"The thing that is really hard - and really amazing - is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."
- Anna Quindlen
As much as I despise the word
"perfection", I'll admit that despite my best efforts, I seem to have -in one way or another - been in constant pursuit of this very state for the majority of my life. Growing up, I was pretty good at almost every endeavor undertaken - sometimes even really good. But I was never the best. To me, this meant failure. As I got a little older, this trend shifted more and more towards appearance related matters, and there's no question - obsession was the name of the game. It seemed the more I primped and preened to make myself "pretty", the more I felt like I would never be pretty enough. I would never look perfect, therefore I would never amount to anything. And it's pretty clear that the almost nine year battle with my eating disorder was the inevitable collision of these two fruitless quests for something that is simply an impossible feat for any human being to achieve. The better you are at it, the sicker you get. And the sicker you get, the closer you are to death. If death was the ultimate prize, then I was closer to perfection than I had ever been.
But since embarking on my journey to recovery several years ago, and discovering (and rediscovering) all the life that had been lost to me, I have gained a much healthier perspective regarding perfection. Being the best me that I can be is far more attractive to me than some unattainable physical standard that random people decided on and immediately proclaimed to be fact. But life is not always easy, and old habits die hard. One negative thought about myself leads to another, leads to another, and before I realize what's happening, there I am, back in that same old pattern in which I will never, ever be good enough. Being able to recognize beauty in so many different aspects of people and life around me does not mean that I'm immune to the pressures of today's society that - let's face it - can overwhelm even an extremely self-confident person. Intellectually, I know better - but that feeling inside takes a lot more than a few positive affirmations to make it dissipate. For me, it takes a knock-your-socks-off wake up call. And in a recent battle with negativity, that's exactly what I got, via an email from a close friend about an encounter he had with a young woman on the subway. He immediately thought of me and my blog, and I have since been trying to determine the best way to share it with all of you. I don't think it's any small coincidence that it also happens to be so relevant to the wonderful interview that you'll soon be reading.
My friend was seated on a bench at the subway platform, waiting for the train, when an attractive young woman sat down next to him. She was probably about 25 or 26, and based on her look and manner, he felt that she must have been a model. Almost immediately after sitting down, she opened her bag and took out some very rich red lipstick, which she carefully applied. Then she did a round with some foundation and concealer - searching her compact mirror for the tiniest blemish and immediately targeting it with her pad. Next she pulled out a second lip implement, this time a gloss to go over her already bright red lips - with no apparent effect. Moments later, the train arrived and they boarded. My friend took a seat, but she instead, stood in front of the closed door and proceeded to use it as a mirror while she fussed with herself - her hat, her hair, her clothing, etc. When she finally did sit down, she once again brought out the lipstick, followed by the compact. She continued to do this for about ten minutes straight, and to his eyes, she didn't look all that different from when she first sat down on the platform bench - except for that fact that her lips were perhaps a little brighter. He said that he couldn't help but see in her procedures, a nervousness - as if she feared she would overlook some imperfections, and no matter how many minutes of every hour she spent touching up, she would never look right or feel good enough. He thought perhaps she was en route to an audition or shoot, and that was why she was making such a fuss. But maybe she couldn't help it, and that thought made him sad. So as he exited the train, he passed in front of her - where her pad was still moving feverishly about her face - and said, "Look, I'm a stranger, so I hope I'm not too forward - but you look great." She smiled and thanked him as he left the car and went on his way, hoping that maybe she would put her compact away and just enjoy the train ride to wherever she was going. Maybe his candid reassurance of her beauty would help her to put things in perspective. Maybe not.
As I finished the email, I began to cry. I may not have the physicality of a model, but in many ways, I saw myself in that young woman. Yes, I've grown by leaps and bounds when it comes to accepting and appreciating myself the way I am, but that old insecurity still found a way to rear its ugly head - and it took the recognition of it in a complete stranger to get me to realize it. I'm sure that my friend's compliment regarding her appearance did reassure her and help her to relax for a bit - but for how long? An hour? Twenty minutes? Five? We can only find true reassurance and acceptance within ourselves, and that's no easy task. But the fact that I've been able to do it - even if only temporarily - is proof that it can be done and proof to me that life is definitely more rewarding when it is. This blog, and particularly these wonderful interviews, continue to help and inspire me, and it's my hope that they'll continue to do the same for you.
This latest chat with my friend, Tom, was so honest and in depth that we talked far beyond the recording capacity of the 60 minute cassette, and the tape - unbeknownst to us - came completely off the frame and was unable to be played back. Luckily, after much trial and error, another friend was able to repair the tape, so that I can share with you the part of the interview that
was recorded. It's far from easy to be truly candid in discussions like these, but Tom went above and beyond the call of duty. Perhaps the plethora of super hero knowledge he's acquired from editing comics has made "going above and beyond..." par for the course. At any rate, I was and am deeply moved and inspired by his thoughts, and I hope you will be too.
I seem to recall Tom -who also happens to be writer and comedian- jokingly remark that "pretty" people don't work in comics. Well, based on this interview, there's at least one person who's definitely adding some real beauty to that medium. And I'd venture to guess that I'm not alone in that opinion.
So, other than the fact that I strongly suggested you do an interview based on our recent conversations, what was it that drew you to this project?
I'm not entirely certain what it is that drew me to this project, because my self image is something I don't make too big a deal of in conversations with people. It's something that you really wouldn't know is such a big deal to me unless I took the time to explain how it is such a big deal to me. The fact is, I'm frequently late to work with how much I kinda fuss over my appearance in the morning - not just in an egotistical way. I'm very nervous to look so bland and put so much effort into it. It's much more than you would think. And just in general, the concept of beauty in the abstract is very intriguing to me, cause it's something I keep very quiet about to myself. But it is something I think about and obsess on a lot. It's kind of interesting to see a situation where I could finally talk about it in a freer manner than I normally do.
I realize this is difficult to do on the spur of the moment, but how would you define beauty? What is beauty, to you?
It's interesting...when you get older - that's a weird thing to say when you're in your 20's - but suddenly a simple question is no longer easy to answer. I remember the first day of this art history class, sophomore year of high school - the teacher asked us all to scream for him and none of us would...we had no idea what this nutcase was asking us. But he also asked us, "How many of you like to draw?" and half the class put their hands up. He asked those of us who didn't, "What do you mean? When you were a kid, if you wanted to draw your mom and dad, you drew a circle, some sticks for arms, and that was your mom and dad!" . Now you want to come up with a really complex answer, cause you're afraid if you say, "Ooh..a sunset!" , it's a cliche'. I'd say beauty is when something is done the right way - whatever it is. Like, you see the "master" of something - whether or not they're famous - do something that they do so well, and there's something beautiful to it. If you watch a really fantastic artist draw something, it's less the act of them drawing....or you know, a really fantastic musician playing - if you look at their eyes, it's the intensity and excitement that they get doing what they do so well, because of a devotion to it. And I guess somewhere in there you could find my definition of what beauty means to me. The easy answer is "Oh, beauty is truth", but that was already written by someone a very long time ago. But reality is a very beautiful thing to me, and I guess my definition of beauty is seeing something the way it's meant to be.
Now this is a difficult question, or at least I think it will be, based on what you've shared with me. What do you consider to be your most beautiful attribute? And it doesn't have to be physical. It can be physical, not physical, or both. Whatever you feel.
You've asked that question at a very interesting time, cause the last couple weeks I've been at the all time low of my self esteem - so that's a tough call. My most beautiful attribute.....Well, physically, I really like my hair. I think it's good hair. Right now it's kinda short, it's not where I want it to be...but I come from people with very, very good hair. Hmm. I would say, probably for me, my most beautiful attribute - without getting too full of myself....
You can get full of yourself.
Good, cause I'm gonna. Okay - it's weird to me how much I care about other people, people I barely know. As I've mentioned before in conversation with you, I guess I'm a really good listener because a lot of people feel comfortable telling me things about themselves and about problems or situations they may have. And I do find myself inexplicably drawn to, if not help out, then at least listen. So few people listen to people. So few people will take the time to sit down if you have a problem. I frequently feel like I can't really talk to anyone about my problems, so I like the fact that I'm able to listen and be there for people. And I think that if more people had someone who heard them, their lives would be a lot easier. I am proud of myself, that I'm willing to recognize and do my best - without being too obnoxious - to be there for them.
Is there something in particular that you've struggled with regarding your appearance....that you've either overcome or are working on overcoming? If so, how did you do it, or what are you currently doing to change how you feel about it?
I think the answer to that is twofold. One thing that I have not overcome and am very aggravated with myself for, is that I'm not in particularly good shape. I could stand to be in a lot better shape. A lot of my friends are excited about beach season, but I am not. I do not have a particularly in shape upper body, and I intend to work on that. It doesn't help that I've got a certain amount of body hair too, but that's something that I can easily take care of with 60 bucks and a Russian woman with wax. Painful, painful wax....
For a long time I have struggled with and am aggressively working on my posture. I slouch a lot, slump a lot. I say this as I sit incredibly inappropriately on this bench. But, you know- it's nighttime, it's different. I've noticed that it does a lot for my mood and it does a lot for how people perceive me when I stand up straight. In general, I do feel better about myself when I sit upright and balanced. Something I've told no one....I am looking into ballet classes at the recommendation of my boss, who was an actor back in the olden days. Yeah, that's right. I do not carry myself as well as I should, and I'm working on it. But I tend to kind of hide in myself, and I'm trying not to.
Do you think that it has more to do with insecurities about who you are as a person that make you carry yourself that way, which maybe in turn, makes you feel less confident about yourself physically?
Absolutely. I was an incredibly shy child. I was very, very quiet. In a lot of ways I've gotten over that, but in other ways, I am still very much a quiet person. People who know me personally, would be shocked to see me at work, where I'm very serious and very quiet. Whereas when I'm out of work, I'm very loud and - not loud - but I'm very communicative. There's a lot to that sort of, do my best to not be noticed, and I'm working on that. I'd say my fashion sense had a lot to do with that for a while. For the longest time, I had as nondescript a fashion sense as you could imagine. I was like a cartoon character. T-shirt, jeans - that's it. And in the last couple years, I really kinda pushed it to....to dress a little bit more like an adult. I still tend to dress in much darker, more autumn like colors, cause it can still be kind of camouflage, but I'm gettin' there. I'm gettin' there. I am constantly in this battle of trying to get noticed, while trying not to get noticed. I'm not sure what it is. I think I'm naturally predisposed to a more introverted kind of lifestyle, but at the same time, I feel I have a lot to offer in terms of talent, drive, and care....and I don't feel like it's the right thing to stay shy. It's like " Oh, I'm over here!/ Don't worry about it." And I'd say a lot of that does have to do with the way I carry myself, in hopes that I could just kinda physically disappear.
So, if you could change one thing about our society's current standard of beauty, what would it be?
What would I like to change......it does seem increasingly equated with money. I cannot figure out for the life of me, why people think that certain wealthy celebrities are beautiful. And I wish we would stop bluffing around the term. You know that woman - what's her name - Susan Boyle? The British woman who's on that show....and everyone's so shocked that she's such a good singer - like people who aren't "pretty" can't be good singers. People can't figure out, "Why is it so exciting? Why is it so exciting?". It's like well, we're all so excited because someone who's not considered pretty was successful! I just wish we would stop bullshitting it so much and stop acting like we can't figure it out. Like, " Oh, good looking people are successful - why?!". We all know why, cause we all want to be them, and we all know why we're so excited about stories like this, because it's so "shocking" that an unattractive person would be talented at something. If that's the way it's gonna be, that's too bad. A lot of talented singers are gonna have better careers in the recording studio than they are performing, and that's too bad. But if that's the way it's gonna be- fine. I just wish we'd stop acting like it was such a shock.
I do feel in general, beauty is a term loosely thrown around. You wanna say someone's good looking- fine, but so many extreme words are just thrown around in the media and attached to everything. The word "beautiful" is ascribed to every attractive or good looking actress. I mean, there are a lot of good looking actresses who I wouldn't necessarily call beautiful. I do feel there's a standard. What I'd change about that standard - I don't know. It's such an arbitrary thing, and it's such an opinion based thing, that I don't like that it's thrown around as fact, I guess. Someone may be good looking, but that doesn't make them beautiful. And at the same time, there are a lot of beautiful people who may not be stereotypically good looking. It's just like, enough papers and enough opinions are out there that have all effectively argued the fact that our culture places such a priority on physical beauty. I wish we would stop acting like we don't know what the solution is to this kind of problem. Like, "Boy- this kind of culture of glorifying people just for their physical attributes, personal wealth, and expensive clothing has somehow led to all these negative effects - but what could we possibly do to stem it? ". You know - stop. That's it. Not do what we do every day. I used to work on the CBS Early Show as a production assistant, and we'd have models on all the time. And it was weird looking at them - same with a few anchors - when they first get there in the morning. You realize that certain people are just genetically designed in a way that the camera is good to them. I mean, I can see that they're pretty, but you eliminate that camera, and they might not be held up as this epitome of beauty.
It's kind of baffling to me that after all the discussion we've had, in this age of so much information, when so many voices can be heard and so many people have a chance - we still can't get past this. We still can't man up and say, this is incredibly wrong...the way we hold - girls really more than guys. Guys too, but much more girls - to this unfair standard that is destroying their lives and destroying how they are. The answer's there. We just have to stop pretending that we don't know how to face the problem because we realize how much money there is to be made in selling stuff with pretty people. That's the one piece of good that I hope comes out of this whole Susan Boyle thing. Maybe we'll start believing, boy- you don't have to be "pretty" to sell things! But it is ridiculous to me. Everyone's just so afraid of losing money and that they can't win the fight, that no one will step up and say we should stop doing this. There are a lot of "this's" that we know how to stop doing, but don't. And in my opinion, one big one is our society's obsession with pretty people.
