really opened up to each other and have been there to help each other through some extremely trying times. I remember when I first began to talk with her about my past - and current- insecurities and personal struggles, Raina was shocked. To her I seemed so self-confident and self-assured. Strong and independent. Positive and happy. She never would have known about the battles going on inside if I hadn't told her. It's funny because I felt the exact same way about her. I never would've guessed that Raina had had even one insecurity in her life - or at least not in her adult life. I would normally be quick to attribute this to the fact that we both tend to be somewhat of people pleasers, who prefer sucking it up and putting on a happy face to ruffling a few feathers. But while we may do this with others from time to time, when dealing with each other, I don't believe that's the case at all. The Velvet Underground song quoted above expresses it beautifully. I believe that Raina and I have and continue to be each other's mirrors when we are blinded to the beauty within ourselves. We genuinely are self-assured, positive, and happy around each other, because that's the reflection that's bouncing back to each of us. It's like the old, "I'm rubber, you're glue." equation. All the wonderful things I see in Raina are reflected back at her when she looks at me, and vice versa. We bring out the best in each other - silliness, creativity, honesty, fun, individuality, confidence, true friendship, and love.

As I've mentioned before, my own mirror has been a bit cloudy this year, and I've often struggled to find any beauty - inward or outward - in that reflection. But when I'm able to see myself through Raina's eyes, I like what I see and am proud to be the woman I've become. In many of my darkest moments, Raina has been there, being my mirror and reflecting who I really am, until I'm strong enough to be able to see it for myself. I hope she knows that I will always be a friend, and will always be here to do the same for her. And the reflection that she sees when I do, will be absolutely beautiful.


So,the first question I want to ask you is- other than the fact that we're friends and you're interested in what I do, etc., what was it about the blog that made you want to be a part of it? I believe you came to me a while back and said that you'd like to do it.....

Yeah, I did come to you, and I remember you said that you were afraid to ask me. That's very funny. I don't know... I think it's an interesting blog that you're doing. I've always considered myself like...not your standard beauty. I always thought that....I don't know. How do I not sound...I just thought I had something to offer people that was sort of beyond just being the pretty girl. I've had so many insecurities. I still feel insecure - you've heard about them. But it's just that there's more to...I mean, there's no way to say it without cliches, but there's more to beauty than what's skin deep. I try to stay true to myself and what I think is beautiful, and I also appreciate beauty. Not everybody does. They appreciate what beauty represents, but I try to appreciate it in its myriad form. I don't know if any of that made sense.....


Totally. This isn't my interview, so I shouldn't be talking, but what you said about feeling like despite your insecurities, you knew you had something to offer -I've always gotten that from you. I've always felt you were comfortable with yourself, but I know from what you've shared with me, lately you've had more insecurities regarding your physical appearance than you had in the past. I do normally ask a question about physical hang-ups and how you're working to get over them, but I'd also be interested to know if you had any before these current issues? What was that like, and how did you get over them?

Well, what we're talking about currently is that I've been having weight issues that I don't feel great about. I realized - this is a weird thing - I realized that part of what freaks me out, especially when I see pictures of myself, is that I look like my aunt, who was always much heavier...and my father too, because that's the heavy side of the family. So, it just goes to show that your hang-ups have so nothing to do with reality. Nobody knows my aunt. Nobody thinks poorly of her. But when I have some weight in my face, I'm like, "Oh my god, I look just like them!", and I don't really get along with that side of the family, so I realized that was part of it and was like, "Alright - this is ridiculous."

Before that, I didn't have weight issues as much, although you've seen my family and my sisters. My little sister is tall and super skinny and super beautiful, and I was always convinced that I was ugly and that no one would ever love me. My teeth are really crooked, and I don't have a pretty smile. That was the main hang-up when I was younger. I broke my teeth and then I had these temporaries - it was this whole thing. My teeth have been a source of problems forever and my little sister was somehow born with beautiful, straight teeth. So, that was the main thing - my teeth. And I used to wear glasses. It sounds cheesy, but I did get a lot of confidence when I started wearing contacts. A huge part of that is because then you can wear sunglasses, and I defy you to not feel better about yourself when you're wearing sunglasses. It's like, "I'm cool. I'm wearing sunglasses." I remember being little, and all I wanted to do was wear them, and I couldn't because I had my glasses on. I had terrible glasses, and I had terrible clothes. I had bad skin for a long time too, and that was a source of angst. I didn't know what my body was and how to dress it. I had no sense of anything. In high school, there were no dates. There were no anything,cause I just didn't know! And I have crazy, curly, frizzy hair that I didn't know how to deal with. It was mostly just kind of like , I grew up and figured out how to deal with what I had. These are things that maybe a lot of people learned younger than I did. I think I just learned it later than everybody else.


I think I was pretty much in the same boat as you.

Were you? I think I told you this, but my mom never wore a bra, never tweezed her eyebrows, put make-up on -none of that stuff. So, one of my friends taught me about tweezing my eyebrows, and taught me all this girly stuff, and would buy me bras and things like that. I actually needed someone to take me by the hand and be like, " These are girly things, and this is how you do them." Some people, I think their moms do that, but not my mom. I mean, I understand why, and I would never want to push that on a daughter - but on the other hand, they're kind of things that you do have to learn. You aren't born understanding these things, and you'll feel better about yourself in the long run if you know how to make yourself feel better about yourself.


So, you talked about appreciating beauty in general...what would you say beauty is to you? How would you define it?

I think- based on our experience- it's laughter. It really is. That, I think, is my favorite thing - to make people laugh. This may sound selfish, but I love that I can always go out to the desk and tell you something, and it'll make you laugh. You have a wonderful laugh, and I'll hear it across the room...and then we'll get way giggly and silly. In my worst moments, the thing that I feared the most was that I'd lost that sense of silliness and giggliness, cause that's my favorite thing in the world. And also just people being unique. There's a humor about life and people's outlook of humor on life. I can't help but appreciate them and find them beautiful. And then, you know - David Bowie. Anything Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll and humor. I think Rock and Roll is humor, and that's maybe why I like it...cause at its heart it's sort of laughing at main stream culture and things like that.

What do you think is your most beautiful attribute? And it can physical or non-physical....or both!

Well, I said before that my favorite thing is making someone laugh, and that's what I like. So that, and physically, I've always liked my hands and my eyes. But I've grown to like my hair too. I used to hate my hair. I wanted straight, Jennifer Aniston hair, and I had crazy, curly, frizzy. And then I embraced the crazy, curly, frizzy.


What do you think made you embrace the crazy, curly, frizzy?

Because it's what I have. And I mean, I can't work a blow dryer. I can't do these girly things. I'm not gonna go and get it straightened every day. I think that's a lot of what growing older and becoming more comfortable with myself was - not fighting things. And that's with a lot of things. You can put yourself in this boat with people who don't look at all like you and don't have any of your physical characteristics, but if you sort of embrace your own physical characteristics, you'll feel a lot more confident. It took me a long time, but I started to feel better about those things.


We were talking about feeling like you might not have had the right "guidance" growing up - in terms of feeling confident about yourself. I know it's a loaded topic, but do have any thoughts about what you feel might be a healthier way to approach this with children? Any children really, but especially little girls.....

Definitely. I mean, my mom was trying to go the other way. We weren't allowed to have Barbies. She was trying to be very, "You don't have to conform yourself to this idea of beauty"....but I think there has to be a balance. I had older sisters, but they were a lot older. It was my older sister that told my mom I had to get a bra, cause I didn't want to ask. It sounds silly to say, but maybe some sort of mentoring. I think that's important. Women to take each other under their wings. I was talking about how my friend took me under her wing with that type of stuff. The worst thing to me is cattiness between women. I'm all about the solidarity, or at least I try to be. But I think that's the best way - if there's a woman that can help a younger woman. And I've thought about it a lot. If I have children, if i have girls - I hate the princess thing. It drives me crazy. I was at my friend's house - I don't even think she knows this is there. Probably someone gave it to her daughter - but there were Disney Princess books, and one of them was something like, " My Perfect Wedding". It was all about planning the perfect wedding. I was like, "In god's name, what would a three year old ...why should they care about this in any way?!" So those types of things really piss me off. I was raised with trucks and...well, I had My Little Ponies, but that's because my mom was a horse person.
I just don't think you need to raise girls with the whole princess thing. But you do need the balance. Once they hit adolescence, they're gonna need guidance because it's confusing. You're becoming a woman, you're having these wacky feelings, having things grow, and you don't know what to do with it. And my mom was kind of there for me in that, but not really. And I think adolescence is probably where most issues arise or take place.


Something that I found out about you fairly recently, is that you like to paint. Actually, you're quite good at painting. You also know more about music than just about anyone I know. I have friends who are musicians, or were music majors, or just obsessed with music their whole lives -but no one seems to be as knowledgeable about music across the board, as you are. Do you think that this affinity for beauty in creative or artistic things has allowed you to be more confident in yourself, because perhaps you see a more well rounded aspect of beauty?

That's totally true, and I don't think it's a coincidence that I work at a museum, and that I've worked there as long as I have. Art and music and creative expression have been really important. Once you really find music...I'll talk about David Bowie a lot , but I think he's a really important person cause he really expanded ideas of sexuality, what a person looks like, what a musician looks like, what a pop star looks like. Madonna has talked about how much he influenced her. I mean, he has so much confidence because he was like, " What I'm doing is really awesome.", and all you need is that confidence and then people will believe it. People who are obsessed with a shallow idea of beauty don't usually have a very extensive interest in things beyond, "Oh, that's a nice Monet painting." I don't like narrow mindedness. With music, I don't have just one genre that I'll listen to. I'll listen to anything,and I'll give it a chance. I'll say I like anything, as long as it's good. And so with art and with everything- to me, that's the only way to appreciate beauty. Just to be open to it. It's about opening the circle instead of closing the circle. It's hard not to have pre-judgements, but I try to be open to things. I mean,tonight we're going to see a white rapper from LA...why not?!


Alright, if you could change one thing about the current standard of beauty in today's society, what would it be?

There are so many things. I mean, the weight issue is probably the biggest thing. But just coming from personal feelings, I've always felt I was very weird looking because my teeth weren't perfect, and I think that's an American thing. Oh, and this pisses me off - when you read something about Kirsten Dunst, they refer to her as the snaggle tooth actress.

I've never noticed that.

I couldn't tell you what was wrong with her teeth. I think she's absolutely gorgeous. Snaggle tooth? I mean, it's the same thing - that everything has to be conformed to this very specific, very perfect idea of beauty, and it doesn't work. All it does is just screw people up. The funny thing is, as much as I've found that I don't conform to that standard, it doesn't bother people. People still like me for me. Recently, I've had the weight thing, but it hasn't affected whether or not people find me attractive or want to be around me. So, it's all just personal. You put it on yourself. Generally, when I'm myself, people respond favorably - and I just need to relax.


Any other thoughts you'd like to share?

The one thing I wanted to say is that I know you always put a little quote with your posts, and I was thinking about this - you know the Velvet Underground song "I'll Be Your Mirror"? I was thinking about that. Thinking about how I'm feeling all heavier than I've ever been, but like, everyone except for me doesn't care. If people are responding to you, then they're responding to you, and you shouldn't second guess that. I hate it when I do that about myself. We all do that about ourselves...but just sort of trust it. Listen to Lou Reed! I just felt that if I put myself out there- you know that phrase, "warts and all"- and then people respond favorably to that, I sort of know that it's real. That they really are responding favorably. That's why I believe so much in honesty and not putting up this facade. In some ways, it's freeing that I didn't feel like the pretty girl, and that I knew people had to like me for me. That gave me a weird confidence. When you know that people like you just because they like you, you feel much more comfortable around them, and you don't question things as much. I mean, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my everything on my sleeve. It's just...it's out there. And that's that.



Shortly after this interview, I received an email from my mom regarding this amazing fifth grade chorus and their teacher from PS22 in Staten Island. They had been featured on Nightline a few evenings prior, and to quote my mom, "As a teacher, I'm inspired. As a human being...I just want to be better." My mom happens to be my fifth grade teacher - the very teacher I mentioned early on in this post, who definitely solidified for me, the power music has to touch lives. After reading the article she had attached, and watching a few of their videos in utter amazement, youtube led me to this beautiful cover of what else..."I'll Be Your Mirror". Music has, and continues to teach me, indeed.....